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Chrissy

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Blog Entries posted by Chrissy

  1. Chrissy

    ...but this time...

    By Chrissy,

    This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues.
    I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience.
    The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating.  I don't like the idea of trying to just see it as a job, but that might be the only way.
    The other important piece that I came across recently involves performing  - and doing something that I feel passion about.  As some may know I have done some performing during a friend's drag show (earlier I would say that I was doing drag, but that isn't accurate anymore).  A couple of weeks ago I did this and after I was done thought I had decided that it was time to give it up.  The issue was that while I kind of enjoyed doing it, I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to it to warrant it (I don't sing, I can't dance...what else?).  But then last week I was at her show - not performing just to see it - she had another guest so at one point she says "I'm going to do one more song and then bring up my guest."  I had a strange feeling of excitement.  I knew it wasn't me, I wasn't performing, but I still for a second reacted like I was.  That's when I realized that I do still want to do it - I just have to find my angle.  So yesterday I signed up for a beginner's jazz dance class :-)
    Passion is definitely something that I'm missing, so I'm excited to pursue this possible venue!
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  2. Chrissy

    "Ghost Whisperer"

    By Chrissy,

    A month or so ago (hard to keep track of the passage of time these days) I found myself becoming addicted to "Ghost Whisperer."  I had seen bits of the show in passing in the past but it never caught my attention until now.  For those who don't know, it was a show from - well, sometime - with Jennifer Love Hewitt in which she could see ghosts of people who hadn't been able to "cross over."  She helps them resolve whatever it is that is keeping them "Earth-bound."  And regardless how neat and sappy the episode is, it never fails to get me to cry at the ending as the ghost "sees the light."
    I've never been a particular believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a strong believer in the ongoing work of the subconscious.  I believe that it's always vigilant and ready to tell you "you need this, you're ready for this."  I believe that's why my sudden addiction to this show.
    My parents passed away about 10 years ago, within about 3 months of each other, and both too young (my mother was 67, my father had just turned 69).  My life, which had been unraveling in slow and not-so-slow motion up until then, went into a full-on tail spin not long after that.  I don't want to go into those details, and I know there are many, many people who have had far worse experiences, but I'll suffice it to say here that my experiences were not run-of-the-mill problems.  I also spent a lot of that time blaming my parents, and not necessarily without cause.
    They made a decision when we were born (I have an older brother and sister) that they didn't want to do what their parents did, which was to push them towards or away from particular careers, basically pushing them in the direction they thought they should go.  But in doing so, my parents (I believe) went way too far in the other direction, failing to provide any sense of direction or encouragement to us.  As a result I failed to develop follow-through and beyond that a belief in myself and that I could accomplish things.
    Anyway, last night while I was doing my volunteer gig at a comedy theater there was a show going on that wasn't catching my interest, so I found myself going into my own head.  Perhaps a comedian had made a parent reference, but something got me to thinking about them.  And I realized (and this is where "Ghost Whisperer" comes into play) that I needed to forgive them, because until I did I wasn't going to be able to move on, at least as effectively as I can.
    And so I did.  Right, wrong, or otherwise I blamed them, and by doing that I was keeping myself focused on what they did wrong and the impact it had on me, rather than taking charge of my own life.  I think I got into "Ghost Whisperer" because my subconscious saw the show's structure and realized that I needed that, and I was ready for it.  It also might have some up because I was wearing my mother's high school ring.  And especially right now I need that, because I've started a journey here that requires (REQUIRES) me to believe in myself.  I find that when I feel any sense of "doubt" lately it's really fear, it's the fear that I will never be "passable," that people will always see a "man."
    So there you have it.  My review of "Ghost Whisperer" 
    xoxo
    Christie
    (P.S., for further evidence of my belief that it was time, "Christie" was my birth middle name, and it was my mother's maiden name)
     
     
     
