In all honesty, I've never considered him anything except ___________ (his name). I've never even thought of him with female pronouns, or female at all. He is so very masculine. I love him very much. I love him enough to live in the closet but I find the resentment growing. I try not to dwell on it so it doesn't continue to grow but some days are more difficult than others.
I have been an out and proud lesbian for well over a decade. I was set up with my now husband on a blind date that described him as female with facial hair. I literally stumbled when we were introduced because he was clearly male. After hearing him out, I decided that this person was kind and gentle with awesome intentions and a huge heart. We began to see one another as friends, eventually developed a relationship and 4 years later, legally wed. He had already been on testosterone therapy almost a decade when I met him. That said, he is very male appearing. I love him, I truly do. He is in his early 50s, pre-op and has plans on top surgery but perfectly happy with everything else.
We've moved out of state in order to allow him to live his life without the whispers of those in our small city and family that knows. New friends, co-workers and acquaintances would never believe he is FTM if they were given medical proof. We've been together almost 6 years and married for 2 of those. We both have our quirks but we love one another very much. As the years go on, it becomes more difficult for me to deal with my sexuality. I had been a very proud, active lesbian for over a decade before meeting him. Now he requires that I not be so out with who I am for fear of exposing his secret. We've tried to compromise but there really isn't one. People ask questions either way and when he's asked, he will out right lie about me saying that I support gay people and that's why I have Pride symbols or "She just loves rainbows". He doesn't see himself as a part of the LGBT community at all and would never be seen at a function or gay club and encourages me not to attend either. I try to explain to him what the T is for in LGBT but he won't hear it.
I'd like to be who I've always been but protect his secret but then there are those that ask how can I be gay but married to a man. They assume I'm bisexual. I know we shouldn't care what people think and in a perfect world, we wouldn't BUT that's not the world we live in. To go from a very active, proud lesbian to a heterosexual, married woman is hard. I feel stuffed in a closet that I was never in. I find myself with growing resentment. I don't want to lose my marriage but I don't want to lose myself either.