Hey guys, i know this blog has gotten quite a number amount of views so please tune into my new youtube blog!! i hope that all transgender people on here can tell me what they think and show me the support as you already have done.
Im going to be writing about my outstanding and quite once in a life time journey to who i am today, living the way i wish to live. Im going to share how a teenage Australian local suburb student can live the way she wants to in high school and her community. It has been amazing and i hope that someone wanting to continue with there journey or are maybe struggling can read this and have the confidence to go forward. I also just love to recount things.
hope you read it xxx
Hey guys, i know this blog has gotten quite a number amount of views so please tune into my new youtube blog!! i hope that all transgender people on here can tell me what they think and show me the support as you already have done.
This is my latest video upload, i talk about what its like being a student in 2016 and what that means for the LGTBI community. I am utterly grateful to be in a more accepting society where i can be a teenager and transition during high school with support and love. Watch the full video here- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEoGy0ZpciA
Let me know what you think and PLEASE SUBSCRIBE, it means the world to me.
This Video coverage of the rally that took place in Melbourne because of the cuts and changes to the safe schools coalition programme. I got recording of the rally plus i got interviews with some of the speakers such as Jo Hirst the author of 'The Gender Fairy'
Like always please SUBSCRIBE to keep up to date with my videos!!
You can always find me on other social media accounts that are linked to this youtube account.
Video removed for violation of board rules
take a look
Road On Recovery
This week was the first week that i have lived, laughed, cried and gone through my own daily stresses of life, finally seeing the world clearly with ought ANY distortion or warped perceptions from crystal methamphetamine. I am currently writing to you today on day 11 of what i call my 'Road on Recovery' and here to update you of any struggles i have come across, any urges i have had and any obstacles i have overcome or possibly failed...
This week started off pretty standard nothing really special. When Monday came rolling in i had finally been sober for a few days now and had gotten over the period of hiding myself away from the world and thriving in self pity. It got to a stage where i had often found a obstacle to try and overcome which for me took a lot of strength and will power to try and tackle. When my relapse finally had kicked off after leaving year 12 i had got to this obstacle of a mindset where i would be in bed for days and life felt like it had nothing to offer me to even consider climbing out of my hibernation of self pity and self loathing. it eventually got so bad that i had this thought every night after midnight had set in,
'So do i go to bed? Do i put on an alarm? Wait..When do i even get up? What do i have the next day that will determine when i need to get up?'
This in summary basically meant that i came to the shocking realisation that i had nothing going for me in life. I realised i had left my old school without making any real solid friends to keep myself busy, i had managed to alienate the only one true best friend by becoming over run in a world i had set up for myself filled with deception and false authenticity to myself.
Eventually after dipping myself into drugs that eventually became the answer to everything i have just written. I let myself and i do write 'let myself' because at times i did look in the mirror quite knowing what i was doing and continued on to anyways. So every time after a couple days of attempting to obtain from drug taking i would come to the obstacle, just like the one i had come across earlier this week of trying to ignore those overwhelming thoughts and find the will power to drag me over the line and want to try and find things to do during my day that will get me out of my bed and start living rather then injecting meth and making that the easy alternative.
I am happy to report to you all, whoever you are reading that i more than dragged myself over that hurdle, i ran towards it and leaped right over. and tho this came up again and again i could always rely on what has become a true light in any darkness and it may sound silly too some but it honestly has become some inch of reason to get up in the morning, and something i became disappointed about if i wouldn't tick of my list of something to do and that was a long run/walk with music pumping. It honestly gives me such power and positive thoughts after i have achieved tackling this. I have continued this by keeping myself busy all week by working on strained relationships and making time for them and making up for a lot of lost time.
