This phase I'm in, unsure exactly of whether or not I'm transgender and what I'm going to do, has been a dreary limbo over the past couple weeks.
What I've come to face is the choices that need to be made in order to move forward. I have to choose whether to heed this inclination towards being a woman, heal the conflict in my head and take the step to transition. My other option is to continue shouldering the burden for the sake of my wife and children.
At my most optimistic, I thought I could have it all. I thought maybe, if it came to it, I could transition and keep my marriage. That does not seem likely. Right now, I want to keep my marriage. My wife is my soul mate; we are meant to be together, I know this. Making the transition jeopardizes that life. A Pyrrhic victory is NOT an option. I refuse to pursue a new life at the cost of the current one. That would buy a hollow sort of happiness. But what if can't resist the urge any longer?
A much more crucial decision lies with my wife. I've lived with the dichotomy in my head for more than three decades now. I'm used to the turmoil, even at its worst. I've learned to deal, to hide, to find ways around it. For her, this is pretty new. After what she has learned, the choice my wife now faces pretty much involves how much she is willing to accept or concede about me. As it stands, I can do nothing. She isn't ready to see me cross-dress, call me by another name, or be married to another woman. The idea is repugnant to her. Her other option is to let me deal with being transgender silently. But to do so means knowing how much I would suffer and how that could affect our marriage. I know she is very afraid I will come to resent her the more I struggle with this situation.
We both have a considerable amount of soul-searching to undergo. I hope a satisfactory resolution can be found. As I said, I am not willing to sacrifice my family over this. Now my resolve is about to be put to the test.
Thanks for reading