I took some time off of work. It was wonderful. 11 days off. Spent a lot of time with my family and my children. So as with everything, it is just a fleeting moment, a "snapshot in time". I had to go back to work and my wife took the kids to her parents to FL to visit.
Right off the bat, I MISS ALL OF THEM!! They left Sat morning, but I found myself in full meltdown mode on Sunday night. And I found myself seriously questioning transition. I cannot remember the last time I called "home" in tears. Nothing is stronger than the human bond.
Anyways, I mentioned in previous blog posts that I've had these minor panics in the middle of the night. Mostly based on transition.
I called my mom last night, because I knew that I needed it. She and I had the most frank conversation about being trans*, what it means, how "I feel". She still does not understand, but is very supportive, which I am so thankful for.
Anyways, I told her that she, my sister and my family (my wife, kids and silly dog) are the most important people in my life. That when I started to take Estradiol, I started to think more clearly than I have for many, many years. And that I wish I wasn't this way, was having second thoughts of transition and that the death of my dad may have something to do with a lot of what I've been going through over the last 9 months. There are other things like losing my business of 8 years, working in DC and having to deal with a terrible commute and the stress of the job.
Anyways, she encouraged me to talk with my wife and to think about what I want to do. I told her that my desire to transition was extremely strong, until HRT but that a cloud was lifted when I started HRT and that the Testosterone was causing me to be super aggressive and driven to transition, was gone. Make no mistake. I have been TG my whole life, but this is an adjustment not having T in my system.
So, what I told her was that in a perfect world, I would have transitioned when I was child, but that did not happen. Instead, I learned to be male. Being male, versus female, has been such a big part of my life that it has screwed me up. I have learned to socialize as male versus female. This is a huge uphill climb for me.
Anyways, there is a saying that, "getting old is not for sissies". Neither is transition. I will find my way at some point.
On an up note, I talked to my mom about moving closer to me. She asked me if that is what I wanted and I said absolutely yes! Anyways, my hope is that by the end of next year, we can make it happen. She is one source of my panic. I am afraid of losing her and my sister. So I am hoping that the both of them will be able to move down.
Sorry for the fatalistic, crazy diva dump, which is what I've felt like recently. This is hard stuff, it can be situational and very different for everyone. I am just thankful for my family and for the support that I've received here.
I love you all and thank you for your love and support.
Love and Blessings,