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It has been about a month on hormones, all-in-all things have been going well, better. The meds have had a calming and emotionally stabilizing affect on me. However, self-doubts have crept in. It was particularly difficult this past weekend. Where I feel like I am throwing my life away, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts. And I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason why I am where I am. Things don't happen for an accident. I've been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and have been dealing with this my whole life.

I was invited to a ladies bible study with mostly transwomen, but have been unable to make it so far due to things that have come up. I hope to make it June 29th, the next time they meet.

My wife is still having trouble talking about transition and I still need to talk with my kids. I will most likely say something to them when I travel with them for a week to my mom's this summer.




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Self doubts are best done prior to surgery as we all know that surgery is irreversible and once you have signed that document that you acknowledge this there is no turning back but one can turn back if there is hesitation, I can not speak about self doubt or hesitation because it was not in me but we all know all full well that like you there are many who have doubts, forge ahead and have regrets.

In some ways I see post surgery to some like how a cisgender female can nose dive into a depressive state after child-birth and this can happen to us too. So the doubts and hesitation are caution signs on the road of life to heed and heed well.

I so wish the very best for you and make the right decision but as I have said in the past get into a secluded place and talk about your path and were it leads along with the rest of your life in all aspects even down to what if you come away from surgery with no sexual feelings down below, losing male privileges or the mental anguish, losing a marriage or children that may come from transitioning but at the same time the reverse, the wonders of being female in all aspects once you have fully embraced your new gender and be fortunate to keep your marriage and childern. 

Edited by KarenPayne
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What I think is happening is, Testosterone was the "drug" that motivated me. It caused me to be hypermotivated, over-anxious, over-aggressive. Now that I have been on HRT for a couple of months, there is peace inside of me. I can see things really clearly. But I am more emotional. Things tend to overwhelm me a little more or feel more daunting. And there is anxiety, but for different reasons.  The feelings and fear that I am having is losing everything. Though, the periods are brief, I have them every couple of days or so after I wake up in the middle of the night. I mentioned this to my therapist. I definitely feel more vulnerable, even though, nothing has really changed. Other than starting HRT a couple of months ago.

That being said, I feel much better on Estrogen. I have more focus now than I've ever had in my whole life. I am much more calm. I didn't realize, yet I suspected, how bad the Testosterone in my body really was.

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