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In and Out of Darkness

A blog by JayM in General

  • Entries

    52

  • Comments

    132

  • Views

    20,854

About this blog

Me, my thoughts, my experiences. My analysis of myself.

Entries in this blog

Phoenix

The avatar image on my profile - here and elsewhere - is a phoenix. I have a reason for that. Well, two reasons. After my mother died, I began to feel freer, more able to express myself. My husband said I changed after she died, and he was right, but not for the reasons he'd assumed. Because my mum was the person who knew, most of my life, what I was frightened to tell others (and I was frightened to tell others because of her), he assumed I had lost an ally when she died. But I hadn't. I didn't
  • JayM

Overwhelmed

That's the only word for it. I think I took on too much and it's worn me down. But at least I've realised now. My dysphoria (oh, how I hate that word - it's so clinical and doesn't adequately describe the situation) has become so much worse since I got myself on the waiting list for the GIC, came out to everyone and changed my name. So I thought that a good way to remedy that would be to find lots of stuff to occupy me. I volunteered extra hours at the local LGBT centre, I took on training for A
  • JayM

Oh, and talking of...

...Smashwords... because I just did... I just went on there to check on my story downloads - and they have almost doubled since I last looked at the stats.  I've never uploaded a pic on here before so I hope it works.  Knowing me, I've probably got it wrong. But this is some of that positive reinforcement we could all use now and then. I took a leaf out of someone else's book on here because, well, why not! It made me feel good, seeing those download stats. We all need to know we're loved, don't
  • JayM

Not sure if I should be here anymore

I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here.  To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the politic
  • JayM

Next Steps?

Hi I'm going to be a good boy today  and I'm not going to complain (much). Feeling fairly upbeat, actually - certainly compared to the last time I visited the site. Since I last wrote, my questionnaire responses were passed to an assessment counsellor, and she emailed me to arrange an appointment to talk. We spoke on the phone a few days ago. The worst part was that she covered ground that had already been covered in the questionnaire, in that she asked similar questions that touched on the same
  • JayM

New Man

My husband has really changed his opinions and outlook since that chat we had back in October. I can't quite get my head around how supportive he's being. And even though he'll probably never read this, I want to thank him. He's being wonderful. The other night, while I was at my FtM meeting, he went to a pub to watch the football, but they wouldn't let him in because the place was crowded already. So he wandered back to Canal Street. Canal Street is the heart of the 'Gay Village' here in Manche
  • JayM

Names

So, I spent a fair amount of time on the web yesterday, researching the various ways I can change my name. While there are some very simple ways to do it, there seems to be one best way that is accepted as 'official' with regards to obtaining a passport and driving licence in the new name, so I reckon I'll have to go with that. And then it got me thinking about names. For years, I thought I would be going for James as my new name. It just seemed like "me". I can't explain it any other way. Then
  • JayM

Name change headaches at work

For almost a week now, I've been arguing with our IT service desk about how my company email address  needs to change. They want to add my new name as an alias which isn't what I need. They also just want to change the name that is displayed to people. Both of those changes would leave my old, dead name visible for anyone to see. I don't want that. I want my dead name to disappear. That isn't unreasonable. I don't want someone to stumble across my dead name a couple of years from now. They don't
  • JayM

My Parents

The manner of my mother’s death was one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was hard to watch her go and it was a terrible, evil disease that took her. Her death changed me. My husband noticed almost immediately that I had changed, but he didn't know the reason why I changed. He probably thought I was devastated. I was devastated at first, but that wasn't the whole story. The reality is I felt relief after she had gone. And then I felt incredibly guilty for feeling relieved. The relief
  • JayM

My Body and My Mind

I haven’t had very much sex in my life. Not compared to others. I haven’t had many partners. I don’t like having sex. I don’t like my body. In fact, I hate my body and everything it stands for. For me, it’s just wrong. I don’t like to be photographed. I don’t like to look at photos if I'm in them. I don’t like to see myself in the mirror. I don’t like people looking at me. I don’t like people to see my body and I don’t like people to touch my body. My body is a constant reminder of the fact th
  • JayM

Male

That was my first Christmas as a man. Officially, that is. Unofficially, I've been that way for years   But all the documentation, and the websites, and the bank cards and credit cards that I have in my possession, showing my new, real name, they all tell me that I'm officially a man now. (Notwithstanding the fact that my birth certificate still says "girl" on it, but it'll be a long time before that gets changed, so I'm not counting that). I've just changed my gender on here, in that little dro
  • JayM

It's really gonna happen

I had a chat today, with my manager, and we're drawing up a plan of who to tell, how to tell them and when to tell them. It's scarily daunting. It's not only the people I work with, such as my immediate team; it's the people I interact with or the people I see every day. Such as the woman in the restaurant who makes my hazelnut latte each morning, or the guy who delivers parcels to our desks, or the security guards at reception, or the cleaners. Those people don't know me but they see me and the
  • JayM

It's Dark

I'm looking outside as I type this and the clouds have just rolled in - and they're black. I think we're in for one huge storm any minute. Yesterday, we had one. The rain was monsoon-like. It flooded everywhere, and yet the water had all disappeared half an hour after the rain ceased. Presumably because we've had a couple of weeks of almost unbroken sunshine. I know I'm rambling about inconsequential rubbish but it's because I don't know how to articulate what I want to say. I've been away for a
  • JayM

