JayM

Thanks for the encouragement, Emma. I'll take your advice regarding using pen and paper. It's kind of reassuring to know I'm not the only one who tires themselves out on purpose

I haven't been around for a while (sorry!) because I've been burying myself in work (lot and lots of it) and in other stuff, to occupy my mind, or to distract myself from unwanted thoughts to be more precise. Been doing a bit of training for ATH (Action for Trans* Health) here in the UK - training to become an Advocate. I'm also volunteering for the Trans* programme at the LGBT Foundation here in Manchester, so I have been spending a fair amount of time hanging around the LGBT Foundation headquarters on Richmond Street. I was there all day yesterday. That's where the monthly FTM group meets although it seems like months since I've been to one of those (but it hasn't been months at all). I've been preparing a bunch of articles and stuff for LGBT HM to be posted on our company LGBT+ internal website, and also preparing information and biographies of notable trans* people for the week leading up to 31 March (International Transgender Day of Awareness) - the plan is to have a different article and a different bio uploaded to the site each day of the week leading to ITDoA. I've done all this (and I am continuing to do it) because I still have my writer's block If I can't write something, I send myself crazy. I hope everyone is doing ok... xxx

Things that make me smile… Seeing the leaves appearing on the trees in spring. Watching winter give way to spring always makes me happy. The leaves are bright and vibrant and fresh. It seems that, suddenly, everywhere appears to be more alive. People smile more and I guess it’s because they are more hopeful and filled with expectation now that the darkness and cold of winter is becoming a memory. Blue sky. Don’t get me wrong, I love clouds (I’m even a paid-up member of the Cloud Appreciation Society) - but you can’t beat a blue sky. There’s something basic and primeval about the way humans react to certain colours - and the blue of the sky is one of those colours that homo sapiens have reacted to for millennia. It’s ingrained in our DNA, I believe. Seeing Valentino Rossi win a race. Go Vale!!! You’ll always be my hero. #46 Jumping on one of my bikes when the sky is blue and heading through the countryside never fails to put a smile on my face. If you’ve never ridden a bike, you’re missing out on what could well be one of the best experiences of your life. Watching children jump into puddles left by the rain. Or watching them play in the leaves when it’s autumn. Reminds me of when I was a kid. The smell of good coffee. Heavenly. Also the smell of nutmeg or cinnamon. Talking of smells... There’s this aftershave (cologne) that I fell in love (or lust) with when I was a teenager. It is called Aramis. One of my teachers wore it every day at school. If I ever catch a whiff of Aramis, I grin like a fool. Music. Music always calms me. Or it invigorates me. I’ll listen to many types; there aren’t many genres I don’t like. The only exceptions are musicals and country music - I’ve never managed to get into them. But most other types of music will make me relax and smile. Writing. That’s another thing that calms my mind and makes me happy. Except when I have a block.

Thanks for the advice

...therapy... I know what works for me. The best therapy for me is immersing myself in my music or my painting or my writing. So I just bought myself a new synthesizer. It was either that or download a shed load of new music. And I've spent quite enough money on music downloads lately. I seem to have lost my muse when it comes to writing. The stories are in my head, but they aren't making it onto the virtual paper of my computer screen, for some reason. It's annoying; having all these tales rattling around inside my brain but unable to get them out. I have this one story on my mind at the moment that is almost perfectly formed. I have the characters, the storyline, a lot of the dialogue and most of the action between the two main protagonists, but each time I sit down to write it, there's a block - and I sit, staring at the screen, thinking, "How do I start?" It's stupid. I know the whole story; I know how it starts, how they develop their relationship, how their tale ends. But can I get it out of my brain? Nope. The last time I had a block like this, I worked out what I'd done wrong. On that particular story, I had backed myself into a corner, leaving me with a chapter I knew I had to write, but unable to get it out. So I went back and changed the previous two chapters, allowing me to then attack that next chapter differently. It worked. But now, if I can't even make a start on this new story, I can't get myself out of the corner. And these two characters are occupying my dreams as well as my waking mind, so I have to do something about them soon. Otherwise, I may have lost one of my therapies for a while. Maybe that's why I'm rambling on here. Sorry