When Wednesday had dawned i woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (why my cat was the opposite as usual, deciding to sleep the entire day in what I'm sure she thinks is "her" bed and I'm the guest) regardless got up and ticked off my morning run in morang wetlands. Today seemed promising and full of hope. I had made plans to go and see my best friend who was one of those strained relationships in my life i had managed to alienate in that period of when i was in year 12 but lucky enough to have her in my life again but sadly during a difficult time of illness, drug taking and days of going MIA. I believe my best friend who for safety and respect reasons shall leave there name anonymous, could tell that something was up as i was clearly not myself, had not been replying to there texts and frankly not being there at all for this person. I will state this person regardless of just giving me yet another chance to be in there life, still put up with this and still continued to give me the love and support i needed and was there for me if i ever needed to talk or come crumbling down to. So now that i had been sober 7 days as of this day i was excited to finally see her and try and make positive memories and begin to try and mend and make up for all the time i had been away on my relapse. Sadly tho my best friend had something come up for them and had to rain-check and tho i was saddened as i was already up and ready i knew it would be for a proper reasoning and i told myself that they had trusted me and had faith in me so i had to do the same and try and believe the best in them. So with hope and promise for the rest of the day still being in tact regardless decided that instead of this getting me down i would call my father and see if he had time to spend together. I had not seen my father in over many months, often abandoning him in his time of need when going in for hospital emergency stays, surgeries to remove cancer and nearly 80% of his liver. I make no excuses for this as i strongly feel that i let him down as not only as his child but as a support network and feel quite ashamed in myself for what could basically be seen as a slap in the face after all the things he has given up for me, after all the time and effort he has put in for crazy ole me. I wish to take this sentence to donate to him by saying i honestly take my hat of to him for being so young and taking on an entire family and loving us all so powerfully and equally and i look up to him for giving up your youth to do so but without ever complaining or letting this impact us. Though no parent is perfect my father always tried to be the best he could be for his children and always made sure we had clothing on our backs, a roof over our head and food on our plate, so i love you dad!
So after ringing up and him answering to my surprise welcomed my invitation of seeing him and did not seem to hold any grudges on my short comings only wanting to be there for me. I am pleased to say that i think we have began rebuilding a relationship and have been in contact often and i myself have tried to include him in my life and all the positive things i can share and i hope i can be there for his too. The day went smoothly, i had a nice salad lunch and we had a nice chin wag and wrapping up the afternoon by watching suicide squad which i loved because the joker and Harley Quinn were just to adorable haha. We concluded our time together by him dropping me off at the station and me commencing my travels to crown casino to see another dear friend of mine which was another yet strained relationship . He was just like my dad with welcoming me back into his life and not holding any grudges, we spent the night having a splendid meal in gold class and watching Nocturnal Animals.
The rest of my week was spent basically like the one i have just depicted above, getting up and going for a run, meeting up with friends and taking my nighttime medication at an appropriate time to get up the next morning. Having a routine like this and finding ways and WANTING to find ways to sustain from drug taking and wanting again to find reasons to make these plans more desirable and important then drug taking. I am happy to report that this method has continued to work for me. There was only one big negative emotion i felt during my week and that was on Thursday when i had to take my cat to the vet because of an infection but again i am proud of myself because i handled it by opening this up to my best friend who again was a huge support to me. I saw Fantastic Beast and Where To Find Them as well in the cinemas with my best friend on Thursday and have proudly managed to log in a total of 22 KM of run/walk over 4 days. I am going to end this with a tip to those who may be reading who may be going through something similar such as a person abusing elicit drugs and wanting a way to keep them from continuing patterns and that would be find yourself a routine, no matter how small, whatever works for you! mine is making sure i get up at a reasonable hour and commence my day with a run with music that i find inspiring and motivating, often with making healthy meal choices and working on things in my life that i have let slip. Honestly it may not seem it now but the hard work is so worth it and i wish everyone out there on similar journeys the best on there road to recoveries.
If you wish to see pictures and more regular updates of my week and the things that i get up to, or even just to show support or say hello these are my social media accounts. I definitely would appreciate it if you could show support by following, liking and sharing this blog post to everyone and anyone especially not only just for myself but so that it can reach more people so hopefully someone on the same journey as me can come across this.
Go and check out my new video! i do a Q&A with my first ever special guest
Some content may not be suitable for all members/viewers
VIDEO UP NOW!!!!! Full link-
Take a look at the video!! take 2 for re uploading ahhah sorry guys
Watch the video that also has my written uplooad
So wanting to dress, walk, talk and live the way you want to around your peers and younger students may be very daunting. i know it has it downs, but the reward is so worth it
cheesy quote 'this journey is a climb, but the views great' yes half quote taken from my girl Hannah Montannah (miley cyrus)
One day i woke up and decided, i want to glam before going to school, that i want to wear a school summer dress and hang out with all the girls and be 'one of the girls'. i wanted to take how i felt on the inside and how i live secretly and put that on display.
the next day i went to my school councilor and told her. before i did that tho i made a new facebook account, uploaded a photo with how i look with my clothes and wig on and made a status basically "cooming out". i had no idea what the reaction would be like. I have never felt till that day the overwhelming love and support. by the end of the night i had tones of people inboxing me telling me how proud they were, people i hadn't even spoken to before. it made me feel beautiful and really loved by my community and accepted. I defiantly couldn't of done it withoight there support. the most nicest inbox is that i got a inbox of a video of 2 girls just telling me how much they love me, these 2 girls i have never seen before (shoutout if you girls are reading this) that inbox really stands out even to this day.