     
  3. Chrissy
    Episode 2 was on last night, and since I wrote last week after watching the first episode (which I was generally happy with) I thought I'd continue.
    This week was quite interesting because she got together with a number of transwoman (sad that there were no transmen), all of whom had far more obstacles in the way of their transition than Caitlyn did.  While I liked that fact, I was still disappointed in the overall lack of diversity in the group.  In addition to the fact that there were no transmen, all of these women, while they had difficulties (to say the least) in transitioning, all have now successfully transitioned, and all of them appear very female ("passing" if you will).  I don't think there was one of them who, if I saw them on the street, I would think was a transwoman.
    I thought about that compared to the group I went to at the Lesbian/Gay Center here in the New York, which had far greater diversity (disclaimer - that group is also all transwomen, but only because transmen and transwomen have their own separate meetings).  The main diversity in this group is the extent to which people have transitioned.  In some cases (like me), it's a matter of time, in other cases people have gone as far as they want, or as far as they can, and in most cases would be "read" fairly easily on the street.  I don't say that in any way critically of anyone!  But obviously the experiences of the people in this group are far more diverse, particulary in the present context.
    It does look hopeful for next week though, when I think she is meeting with a transgender group in San Francisco who are less fortunate (and I think includes at least one transman).
    More troubling were her comments about social welfare.  It can be easy to forget that she is Republican, and obviously holds some of the pro-wealthy positions of the Republican Party.  Talking about not wanting people to start becoming dependent on the government!  That's on the oldest and most sickening lies of the Republican Party (think about Ronald Reagan's "welfar queen" crap).
  4. Chrissy
    I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not.  The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her).
    This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them!  This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from.
    On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-)   I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting.
    On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt).  The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it.  I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism.  There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives.  That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution.  Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown).
    They also had an interesting conversation about voices.  Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that.  Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there."  I really liked that comment.  And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says.
    Anyway - time to work now  :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
     
    Here's a picture from work today...

  5. Chrissy
    I got through day 1 of presenting fully as a woman at work yesterday, and carried it into today (in addition to the wig I'm also wearing a skirt today).  Now that I've crossed that threshold I don't intend to go back, so I now see yesterday as the official beginning of my "real life" experience (my "tranniversary" if you will).
    Today added a delightful complication, it was pouring rain and windy out.  My route to work includes walking to Journal Square (in Jersey City) and taking the PATH to World Trade Center, and then walking to work.  Journal Square was the real challenge, it's like a bunch of wind tunnels all coming together in one place, so the wind (and rain) comes from all directions at the sam time.  Happy to report that my wig stayed perfectly in place :-)   I can still work on securing it better, but I seem to have it down sufficiently now.  Also happy that I decided to commute in tennis shoes (I brought heels with me).  Walking in that weather in heels would have been quite the challenge (and I don't think most women do that, I think wearing other shoes for commuting is pretty common).
    The surprise yesterday was that at around lunchtime there were a large number of students in the cafeteria (my office is beyond the cafeteria, so I have to go through it to get anywhere).  School doesn't start until next week (for 1st year students, the following week for the rest), but apparently there was some pre-first week intensive program going on.  So I had an immersion experience.  I just kept reminding myself to "do what I need to do" - to not alter what I'm doing to avoid being seen, just go about my regular work day.
    The unpleasant surprise was the ongoing attention that a person who works at a parking garage along my commute is paying me.  As I become more female he seems more interested - I've been clear enough in my lack of interest, but he keeps approaching (mind you I don't walk right by the garage anymore, he's going out of his way).  If it happens again I might need to contact his bosses and let them know what's going on (if he's doing it to me he might be doing it to others).  Coincidentally a co-worker asked me yesterday if I might be interested in a self-defense course - she's involved with an anti-violence group that organizes classes).  I'll probably take her up on that (not that the parking garage guy seems very threatening, but he's seeming increasingly off-balance, which can be dangerous).
    xoxo
    Christie
  6. Chrissy

    "Transition"

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    So I wanted to throw this out for discussion - I've been thinking recently about the term "transition" as it relates to the trans community. For starters, I hope nothing that I say here will suggest that I think everyone needs to use the same terminology, particularly for their own experience and journey - it's our story, it's our terminology!
    But in a broader perspective, I have some concerns about the term "transition."  Transition is defined as "the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." Put simply, my fear of it's general use, with respect to trans-identified people, is that it perpetuates the narrative of being born X and "transitioning" to Y. In my view, I was NOT a man who transitioned to a woman, I was born a woman with some wrong parts. My "transition" therefore was essentially a medical correction along with a change in my personal presentation.
    And of course that does reflect a transition, so the word works. The problem is that there is an entrenched history of believing that we were born one gender and changed to the other - and I think that the term transition is linked to that narrative. Perhaps it's time to look for a new word, or stop using the word entirely? I think back over my process and wonder if I could have gone without it - in what circumstances did I need the word? For people who knew, I could say that yes, I'm getting some medical support to correct some things, and I'm working towards living my authentic self.
    The "trigger" in this case was discovering that my field placement location uses the initials "CGHT" (cross-gender hormone therapy) for HRT that is being prescribed to trans-identified clients. I'm working on that issue, but I realized the big problem I had with it is that it reaffirms that same narrative with staff who see and use that terminology - I DO NOT take "cross-gender" hormones.
    I am by no means sold on all of this, it's a thought I've been having and wanted to share and see what others in the community think 
    xoxo
    Chrissy 
  7. Chrissy

    "True Selves"

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,

    I heard about this book in several blogs and/or forums last week as I was catching up, and I immediately purchased it. I've gotten about a quarter of the way through it (I picked up the pace considerably when I decided to read it during my commute, which is when I do most of my reading).

