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About this blog

Being a MtF trans is hard and I ache to bust from my male shell into womanhood. I have been this way since I can remember, but a long time ago I suppressed these emotions until recently everything came down. It's difficult trying to fit all of this inside my head. When I found this site I was excited to finally be able to talk to someone who knows, but when I found out that I could add a blog that made things even better because I can express myself so much better in writing.   

Entries in this blog

   Who doesn't love a hand full of skittles every now and then? No, I'm not going to go into any commentary on candy at this time, though. My subject is actually about love in diversity, namely the LGBT community and more specifically the pride flag. Although this site is geared more toward Trans...(fill in the blank) and our flag is a flag of different colors my intention isn't really about colors. The rainbow has been used as a significant symbol throughout our world's history. In the 16th century, during the German Peasant's War the rainbow flag was used to symbolize a new era, hope and social change. The rainbow flag represent the city of Cusco in Peru. It represents Buddhism, In the 1920's it represented the International cooperative Movement, which stood Unity in diversity and in 2001 it became a logo for the I.C.M., placed in the middle of white background. Each color representing different meanings: 

  • Red - Courage
  • Orange- visions of Possibilities
  • Yellow - The challenge that Green has kindled..
  • Green - A challenge to strive for growth
  • Sky Blue - A goal to achieve global unity 
  • Dark blue - Helping those less fortunate
  • Violet - Warmth, beauty and friendship  

In 1961 the rainbow flag stood for Peace. Then in 1978 Gay Pride!

     Yup the good ol' rainbow flag in unity and love. The colors have traveled around the world to arrive in this day and time as a symbol of hope and an expression of courage . It has been told that in various countries that gay men signaled others by the wearing of a specific color. In England they wore green carnation, in Australia the color was yellow, usually in the form of socks. At one time, somewhere, the color was purple, as in "Purple Power". During the holocaust a pink (gay) or black (lesbian) triangle was used for the prisoners. Now brought together in the form of a flag that not only represents rights but also pride. 

     As the story goes that the original rainbow was created by the Hebrew/Christian God as symbol of a promise with love. Now please don't take me as a hater when I say that it should be returned to be just that, a promise with love or in love. I don't mean in love with your partner, but in love with each other as a whole. This world needs to learn to love one another. Across the oceans and across the land. The rainbow flag needs to be spread over the globe not only in the homosexual community, but in all community, all cultures,(or sub cultures) in all society. Remove all labels and just as the colors of the flag came from around the world let it now fly around the world in love and unity in diversity.  

     Although the origins of the Piñata can be traced back to China it still largely represents Mexico. Just a little tidbit that I thought I would include. The issue that brought me back here to my blog is one that has occurred to me from time to, but today it hit me a little harder than usual.

     It's really not like me to rush into my local department store and rush right out. However, here I was zooming to the checkout line without making any diversions, as is normal for me.  I was in the grocery section, so there weren't any items of  my fascination near.

     My mother lives across the road so I took a stroll. Half way there I remembered passing by the Piñatas and suddenly I actually felt like one. A container holding a fine bounty of treasure that everyone rushes in to take. I'm really the treasure inside and although I really don't want to be beat up with a bat, I do wish it were so simple. Please let me use a mid 20th century slang phrase, "The Man" is trying to beat me down into some idealistic world of fictional truth! It is the world that I have lived in for almost 45 years, until one night I went to dream land and a little girl showed me who I really am. :huh::o Well, I'm next up to bat and evaluating the strategy of those that have gone before me, reviewing the weakness that I've noticed, choosing my best bat and waiting for my opportunity to knock this paper mache to the ground.  

     Oh, how much do I, (we?) wish that it really could be that simple?

 :wub: xoxoxo The Purple Woman.   

and rant I will

By freebree,

     and rant I will


     I thought that I read somewhere that ranting is allowed. I hope so because I’m a ranter and here I go. First I want to get one thing out of the way. Can I have a female moderator or administrator PM me because I am having a personal issue with the forum, nothing bad, but I have to say it and I can’t say it in here.


    OMG, I can’t believe it! EEEEEE! My (very unsupportive) wife likes to go to a local thrift store to buy clothing, (nothing personal), real cheap and quite often new items, (still tagged). I went in for a shower and grabbed a pair of pants, that she recently bought there. It wasn’t until after that I realized that she gave me women’s pants by mistake. I hesitated to put them on and wasn’t sure that they would even fit. Although the butt drooped the hips were a little baggy, but, at the same time made mine look a little bigger, but in a good way, (for me). They were more comfortable than man’s and felt more right. OMG I love it!