So like i said the next day i went to my councillor and just told her and told her what i wanted to do and how i wanted to go about it. I had fear of big rejection and quite frankly i thought that the school would just say no to me. She said to let her address the principle team and see what they think and how she should go about it. To my surprise they were more then supportive, they were even excited for me to do it. They were proud for to have a transgender student in there school, they were so excited for this to happen they gave me the female uniform for free!!!!
After telling the principle team (meanwhile word of mouth spread throughout the school to the students so students already knew) it was time to tell the ENTIRE faculty. I did not have to say yes to this, i could just have my own teachers told but i decided then and there that i wanted to make it as public as possible as if i couldn't be confident in who i was and show how happy i was then how could others. Teachers support really is one key thing to take into consideration. I still remember the day we told them. They held a compulsory staff briefing, and after the principle told them i was given the opportunity to go in and say hello and talk to them. Again i did not have to do this, i tho said i wanted to be involved as much as possible. My english teacher came out to me and just gave me the biggest hug and said how proud she was, then she said 'you don't have to do this, there are a lot of people in there and you don't have to do this if you don't want to', with her i went in and was introduced as blair. I was overwhelmed with a applause from every single one and hugs from all my teachers. I FELT LIKE A STAR!!! i remember walking out thinking that i had won a golden globe or something.
we then set a date for me to come in full female uniform. before then i allowed even the councillor and school nurse to go around to the school to tell everyone about my personal life and the whole transgender thing, i was even going to go in as well but unfortunately i was sick.
Not to say i haven't had a few slight bad comments from my peers. However i can not stress how much support i have and how beautiful and accepted because of this. I can honestly say i have never had so many friends in my life because of this. each day im surrounded by loads of people that love and support me and just want to get to know the true me.
now if this blog update doesn't make you feel confident to come out to your school and give you the security that things will go okay then what will? please feel free to message me!!!! I am incredibly blessed with my transition and am a prime example of it going very well, so i think people going through the same thing could learn a lot and be helped by me.
Anyways, should wrap this up now.
Thanks so much for whoever has read this xxxxxxxxxxx.
p.s sorry for the spelling
This video is about my tips to help you with anxiety and depression.
fInd me on all social media via my youtube account xx
i forgot to add a video link for the VLOG update i did with a connection to the piece i posted. So here it is and i hope you all like. Like i said please share, like and subscribe with all your friends! stay strong xx
Hope you all like it! what you think of my exciting news?????
Take a look guys! its my most honest and emotional one yet
Sometimes you just need to let a little bit of a tear out. I am not always strong.. i do have my days
Hi guys, Blair here again for another blog update,
Today I want to talk about how I voiced my first ever thoughts of doing what I'm doing today and how the people I told reacted. Mostly this was my family first that is why is titled "coming out to my family"
Before I decided to voice any thoughts to my family I decided to At least say these things out loud to a friend. Luckily I had a friend who is somewhat new in my life but really is the type of friend I needed to be able to be silly... about who I am or how I act. Even before I voiced any thoughts about my journey I remember wanting to get my nails done for the first time, her response was nothing out the ordinary, and like it wasn't fake it was as if to her that it was completely natural and there was no questions asked. It truly made me feel at comfortable with who I am and what I wanted to do to express myself, she also helped me learn a valuable lessons that I shouldn't have to "expect" people to react a certain way or put myself down to tell them things, like if I wanted to paint my nails pink they why ... shouldn't I? And if I think I look fabulous in them why shouldn't I shout that. Why should I downplay that to make others feel more comfortable with it?
Anyways back on topic ahaha
So I told her and basically voicing it for the first time to someone else really shows how ready you are for what you want to do and how comfortable you are telling people. So for me it was a perfect tester before telling my family. I only describe how amazing my friend is because that is the type of friend, teacher, councilor who you want to tell as it makes you feel completely at ease with who you are. It certainly will give you a idea of how ready you are and really give you the confidence you need to take the next step.
So I then told my mother.. Oh wow I can still taste the emotion while writing this as when I was telling her that day. Her response was typical responses that I had read online. She said things like "why are you taking away something from me", "everyone will disown win you", "who put you onto this crap".
Quite frankly some really hurtful things as from anybody you want your mother to hold your hand and say everything is going to be okay. I guess that really prepared me and gave me my armor to combat any negative comments that I would soon face.