    I just finished the section on childhood years and it's already had a substantial impact on my thinking. In terms of being transsexual I would probably say that I'm not, but as I read more I become less and less convinced of that. I'd still say probably not, but the book is definitely making me think more. There were just so many examples they discuss of how children respond to being transgender that resonated with me (if it had just been a couple it might have been coincidence, but it was more).

    So to anyone and everyone who mentioned the book - thank you!

    xoxo

    Christie
  8. Chrissy

    "Wonder Woman"

    By Chrissy,

    I cannot believe I haven't written about this yet!  Last Friday I saw "Wonder Woman," and it was truly amazing.
    There are things I could be critical of (the messaging in a few spots was a little heavy handed and the effects in a couple of areas a little cheesy), but overall I think it's a truly great movie (and I'm not really into superhero movies).
    I won't say much about the movie because I don't want to do any spoilers - but there were moments when I was moved to tears, and moments when I felt more like a woman than I ever had before. I don't know if I can explain what that second one is about, but it happened.
  9. Chrissy

    2 months...

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I've been less active here recently because of my new position at work - i actually have work to do   But I am  still trying to keep up with reading entries!
    It's been 2 months of living full-time as a woman, and about the same on hormones.  With the exception of being misgendered a couple of times it's been wonderful. Between this and my new job I don't think i've ever felt such contentment.
    I do wish my sister would come around, but fortunately i've come out to other family members who have all been very supportive!
    Next Monday (the 19th) my name officially changes, and my official gender (where I can change that). And when I see the endocrinologist again I plan to ask for referral (s) for a surgeon - if things continue as they are i'm hoping for top surgery next summer.
    I'm still working on the "what else do I want/need?", but making some progress.  I stopped the volunteer gig that I had at a comedy club as it was no longer contributing anything to my life, and next Wednesday I start a new trans group at the lesbian/gay center.
    I've donated most of my male clothing now (to ascnyc, an aids service group).
    I'll stop this stream of consciousness now and catch up on some of your entries
    xoxo
    Christie
  10. Chrissy

    3 Weeks on HRT

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I've now been on HRT for 3 weeks - I know the dosage started low, so my expectations of seeing "drastic" changes was set accordingly.  Having said that, these are the things I've observed (or think I've observed) so far:
    (1) Sex drive - this has definitely flat-lined at this point, and it's been the case for over a week now.  Attractions are still there, but desire to act on them is non-existent.  Masturbation has also gone away entirely (which frees up a good amount of time on the weekends!)  I'm sure this is just an adjustment and will come back, but it's the one impact I can say has definitely happened.
    (2) Skin - I'm less positive about this, but I think my skin may be smoothing out.  I first noticed this last weekend, I was sitting watching TV and randomly put my hand on my leg and it felt different, softer and smoother.  Now I also think it's happening on my arms
    (3) Voice - this one i'm almost positive isn't real, but I want to track everything - one of my supervisors said that she thinks my voice is sounding more feminine.  I did explain that as far as I know HRT shouldn't have any impact on my voice, but who knows.
    (4) Appetite - hard to be specific about this one, but I've noticed subtle changes in my appetite, both in terms of how much I eat (less) and what I eat (better)
    (5) Emotional state - this is subtle, but I think present.  I feel like I have now left behind the nagging (and depression inducing) question of "who am I?" or "who am I supposed to be?", and now my focus is on "what do I want to do?" and "how do I want to spend my time?" - questions that have always been present, but harder to address back when I was spending so much time and effort faking who I was.  It almost seems silly now to think that I could have known what I wanted from my life when I was trying to convince everyone (including me) that I was a gay man.
    xoxo
    Christie
  11. Chrissy

    318

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I've been a very bad TGGuide citizen, the new job has kept me much busier than the former!
    I had an appointment with my endocrinologist yesterday - my testosterone level is down to 318 now (from mid-400s last time) - so it's getting there!  He increased my estrogen prescription to 3mg/day, and said to go up to 4mg in a couple of months, then I'll see him again shortly after that :-)
    On the less medical side, I had 2 medical professionals (my endocrinologist and therapist) both say to me yesterday that I very definitely seem more comfortable with myself - that's exactly what my therapist said - the endocrinologist was a bit more wordy, he's a doctor, it's hard for them to get to the point :-)  And I very definitely feel that way!
    I've started to explore top surgery, hopefully to happen this summer (I'll have been on HRT for a full year in early August).  It helps a lot that our insurance provider confirmed that they are covering transition expenses now (in compliance with New York law), though they clearly haven't figured out what that means yet. I should get more detail in the next few days.
    xoxo
    Christie
  12. Chrissy
    Hi everyone,

