Sometimes things are happening in a rush, like when the river hits the rapids. All you can do is try to hold on and keep your head above water. . . and just hope you miss the rocks. There have been at lot of those rapids during this 6 month trip. In fact the flow has been mostly rapid. what a ride. And amazingly I look up and see that familiar face, The one I've been looking at for 11 years, 10 of which she really had little clue about the girl that was stuffed deep inside me. When Annette met Andrea.we both felt this bond, hard to understand and I won't attempt to explain, but the emergence of a previously unknown woman, who brought with her many unknown things, didn't seem to really be significant, the bond was mysteriously very strong. As I first stepped onto my road to transition, she stepped with me. And I look up while swirling thru the rapids and there she is, her face showing a web of emotions, that look that shows exactly how I feel. What a totally exciting, scary, thrilling, mind bending trip. . . for 2!
The crashing wave of this last rapid is called 'delay' forces beyond our control add 7 more days to the countdown. We have been on a schedule these 6 months, we can do this by turkey day and we can get back to work before all the money disappears, After 67 years I have a 6 month window to make Andrea Jean's dream come true. This is really my first opportunity, ever, but it is a limited time offer
I had a moment yesterday morning, the thought that it might not happen, I might be this close, but never able to make the 'cross-over'. I thought I may be sentenced to a life of unacceptable gender bending form. I felt the weight of real depression overwhelm me.I cried, and became amazed at the strength of my feelings, I had never felt it as powerful as I did then. I was just so driven to get my body right, I was numb.
I woke up this morning and set out to make sure this gets done, a mind set and a course of action, be sure it happens ON THAT DAY, anything else is unacceptable. My fear, that moment of absolute clarity, and absolute depression has inspired me, I am going to do what it takes, no surrender, no prisoners, no failure. With a touch of logic, I believe I can do this. . .I see the surgeon on Tuesday, the moment of truth.
I have waited 67 years, mostly not believing it was even a possibility for me. My psychiatrist's diagnosis started with "severe depression... caused by Gender Identity Disorder, I seldom 'felt' depressed, what I felt was anger and the shame placed upon me, was replaced by pride. I will stand tall, thrusting my bra pads up and out, "in your face"! I still have that pride, I have just lost the anger. That does feel good. A little peace, the knot in my stomach gone. Today is so different, most people are very nice and friendly from the heart. The couple of lower life forms that have an issue with me, with being trans, aren't aggressive or abusive, they just seem to be holding themselves back, as if they know they wrong, but they just can't help it.
Gone are the days when most people were shocked to see me, they couldn't believe there eyes, then the disapproval begins. and simple rudeness was the least of the potential attacks that were launch in my direction. You know that really weren't that many then, but the world seems nicer some how.Of course there are those who would burn us at the stake if they could. Then the ones who are just so afraid they are very dangerous.
Some folks, just can't stand change, that nice safe, familiar thing is what they have to have to calm their fears, that, and a belief that God will save them in the end. That is how they deal with issue of mortality. Some not just welcome, but seek out change, the new, the unknown, the untried. I see that has just acceptance, acceptance of the fact that there some things over which we have no control, no ability to influence our own fate. We still do all we can to make it be 'our way', because we really don't know if this is an event we can influence.
Fear is really not a good reason to do something, or not to do it, and 'Tradition', the famous words, ' that's the way we've always done it' - we those 2 things will make the conservatives lose!
Fearless innovation will triumph.... has to, just too logical to be wrong
My transition has had many times and many things that were needed in order to move on, and many, and many things just worked out to my advantage and kept my transition moving along. Lots of bits and pieces to this, I know that something I do not understand, has been a 'wind against my back' my dream is coming true and it isn't just cause I made it happen
I feel so lucky
I am so grateful.
This has to be the most important, exciting and scary time of my life, not really scary, at least not so much anymore. And this has been a whirlwind of work, emotion, physicality, oh and money. About the only people I see are doctors, but every time I see one I am a little closer to being the girl I have wanted to be for 67 years. I was born into a world that didn't even acknowledge 'sex' and my family certainly did believe that if you didn't talk about it it didn't exist. So all the signs of my gender issues were ignored, or ridiculed. My mother had to know, I was always into her clothes. I know I felt the shame that was put on me for not being the way a male should be. I had never seen any else like me, and the whole idea of Transgender was only known to a few. I seriously did not meet another trans person until just a month or so ago, I had no idea that I was not a complete freak of nature and all alone! God has the world changed!
I have been bursting with thoughts and emotions that I really need to share, I hope this might help with that. Even if I am only writing to myself, it will help. Not many people ever saw the real thru my younger years, although there have have always been those who did see right into me and knew. I don't think I went out in public as a woman before I was 19. Then the first big influence on my life appeared, LSD! I had been really shy, introverted, insecure, ashamed, just totally enclosed, in my cocoon! When I 'turned on tuned in and dropped obeing bornut' I become proud of my 'two spirits' and gained confidence and opened up and presented the girl in me to the world. I mostly fought with that world, combating ignorance and peoples natural fear of the unknown. I didn't live in any of the few places were the LGBTQ community was being born, I was out in the suburbs of LA, The only T-girl on the streets! I was wild, and was told I was scary quite a bit, I was mad at world and it showed. I did feel that I was more than everybody else, I felt things that men don't know, and of course I learned everything it took to be 'a man'. Men don't understand, but some do. I was very grateful for the men that passed thru my life. I spent 30 years being 'that guy who dresses and acts like a girl' in a world that hadn't heard the phrase Gender Identity Disorder. I had heard only of 1 person, Christine Jorgensen, who had this 'sex change operation', The idea was amazing to me, but there was no way I ever saw that I could get on that road. So for 30 years I found comfort and courage in drugs and my clothes, and my dreams . . .