Over time and just recently after showing her my overwhelming amount of support and hearing her own friends say how beautiful I was, was she able to really embrace it. Now in this short span of a couple months is she now not only "okay" with it, but also embraces it and loves me even more deeply. Quick shout out to my mum. I love you so much xxxxx
Anyways again, BACK ON TOPIC
I then decided to tell my father and 2 sisters. That is basically my immediate family they had the same reaction as my mother but we're even more a little bit hostile with it. They were not blunt about their concerns for me and did not really think about what they were saying so it Didn’t hurt or discourage me. I kind of felt that like the entire coming out to my family was me making sure there okay instead of them making sure I'm okay in "my" journey. Funny how that works out. But that's how it worked out and it took quite some time but now like my mother in a short amount of time is embracing it. I also would not change any moment of it as it really prepared me for the next steps in my coming out. Family also means a lot to me so I spent a lot of time concealing them to make sure that there emotions were fine. If you’re this type of person, don't stress to much. Don't forget to focus on you!!
To give a little context to my family they are the normal typical outdoor backyard cricket type of Aussie family. My thoughts of telling them and then being accepting and understanding, let alone embracing it, where never what I thought could be possible. I guess that just shows how you really can tell your family anything. So if your scared about coming out to your family, just think of how I went about it and how they reacted and just know that it does get better and soon enough especially with hopeful support from friends and school, that everyone around you will not only accept you but embrace you.
To summarize, the message in this blog update that I'm trying to get across (probably failing) is that, I have a normal day family who I thought in my wildest dreams would never accept me, turned around in a short period of time and ended up embracing me and celebrating me. If your scared and fearful of rejection and all those crazy thoughts going on in your head about coming out just know that it's not impossible and your family may just surprise you. It is so worth it.
Again if you have any questions please feel free to comment or message me. Also if you ever want to talk or get advice, I am here. That's why I do this. I would love to write more I don't want to loose concentration, as this message is important.
Hopefully someone has taken something out of this. Thanks for reading xoxoxo
New intro plus what it was like before Blair Jamie. I open up about my drug addiction to ice and my self harm issues. Take a look
A New Line Drawn In The Sand
So here we are, yet another year. 2016 was to say the least not a year that brought much happiness or progress in my life. It’s funny to think just how life works out; at the start of 2016 I was in such a good place. I felt I had done the right things and had done what people had told me to do to succeed in life: however the thing is no matter what you do in life, no matter how much you plan, pray, achieve or succeed, the world, life and maybe even destiny has a completely different road for you in store that will end up leaving you clueless, scratching your head wondering why?
My journey has not been a straight line and I know it sounds cheesy but quite often has been up and down, zig zags, twist, speed bumps and sometimes even at time complete 360’s. As of this time last year exactly I wrote in my (what is a very expensive diary) by Demi Lovato is this following entry
‘Dear Diary… First things first I can’t believe I'm actually writing in the 35 dollar book. TBH it is a big rip off. Are the pages made out of the most exquisite paper? Anyways what’s going on with me? I kind of love this busy period of my life. It makes me feel that I have a grasp on life. Work is going good and I am little excited to see where this will leave me. Summer school tomorrow. Hope I can continue the motivation and complete everything I need. Frightened yet excited…”
This is compared to a diary entry I wrote in late august 2016 of some lyrics I quoted of a song that represented everything I felt to the core of inside me.
‘Your memory is breaking my heart. Ill pretend I'm okay with it all. Act like there’s nothing wrong. Is it over yet, can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry? “
My 2016 self was to be very correct in her concerns and she sure should have been frightened for what would soon come. Who knew the person writing this would have left school only 2 months later, on a bender of drugs and crime that never ended.
It’s a very hard thing move on after you've had so much pain, loss and suffering followed with making bad choice after bad choice and crossing that line so many times, that you’re so far distanced past that line you begin to barley remember it exists, why it was there to even begin with. I’ve been travelling over that line since I was 13 and sometimes I do have to wonder if I’ve travelled so far past it and stamped so many times across it, that my own line doesn't exist or it is so far dusted out that if not at all gone, barely visible where I'm far beyond ever getting back to that little girl I left behind that line. Maybe it’s time to take my own advice and acknowledge that little girl, the pain and damage I and others have inflicted and draw a new line in the sand with a hope of a better tomorrow'
This is 2017 though I remind myself, let’s try and reflect as much as we need to in order to learn, process and move forward with our lives however not dwelling on the past and finding that balance between reflection and then moving forward. A lot of my previous blog post since deciding to get clean have been about self-reflection and about the bad times throughout 2016 and telling some of the impacts of those bad times and choices throughout 2016 had on me from physically throughout to socially, emotionally etc. I admit to you that I do write those blog posts in order to try and help others on their journeys, bringing some awareness and doing whatever I can by speaking out. I also admit I get more out of writing it for my readers then my readers get reading it. I thank all my readers who read my stuff whether it be friends, family or someone from around the globe. You all help me get to a place where I am now, I can’t even express in words what I get out of writing this.