    So I just recently discovered this site, and since my transition is still relatively new I thought a blog would be a good idea - to keep track of things for myself and see what others might have to offer

    I guess I'll use this entry for a little background. My transition began in earnest about a year and a half ago (it was sometime in the summer of 2013). I started with cross-dressing and discovered quickly that every time I took a step thinking it was for reason "A" it turned out it was really for reason "B." With cross-dressing, I thought I was doing it for sexual/fetish reasons, but very quickly realized that wasn't my reason at all. The first bit of evidence that I recall is that the first time I shopped for clothes (on Venus.com) I went in thinking I was looking for "hook-up" clothing - when my order arrived a few days later I found that I hadn't ordered anything like that at all - what I got was arguably cute and flirty, but not hook-up. So that called into question my reason for cross-dressing.

    Even then, it seemed like cross-dressing was just it's own thing - I started doing it at home, and then eventually got up the guts to get dressed at home and actually go out! But still, at that point when I was a boy I was a boy, when I was a girl, I was a girl. The first break in that was my JLo bag from Kohl's (my favorite brand/store combo!). I bought it for cross-dressing as I needed a bigger bag so that I could carry a change of shoes. But almost immediately I started using it every day, boy or girl. Not the boldest, most obvious "statement," but it was a start, it was the first item of clothing/accessory that I used either way.

    Now I'm at point where I'm "feminizing" as much as possible - but it's really my thought process that's become more important. I'm hung up a bit on the question of what this - what being transgender - means to me?

    More later - thanks for reading!!!!
  13. Chrissy

    A new week...

    By Chrissy,

    Good morning everyone!
    I spent some time this past weekend thinking about my "next steps."  I've exhausted (I think) most of the subtle steps that I can take, I get the feeling that whatever I do next in terms of transition will be quite noticeable, which prompted me to wonder how ready I am for that.  Wondering how ready I am made me then wonder whether it was fear holding me back a little (answer = yes).
    It helped a little (a lot) that I sat down at one point and wrote out a list of what I see as all of the steps that would happen if I transitioned fully (including hormones and surgery), that helped me see what things I can be doing now (working on my voice leapt to the fore).
    But then the fear.  What am I afraid of?  One possibility is the fear that this isn't really the right thing for me (that's a fear that pops up from time to time).  While that's a legitimate consideration, I also know that I fear the idea of continuing to live my life as a male.  And I know that the only way to address that fear is to continue moving forward.  If it's true that this isn't the right path for me that will eventually come through.
    More likely is that my fear is based on "looking silly."  More specifically that I'll look like a man dressing as a woman.  I've read much about the idea of "passing" and the pros and cons, and I fully understand and in principle agree with the idea that we shouldn't necessarily be going for that (that a "man" should be able to wear whatever they want), but for me, right now, I want people to accept me as a woman and so I consider it important that my appearance not contradict that.  It's probably enough for now if my "look" (hair, face, etc.) is androgynous, that at least wouldn't contradict how I'm dressed.  The problem with achieving that is that when I look in the mirror I just see me, I don't know if I can objectively tell if I look female, male, or androgynous.  I was told by a couple of people at work last week that I definitely look more female than I used to, so that's a good start.
    Fear is the other thing, and that won't really be resolved until I do go out in public dressed clearly female (but without the wig and full make-up that I've done when cross-dressing).  Over the past couple of years I went through a lengthy period when I found that if I kind of wanted to do something but it scared me, I had to do it (e.g., cross-dressing in public, taking an improv class, doing drag, taking a solo show class - which culminated in a 6-minute solo piece in front of an actual audience).  I look at that period now as my way of building up to overcoming this fear - in this case not something that I "kind of want" to do, but something I must do.
    With my wardrobe almost fully in place, and final exams at work ending this week, I'm now committed to dressing full-time as a woman starting next Monday (it will also happen most of this week).
    Thanks for listening  
    xoxo
    Christie
  14. Chrissy
    Good morning everyone,

    I've many times heard the suggestion about doing a random act of kindness for a stranger and this morning I learned from the recipient end what a wonderful suggestion it really is!

    I was on the PATH train coming in to work (I had amazingly gotten a seat!) and I was reading "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism." A few minutes in, the woman sitting next to me handed me a note, it read:

    "I saw title of your book. I think your courage to be who you want to be is amazing!!"

    I don't think I need to add anything to the story, needless to say my mood just soared. I thanked her (right then and then again as we were getting off the train), but it felt in sufficient.