I no longer have any desire to see a "therapist". I think it will perpetuate the medical profession's opinion that I somehow have a mental illness if I sign up for that. It's hard enough to get the medical types to take us seriously as it is. I have friends to talk to, I have my husband, and I have my FTM support group. For now, that will suffice, I think. At one point, I thought it might have been a good idea to talk to a stranger about stuff, but... no. I don't want to. Not anymore. I know that at some point, I will have to sit in front of one, while they ask me probing and insensitive questions about my sex life, my sexuality, my body image, my feelings, what I had for breakfast. But I'm prepared for that because it's part of the process I have to undertake, if I'm ever going to get the treatment I need, want, desire, whatever you wanna call it. I've heard horrible stories about the kind of questions they ask and how seemingly irrelevant they can be. And having to answer questions like that makes me shiver. But it has to be done at some point. I'm resigned to that. Until that day comes, I'll stick to my current support network.

Interesting article, but all I could think was, "Each to his own." Thanks for the link, though.

The only other person I know of who celebrates two birthdays per year, off the top of my head, is our queen. So does that make you Royalty now?

Your mandalas are truly beautiful. Works of art in every sense of the phrase. I enjoy reading your posts, not only because you always have something interesting to say, but because of the poetry inherent in the words you choose to express yourself.

Here in the UK, the Women & Equalities Select Committee (a government thing) has been conducting an inquiry into trans* issues for around six months. Last week, they published their much-anticipated report on their findings and their recommendations. Rumours had already abounded regarding the recommendations their report was likely to make, and it turns out most of the rumours were true. So, maybe life will get a little easier for trans* people over here, if any of those recommendations are taken forward by the government. I certainly hope so. I spent a couple of hours yesterday, reading through the report from start to finish. It took a while because it was lengthy, but they seem to have covered most of the things I was expecting, such as how the National Health Service is failing us, and in fact, discriminating against us, how the Prison Service needs to be reformed, how education - in schools, colleges, universities, the NHS, the government departments - everywhere, basically - has to improve. How non-binary people are discriminated against in ways that are just too heartless for me to find the words. Most of their recommendations are sensible, long-overdue, and not difficult to implement. Other countries have already implemented such simple changes as self-determination of gender identity, making the processes in England (and Wales to some extent) outdated and discriminatory. Currently, as the process stands here, I will have to wait 17 months for my initial appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic that I've been referred to, rather than the required maximum waiting time for any NHS appointment of 18 weeks. Once I finally get to see someone at that GIC, I then have an assessment process that will take between three and six months, after which someone will decide whether I have 'gender dysphoria' and am in fact transgender, as I claim to be. They will decide that - not me - and their decision will determine whether I get any treatment. That means, time elapsed could be close to two years before someone tells me whether I'm a good candidate for testosterone treatment. Then, as I understand it, they will suggest to me that - if I am hoping for any kind of surgery - I should try living 'in role' so that I can prepare myself for how it will feel to be 'male' for the rest of my life. Pfft! I believe I know what it feels like to be male. That's the whole point! And I've been living as male for a f'kin long time already! I may have only 'officially' changed my name last November, but what's a name anyway? I could have chosen a gender neutral name if I'd wanted to. And, at the moment, while I'm already dressing in my male clothing, with my male haircut, and my male mannerisms and my male name, I wonder if I should have done that - chosen a gender neutral name. Because I know what people see when they look at me. Because I can still see it, too. I have a female face. I look like a drag king. Or maybe I look like a butch lesbian. Or perhaps, to some people, I look androgynous. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm actually getting more anxious now, knowing that I am on a waiting list and that it's such a f'kin long wait. My 'dysphoria' (I hate that word!) has actually become worse as I think about how far away that appointment is. I spent a chunk of time yesterday looking online for what I know is illegal T. And looking for the so-called 'natural' alternatives to T. I need to do something. I can't wait two years. Dammit! What started out as a fairly positive post ended up as a miserable one. I'm sorry. My original purpose when I started to write this was to say how pleased I was after reading the Inquiry report. How optimistic it had made me feel. How, I had started to think that, by the time I do get to see someone in the GIC, the laws may have changed, or the waiting lists may have shrunk. Or that the government and the medical profession might have actually stopped thinking of 'gender dysphoria' as a mental illness. I'm not mentally ill. I'm certainly not mentally unstable. My problem is that I have the wrong sex organs, that's all.