This moves me onto my next thing I wish to talk about in my new year, a new chapter. Being in my second detox stay. Being herein such difficult times such as being in here throughout new years and being in here with such strong incredible people and hearing their stories has washed over a me a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the life that I lead and all the gifted things I have been blessed with and not just from now but since I was brought into this earth. So many young people out there have been dealt such a shit hand in life since the beginning whether it is from physical abuse, being in foster care, being kicked out of home or even left homeless. I hear such sad Stories and even remarks...
Wait scratch that, NOT SAD stories BUT courageous, strong and inspiring stories of such young courageous lionhearted beautiful people. These stories and remark s make me so grateful for all that I have been given, such as loving and kind parents and family, a roof over my head with heat and food plus filled with privileges of nurture and celebration. I think it is so important to have a grateful heart. I have written before in a previous post about the importance of gratitude and appreciation but I feel each day I learn just how much this is true.
I am thankful for my second chances, the ability to be able to live in a world filled with services and places that are graciously there to help you along your journey, my second chance at VCE and like above my loved ones followed with finally my sobriety.
Thank you so much for reading this, like I've said I've gotten so much out of this and I appreciate all the kind and supportive comment and messages. Please if you think my blog can help anyone out there please put them on to it. I am always free for a chat if anyone wishes to talk.
‘Dare to be something more’
Road On Recovery
A life of Parties, sex,drugs and crime + how i ended up arrested.
1 year ago today I posted on my social media a picture of my everyday makeup routine ''My daily makeup routine, getting ready along with the difference between my wig an d real hair''.
I remember looking back to this day a year ago posting it on my social media, very confident, very content with my life. I honestly felt as if i had it all and that i was meant to do something special in life and be part of something great, But who knew only to follow would be the downfall of my existence filled with shame and regret only to end up wandering the streets making poor decisions, my body drastically not reflecting anything of my past self and coming to a crashing point in life of parties, drugs and crime. Today when i got the alert of the memories of a year ago posting this picture an idea came to me. If a year ago i had posted this then a year later (today) would reflect and continue on with the stages in the pictures to capture my downfall and not only for my own self reflection but to show you how a general healthy woman can go from my pictures from above to the new collage only to follow a year later...
There are many many things i have done along my road of parties, drugs and crime however there is one incident in particular that really sticks with me day after day now that i am on my road of recovery and that is the night of my arrest. I don't know why and i certainly don't know how in that moment it seemed like a good idea but all i know is that it happened and that in a moment especially when riddled with a drug educed mind and body that in a split second you may find yourself making a decision that will stick with you for times during and after your relapse. One night, or on the fourth or fifth night for that matter awake and on yet another bender i found myself with my 'friend'' on the streets wondering around town, realistically not actually doing anything but somehow the amusement was there and the plans of when and how to get home along with pure safety was something that seemed to be neglected in our mushed and fried mines. Whilst typing this it almost is shocking to me to see how it wasn't shocking in the time of when i right, the priorities and what seemed to be important at the time. Our minds or mine for that matter knew one thing and one thing only and that was the party and to keep the excitement and pure rush continuing and never ending. So with that description fresh in mind it just so happened that it somehow jumped from 11 that night to 3 the next morning and that was when it suddenly became clear to us, after becoming so dehydrated and hungry because that as well not being a priority as well after 4 or so days of little sips and nibbles that it was in fact that late and now buses and trains where not running and we had no way of returning home out of the cold and now raining night/morning. If things were not worse enough both our phones had died so now there was no way of calling a taxi or anyone else for that matter to pick us up. It just so happened that the only place open within any form of walking was a 7/11 but yet serviced by a man who refused any plea to help us call a taxi, not even off his own mobile phone. This resulting in a more aggressive and angered mood led me to continue my search for a way home. On my search just not that far down from the 7/11 came across a construction site where a group of homes where being built. What i thought was a bright idea, allowed myself over the fence in search of a power point to charge our phones with the newly bought phone sager from the 7/11 man who's only help was to purchase one. I figured half of the houses were built and opened up so that i could sneak in and briefly charge my phone. Well apparently the police did not think this was such a brilliant idea and wanted to remove the trespassers from the new construction site. My breaking and entering spree was shorted with the arrest and removal of me and my 'friend''. The realization of the possible criminal charge scared me to my core. It suddenly came to me now that if i was faced with a criminal record, that i would soon be faced with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. Always having to tick the box yes when asked if i had committed a criminal offense, always having to legally tell an employer when in a job interview or in a application to attend university. Whilst detained in the back of the police car it all came crashing down around me. All of the times on my relapse i had never had any crippling realizations of the consequences of my actions so everything seemed fine, i see this night now as a pivotal moment in my time coming to my road on recovery. Luckily and thankfully and a lot of tears the police officers understood my story of that night (leaving out the details of drugs though) allowed us off with just a warning and informed me that there would be no charges and therefore no criminal record and we were free to go. The night did end with the kind police officers driving us home as well. Though i still continued to riddle my body and mind with crystal methamphetamine days and weeks after the incident of that night. I hope my readers or whoever is actually reading this that you don't judge me to harshly. I do allow myself some slack as I do have to be kind to myself and begin to accept who i was, what i did before i can move on and thankfully i am slowly every day doing so and am begging to love who i have yet again have become regardless of who i was. Before i move on to my week update i wish to say i do in no way endorse or make excuses for crime and the stories of my relapse but only wish to be honest and to discuss what it is that got me to those points in my life because it helps me become at peace with the things i have done so that i can continue on my road on recovery plus i hope that it can provide some insight into a person who was on a life of parties and drugs and possibly hope anyone who is still on that path to see what it is you can become or be faced with if you continue down this journey and to show simply that if i can turn it around so can you.