    XOXO

    Christie

    (as a side note - I haven't experienced this particular opinion on this website at all, but this seems like an appropriate moment to again challenge the notion of New Yorkers being nasty - we're not, and we are even capable of incredible sweetness, even to strangers!)
  15. Chrissy

    Another step closer

    By Chrissy,

    I had my weekly therapy session today and she confirmed that she had faxed the needed letter to my surgeon to authorize my top surgery - yay!  In this case insurance doesn't actually require it, but the surgeon does - needed a letter from a therapist confirming gender dysphoria. I called and confirmed that they got it, and they did - tomorrow they'll be contacting the insurance company to start the pre-authorization process.
    It isn't happening until August, but I still was happy to see it moving forward 
  16. Chrissy
    Just some random thoughts as another week comes to an end and I get ready for a 4-day weekend (YAY!)
    I mentioned in an earlier post that this week I finally wore shoes (2 days) that are clearly women's.  This was also the first week that I've gone 100% in female clothing.  I'm still getting more "sirs" than I'd like, and someone yesterday commented on what I was wearing saying "I respect a man who can wear pink."  Those things all make me wonder "what more do I have to do!?!?"
    Well, that's my weekend project, figuring out what more I can do 
    I had my first electrolysis appointment yesterday.  It was 45 minutes (10-15 minutes of consultation first, then 45 minutes of actual electrolysis).  It hurt, but it wasn't as bad as i had feared, and she started with the upper lip which she said was the most painful part.  Going into it my fears were (1) if I could afford it (I will find a way!), (2) if it would hurt too much (I have 4 tattoos, this didn't feel as bad), and (3) that I had to let the hair grow a couple of days before the session - AHH!!!  (it's worth it for the long-term benefit).  What I noticed though was that there was no fear about whether or not I really wanted it.  It did scare me at the end when she said I can't wear make-up for the next week - I'm supposed to do drag on Tuesday, that might be a challenge (I'll see what I can pull off this weekend, something without foundation)
    Also reached out to my doctor about getting a propecia prescription and to have at least a preliminary discussion about hormone therapy.  Haven't been able to make contact with him yet, but I should get somewhere on this early next week.
    My new therapist continues to be wonderful!  And she gave me contact information for  TG support group in the city.  They meet the 1st Wednesday of each month, so I have that in my calendar for June.
    At work there was also a very positive development.  The person who used to be my bosses' boss (she was over all 3 people to whom I report) shifted positions, she's now the head of the Office of Diversity and Inclusion (or something like that).  When the announcement came out about that I sent her a congrats email, and used that to "come out" to her (I think she might have known already, but I wasn't sure).  She thanked me and said that she definitely wants to incorporate trans issues into the work that she'll be doing (it is a new position), and she said that she'd like to chat with me sometime soon to get any thoughts I might have about what the school can do.  I've known her for several years and I know that she's not the type to just "blow smoke up your ass," if she says she wants to do something she really does, and typically gets it done.  So on my task list for the long weekend is also to think about what I see as the logistical things that might come up, and then look at that to see what I should raise with her.  I'm also meeting with our HR director again to update - she mentioned that they are very soon going to "re-label" rest rooms with respect to gender identity (she couldn't tell me more about that yet).
    Finally, on Wednesday night I do a volunteer gig at a comedy theater in the city.  I told the person who coordinates volunteers that I had decided to start using my female name, so this week that started.  He's really sweet, he seemed to go out of his way to find ways to use my name whenever he could, and before I left we had a long conversation about it, he was curious about a lot of it (and also apologized in advance if he asked anything insensitive, which he didn't do).  There were also 2 occasions that night where I had to introduce myself to someone and that was the first time I introduced myself in person to someone as Christie 
    So on the whole this was a really good week!  Underneath all of this was just a far greater comfort with what I'm doing and where I'm going.
    I hope everyone has a lovely Memorial Day weekend!
    xoxo
    Christie
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
  17. Chrissy
    So 3 updates as another week comes to an end...
    I met yesterday with our Dean and Associate Dean - it was a very positive, encouraging meeting.  They proposed how to handle communicating my transition to my new name (and transition generally) to a broader audience (the students I work with directly, and then a general communication to the entire school which wouldn't identify me directly but would discuss the school's policies, etc. re transgender faculty/staff/students).  They also made it clear that updating my email address wouldn't be an issue (officially there is a policy that it has to incorporate you legal first name).  I also found out that our dean was one of the original drafters of the NYC administrative policy regarding TG employees (he was formerly chief counsel to Mayor Bloomberg).  So he's kind of familiar with these matters!
    The Stonewall Girls meetup was last night, and this time I decided to go "as is."  I usually would go home and get more en femme (wig, skirt, etc.), but now that feels too much like wearing a costume.  It is an attempt to present as a woman, but not necessarily as me.  It ended up being beneficial because it gave me a better sense of where exactly I am in terms of presentation.  In the rest of the world the noticeable thing is that I'm doing feminine things with my look, but in a TG/CD group it's more noticeable that I still look partly like a guy.  (It was described by one person there as "in between").  So I can use those meetups (every Thursday) as one way to gauge my progress, simply by committing to going "as me."
    Finally, and MOST important - my hair worked today   I curled it this morning so that it would curl in towards the bottom, usually the wind blow is it out on my way in to work, but today it held!

