Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
  • entries
  • comments
  • views

About this blog

Entries in this blog

you no longer get diagnose with GID. its gender dysphoria. I am constantly have to live 2 identities. One is who i am. The other is who i have to be for everone to be comfortable, for my safety, and for my benefit. this is reason for me to go out as a man and no other. and for me this is the hardest part about my transition. its not the hormones its not dressing like a girl or anthing else. just the fact that i alway been a loner and now i have to try do it as a female.  girls whove been sexually assaulted and raped will sometime dress like men for their protection and it have nothing do with passing, its fact that guys dont want to mess w someone who is girl that mirror themself. 

the biggest set back in all this is when others dont even try to respect your decision and will try to flip the table for this to be a mental disorder or anthing but the obvious. not all cases of transgender patients have to do with mental illness. Sometimes the mental illness have to do with trying to live two identities in one body. its overwhelming difficult to keep up with. i lose the energy a lot. im depressed cus i cant be who i am. my mind constantly have to use my gender as a mode with a switch instead of natural congruency. 

one of the biggest limiting factos for all my projblems have been money. coming from poor areas of life, i learned to hide who i am and just work the job. i did this for money and to be able to work. when i find myself focus on this issues of my life, yes it is one of most difficult thing to come to term with. i wish i had that option when i was 18 even. i never felt worthy of a good job. i will alway just do what they tell me to do. when your livelihood is this, thats what u do. i just couldnt do it anmore. my mind was starting to crack. it became real hard to maintain both, with one being an illusion an actor a facade and the real self just corralled this small genie bottle in my head.

becaus of my limited skills and experience for doing anthing and lack of money, i just get tossed down w everone else who doesnt have this things. im a quiet person. i hate attention most times but i no im looking for something more. i dont want to feel like my best option is to do online adult entertainment, porn, or sex work. and this seem to be what i think a lot of transgirls do when theyre poor. they want the surgey and they going to do whatever it takes to get it. 

what im saying w all this, is my strength was in the wrong identity if its a lie, and im forced to try work w be trangender my job market descrease in size. since im not at 100% comfort and feeling secure as woman im still deal with even more stress and this things other people need to unerstand becaus this have been this biggest obstacle. this is what causes all this weird behavior to manifest all the time. and this is why im constant depressed. the world is not going to stop to rotate and say this person needs help. it keeps on spinning and i continue to live as a dependent for someone else who thinks i dont real need money becaus i will just waste it or leave them. so it s ok for them to succeed but nothing change for me. i cant really be taken serious because i constant feel like if i get to liberal im going to be homeless again. 

ive done this bouncing around for so long, couch surfed for so long, and now im in my 40s. i dont have kids. i dont have skills for using in a job. i have a degree thats outdated becaus i took my dads advice and when he said "be a trucker" i did it. i dont no why but i keep attracting this dominant women who want to push me around and argue w me when all i real want at this point is my own space and the ability to say no and not compromise ever f----ing time. i been called all the names they dont bother me. but u no sometimes i wonder what its like to live w out these shackles on to do what i want w out being monitored 24/7, w being left just enough resources for survival and thats it. i keep thinking thing will change if i just keep waiting and do more of what im told but it just make me angrier. becaus i no the minute the situation was changed and if i had the financial resources, i woulnt stay in here. id do it alone. im not talking about hand me down or pity money. im talking about job opportunity, not a porn actress. someting i can do. 

live as a woman as your gender. lol. i done home maker for long time. but funny that doesnt get counted. only the fashion show and runway model get the attention and only a skirt count as being passable. when your someone's moon in life and even if its not romantic, you rely on them for everthing. its a constant battle for existence. at times im at such low points. any progress i make cant just be like tide coming in and out. i get emotional about this. i cry. i think back on all the mistakes i made i try to imagine if i transitioned 20 years ago. i live in this place. its all i have. its only thing that keeps me going sometime. but i guess the big thing is, when someone say they dont believe im trangender or im not going pass and that someone is the earth i depend on to survive, yea its hard to take. 