My week has had so many ups, more than the downs i can confidently and happily say. I am proud to report that i now for the last 4 days have upped my runs/walks to 2 a day, now at a whopping total of 73.72 kilometers. I again wish to stress to anyone who was on the same path or wishing to getting clean and wanting drug sustaining measures that a run/walk at the start and end of your day is so rewarding not just for your body but for your mind and soul to. At the beginning of my week i came across Delta Goodrem's new album 'Wings of the wild''. This is my latest album i LOVE to listen to whilst on my run. It has so many songs that i hear as being so relevant to my situation i am in. Her lyrics in songs such as Dear Life, Heavy, I'm only human and Encore have given me such strength not only to push on in my run and achieve more kilometers out of it but in the rest of my day and road on recovery. I highly suggest to everyone and all my readers to listen to her album today! This week i am so thrilled to announce that i continued to work on my relationships that i talked about last week PLUS on more and unexpected relationships. This week i did highly want to focus on building brides with my sister Chloe. It started of slowly with texting during the day to see how she was, keeping up with her if anything was happening and showing little acts of kindness. During the week i opened up to her and informed her of my decisions and plans to go to detox and rehab. This to me was so unexpected but i just felt ready to let her in, i also felt this was pivotal in our own road to recovery as it showed her i was willing to let her in which showed trust and faith in her to and hopefully allowing her to allow me slowly back into her heart. I feel this week we have already done so well; she cleaned out her room this week and I after coming out of a bath found clothes all over the lounge room with a surprise 'happy early Christmas, take whatever you want''. This honestly meant to much to me. It may sound small to others but i've always felt like since my transition that it was my fault for how strained my sisters and i have become. I always senses a reluctance and a bit of a discord between us. Her giving me all of her clothes that she no longer wanted and chose to give them to me showed that she was willing to embrace me and just showed a level of acceptance. This was not just clothes and this wasn't just a gift it was so much more so i thank you Chloe xxx. Surprisingly my other sister Kayla, we have re connected and begin our own road to recovery as well. I was so touched to wake up and find she had reached out to me with saying that she was proud of my recovery and that she had read my last blog post and thought i was doing well. This was a great morning indeed. Just the fact that she 1, reached out to me first and was the bigger person and 2, read my blog post and kept up to date with me without even being told or asked shows a enormous level of love and care. We met up yesterday for a day out, i haven't enjoyed myself as much as i did yesterday. She shouted me to a breakfast, lunch AND a day of shopping. We laughed and shared stories of our time away from each other and our plans for the future. My plans for detox and what not and her going to New Zealand and bungee jumping off the highest point there (which i am enviously jealous, that is if she goes through with it haha). I am glad i have both my sisters back in my life and it is something that keeps me sober every day as if i do have an urge i simply look all that i am getting back and have in my life and what i would be giving up if i did give into temptation. The rest of my week was filled with seeing my councilor, my dad and celebrating with friends.
I am thankful every day for my sobriety and second chances. Often in life and during our busy days, especially in the society that we live in we often (if not skipped or missed) have moments that are meaningful to us but often move on with the rest of the chaos in our life. I love writing my blog and weekly update because it allows me to reflect on the week i've had and yet again truly feel all the love and positive things that i got to experience and truly be thankful for them. I once read a quote and its another thing that find pivotal in my long term sobriety and that is to 'Start each day with a grateful heart''. I find this to be so true as if we have nothing to be thankful for and we if we do not have gratitude and love in our hearts then what life are we truly leading. If i don't have something to be thankful for then i am not living and not experiencing everything i truly can. I end with a quote from Deltas album and that i really want anyone on the same journey hopefully to take away from it that don't give up, keep pushing through the hard times and continue to be thankful and grateful as it may be easy in the time but don't give into a momentary weakness as u will give up a long term happiness.