  18. Chrissy

    Background....

    By Chrissy,

    I've been wanting to do this for my own purposes anyway, but since I have a blog now I should use it!

    In exploring my gender I've thought a lot about the past and anything that might have been an indicator of what I really was (am!).

    The earliest item is my very first best friend (only friend for awhile) - Missy (totally ironic that I now use that name for my drag name). I'm not even sure when we became friends, we were both younger than 5 years old though. She lived down the street from me, so to some extent it was convenience, we were the only people close to each other in age - she had a brother and sister who were both substantially older, I have a brother and sister who are older, but they lined up with other kids in the area who were around their age. Convenience wasn't everything though, we were very close and stayed close friends well into elementary school, even after both of us had met other people and could "travel" to play if we wanted. Our usual play routine involved things that I think would be typically seen as "girls" - basically "playing house" with various Fisher Price toys. I had a G.I. Joe, but it wasn't my choice, I would have preferred a Barbie (she had much better accessories!), and in my hands Joe didn't do the things that he would normally have done (he never went to war). Sadly we did drift apart - it was around the age when it was "wrong" to have friends of the other sex/gender (girls had cooties after all).

    I didn't have any close female friends through the rest of elementary school or high school - but I was friendly with more girls than boys (in hindsight I can see that they no doubt saw me as non-threatening, so it was easier to get closer). These weren't good years (for multiple reasons that probably had nothing to do with gender).

    After that I started having more female friends, and a wife. We ostensibly divorced when I came out as gay, but I can see things from the time of being married that suggested otherwise. One fairly substantial thing is that when it came to decorating the more "female" touches were generally my suggestion! I like pink, I like it anywhere that it looks good, which is pretty much anywhere (for example, I was very excited when I found that I could make this all pink! Hopefully it doesn't make it hard to read). To put an even finer point on it, we didn't paint our living room pink, we painted it "dusty rose." My choice. I'm sure I tried to keep some check on it, but not with complete success. Later on I would ascribe that to being gay, but now...

    Since then I've pretty much always had at least one very close female friend. Again I would have typically said that it was because I'm gay - but I honestly don't know many of my gay friends who routinely have female friends, they tend to stay more to themselves (I'm also not denying the possibility that both sexuality and gender play a role in this).

    I'll save the more recent indicators for later

    xoxo

    Christie
  19. Chrissy
    Hi all,
    On Saturday I had lunch with a friend from school - and then we hung out for a few hours. I know him well, we were at the same field placement during our first year and we share a love of Taco Bell :-)   A discussion we had along the way on Saturday was about being "out" in class. With me it's about my transgender identity, with him it's about being a military veteran. On the surface for both of us is a desire to not be "the ___ student" (me "the trans student"). For him that might really be it, for me I think it goes deeper, I think it's a real desire to maintain my identity as a woman and the fear that being open about being trans undermines that. Even deeper is that internally I still see being trans as somehow making me less of a woman.
    The result of all this was that during my entire first year I had never said anything about my gender identity in class. I had said things about it individually to other students, but never during class - and it is a social work program, so there were many, many opportunities where I could have - and should have - said something. We both agreed that not sharing is both bad for us individually (it's hiding something) and we miss the opportunity to add something to the educational process for others (leaving out a major part of our life perspectives).
    That changed on Tuesday. We did a quick in-class exercise where she gave us each a short scenario, something that was designed to generate a negative response (mine was that I had applied for an apartment, and although I was fully qualified and the only person who was applying for it, the landlord rejected me). My initial response was confusion and assuming that it was because of my gender identity. I had a minute or 2 to think of an alternative, but I didn't. So for the first time I openly acknowledged my gender identity in class :-)
  20. Chrissy

