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In the Land of Confusion, Despair Is King

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In these blogs I find I keep describing my situation as being lost in a limbo of gray fog. It's the best analogy I can adopt to explain the ongoing confusion in my head.

Inside this fog springs worries about whether I could even BE a woman. I'm rather new to the TG community. I've learned a lot in the past couple weeks, but there is still so much to know. One thing I'd like to know is just how difficult it is for TG men to become women. I know it is a very difficult road to take, but at this moment I'm still questioning whether I really am a woman inside. I watch women and girls on TV, at the store, everywhere, and I look at what separates them from me (beyond just the biological).

I'm not particularly social or very emotional now. I believe I had some emotional problems growing up, but I can't say for certain what the source of that was. I've never been particularily fashionable or really into fashion (especially shoes). And I've never been much of a home maker, I don't really get into gardening or outdoor projects and I couldn't pick out a design pattern to save my life. I recognize these are a few superficial and general descriptions of female activity, but I can't help the way I feel. I wonder if I could fit into those niches should I ever transition.

I assume, from how they are described, that therapy and hormone replacement help unravel years of living as a male to uncover the true female living repressed in my mind. But do they really? I just won't know until it happens, if it happens. Have other men had to shed the accumulated years and experience of their masculininty in order to find their feminine selves? Or were they innately able to make the change?

These feel to me like I'm asking basic questions that all TG individuals already know. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe we're all in the same boat. But like I said, I'm floundering in some thick haze. There are a couple of beacons of light leading me through it. One is my wife, the other, actually is this site. I'll keep following them both to see where they lead. Hopefully, the outcome is positive.

Thanks for reading

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I think it is helpful to think of gender identity as a continuum with extremely male and extremely female on each end. Most of us find that we fit in somewhere in between. Dr Cerise Richards spoke about the transgender continuum during her keynote speech at the 2010 Fantasia Fair: http://web.me.com/ceriserichards/TRANSGENDER_CONTINUUM/FANTASIA_FAIR_KEYNOTE.html

We're all unique and have to determine where we fit in on the transgender continuum. An experienced therapist can help with this.

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