i ekep try to be who i am cus im the moon. my rules are different. who im am where i sit make sense but for everone else im an airhead. im not saying im stupid, just that i live in my dream so much reality takese second seat for my coping w this expeience. thank for reading this.

girl jeans

By Kitrah,

so i converted to girl jeans now. my ass dont fit right in the boy ones no more. its strange because i been getting weird looks when im out now but i feel ok. im not freaked out like prob i going to be in dresses. so i think this good style for me. now i prob need to get some boots. my legs sort suprise me to. i havent notice that i walking different now i guess it just happen. im seeing more of me everday so thats nice. hope everone have a great time. i never think i would do it but i get very tired an angry wearing the boy jeans all the time.

A good day

By Kitrah,

Today been good day so far. I haven’t had anxiety attack or depression. So that’s good. I decide to paint my nails so I’m feeling good. I don’t no why that guy put that sign in his window. I try not pay attention to thing like that but it was hard to miss it take up the whole window. So I worried about it but nothing happen. Maybe it the same person who put the orange in the yard. But yea this things are scary because I don’t know what they going do and if they stalk me online. It’s not fun and that why I don’t wear the dresses outside. I think I’m going make chicken tonight. 


By Kitrah,

sometime I wish my experience wasn’t what it is. It make me uncomfortable and isolated. But it also make me think this way. There so many time I wish I had better life and get to just be who I’m. 

So I try fix this. Same puzzle it don’t change and same missing pieces. No matter how many time put together. All I can do is imagine. What this look like. Fill in details and stare at what’s there.

I try fit in society. Try live peaceful and not get upset. All I can do try. But when ppl can’t see it, it frustrate me. I get anxiety at times I can’t even get the mail or I just avoid social situation that might upset me. 

I feel lost and I no I’m become problem for society. I’m not going have nice things or car or own place. So all I can do is think this isn’t happening. I no inside things r not good but It really hurt my family not there. 

I want better life but I can’t see way to go there. That why when time I start see changes. It make me confident. I try to be fixed and have new life cuz this have been the only thing I did for myself. 


By Kitrah,

My mind never same. Ever since was stalked, my mind never open same way. im on alert alway looking for danger and try to make sure my ex who online dont know where im at or what i doing. almost 10 year of this now and when she thinking she going get in trouble now she just recruit her unerage daughter do it for her. things get quiet and then find myself want to share things and i cant. some ppl cant deal with u say no to them its just game me play hard to get. whatev. it terrorise me. im scared. it not fun. i cant go out. not my fault u life so bad but u have destroy me mental. my confidence in myself gone. your fake account and ex friend u use.. make sure i get nothing or no one. everone like just forget about it forget about u. but i no u still watching. u dont want no one have me. just say what u want make all them leave. so many time i wish u will go to prison. so many time i wish u will go to far. i cant have social media without u mess w it. thing so bad u do that fbi have to go see u. u just lie like u alway do. now when strange thing happen, ur the one im seeing. u all use me and my secret keep me do what u want but u break me. force me be girl im not ready be. say your not going tell no one. fuck u. now everone no. but i going get fix. im not prise u get to keep for being bad. u dont get have me. im not for u. im happy forget to no u. just let me go.


By Kitrah,

So I guess I been fighting flu maybe pneumonia for past few weeks and final starting to clear. I alway feel like something more to do but I been so tired. Just ended a friendship today. I’m tired of people giving this emotionless set of direction on what I need be doing. Rather than see myself go in circle against brick wall I just say I’m done. Don’t call no more. If u can’t be heard what the point. If your views so different why keep fighting. It been quiet rest of day. 

The person I live w I can’t share thing with cuz they not listening half the time so it’s pretty much been bad day. I realize I’m trapped in a situation that making transition not fun and making me hate being force back into male role and male idenity. 