    Birthday Blog

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    My birthday is technically still 2 days away, but since I have access to a computer right now I thought I'd do this now. It seems like a good moment to just reflect on the past few years. First a quick timeline!
    March 2015 - this isn't really the beginning of the story, but this is when I actually recognized that I am transgender, and then shared that with my therapist. There was about a year or two of cross-dressing and exploring that lead to this point. One vital take-away is that from this moment on a lifetime of depression went away. I'm not saying I haven't been depressed about things since then, but the underlying, existential depression I experienced until then was gone - I stopped asking myself "Why can't I just be right?"
    August 2015 - I began "presenting full-time" as a woman, both at work and everywhere else. Working at a school helped this as the school was pretty empty during the summer, so I had time to acclimate without a bunch of faculty and students around. Also during this month I started taking hormones.
    July 2016 - I left my job to go back to school. I had been planning to go to school anyway, but part-time. My employer needed to reduce staffing, so they offered a buy-out which made my school decision easier ("easier"). It was still a tough choice to make - I had been there 10 years, it was secure, I had no idea what would happen if I left. I eventually spoke with my best friend on the phone about it (he had moved out to LA recently) and he asked "in 5 years what do you want to be looking back at?" - my decision was made.
    August 2016 - I had my breast augmentation surgery.
    September 2016 - I started school, pursuing a Masters in Social Work at NYU. For so long I had been trying to figure out what I really wanted to do in life, this choice seemed so obvious after I made it, but I know I couldn't have made this choice before coming out and transitioning.
    December 2016 - I had my GCS - YAY!!!
    May 2017 - finished first year of school - YAY!!!
    And that brings us to today. A lot has happened, and I'm thrilled with it, but I know that more still has to happen. For one thing I don't think I've quite fully internalized my own sense of being a woman, at times I still feel like an imposter. I suppose after living for 48 years identifying as a man it's bound to take some time. My recent decision to stop wearing wigs helped - I had put too much of my gender identity into them.
    I still very much fear being alone forever. I often find myself thinking that no man will ever accept me as a woman and be in a relationship. There is something to it, there are definitely men who would run away from the idea of dating a transgender person, but I also know that some of that thinking is part of what I said just before about not fully accepting myself as a woman. There's work to be done.
    I wonder if my sister will ever come around. I'd prefer to think that I'm fine just leaving her behind, but I know I'm not. We never had a very, very close relationship, but we generally had a good relationship and I miss that. I also know that I made the choice, I told her I didn't want to hear from her until and unless she was ready to accept me as a woman, and I can't back away from that.
    I'm often unwilling to accept some things that are simply true and can't be changed - they all focus around the fact that I was not born a cisgender female, and I will never have been. As a result I will physically never be a cisgender female, I will never have the experiences that a girl has growing up, etc. It's silly to reject those facts, but I still try sometimes.
    So that's more or less where I am right now - see what happens in the next year :-)
    xoxoxo
    Chrissy
  21. Chrissy

    Book Project

    By Chrissy,

    Hi all,
    I met on Tuesday with a person who is working on a book project about "transformations." Although not gender-specific, she indicated that most of the people she thinks will be featured will be female. One section of the book will be dedicated to trans-identified people, and it looks like I'm going to be one of them 
    Each person featured will have a short blurb, something about their story of transformation, and then a few related pictures. I'll write the initial blurb myself - my slant on it, as of now, is the idea that what started as a transition that I viewed as being to "become a woman" turned into a transition that I viewed as being to "become me." I'm also going to write the general introduction for the transgender section - her goal is to elevate our stories through this book, so that should be a really awesome project to be part of.
    More later 
    xoxo
    Chrissy
  22. Chrissy
    I see I haven't updated since April 28, so I'm behind on a few items :-)
    My job - where I've worked for 10+ years now - recently announced employee buy-outs b/c they need to cut the budget.  Since I was already planning on going back to school, I took the buy-out and will now go back full-time (to NYU for a Masters in Social Work). Now I'm just here at work riding out my time until probably June 30 - it's SOOOO boring!!!
    On other fronts - next Monday I have a consult with a bottom surgeon in the Philadelphia area - very excited about that!  And in mid-July I have another appt with the top surgeon in Albany - to finalize details, etc.  That surgery is scheduled for August 19 - one of my friends who is a student, and thus free during the summer, is going with me (you have to have someone with you).
  23. Chrissy

    Bottom Surgery!!!

    By Chrissy,

    As I mentioned in my last posting, I had a consultation in Philadelphia on Monday about bottom surgery - it went very well, I liked the surgeon a lot and liked the work that she showed me.  So I'm scheduled for December 27 :-)
    I had anticipated waiting until spring because of school, but classes finish in the fall on December 23, and there's over a month before spring classes, so this worked out, and financially it's VERY helpful as it lets me get this under my current insurance, and in the same year as top surgery so that I have only 1 deductible to worry about.
    I had a "gut check" moment while waiting for the surgeon - this time my gut's response was "leave me alone! this is good!" - so apparently my gut is getting a little annoyed at me checking-in too much. I drove down (hate driving, but it seemed easier), and the drive back was awesome - nothing about the drive itself, just knowing that I'm getting this done, that it's scheduled and before we start 2017 I will be just about as much of a woman as I can be :-) (physically at least)
    Now I get to have the conversation with my brother in which I tell him :-)  That should be fine, we've already spoken about me being trans and he's totally supportive, just awkward having any medical discussions with him.
  24. Chrissy

