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In and Out of Darkness

A blog by JayM in General

  • Entries

    52

  • Comments

    132

  • Views

    20,950

About this blog

Me, my thoughts, my experiences. My analysis of myself.

Entries in this blog

Woohoo

How do you spell 'woohoo'? is it 'woohoo' or is it 'woo hoo'? One word or two? Who cares! I've just had confirmation that the Dr is going to write me prescriptions for testosterone. Not sure which emoticon to use...    
  • JayM

Why Now?

I have wanted to write this down for a while. But it never seemed to be the right time. I always found an excuse not to. Whether I was too busy writing other stuff (fiction, mostly), whether I was playing my music, whether I was busy working or doing general activities that constituted trying to live life, or whether I was too scared to analyse myself too deeply, I've always managed to find reasons not to find the time and the space to do this. But a couple of things have driven me to introspec
  • JayM

Weird dream

I was awake before 3 am, having had one of the most disturbing dreams I've had for some time. I didn't get back to sleep; instead I got up and browsed the internet then I read for a while. And now I'm back on the internet. Yesterday was a good day for some reasons and a bad day for other reasons. Good: I got another appointment with the doctor for the end of this week. I got assigned a specialist trans* case worker by our HR department. I bought a train ticket and reserved a room in a posh hotel
  • JayM

Waiting for reactions that didn't come

Yesterday I went to three different banks to ask for a name change on their systems. And I went to the bank we have our mortgage with for the same purpose. I had my Deed Poll certificate in a cardboard envelope inside a plastic bag (because it was raining). For some reason I don't want to get that certificate creased or folded yet  but I'm sure the novelty will wear off at some point. Bank number one: I nervously watched the expression of the guy behind the counter as I asked for the name change
  • JayM

Waiting and hoping

I just called the doctor's surgery to find out whether they have sent my test results to the GIC. I had a bunch of blood tests last week because the GIC asked for them. They won't accept my referral until they get the results and they gave a 4 week deadline to receive them, otherwise they would reject my referral. That was a little tight, given that it took two weeks for their letter to arrive at my GP practice, requesting the blood tests in the first place, because it's almost Christmas and I p
  • JayM

Untitled

Ireland lost.  It's raining - again.  It's the middle of summer here... "Summer" is a relative term. It means it isn't freezing cold but it doesn't mean we necessarily see the sun. I haven't seen any blue sky for around a week. But I received a reply from the online doc who told me that they "don't have any reservations about proceeding".   It seems I might have passed their assessment process - or at least, I passed that part and I'm moving on to the next part of the process, whatever that is.
  • JayM

Unexpected

So, I told my dad and my brother that I am going to transition. There was the expected silence, and then I waffled a little more to fill in the silence, not entirely sure what I was saying but I knew I was rambling. And then I asked if they had anything to say. My dad said, "It's your life and I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you how to live it. Do whatever makes you happy." My brother said nothing, but I did notice he suddenly found the rugby on the television rather fascinating. So I said, "
  • JayM

Unconditional Love

Yesterday was a strange day. It was difficult at times but ultimately fulfilling. Trying to avoid yet another argument with my husband, I went online, searching for my own place to live (my husband knows I've been doing this). I found a place that looked great and I called the estate agent to make an appointment to view it (I'm going to see this place today). My husband overheard me making the appointment. I could tell he wasn't impressed so I started a conversation about why I felt I had to mov
  • JayM

Training Over

What a training course. Enlightening, saddening, revealing, a little scary at times, but ultimately well worth the investment in time and money. Do I feel confident in giving first aid in a mental health emergency? Not 100% but it's like physical first aid - you hope you never have to do it but it's reassuring to know you have the skills and knowledge if it comes down to it. I will be better at spotting signs in myself - signals that my own mental health is suffering a dip. I will be better at s
  • JayM

Training

I'm currently heading home after day 1 of a two day training course.  The training is in mental health first aid. Not only is it fascinating and educational, but it's also enlightening from the perspective of my own mind. I've learned a lot today. About how to spot signs that a person's mental health may be taking a dip. And that includes my own.  Day 2 promises to be just as educational. The trainer appeared to be a little worried that she might have stressed us out and she has sent us home wit
  • JayM

Tiring week over

I've just spent a week away from home, working. Early starts: late finishes. Not so much sleep over the past few days but it was a good week, nevertheless.  I've spent the last few evenings in the company of my team mates and my manager. It was the first time we had all managed to get together like that for a couple of years. And it was great to see their initial reactions to my appearance were positive. It was great to experience their total acceptance of who I am first-hand, in the flesh, beca
  • JayM

Time flies...