I find myself isolating more. I can’t seem identify or pull myself together so I spend time fantasize about girl in my head who I want be if I not living this life. 

I think about be reincarnated is it going be right next time. Am I going have friends. Or is going be another empty life. 

My goal this life just simple. I want full transition and fully dress as woman all time and be par of society with my own relationship. Someone I like and like thing I do. 

I pretty much all girl. I just want to get surgery over w so can heal and have normal life. I don’t want this be some weird thing. If I have be alone I chose itmover be w someone who like yea your not a real girl. Cuz I am. I just have keep play this male role cuz it make everone comfortable. It not mattering it doesn’t fit or I look adrgynous. Only that I man up. 

Sorry I’m not loud rude big mouth who walk around scratch belch fart. 

On mute.

By Kitrah,

I’m exhausted. It’s ben one thing after other today. Sometimes when I’m talking I feel like everone has me on mute. Like I’m stupid an airhead. I feel like I’m on this ship, making all this compromises, trying to be heard and no one listening. When I get louder so do everone else and when I’m upset, why r u yelling. 

Im terrified. Like being stuck with bad driver everyday. Your like please don’t put us in the ditch pay attention. So in sense That’s the control I have.

im on the ship at sea. I’m not the captain and the only thing I do is pray there’s no typhoon.

i get whole supporting role thing cuz you got to trust this other persons decisions and I am about had it with this. Say your not afraid to eat alone cuz that’s going be one uncooked meal. 

Day after day do things your way. Fine but I’m not appreciated. Tell me I’m scare the meal ticket going run out one more time. Yea I’m not happy w this living arrangement cuz I’m doing things I never thought I do and saying things I shouldn’t say. Put me back on mute. No I’m just wear my own headphones. Only when I’m quiet I get what’s wrong. 

What u want me spill the beans? I can’t say what I want. I just keep going. Just one task after the other. I’m not insensitive. That’s u. I’m not bullying that’s u. I can’t show my emotion. Just continue live out whatever part I’m suppose to play. 

I can take the abuse. I’m made for it, but u better try to remember my real name. It’s Kitrah. I’m not a bitch. I’m one who cook and serve your meals and do laundry and run errands and have no say what happens. I constantly write my life around this so I’m not on streets. 

My name mean something. It all I got. And u and everone else not going use it like a dirty word. That how u make me feel. 





By Kitrah,

So i been thinking about things most about perception. Major thing to me becuase i do not have protection like normal person. this have lead me to want to just be accepted as a woman instead of this intersex or transgender person. why. because this state seem to attract negative attention. and i think this why people want to fit within binary. passing the option for safety and talking online or anwhere just open the door to attacks and theres no defense. i cant tell u the thick skin u have to have. i was talking one my gf's and i said its sad really i want to live as a girl and even so i can't do it without everone make this big deal about it and it just force me to have to live mental as man even w what im doing. i rememer one my big anxieties antime i date someone was have to tell them right away or its going to become big issue and end bad. since it have been use for black mail me, i learn hard lesson to avoid ppl. i have horrible thing write about me online so of course ppl will believe it. all this things deter me from being myself and i end up keep going back to my instinct of not let someone make me the target by living in shadows. the work environment for me i have alway chose the job not in spotlight where ppl dont have see me and when i lose this job its hard to get a new one. im just perceive as unlikable and distant which is how i have been made to be. even my roomie seem to have this crazy perception of me and because she havent live my life or witness the discrimination she dont know. i rememer one time group of friend went to amusement park and i was wearing makeup, no dress and 2 girls threw their drink at me. like i dont know this ppl and didnt even look at them. this new trans attitude seem to be accepting but thats not society thats not offline thats just the illusion. really i wonder why my future even holds. am i going be able to take care myself? am i going have be dependent on ppl forever? im happy w the changes happen to me but also i feeling like it just going draw more drama and attention. and thats more anxiety. antime i mention any this to my roomie it just blank look and stare. no comment no communicating. i feel like evertime someone look at me they have this pity look. my roomie constant say i am crazy paranoid. and when i explain it shes just like yea but... still. this just make me more defensive say more and it never sink in. how i feel. i cant even look at ppl when i talk to them. im constant want to be somewhere else. it all around how ppl look at me. i no im failure. i dont have skills. i lost my job. and now im in the middle of this battle for identity. i w ant t o be who i am and that the hardest part, everone want me to just stay broken. i feel like i dont even have on RL friend who get me. i look at ppl at its frustrate to me.i feel like things i had going for me have taken away and now theres just this. whatever this is. worst transition ever. have to fight and argue just to get unerstanding. i feel like im just throwed to the wolves. while everone just sit back include my family members for me to just crash out. fuck u family. im just a troll going to live under the bridge now. i cant even keep my thought together to make this plans. yea this is the real problems not some selfie to make ppl want to fuck me on the computer.