    Bringing my life together

    By Chrissy,

    Last Friday I was having lunch with a friend from school - he and I were at the same field placement last year and got into the habit of going to Taco Bell for lunch every Wednesday, we've moved the day around but have continued the practice. I would say he's the best friend that I've made so far in school, we always have great conversations - if neither of us have anything else scheduled our lunches often turn into all afternoon things (we don't stay at Taco Bell the whole time, we walk around).
    Anyway - last week we were talking about the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual - a guidebook for mental health diagnoses) and Gender Dysphoria vs. Depression. We were in pretty complete agreement on the topic (see below), but I was still getting a bit energized by the topic. As I was talking at one point I noticed that he was smiling - when I finished my thought he said "I really like this side of you." The "side" he's talking about is basically the activist side (the thought I was on was something critical of the DSM). Later that evening I texted him to specifically thank him for that segment of our conversation - I like all of our conversations, but that one in particular helped me connect some dots that had been wandering around loose. Along with the general thank you and explanation I mentioned that it was an area that brought together my personal, professional, and activist life, which I really liked.
    It then occurred to me that that happens a lot now. For example, when I was at the Trans Health Conference a few weeks ago, that whole few days were about all of those parts of my life. But in school, at my internship, and in other places I feel like my personal, professional and activist lives are all coming together. This is compared to say 5 years ago when my professional life was a job I hated, my personal life was virtually non-existent, and my activist life was completely non-existent.
    The reason for bringing this up in a post is that all of this is a result of coming out and transitioning for me. We talk about being "authentic," which is what I think is one of the most important aspects of coming out (and transitioning if that's what you do), and this reflects on what being authentic has meant for me.
     
    Side note about Gender Dysphoria and the DSM - Gender Dysphoria (GD) is a step in the right direction for the DSM, away from Gender Identity Disorder (GID). With GID they were basically pathologizing being transgender (the diagnosis just called for the person experiencing a dissonance between the gender they were identified with at birth and their experienced gender - it didn't matter if that dissonance had any negative effect on them). GD requires the presence of the dissonance, but is only diagnosed if it causes some problem in the person's overall functioning. So that's a good step, but my criticism of it is that it seemingly disregards the impact of bigotry on the person. There are passing references to this, but it doesn't seem that important that much of the dysfunction that can result from being transgender is in response to how it is perceived, and often stigmatized by others. So it's virtually (but not quite) pathologizing a perfectly reasonable response to bigotry. The question I've asked people is, if transphobia dissappeared tomorrow, would GD still be a problem?  I think it would, but a much much more manageable problem - someone saying that they're transgender would be greeted with "ok, so what do you want to do?" That could still be a difficult question, but easier to deal with if you weren't also facing rejection from family, friends, and society as a whole.
     
    Ok, I'm done :-)

    xoxo
    Chrissy
  25. Chrissy

    Catching up

    By Chrissy,

    Hi everyone,
    I just noticed it's been about 3 weeks since I've written anything!  It's been a bit of a whirlwind lately, but mostly in a good or great way.
    The biggest update is that as of October 19 my name will officially, legally become Christie Ann  :-)    Then begins the long process of changing my name everywhere (I have a lengthy list going - I just spent some time prioritizing - driver's license, credit cards, HR at work, etc.).  Using that as a basis I sent a group-wide email to family members - cousins and extended family - telling them about my transition and my name change.  I've heard back - positively - from several of them already.
    This coming Thursday is my next endocrinologist appointment, so hopefully my HRT prescription will be increased.
    In general, presenting as a woman has become far more second-nature.  I was thrown a little today when I went shopping, the person at Loft started using male pronouns, but I realized it was just because when I went to open an account I had to give her my driver's license, so it was understandable (though still, I was standing right there, openly shopping at store that only sells women's clothing...)  Anyway...  I do need to resume working on my voice.
    Work-wise, I got a promotion recently.  Although I'm still doing the functions I was doing, they added some marketing responsibilities (website and social media specifically), and increased my pay grade, with a pretty nice salary increase.  It makes the prospect of some surgery next summer much more feasible (I'm thinking about top surgery next summer).
    There are still some things that don't feel quite right - but in general things are moving in a better direction (including my shoulder, which is starting to get back some mobility).  One thing I observed about myself last night is that I tend to wait for things to happen rather than doing things.  It shows itself the most with my excessive checking of email and twitter.  I need to work on that.
    Anyway, that's my update for now :-)
    xoxo
    Christie
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