Introspection

I've been seeing a psychotherapist for a few weeks. It was a recommended course of action by the psychiatrist at the GIC and so I signed up. AI couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity in one of our sessions. Yesterday I had another one.  I have to give myself more time to grow into myself. Into the 'new' me. I've spent so much time and energy in the past year trying to speed things along, with GPs and the medical profession; trying to prove to others that I need treatment and I need to t
  • JayM

Introduction to Me

I’m not gay. Someone once asked me if I was, having spied the rainbow-coloured bangle that I kept hidden under the sleeve of my shirt. I laughed nervously, shoved the bangle back up my arm and replied, “If only it was so simple.” That’s not to say that being gay is simple. It’s just that, sometimes I think that being gay would be simpler for me. I am attracted to women and men. I am attracted to people. I fall in love with people. I used to think of myself as pansexual, until I read a definition
  • JayM

Inquiry Report

Here in the UK, the Women & Equalities Select Committee (a government thing) has been conducting an inquiry into trans* issues for around six months. Last week, they published their much-anticipated report on their findings and their recommendations. Rumours had already abounded regarding the recommendations their report was likely to make, and it turns out most of the rumours were true. So, maybe life will get a little easier for trans* people over here, if any of those recommendations are
  • JayM

How I present myself

I don't like the term 'passing' because it sounds to me like I'm trying to fool people. I'm not 'passing' as male because as far as I'm concerned, I am male. These aren't 'tips for passing' as such, because it's just how I am and what I do, and my way of doing things won't work for, or resonate with, every trans male out there. I think we each need to find our own way of feeling comfortable with what we are and how we present that to the world. There is no right or wrong, and what feels natural
  • JayM

Good night

It was a good night. My train arrived late into London and I had to double-time the walk to meet with the psychologist, but it all went well enough. I was hot and sweaty and feeling dishevelled by the time I arrived but, to be honest, I didn't look as bad as she did. It was evident that her office had no air con and she had had precious little fresh air all day. She looked more tired and dishevelled than me. The interview went well. We covered old ground but that didn't rattle me at all. I simpl
  • JayM

GIC

I went to my first appointment with the head psychiatrist at a well known GIC this week. He has already written his report, sent me a copy and asked for my permission to forward it to my GP and to the head psychologist at the GIC. Of course, I gave my permission and now I'm waiting for an appointment with said psychologist. The psychiatrist was nothing like I'd imagined and the session or interview or whatever you want to call it went well. Better than I'd anticipated. He's already said he wants
  • JayM

Everyone's so nice at work!

It can't last forever, surely? Two days ago, I composed an email to be sent out to selected people at work. I was going to send it out myself but then my mentor (I call her that, because she's been helping me a lot) suggested it might be better if the email was sent by my manager, with a few words from him to show he's supporting me. So I sent my composed email to him along with a list of people that I wanted him to send it to, and he wrote a very nice intro to it and sent it for me. Almost imme
  • JayM

Early Years and Discoveries

It wasn’t until I was seven years old that I had it pointed out to me that I was different. Prior to that, I had never considered myself to be anything other than a happy child who played with all the boys who were my friends, and I enjoyed life. I hadn’t ever consciously thought there was anything odd about the fact that all my friends were boys, just as I hadn’t ever consciously thought that I didn’t behave like a typical girl. Looking back, I know now that it could have seemed odd to others b
  • JayM

Coming Out at Work

After my mother died, I spent a few months feeling guilty and a few months thinking about myself - perfectly selfishly, I realise. I needed to get my head around a few things. At work, the company started to make a big thing of diversity. The law was changing; gay marriage was grabbing all the headlines because it looked as though it was going to be legalised in the UK. Trans issues were also hitting the headlines. A few high profile sportsmen had come out as gay. The whole LGBT+ thing was out
  • JayM

Clothes

I've spent a small fortune lately on clothes. And every single thing I've bought, I've loved - and everything has fit me perfectly. Two things about that surprise me. Firstly, when I used to shop for women's clothes, I'd buy something (without trying it on, invariably, because, in bricks and mortar shops, I hated using changing rooms so I didn't use them, and when buying online, you just don't try things on) and I'd get whatever it was home and try it on. And find that it didn't fit. It took me
  • JayM

Clarification

I thought I'd better clarify that last entry. Because, if anyone has been reading these entries, they might have noticed that, a few posts back, I was bemoaning the lengthy wait I had ahead of me for an appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic, and how it had pushed me to seek a T prescription from somewhere else in the meantime. Well, I did seek a T prescription, from a private source, and I received one. And I've been taking it for almost two months. No ill-effects, so far, but not a lot else
  • JayM

Busy week, again

Monday morning, first thing, I had an appointment with a GP. Not my GP but one at my practice. She was lovely. She was also not 100% surprised when I told her I was trans and that I wanted her to refer me to a GIC. She said that I was the third person in the past couple of months who had approached her about the same thing. There's more of us around, these days, it seems... Personally, I think it's just people like me, getting braver or at least less scared to poke their head above the parapet.
  • JayM

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