"Somedays aren't yours at all. They come and go as if they're someone else's days. They come and leave you behind someone else's face." -Regina Spektor
9 months ago, I began exploring my gender on a public scale. I'd always been interested in it, and had explored it, but for a combination of factors, never explored it publicly. Long story short, I went to a GenderFuK back in March and since then have embraced that there is another side to me, and that it's ok to let it out. I did some writing on it a while back. Recently, I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago at a Halloween party and he asked a lot about this side of me, stating that I'd never formally come out as being genderfluid. Since that first GenderFuk party, I've been slowly revamping my image. I figured it'd take people a while to get used to this idea that I'm not a boy sometimes. I go out regularly to events as a girl. At least half of my male pictures on here are "friends only", even my twitter is a blend of both m and f. I'm not transexual. I'm not in a period of permanent transition. While I'd like to start hormones I think to call myself transexual would disrespect those who have put in the time and effort of transitioning. Sure, I fall under the trans umbrella. Right now, I live between the lines. I'm genderfluid and this is who I am.
Sentimental Boy is my nom de plume" -Panic! At the Disco
Even through this period of change I've put it out there, that no matter what, I'm still me. Despite what I look like, I'm still the same person. While it's new to you, this honestly isn't new to me. If you look at my pictures and go down to the pictures I put up when I joined fetlife there are pictures of me doing the rubberdoll/femme thing from 2007. I was always afraid of being judged, not look good enough, that nobody around Colorado really wore hoods, or that I'd be put into this box that is called "sissy" when I've tried to portray my femme self as strong, confident, and a role model. Not some societal stereotype of what a female is "supposed to be". There is no definition of what it means to be a girl, there isn't one body type, or way to act. That's not me. I don't "get off" on this like many "sissies" do. Gender is not the same as sexuality. For example, assuming that all transgendered people like men sexually is no different than assuming the only people who are attracted to women sexually are men. In the real world, thing aren't so black and white.
The more I delve into this world, the more I see things that bug me. It takes a strong person to walk out of the house as a "chosen" gender as opposed to a "birth" gender. You see things more and more that you take for granted as a cisgender individual. I've been asked if this is one big act of trolling. I'm not doing this to mess with people. It's not for attention. It's not! If I was trolling why would I for the sake of being myself, open myself up to discrimination? At parties, or out and about around people I don't know, sometimes I become an introvert. I get quiet and feel like if I look like a girl, but open my mouth and sound like a boy that I'm somehow outing myself and going to be judged.
I remember coming home from the Spanktrum Halloween party last month. I wore my Snow White outfit out for the first time that night. It was a good party. I came back to my apartment at 2am. We parked to drop me off at the door and there was a group of guys outside. My heels were a little big, and when I got out of the car I stumbled a bit, before saying f it and taking them off. It was 2 am, I didn't care what people thought of me. I opened the gate to my complex and suddenly the group began following me giggling. They got in the elevator with me snickering. We all rode up in complete silence. All I could think was that these people were going to follow me to where I live, I felt threatened and afraid that I was going to get my ass kicked for just being myself. Eventually they got off the elevator on the third floor when I lived on the fourth. As they left and my elevator I could hear laughing. That's something nobody should have to deal with. I don't care who you are. Nobody should be afraid or feel threatened for just being themselves. I don't care who you are, it's not acceptable. I get that these were vanilla people and I was no longer in the safe space of the party, but the point is vanilla or kinky you should educate yourself that transphobia isn't cool. You should never spread hate to somebody for just being themselves, and being brave enough to show the world who they are. It's definitely not something to joke at.
"High heels in her hands, swayin' in the wind while she starts to cry, mascara runnin' down her little Bambi eyes" -Lana Del Ray
I was at a different party a few weeks later in the same outfit at a friends house. It had a white skirt liner, and when I got up from a chair a friend said, not knowing what it was, "there's something hanging from your dress." At that moment another party goer standing nearby said, "yeah probably his dick." Seriously, what makes anyone think that's right so say things like that? Is there no filter in the brain that says, "this may be really hurtful." I put in so much effort to go out. I have spent hours learning to do make up. When I hear things like, "wow, you're pretty passable." I get that it's supposed to be a compliment, but there's no definition of what being a woman is. The idea of passable doesn't exist. You make it sound like I'm Loki trying to put on a dress and trick the masses. To me, calling somebody "passable" implies that one must pass by societies standards otherwise they fail as a person. It's an offensive cis word. Being seen and accepted as yourself is not "passability". It is acceptance. It is people actually being decent to you
"I don't want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel. The world is just illusion always trying to change you." -VNV Nation
Honestly, some days I love who I am as a guy. It's awesome. Some days I don't feel like a boy very much at all regardless of how I'm dressed. It gets confusing trying to walk both lines. You get frustrated, depressed, anxious. I try my best to just show the world who I am. There's been an out pour of support over the last few months. People within my circle of friends seem to embrace who I am, and appreciate it. People I didn't expect to have my back have had my back. Words can't sum up how much I appreciate each and every one of you. This exploration has burned a few bridges with people, and I know that I can't please everyone. That's life, and I accept that.
When you see me out and about, I get asked all the time what I want to be referred to as. What do we introduce you as? If you want to get specific, when I'm out and about as a woman you can call me Britney. I have been for a while. Some of you reading this have used this name regularly at this point. I do ask that out of respect for the use of female pronouns. I put all this effort into getting dressed up for events whether it's in latex, hoods, dresses, or everyday girl clothes. I use the women's restroom. I try and present myself socially more femme. It's the least you can do. To do the opposite almost invalidates all of the work I've put in for myself. If the person standing in front of you looks like a woman or is trying to look like a woman, address that person as a woman. If the person looks like a man, then consider that person a man. Worst case scenario, if you see me out and have questions, ask.
"Ask me, ask me, ask me, If it's not love than it's the bomb that will bring us together." -The Smiths
This is who I am. My name is Brian. This is the name I was born with. My name is Britney. This is the name I've chosen. I am the same person I've always been no matter the name. I'm multifaceted. Kinky, movie addicted, karaoke enthusiast, model, porn star, friend, human. I'm not some box you can put me in. This is who I am.
"When it comes to being true, atleast true to me, one thing I found is that I'll never let me down." -Kanye West