On my last visit to the doctor I had my first experience of someone laughing at me in public as a transwoman. I am reasonably sure the laughing was about me but I chose not to look as I passed by the two young men. I felt like I was a little kid again, first day of school where someone made fun of what I was wearing. Following the laughter was some real faint whispering, when the men began to chat more about what they just saw. (what is ironic is that the two men whispering sounded like what you would expect from some little girls, not boys) I mentioned the experience to my doctor and she asked me how I handled it. I thought for a moment and came up with what I thought to be a pretty good plan of attack to this issue in my life. She liked my response and said that it would be good for me to write it down. I hope this thought process can also help someone else.
For that one moment in time that someone may laugh or discriminate against you is it worth suffering a lifetime in the wrong body by not transitioning, just to avoid those little moments? After all, those little moments will pass again and again. Then you will be left with all of the rest of the time that you must live with yourself. So why not ignore the little moments and decide to be happy in the big moments of life; the moments that go on and on and have you in it. The moments when you really live life in your work, in relationships and personal time.
Right now it seems like the little moments are big moments, but they are not. The real bad comments or looks are all passing moments usually from strangers. The little moments can turn into big bad moments if I let these things bother me and ponder them for hours or days. For every moment like that where I move on quickly, I become a stronger person. I learn that what matters most in my life is how I feel about myself (am I at peace with myself?)and my ability to live life to the fullest despite the challenges.
I look forward to the day that I can look back and say I did it! I also look forward to each new day as I wish to try to enjoy the journey to womanhood to the best of my ability. As of now I am more like a little girl learning a new way of life and slightly different method of relating to people than I am used to and I should enjoy all of these moments as realistically as possible as I didn't exactly get to live them out earlier in my life.
So in Summary... I am the one who lives with myself all of the time, my relationship with everyone else and the majority of my experiences with these people are only small moments in time. Which part in time do I want to enjoy the little moments that pass, or the big moments that can even give birth to smaller little moments that really matter?
I choose life, my life, my way, my happiness.