By Kitrah,

So this some past thinkings I have. For those who dont know i have been subject to harassment and cyberstalking for many year which keep most online activity to minimum. This also have place lot of stress on me to get on hormone or do anthing for myself. I know ppl are curios but thats not a right to invade and cause me real life terror for simply be who i am. this has been something going on for about 10 year now maybe longer. its cause me to retreat many times because i dont unerstand why its happening or whos doing it. Sometimes i think its close friend or relative because of things being said and sometimes i think its someone online. I try to alway be peaceful person but sometime i feel like im being push to this isolation and that not fair to me. my social interaction very small and i general keep to myself because i dont want it to happen again or for whoever it is to try and find me and this all start back up again.

my conficence and self esteem suffer as result because i feel alone in this. also i never try to make myself this way. its how i am and has make it hard to dress as woman because i dont feel safe as one. i feel like im deal with some psycho who never going to give up and let me live my life. i still dress like man most time when i go out and it seem this make ppl angry but i do go to a party and there was some men there and they seem to get that i am female intersex. this just seem be this acceptance then, of course for that party i do my makeup and that seem to help people be more accepting.

but what am i suppose to do just throw on a dress and go out. this anxiety make it very hard and make my shy and not secure how people seeing me. the big problem i alway face is my height. im over 6 foot but my spirit much shorter! i wish ppl would just relax sometime because it make me stress when theyre stress. like what im going do just jump up and try have sex w everone in the room. that not how im thinking and i feel real bad sometime that seem to be what culture seem to think with all the porn ppl watch. im not like that and i dont throw myself at anyone. maybe some this trangender ppl are like that, but im not. i unerstand that im a woman of class, not some street hooker.

i was reading about some trangender woman online who dealing with stalkers to and when i hear thing like that it make me just want to continue dress as a man so im not going have to deal with that issue again. im not signed up for circus or zoo exhibit. im not exotic animal. i dont want someone who giving up on girls or someone who want something new. you know, maybe just get to know me outside the tinder apps and hookups. maybe some common interest. its always weird becuz ppl have to make this into fetish or bdsm or fantasy and its not its my life i live everday.

Before and After

By Kitrah,

So i been looking at this before and after photo people posting online them as man and as woman. Really w me it the same in both. So there is nothing transition to. Lack of tetosterone seem to just feminise me at puberty so i thinking about this and ive had some ppl ask me so how long u been on E and i like yea 10 mo. and they like wow! what results!! what you look like before and when i show them, because i look the same they sort get this blank stare. so now when someone ask me I just going say been on HRT for 30 years. 

Im not say that the HRT been pointless, its help to define more my body into a natural configuration. all to the hips and chest. so thats new.