I received a letter from Barclaycard addressed to the dead name last week, despite me telling them in December of the new name and receiving all the confirmation from them that they'd changed their records within a week, so I know what that feels like The one good thing that came out of the name change for me (so far) is that the tax office got in touch, having gone through all my records back to 2006, it seems, and they told me I overpaid in 2006-7 and 2014-15 and they enclosed a cheque for the several hundred £s that I hadn't known was owed to me So that was sitting in the bank, burning a hole in my virtual pocket, until I spotted something yesterday that I'm going to treat myself to And your post has basically made my week finish with a smile. Good on you for complaining like that - we shouldn't have to put up with this stuff!

You have a very poetic style of writing and I enjoyed reading your first post. I hope it won't be the last. In your initial post, you seem to have managed to do two things rather well: explain your circumstances, and grab my attention. I look forward to reading more. Oh, and the choice of font and colour was very kind to my eyes.

Black Forest Gateau... mmm... my favourite too. Along with Bakewell tart and cheesecake. Any kind of cheesecake - I'm not fussy All the Best, Eve. Have a great New Year.

That was my first Christmas as a man. Officially, that is. Unofficially, I've been that way for years But all the documentation, and the websites, and the bank cards and credit cards that I have in my possession, showing my new, real name, they all tell me that I'm officially a man now. (Notwithstanding the fact that my birth certificate still says "girl" on it, but it'll be a long time before that gets changed, so I'm not counting that). I've just changed my gender on here, in that little dropdown thingy on the profile page. That's a technical term, for all the non-IT people out there - "dropdown thingy" I just changed it. From "Transgender" to "Male". Because when I logged in, I looked at my profile and thought, "My gender isn't transgender. That's an adjective to describe me, maybe, but it's not my gender." At best I would choose "Trans male" if it was there, or "Trans man". Or maybe "AFAB". But, hey, I'm male and I'm proud of it. So I changed the dropdown thingy. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone on here a fabulous 2016 and I hope it brings each and every one of you everything you desire. Personally, I desire the T, but I'm in for a long wait, it seems. Maybe this time next year my voice will be a little deeper and I'll be moaning about having to shave every morning before I go to work, but who knows...? Hey... and before I forget... if anyone in the UK happens to read this and they are planning a visit to Sparkle 2016, and they feel inclined to have a wee dram or a cup of tea with a Mancunian who is also planning a visit to Sparkle 2016... well, as long as you're not an axe murderer or something... My thanks go to all you guys and girls who have provided such valuable advice to me this year. Much respect. And hugs. Ok, maybe just one hug. A quick one. Before anyone sees. Have a Happy New Year. xx

And the same to you, Eve! Have a great time and I hope you get some time to relax and let your hair down Best Wishes for 2016 xx

My husband has really changed his opinions and outlook since that chat we had back in October. I can't quite get my head around how supportive he's being. And even though he'll probably never read this, I want to thank him. He's being wonderful. The other night, while I was at my FtM meeting, he went to a pub to watch the football, but they wouldn't let him in because the place was crowded already. So he wandered back to Canal Street. Canal Street is the heart of the 'Gay Village' here in Manchester. In the past, my husband wouldn't have gone there altogether voluntarily, by which I mean it wouldn't have been his suggestion to go there. But on Monday, I took him there before my meeting and took him into one of my favourite bars. After the bouncers wouldn't allow him in the pub of his choice, he went back to Canal Street and visited a couple of bars, then went back into Taurus (the bar I'd taken him to). Inside, one of the barmen recognised him from earlier and said, "Hey, weren't you here before, with your wife?" My husband replied, "No, I was here with my husband." He told me all this after I left my meeting and met up with him. He said they'd had a great chat and the barman had welcomed him as if he'd been a regular at the place. We visited another place before we headed home - Churchills. My husband had never been in there before, either. It's the kind of place he probably wouldn't have dreamed of setting foot inside, only a few months ago. Saturday nights in Churchills are a riot of diversity and I love them but it's not really my husband's thing. Or, it wasn't. Before we left, he suggested I should take him back on a Saturday night. When we got home that night, he said he'd really enjoyed himself in the bars on Canal Street and that we should go more often. I've been going there for years but not with him. But it seems that's going to change.

