Kitrah

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About this blog

Personal Trans-formation. My journey into the world of gender, role, and the feminine aspect. 

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Transforming

By Kitrah,

My next plan going be to change the name legally and i send off for paperwork to get that all in order. my birth state is one lucky one where they will correct the sex marker with letter from doctor so that going be taken care of easier than i thinking. I want get everthing done in order so i will have sex marker changed and then file for the name change and then get driver license again. My plan for next year will be just finish SRS since it is covered under my health insurance so far. I hope there won't be problem in US with the senate that going make this harder for me accomplishing.

I start to attend a local group meeting for other transgender that have been helpful just to see other who going through same situation. That something that you can't get online, a sense of community so i have thankful to get meet some new people. Some people I have ran into lately have had no problem with use right pronouns and name. I love when that happens but then there are the few who want to remain a challenge and talk about things in a negative light. I choose more to be around those who making me feel good instead of those who just make me terrible.

Dressing correct still pose challenge, it just difficult and i not used to it or the reactions. i buyed a few more dresses and blouse that i been trying to mix in. All this things really do matter. I think what i find interesting about the gender idenity is that the more i going with and choose to be who i really am, the harder it is to try to be who im not and the happier i am overall. coming from position where i never would have believe this would make me happy, it take a lot of courage and self examine to real know who i am and let go of the delusion of what i wish i am. i think that an important thing to unerstand that with transgender who is buried in the false indenity it is impossible to be happy because you are not being who you really are, but what you think others want you to be or for me, the easy route that going be most socially acceptable.

So that why it take a lot of courage to be youself and keep your head up. Each day seem present all this challenges, but the hormones have lit my life up with purpose and genuinely more happy than ive ever been. being able see a positive outcome out of all this makes each day better. and wear makeup actually fun. i dont have to pretend i dont like things i really do like anymore and that make all the difference. hope everone have a great day! 

 

I choose well when i take the butterfly symbol. It mean a lot more now than when I chose it. I think other animals that change. It's not so strange. tadpole to frog. caterpillar to butterfly, clams to. Going through the process is probably most difficult thing I have complete in my life so far. I been looking to future now and what I want my work to be. I think that it is hard to focus on anything when the anxiety and depression is so severe you cant function. my first thinking was something bad going happen soon because i feel great now. all the pieces making sense and i understand myself on many levels. When I realize the truth i wasnt afraid because i dont want to live another 20 year in denial. I think that more painful. 

Physical changes happen lately. big thing was confidence. i worry a lot what people thinking. the hormones definitely help me in way i dont expect. it really make me comfortable which i didnt think i could be. that was ainteresting response that i wasn't expect. other thing change my eating habits to eating smaller amounts and thinking perception different. i also working on going vegan. i quit smoking. so all this good things that i need in my life to flourish. now i can focus on my artwork. you can see what i working on at

http://seraphconstant.deviantart.com

 

Image credits

 

http://maxpixel.freegreatpicture.com/Monarch-Butterfly-Flower-Monarch-Butterfly-Insect-2336179

https://pixabay.com/en/track-butterflies-metamorphosis-1528364/

 

 

Monarch-Butterfly-Flower-Monarch-Butterfly-Insect-2336179.jpg

track-1528364_1920.jpg

the best

By Kitrah,

Hi everyone.

I decided to drop offline for awhile until i got everything straightened out. I started hormones finally and it resolving a lot of issues and things are a lot better. I've been out with some friends and really everyone's been pretty cool so far about everything with the occasional odd glance. There was many times I wanted to just give up on all of this because I was listening to the wrong people. 

Starting to switch my wardrobe now. started wearing makeup now. So that my update. i hope everone is doing ok :)

 

Kitrah

Updates

By Kitrah,

Updates.

I have some positives since my absence. I think my therapy had been coming along nicely. I've been becoming a lot more comfortable with being transgender and a lot less intimidated by what people are thinking. At times, I feel like I've given too much of myself away and the rest I have just locked away. I've been trying to find a way to reintegrate myself into society. I've met a handful of people who have been helpful, most are not. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop at times, trying to find the one key that's going to open the door to the good life. 