''Wouldn't it be easy to turn the page, and wouldn't it be easier to just through the book away'
Days sober- 18
A life of Drugs, parties, sex and crime
A day in the life of detox and sobriety
As of couple days after posting my last week’s blog I got the call from my councillor letting me know that there had a bed become avaible at a detox and if I wanted to I could go in as of Tuesday. Today’s weekly blog post is aimed to hopefully provide some insight as to my first week in detox, the pros, cons, challenges I had any just the life I’ve been leading whilst in here.
I begin my detox journey being picked up by my councillor who makes way to my house at 9 am. The earliest I had probably been in up in a while. In the hours the night before I had organised to see my father and any family that I could to say goodbye and let them know of my arrangements. When I got the call originally I jumped up with glee and was excited beyond any measure. Any fears or possible nervous scenarios that might play out later seemed not to be in question, only the promise of a better tomorrow and hopefully Blair. I had already done so much work prior to this phone call. As you all would have known from my prior blog last week I had been sober more than 2 weeks and had increased my runs to 2 a day. I had already so much under my belt and had been doing this myself with ought any assistance from a detox centre etc. so I was not concerned as much, to be honest I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder with my pre-existed ideas of how easy life was going to be in here since I had done it on my own already, However my stay so far (on day 6 writing this) has had so many ups, happy memories, laughs and genuine progress on my road to recovery it has had its time of stress, tears and breakdowns along with self-doubt and any other unpleasant emotion I had suppressed seemed to come out. I am very lucky that I write this sentence; I have had not many repeated experiences with the negative but majority more of the positive but from my experience from some of the other lovely people I am sharing this detox unit with have at time struggled beyond any pain I have and I will not sugar coat that, I feel I am simply a person who has just been able to adapt to this new adjustment a lot easier than others and my life situation before hand may have been more easier or whatever term you wish to use to them. When I did arrive at the unit my fears and anxiety surely did kick in. I can say that there was only one other person in the unit when I arrived and I will say (with respectfully leaving there details anonymous) that I have connected and had such an enjoyable time with them and already have plans for future when hopefully we may meet again in other rehabilitations or just in life generally. This was very fortunate and such an advantage to my first few days in the unit, as I do know in the past when I attempted a detox stay I was faced with people who honestly scared me and made me fear for my safety whilst also making me fear for my own recovery there. I did arrive and for the first hour or 2 was on edge and especially more after my councillor had left me to settle in. I remember tho just wanting to unpack and settle in. Something about unpacking seemed like the right thing to do. I completed this very quickly whilst pacing up and down my bedroom, which I might add I am so lucky because the facilities in general are so amazing, honestly it is better than my own bedroom. Anyways I needed up letting my anxiety take control and it honestly felt like de ju vu from the last stay and already in my head pacing was ‘get me out of here’, ‘this is not for me’, ‘this will be like last time’, ‘there’s no way I can continue here’, ‘there’s no way they can help or support me anyways’. From listening to other peoples stories on their first days and just in general the workers stories on what a lot of other in stays are feeling are exactly the same and I do know for a fact that a lot of my readers are reading this because they are on the same journey as me whether that is if there in detox, rehab or even in there parties stage hoping to get clean and get it together. This is mostly why I write this week’s blog about this as I do feel that by sharing my experience in a detox program after sharing my battles with drug addiction and whatever else I have shared and how I did cope and manage in a detox program PLUS by sharing truthfully my fears and any troubles I may have had along the way to help provide some insight and maybe get my readers who maybe wish to go into a detox program to receive help can take some comfort away from my own experience in here. So as I did say those pesky thoughts did race through my heads and I already thought within the first 2 hours that I was going to bail. I will say this tho, honestly and I mean honestly if you are afraid of going in to a detox program because you’re scared that you will be one of those people who get to the door and then 10 minutes or if not straight away turns away and goes back home (which I add was my reservations to and a lot of other young people out there too) that the people working in these facilities and the companies in general honestly do not mind nor take any offence at all. This was one of the conversations I was having with one of the workers here and they honestly told me that they have so many young people end up leaving the same day or at the door BUT that was okay and they said to me good on them tho for at least even trying, if they couldn’t do it this time, maybe next time and good on them for at least taking a step in trying and WANTING to get help. This is honestly so true, I know it sounds cheesy and some outreach workers who may be helping you get into a detox etc. will say all this but you mauy7 think ‘yeah that’s what everyone says’ but I am telling you it’s true.
