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About RachealDenae

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  • Birthday 05/15/1963

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    Cooking, Horses, Cattle,
    woodworking, Outdoors and to many more to mention
  1. RachealDenae

    Are we tough or Pathetically weak

    Hello all, Although I am new to this blogging thing and not much better with computers theres something I would love to get some kind of feed back on so if I make mistakes please bear with me. First off, im a MTF Transwoman and darn proud of it. But where im heading with this is , Im setting here with tears in my eyes over another story of loss in the transgender community. There was a woman who told the story of loosing her trans-son/daughter,:" out of respect for the deceased im going to refer to her, the woman she wanted to be as her or she." The mothers plea was to anyone who has a child of indifferene, or even a friend, hear them out without judgement or ridicule. In the last letter left behind by her daughter, the daughter felt she had no where to turn , that her own family were the worst critics. The mother went on to say that where they live there are two suicide support groups but both were for teens, and that her daughter felt because of her age (48 at time of death) that a teen support group would be of little help. Personal note here: as for myself, in my younger years I not only though about suicide on several attempts I failed at my attempts just to make the pain and humiliation go away. Not necessarily a bad thing to fail at. By younger years I mean in my early 30s. And at that point in my life I saw all the teen prevention signs and because of my age there was no way I would have ever approached one,at that age were supposed to be the adults and have it all together.And until I kinda learned to navigate-- OK do a good job of getting lost and confused - a computer I had no idea of what is available out there, and this ha only been in the last 3 years. This mother lost her daughter, and for many others the possibility of a good friend. This settles dear to my heart because I can heavily relate to the thoughts and feelings of her daughter feeling trapped, confused, unliked esspecialy by the ones we love the most, we are taught and programed from birth to stand behind our familys and theyre supposed to stand behind us. My pondering question is are we to believe we are these strong, tough people because of who we are and that we are willing to stand up for ourselves, or are we weak individuals who hide behind a mask of morality in some cases or immorality In others. Only in the end to hide behind our doors just to be ourselves where no one can see us, or announce ourselves in public awaiting persecution by those who in most cases are afraid of who we are? As slow as I type I didn't tell the mothers whole story, But it did not have a happy ending, her daughter-------was the mothers only child
  2. Hello all, I am one who has never been to comfortable with a computer, more of the hands on type without finess. so for me to get on one of these web sites is a little spooky. A little about me, in my younger years I always knew I was different but growing up in a strong german family with little tolerance for indifference was absolutely not tolerated. I tried to tell my parents once but it was met with anger and punishment, so I learned to keep my mouth shut for years and hide who I was, not that I knew what made me different from the rest of the kids I knew, I only knew I wasn't supposed to be a boy. Because I was rather feminine in grade school being teased was not uncommon which only led to me doing what boys do, I started fighting to protect and defend myself. Little did I know I was only making it worse on myself. By the time I hit high school I was pretty withdrawn from everyone and just kept to myself but it didn't stop the teasing or the hazing. My issue certainly wasn't going away if anything it was getting worse and I still had no one to talk to about it, I finally moved in with my grandparents for a short time and found a kind of understanding with my grandmother, even though little was ever said somehow I felt she knew who I was and made me feel alright but not necessarily comfortable with the fact that by now I knew who I was. With a lot of research at a community library I began to understand more about myself, telling anyone was a bigger problem. My family were not only strong Germans but were very influential In the cattle industry, I have (by my own findings as living as one) found that Cattlemen and Cattlewomen,not to forget horsefolks seem to be the most prejudice unforgiving people I knew,and here I was smack dab in the middle of them. It wasn't all bad, over the years I have managed to make pretty fair living with cattle and horses. Ive even had the opportunity to ride as a cowboy on some of the biggest ranches acrost the united states, and hiding who I was the whole time to everyone around me except myself. Anyway, back to where I was, I get side tracked easily. After High school there was a little college, however within that time frame my grandmother whom I would give the world to confronted me with the grandbaby issue. She was very convincing, and there was a girl I did have some feelings for and as my grandmother convinced me of, it would make more of a man out of me, and as a husband and father maybe the hazing would stop. I was still very feminine . So I did the man thing for all the wrong reasons but the right outcome, even though sex was awkward we had four beautiful boys, It didn't last long and the marriage ended but the boys stayed with me, and I raised them to the best of my ability. There mother did not want them because they interfere with her finding her teenage self, and she is still trying today to be that teenager. Well I have rambled on enough for now need to get my work done, so I will finish this one sided chat later. Chow