    On a depressing note, I feel whipped!  Around my house, everyday someone slams Transgenderism. It seems like the pressure is being increased more and more. Several times a day now, my wife speaks up against  one or more issues either in the news, on Facebook or out of the bible.One day my son came in and started quoting from a site that seemed to be saing everything that my wife says about TG. He also said that cutting your ……….. off don’t make you a woman. No son this is not a mental disease, it’s who I  am inside and, without arguing about procedure, reconfiguring my hardware is just a means to an end. I do not wish to insult or embarrass anyone, but this is not a road to homosexuality. If I were to be homosexual, bisexual… then it would be with or without transitioning. One does not make the other!


    I am a little excited though. I’ve been noticing a lot of different changes going on even without HTR and at the time that I wrote this I didn’t know why these was going on, but after a little bit that I stumbled upon today I discovered that soy beans offers a large amount of estrogen and so does a lot of other beans and I've Been eating a lot recently he he. One area is in libido, he he that is such a funny word to mean what it does. LOL. Seriously for a long time I have had trouble with it being on extended vacation, but it is beginning to come back just a little, but now it is a little different. Now I rather than being stroked, (I never really liked that anyway) I actually long to be rubbed and gently massaged at the top. I have also noticed that some of my facial expressions seem to be a little more feminine, if there is such a thing. There might be some others that I’m not thinking of right now, but I have a certain item that is both interesting and exciting. Due to a medical condition that I have mentioned in another post, but I’m not going into now. To put it as mildly as I can think of let me just say that I lost a lot of air from my balloon, he he. Although it can be a bad medical condition, (I am working with my HCP on it), it feels real nice and saves money on duct tape or other items that might come in handy to a girl like me. And last but definitely not, in the least, least is that I have noticed that my life seems to go so much better when i place my mind into girl mode, which is what I hope to accomplish on a full time basis.

I am more comfortable writing these on Google Docs then pasting them onto my blog here, but my point is just a little bit of interest that the font that I used on this one is called Bree Serif. I hope everyone is comfortable with it and with me writing in purple. Someone on an earlier post commented that the cursive font that I chose was too hard to read, so like a good girl I listened and gave a little respect. Please  feel confident to criticize on anything that is disagreeable, offencive or just plain rude. whether it is from the top, like an administrator or at the bottom, like the newbie I’ll take anything into consideration or comply with our leaders. I love this place and feel good here just like home.

Lie Monster

By freebree,

 Lie Monster

   Being that most things in my life have gone wrong, I have hated my life for a long time now and I have even more reason to hate it. I live my life in a lie. It is no lie that I love my wife and no lie that I really care. She can never see it nor can I ever show it. It has always been difficult to connect with anyone. I can connect with kids and dogs, but not people. I showed love before, why can’t I do it now”?


    I feel so distraught in my relationships. Not even I understand, but I think that I’m starting to. I frequently feel depressed, my Dr. claims that I have the worst case of depression that she has even seen, but I don’t see it. I also seem to be oppressed as if something or someone is holding me back. It is imperative to be friendly to have friends, but friends also need to be fed to remain being a friend. Sometimes I can be friendly and on occasion I do make friends but just don’t maintain the relationship.


    On several occasions I have been told that I have an addictive personality. Sometimes, when I reflect on that statement I realize that it might actually be true. and that I get too wrapped up in myself.  I can spend hours on things that I like, frequently think about other people, but rarely follow through with what I’m thinking.. Maybe I am being selfish, but addictive? Not to everything though. My dad is an alcoholic and because of that and out of fear of becoming one too, as a kid, I swore never to pick up that first drink. Many kids say one thing then when they grow up do another, then tell our kids to do as I say not as I do as our elders told us :-) No matter how drunk or how often that I was I never did get addicted to booze. It has been several years since I was drunk. I might accept a drink if offered or I might not. However, with the first cigarette I  was addicted for twenty years I wasted money on that worthless… And now it’s the internet and I’ll admit that I postpone things that should be done before I settle in for the night. I don’t practice my religion as much, (my bible is online :-} ). In addition, ( just like I used to believe that TG was a sin) I didn't like poetry, but now here I am just recently discovering that I am a MtF poet and have been neglecting my poetry. As I sit writing this and reflecting on what I have told so far I’m beginning to see that maybe that I am more addictive than I once believed..

    I feel so helpless to find myself here day in and day out living in this lie too. It is just too hard. I can’t leave my wife in the state that she is in. I can never bring myself to hurt her, leave her with so much more responsibility. She can barely handle what she does now and her condition is getting worse. I can’t leave her knowing that she can’t hold up financially alone. I can’t leave until I know that she knows how much that I really love her and know that she is taken care of.  As much as my body craves and aches to transition. This really hurts, To make her live her life as a lie or to devastate her world with my truth. I am a monster.