Kitrah

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About this blog

Personal Trans-formation. My journey into the world of gender, role, and the feminine aspect. 

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Updates

By Kitrah,

Updates.

I have some positives since my absence. I think my therapy had been coming along nicely. I've been becoming a lot more comfortable with being transgender and a lot less intimidated by what people are thinking. At times, I feel like I've given too much of myself away and the rest I have just locked away. I've been trying to find a way to reintegrate myself into society. I've met a handful of people who have been helpful, most are not. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop at times, trying to find the one key that's going to open the door to the good life. 

In some ways I feel betrayed by life, like I don't want to be this. No matter how I view it, I feel like I am going to always be viewed as less. Thinking on these things just leads me to darker places. 

My therapist has been suggesting to me to attend at least one transgender event so I can connect on some physical level with others who are going through this. I've been considering it a lot. 

I've started switching my wardrobe around, wearing makeup at home, focusing more on who I want to be. I feel going slow through this has allowed me to better experience this in a positive way. Knowing that this will be completed at some point is my light. Theres also the whole what do I want to do then? I have a few ideas in mind but the best so far aside from my hobbies is to help other people get where they need to go. A possibility would be social work. 

Not just looks.

By Kitrah,

I had another talk with my roommate so we are on the same page. She was asking me if I was planning on doing the surgery. So I said, "Why wouldn't I? I've been lied to my whole life about this." She went off on a tangent and said something along the lines of, "So you're really doing this because you feel you have to." My response was, "No. I'm doing this so I can be made whole." To someone who doesn't have to deal with the issues of being transgender, there's this assumption that it's all mental. In my case, it is also physical. And in my own head, it's spiritual as well. I want things to match up for once. 

I've been putting a lot of time into working on my voice and started working with that upper register. It does take some time to switch between the two but I have no problem using my natural voice. I just feel like I've held it inside for so long that hearing it shocked me. My roommate has been wanting to hear it, but I don't feel comfortable sharing it just yet.

 I've been playing it back on recorder studying it. And I'm pretty happy with it. With lowering the voice I don't think the tone is much deeper but more forceful and amplified. I also notice that the faster I talk, the higher it gets. And my laugh, just sound female so I have tried not to laugh much. I really am glad the male hormones didn't affect my voice. 

A dandy day

By Kitrah,

The end of another week. Not too bad. My therapist and I have been working on the gender issue. I feel depressed this week. It's true what they say. When you are seen a certain way long enough, it's hard for others to adjust. What do people think transgender is? Do they think everyone starts out looking as a perfect 10 woman? No, it takes work and not just surgery. I don't think it's an issue that is solved by just taking some hormone pills.

 I don't think people really put the time into understanding it because it doesn't concern the majority of the population. It's caused me to reevaluate a lot of things for myself. 

Like where do I fit into society? Are my political and religious beliefs I've grown up with still serving me? How have I changed? Where do I see this all going? 

My therapist is awesome. She always leaves me with things to think about. Which in turn allows me the ability to grow and make better decisions. To keep moving forward even if it is slow and not to everyone else's expectations. 

I am starting to form goals and work towards things and I want to make the right decisions to bring everything together and do things right. I feel like I've reached this point where I've stopped looking back all the time and started to look at what I can accomplish. 

I've stopped giving people who don't deserve my attention power over me. I also feel like I'm starting to view my trans issue as not so much of a deal and something I don't need to share with random people on the net.

I don't want to have a horrible life. I don't want to feel worthless and broken. Taking the steps to fix the problem and addressing my own shortcomings so I can change is not easy. Do I see progress? Absolutely. 

I look at where I was, where I am now, and where I plan to be. I had always viewed people who go to therapy as lunatics and crazies. The reality is, that if you don't take the help, you will end y being crazy And that's not what I want.

Ive realized a lot of things since then. My own shortcomings and realizations. As well as the reality, that I'm just not going to be able to please everyone. So I'm doing the best I can with this life. Working towards the life I want. I guess that probably a bit much because it's not just a trans issue. It's a human issue. No one wants to feel broken. Sometimes I think that progress is made through removal of things from life, not from adding things. 

I used to listen to these audios on audible by Craig Beck. He is one of my favorite to listen to because hes entertaining to listen to. He would say, "a cup is useful because it's empty" or something along those lines. I think I'll listen to that later today. 

So, more of the good things. 

 

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