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Meltdown

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I took some time off of work. It was wonderful. 11 days off. Spent a lot of time with my family and my children. So as with everything, it is just a fleeting moment, a "snapshot in time". I had to go back to work and my wife took the kids to her parents to FL to visit.

Right off the bat, I MISS ALL OF THEM!! They left Sat morning, but I found myself in full meltdown mode on Sunday night. And I found myself seriously questioning transition. I cannot remember the last time I called "home" in tears. Nothing is stronger than the human bond.

Anyways, I mentioned in previous blog posts that I've had these minor panics in the middle of the night. Mostly based on transition.

I called my mom last night, because I knew that I needed it. She and I had the most frank conversation about being trans*, what it means, how "I feel". She still does not understand, but is very supportive, which I am so thankful for.

Anyways, I told her that she, my sister and my family (my wife, kids and silly dog) are the most important people in my life. That when I started to take Estradiol, I started to think more clearly than I have for many, many years. And that I wish I wasn't this way, was having second thoughts of transition and that the death of my dad may have something to do with a lot of what I've been going through over the last 9 months. There are other things like losing my business of 8 years, working in DC and having to deal with a terrible commute and the stress of the job.

Anyways, she encouraged me to talk with my wife and to think about what I want to do. I told her that my desire to transition was extremely strong, until HRT but that a cloud was lifted when I started HRT and that the Testosterone was causing me to be super aggressive and driven to transition, was gone. Make no mistake. I have been TG my whole life, but this is an adjustment not having T in my system.

So, what I told her was that in a perfect world, I would have transitioned when I was child, but that did not happen. Instead, I learned to be male. Being male, versus female, has been such a big part of my life that it has screwed me up. I have learned to socialize as male versus female. This is a huge uphill climb for me.

Anyways, there is a saying that, "getting old is not for sissies". Neither is transition. I will find my way at some point.

On an up note, I talked to my mom about moving closer to me. She asked me if that is what I wanted and I said absolutely yes! Anyways, my hope is that by the end of next year, we can make it happen. She is one source of my panic. I am afraid of losing her and my sister. So I am hoping that the both of them will be able to move down.

Sorry for the fatalistic, crazy diva dump, which is what I've felt like recently. This is hard stuff, it can be situational and very different for everyone. I am just thankful for my family and for the support that I've received here.

I love you all and thank you for your love and support.

Love and Blessings,

Lisa


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Posted

Lisa, you should never have to be sorry here for as you call it a diva dump as this is one place to do it. Having listening to many on the path to transitioning you are no different then the majority out there so feel good about that whether you question yourself or not as this is better now than later so do the questioning now. As I have told others get to a calming quite place and be true to yourself, that is going through your mind asking questions and also writing them down, why I should transition and why I should not transition and always be truthful.

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Posted

Hi Lisa,

As Karen has said questioning yourself is pretty normal, and in the middle of the night, how similar to my experience, I used to worry and question myself with "What the hell are you doing?", only it gets less and less as time has passed. Now, I don't worry anymore about gender I'm just Eve, me and myself (and as Veronica has said so acurately you are a singularity, oh and do not confuse or associate that with being a freak ,as so many ignorant morons do so glibly). I didn't worry about being male much before I transitioned, I'd had years of practice being male, but I just wanted to be female LoL. Similarly after a bit of practice being (or perhaps appearing might be a better term) female I don't worry about it anymore.

I hope that this helps you,

Cheers,

Eve

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Thank you all for the feedback. I feel much better. I found myself doubting myself again today, but it was very fleeting. It typically is fleeting. I think that a lot of it is triggered by the unknown.

This will take me time to get used to. Right now my breasts are sore and growing like gangbusters. Lots of changes, mentally and physically. Just trying to take it in stride. What I most like about all of this, is my personality. I am so much more of a humble person now and laid back. Other than those crazy moments, I am the opposite of a drama queen. Very even keeled. Not having the T in my system has overall lowered my anxiety, aggressive behavior. I've always been a gentle person and soul, but I am much more calm and understanding. I really like that! It just suits my personality and I feel like I belong to the human race for the first time in my life.

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