I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote something here. In fact, it's been weeks since I even visited this site. I seem to have got caught up in so much stuff that I've been too busy to spend time on the internet. I've missed it, though. Yesterday was TDOR and I was surprised that our company LGBT network didn't even mention it. They always make a big thing out of IDAHOT and Coming Out Day and the various Pride celebrations around the country and other days that stand out as somethi
  • JayM

Things that make me smile

Things that make me smile… Seeing the leaves appearing on the trees in spring. Watching winter give way to spring always makes me happy. The leaves are bright and vibrant and fresh. It seems that, suddenly, everywhere appears to be more alive. People smile more and I guess it’s because they are more hopeful and filled with expectation now that the darkness and cold of winter is becoming a memory. Blue sky. Don’t get me wrong, I love clouds (I’m even a paid-up member of the Cloud Appreciation S
  • JayM

Therapy? No

I no longer have any desire to see a "therapist". I think it will perpetuate the medical profession's opinion that I somehow have a mental illness if I sign up for that. It's hard enough to get the medical types to take us seriously as it is. I have friends to talk to, I have my husband, and I have my FTM support group. For now, that will suffice, I think. At one point, I thought it might have been a good idea to talk to a stranger about stuff, but... no. I don't want to. Not anymore. I know tha
  • JayM

Tempus Fugit

I haven't been around for a while (sorry!) because I've been burying myself in work (lot and lots of it) and in other stuff, to occupy my mind, or to distract myself from unwanted thoughts to be more precise. Been doing a bit of training for ATH (Action for Trans* Health) here in the UK - training to become an Advocate. I'm also volunteering for the Trans* programme at the LGBT Foundation here in Manchester, so I have been spending a fair amount of time hanging around the LGBT Foundation headqua
  • JayM

Telling almost-strangers

Tomorrow, I'm talking to my team. They know I'm transgender but they don't yet know I'm transitioning. We all work in different locations, so we're a virtual team. I haven't seen two of them since February, one of them since some time last year, and my manager since maybe June. A couple of weeks ago, I hinted, none-too-subtly, to my manager that it might be a good idea if we could all arrange to meet, in the same location (probably London), before the end of this year. I suggested we could make
  • JayM

Talking of...

...therapy...  I know what works for me. The best therapy for me is immersing myself in my music or my painting or my writing. So I just bought myself a new synthesizer. It was either that or download a shed load of new music. And I've spent quite enough money on music downloads lately. I seem to have lost my muse when it comes to writing. The stories are in my head, but they aren't making it onto the virtual paper of my computer screen, for some reason. It's annoying; having all these tales rat
  • JayM

T Time

Well, nearly. I ordered my first month's supply two days ago and received confirmation yesterday that the order had been fulfilled. It's on its way. When I was getting ready for work this morning, after spending entirely too much time watching the news and the discussions about the UK referendum and the decision to leave the EU, I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. That's something I don't often do - not unless I have to - and I realised, with something of a jolt, that I look like my broth
  • JayM

T for Two

Yesterday I ordered my second month's supply of T. I received an email from the online doc to tell me to order it because she had sent the prescription to the pharmacy. She also said I need to arrange for more blood tests before the end of September, to check my testosterone and estradiol levels. I can't believe I've managed to get through almost a month's worth already. Time has passed so quickly. And, apart from the almost immediate effect on one particular part of my anatomy, and the increase
  • JayM

Still upbeat, despite the following complaint

So, I changed my name with my banks without any problems. I've received two replacement cards with my new name on and I'm only a tiny little bit irritated that I'm still waiting for a card from one bank. But at least I have access to my money again. I've changed my name and payment details with online sites such as Amazon, ebay, Beatport, Juno, Smashwords, and other places where I spend money on a regular basis. But the only one that's causing me a major problem is PayPal. They won't accept me t
  • JayM

Step 3

On my way to London to see the psychologist from the GIC. Sitting at the station waiting for my train. It's windy but the sun is shining and I'm feeling good. Step 1 was getting the T prescription. I ordered my supply for the fourth month yesterday and it arrived today. Step 2 was getting to see the psychiatrist from the GIC. That was weeks ago. Today is step 3. Goodness only knows what step 4 will be. I haven't a clue. The T is redistributing my body fat already. It has also given me a few whis
  • JayM

Sparkle

I know I'm lucky to live in Manchester. This city has a big LGBT+ contingent and a lively LGBT+ scene and a city council that supports its LGBT+ people. We even have our first out gay Lord Mayor now. He was at Sparkle last weekend. Sparkle styles itself as the "National Transgender Celebration" here in the UK. http://www.sparkle.org.uk/ It's also a trans* charity. I don't know whether Sparkle weekend really is the biggest trans* get-together in the UK, or whether trans* people really do descend
  • JayM

Something's definitely happening

Yep, changes are afoot. I did notice something Monday morning that surprised me. But I'm not going to explain anything about that here. Suffice it to say that there was a noticeable difference in something after only two doses and I spotted it as I was getting ready to administer dose three. Today is Tuesday and I've had only four doses of the hormone. I can say with certainty that my appetite has increased. I feel hungry all the time so I'm going to have to watch that carefully. The headache mu
  • JayM

Small Packages

The title of the blog entry... it's not what you think.   When I arrived home from work Friday there was a small package waiting for me. Upon opening it, I found thirty smaller packages inside. Well, sachets. My first month's hormone prescription, in thirty neat little packets. As today is Sunday, I've used it twice. And now I have a banging headache and I'm wondering whether it's the T, because that was one of the listed side-effects. It's noted among the many side-effects that could assail me.
  • JayM

Relationships

My first relationship was with a girl. At the time, I told myself that it was alright to be with a girl; in fact, I was supposed to be with a girl, because inside I wasn't a girl. I never told her that, though. During my teenage years, I convinced myself it would be okay if everyone thought I was a lesbian. It was preferable to the truth. I looked female and, if I was with a female, I could play the more masculine role in the relationship. And I did. It was only years later that I realised that
  • JayM

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