Clipped wings

By Kitrah,

When i was a kid we had gotten parakeet. I remember we get the wings clipped so it doesn't fly away. It can fly short distances but always down. I feel like that bird. No matter how much i try to get away it always going be me hitting the ground. I feel like when people see this happen they thinking i wonder why this happening. 

seasons greetings

By Kitrah,

hi everone. sorry i been away for awhile. i been busy trying to get thing sorted out. my dose increase has produce much needed results that im been happy with. ive started working out 3 time a week and have some talk w myself about just being able to move forward w all this. i dont no if it true for everone but for me this still feel like a secret im keeping and it really not even needed at this point. ive experience much breast development. i forget sometime if im dressing certain way and really dont care. ive started practice w my voice which much work not needed. the other thing have been helping me is meditation. it brought me closer in touch w my spirit. i still have a lot things to sort out but its better than where i was month ago.

hope u have merry christmas and happy new year :)


so im at 7 months now. i feel great physical but emotional im depressed, lonely, sad. i been doing this transition without support network pretty much alone since i start. i am have a hard time wanting to or trying to integrate into society since job loss. things just keep getting more isolated for me. still dressing as a man in public but i standing out a lot more. my face and skin has soften, my anger is gone, i keep looking out for someone like me but dealing w unemployment and looking for friends who are living similar life to me just make me seem like baggage and problem. i dont know what i doing. i am pretty much go through female puberty now. so many changes to liste i cant even summarise where my mind at. i dont know whether im losing strength in the ocean or afraid to get in the water. i feel like my soul getting ripped in half because i cant give it what it needs. with all this going on im not suicidal, just scared im not going find a way to a meaningful life. having to fight a public perception is like swimming with sharks. i dont regret what im doing, wish i had done it sooner. its just going all the way and not getting stuck in the gender fluid ocean. maybe some are ok w that but it not what i want.

My fear is heightened and I take measure to insure my safety by living two different identities. One within the house and one with the public. Since there are people in the world who will hurt me if they find out then I am not going to present myself in a dress. So for dress, I continue dress as a man and it doesnt matter for me to do that, although I do like to dress as a girl. I know there is people who think I'm trying to trick people by not be forthcoming, but I that my choice, not theirs. I dont think at the top my list I need to disclose all my life and details to be stalked and harassed when the law enforcement and legal system will do little to protect me. So if my defense is to dress in a manner that discourage people from giving me unwanted attention be in "guy" mode then i have no problem doing that. So my choice in how to dress is more about survival.

I think it interesting that guy still seem to think that the reason any girl wear makeup or dress up is to impress them when for my reality it always been about to feel better about myself and make me feel more confident in my own skin. I never think to myself, time to get sexy so i can trick someone into sleeping w me. It do make me uncomfortable because this are the same kind of guys who think the girl is asking for it. When you have spent time on both side of the fence, you know how guys act and honestly, it is a big disappointment. They often just act in ways toward the end result and getting laid. For my girl friends, this never seem to be the case because we can talk for hours and have deeper connection. Again, this have been my experience. This make me think how important men are sexually for me in the grand scheme of thing or the emphasis in fully passing all the time to "impress" them.

Then there things that men are just better at than i can be although I have had maculine girls who have been great about standing up for me when other have attacked me, which is nice. I know some people prob think stand up for yourself, but it is nice when you have someone who is able to support you like that. There is something nice about the masculine type and it ability to bounce bricks of negative thoughts and action and it dont seem to notice or care. Where someone say something to me and 5 hour later i try to figure out what they mean or if they real think that about me.

Being able to fully embrace who I am seem be ongoing work. It seem get better than how it used be for me. i hated have to be a man. i hated have to sweat or drink beer. It much easier to be myself and do what i like instead of pretend to care about things i dont.


By Kitrah,

One my biggest struggle w this transition is care what other people think. This include my friend and family because i want something to look to for advice and there not there. So I try to be less caring what the other people think because im never going be like them. My own isolation prevent me for making any lasting connections so i watch the world go by. People say oh you can make things change, but i think there is more to fate. For first time in my life, i feel im on the right track. 


Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0