In some ways I feel betrayed by life, like I don't want to be this. No matter how I view it, I feel like I am going to always be viewed as less. Thinking on these things just leads me to darker places. 

My therapist has been suggesting to me to attend at least one transgender event so I can connect on some physical level with others who are going through this. I've been considering it a lot. 

I've started switching my wardrobe around, wearing makeup at home, focusing more on who I want to be. I feel going slow through this has allowed me to better experience this in a positive way. Knowing that this will be completed at some point is my light. Theres also the whole what do I want to do then? I have a few ideas in mind but the best so far aside from my hobbies is to help other people get where they need to go. A possibility would be social work. 

Not just looks.

By Kitrah,

I had another talk with my roommate so we are on the same page. She was asking me if I was planning on doing the surgery. So I said, "Why wouldn't I? I've been lied to my whole life about this." She went off on a tangent and said something along the lines of, "So you're really doing this because you feel you have to." My response was, "No. I'm doing this so I can be made whole." To someone who doesn't have to deal with the issues of being transgender, there's this assumption that it's all mental. In my case, it is also physical. And in my own head, it's spiritual as well. I want things to match up for once. 

I've been putting a lot of time into working on my voice and started working with that upper register. It does take some time to switch between the two but I have no problem using my natural voice. I just feel like I've held it inside for so long that hearing it shocked me. My roommate has been wanting to hear it, but I don't feel comfortable sharing it just yet.

 I've been playing it back on recorder studying it. And I'm pretty happy with it. With lowering the voice I don't think the tone is much deeper but more forceful and amplified. I also notice that the faster I talk, the higher it gets. And my laugh, just sound female so I have tried not to laugh much. I really am glad the male hormones didn't affect my voice. 

A dandy day

By Kitrah,

The end of another week. Not too bad. My therapist and I have been working on the gender issue. I feel depressed this week. It's true what they say. When you are seen a certain way long enough, it's hard for others to adjust. What do people think transgender is? Do they think everyone starts out looking as a perfect 10 woman? No, it takes work and not just surgery. I don't think it's an issue that is solved by just taking some hormone pills.

 I don't think people really put the time into understanding it because it doesn't concern the majority of the population. It's caused me to reevaluate a lot of things for myself. 

Like where do I fit into society? Are my political and religious beliefs I've grown up with still serving me? How have I changed? Where do I see this all going? 

My therapist is awesome. She always leaves me with things to think about. Which in turn allows me the ability to grow and make better decisions. To keep moving forward even if it is slow and not to everyone else's expectations. 

I am starting to form goals and work towards things and I want to make the right decisions to bring everything together and do things right. I feel like I've reached this point where I've stopped looking back all the time and started to look at what I can accomplish. 

I've stopped giving people who don't deserve my attention power over me. I also feel like I'm starting to view my trans issue as not so much of a deal and something I don't need to share with random people on the net.

I don't want to have a horrible life. I don't want to feel worthless and broken. Taking the steps to fix the problem and addressing my own shortcomings so I can change is not easy. Do I see progress? Absolutely. 

I look at where I was, where I am now, and where I plan to be. I had always viewed people who go to therapy as lunatics and crazies. The reality is, that if you don't take the help, you will end y being crazy And that's not what I want.

Ive realized a lot of things since then. My own shortcomings and realizations. As well as the reality, that I'm just not going to be able to please everyone. So I'm doing the best I can with this life. Working towards the life I want. I guess that probably a bit much because it's not just a trans issue. It's a human issue. No one wants to feel broken. Sometimes I think that progress is made through removal of things from life, not from adding things. 

I used to listen to these audios on audible by Craig Beck. He is one of my favorite to listen to because hes entertaining to listen to. He would say, "a cup is useful because it's empty" or something along those lines. I think I'll listen to that later today. 

So, more of the good things. 

 

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