Continuing on I did do the typical ‘take a few breaths, look at it from outside your head and emotions’ and I actually and am proud that I did, used one of the things I learnt of the headspace app which in summer is all about mindfulness and helping with mental health etc. and the technique I learnt was to image my mind, emotions anything I think or am dealing with and imagine a road and that the cars are all of those thoughts and feelings. It told me in a session that it is human to want out onto the road, stop the cars, divert them, send them in opposite ways, whatever but in the end we end up with a mess and all these cars (thoughts and feelings) crashing and becoming an explosion. Instead of taking this human instinct try and train yourself to sit back and still allow yourself to experience these emotions (watching the cars on the side of the road) but allowing them to continue on within there drive and let them leave. So I sat back and took a deep breath and in that moment with using this technique allowed myself to come up with a reasonable solution. I realised that I knew that I was ready, that myself doubt was perfect normal and it was even more perfectly normal to have fear and anxiety to new environments and situations. I decided to take a leap of faith in my own strength and did what I knew I had to do to make my stay possible and to be continued on. I knew for me that I needed to just leave my room and jump in, ripping of the band aid if you will. I went down tackled the kitchen and the setup of helping yourself. I used the lounge room to watch my TV show on my laptop instead of isolating myself in my room and when the opportunity to dive into9 the program which on that day was arts and crafts (even though arts and crafts made me have my own reservations) I still took it and aloud myself to experience new things. I am no Picasso but I did allow myself to try and expe4riance and have a laugh and painted myself a canvas and write a nice quote on it.
Diving into the program, engaging in conversation and opening up and showing small acts of kindness to the other people I am staying here with, helped me adjust in so much easily as it suddenly felt like a place of acceptance and a place I could make my own. Some of you reading may have a harder time adjusting or might find that my technique of ripping the band aid off or even if your confidence in a social situation may be a bit harder than I recommend just telling the workers there. They are there for you and to help you with your stay there and how to make it as comfortable as possible, don’t ever feel like you’re bothering them or like you shouldn’t as that is what they are there for, however I do know that it is really hard when you do have those reservations as even at time to time I do to.
The rest of my week at the stay has been so jam packed with act ivies and outings such as tree surfing, movies, pools, gym etc. I have taken up every opportunity possible whilst also proud to say have been at the gum and pool every day at my stay here. That is another great tip for your stay here which has worked for me and that is to use any drug sustaining methods or things to focus your mind on in your stay when things are hard and apply them or alter them in some way to make them possible whilst in the unit. Mine since my first day of sobriety has always been fitness and though I can go for a long run, it has just been easier with my situations here to go to the gym and pool. This has made me feel like I’m achieving and doing something with my time when things do get bad. I will not act like there haven’t been downs, luckily they haven’t been constant and honestly have been small but I have used that method to help cope. As I have said there are many ups I have experienced in my stay here which has been the support, the hospitality, the outings, the distractions, the socialising, friends, company HOWEVER there has also had its cons, as with everything. The cons would be that sometimes you do have to compromise and adjust your standards a bit more then when living at your own home as you are now living and working in a team, this is honestly the biggest piece of advice I can give you. You are now living with workers and other people in the unit who all want to do their own thing and have it there way and we all know it is super hard at time to be working in a group and having to work in teams. I will admit this has been my biggest challenge as I have not always seen eye to eye or liked some of the things others have said or have maybe bucked heads a few times but it has pushed me to continue to work in a team, mature and become more reasonable and kind so I am thankful for that, however I will not lie at times I do want to tear my hair out (whatever little I have anyways). Other cons would be that sometimes you do feel home sick and things are not always as easy and the things your used to having around you are no longer there, it is a big adjustment and you do have to be strong but there are support systems in place to help work around this, otherwise it would not be possible.
This is the end of my blog today and I do apologise to anyone reading if I have blabbered on and on but I will admit this was supposed to be focused more on the days here and the details but I did end up turning it into trying to maximise my thoughts and feelings here and turning my expe4riance into advice for others who are on the same road or who are looking into detox programs as I know that I would of loved to read something similar before I was going. I do see my family tomorrow and the rehab I hope to enter which will be exciting, I am so tired and exhausted from all the activities, fun and hard work I’ve been doing and had here so I will end here. Thank you so much for reading and please if anyone has any questions or just plain comments please find me on my Facebook page (link provided below) and feel free to contact me on there. I leave you with some personal pictures of my stay here so far from tree surfing, I hope you enjoy.
*any people in the picture have given consent and permission to their picture being posted in my blog