I'll take on board all your comments - thanks guys. It's just a little irritating because I work for the same IT department, but not for the end user service desk. I know what it all boils down to is that they do this so infrequently that they don't have a procedure to follow. I'm hoping to help put one in place for the future.

Thanks guys I wasn't really thinking about crying yet. But I do want to punch a wall. They're just being lazy. They've done it before - I personally know two people who have already done this, albeit a few years ago, and no doubt there are other people I don't know in person who also work for the same company and who have done this before me. Basically, the IT guys are just doing the bare minimum that they think they can get away with but I won't let them get away with it. So they're annoyed with me. I'm going to escalate the issue tomorrow. My manager is on holiday for Christmas so he can't help but his manager is still around, and so is his manager, so it will be fixed. I just hope it doesn't drag on all the way into January.

For almost a week now, I've been arguing with our IT service desk about how my company email address needs to change. They want to add my new name as an alias which isn't what I need. They also just want to change the name that is displayed to people. Both of those changes would leave my old, dead name visible for anyone to see. I don't want that. I want my dead name to disappear. That isn't unreasonable. I don't want someone to stumble across my dead name a couple of years from now. They don't get it. Someone has just changed my displayed name and if anyone clicks on it they can still see my dead name. I have explained to them FOUR times now that this is incorrect. They have tried to close the request on me four times and I keep reopening it because they still haven't got it right. The latest insult is that I could see the notes that someone had written against the request. "User is not happy. She wants her name to be changed everywhere." She? SHE? Ffs!!! I'm gonna cry before the week is over.

I just called the doctor's surgery to find out whether they have sent my test results to the GIC. I had a bunch of blood tests last week because the GIC asked for them. They won't accept my referral until they get the results and they gave a 4 week deadline to receive them, otherwise they would reject my referral. That was a little tight, given that it took two weeks for their letter to arrive at my GP practice, requesting the blood tests in the first place, because it's almost Christmas and I presume the letter got stuck in the backlog of Christmas mail. As soon as I received my copy of the letter (because they sent it to me too) I called the doc and made an appointment for the blood tests. My letter arrived two days before it arrived at the GP practice. So it's a good thing I called them otherwise we'd have lost another few days. I want that referral. I know that, even if they accept me, it will be months and months before I even get to see anyone at the clinic. The last time I checked, the waiting list was 8 months. It's probably longer now. And that's one of the shorter waiting lists - another clinic has a waiting list estimate of 3 years. The lists are growing daily. I've been looking at the stats. So, there are more people requesting referrals to Gender Identity Clinics all the time. Are there suddenly more of us around? I don't think so. I think we're just getting braver, or more desperate. I know that, in my case, it's a bit of both. I am braver than I was a few years ago. But I'm also definitely more desperate for something to be done. I went to my monthly FtM meeting last night and, while it was a good session, and the other guys are great, I kept looking at the people who have completely transitioned and I knew I was envious of them. The guys with the beards. The guys who don't have hips that are larger than their waists. The guys who don't have to wear binders. One bloke caught me looking at him and he smiled at me. I felt myself blushing but I smiled back. I don't know what he was thinking when he caught me. I don't know whether he thought I fancied him or something, but I don't care. I was definitely admiring his body. I want one of those.

It's a publishing site. People can upload their books and other people can either read them on the site (because there's a reading app on there) or download copies in various formats to other devices. There's hundreds of thousands of books on there, in all genres, fiction and non-fiction. Some you buy, others are available for free. From my point of view, it's where I publish my finished stories. Smashwords formats them for distribution to multiple resellers. I used to publish directly on Amazon but Smashwords is easier, I think. I use another site to upload stories that are unfinished, posting them a chapter at a time. But Smashwords is where I get a lot of my reading material too - there are many brilliant authors on there. Some of my favourite authors use the site. I'm always downloading books from there.

I agree the progress is amazing and very welcome. And I'm going to close that PayPal account.

...Smashwords... because I just did... I just went on there to check on my story downloads - and they have almost doubled since I last looked at the stats. I've never uploaded a pic on here before so I hope it works. Knowing me, I've probably got it wrong. But this is some of that positive reinforcement we could all use now and then. I took a leaf out of someone else's book on here because, well, why not! It made me feel good, seeing those download stats. We all need to know we're loved, don't we?

So, I changed my name with my banks without any problems. I've received two replacement cards with my new name on and I'm only a tiny little bit irritated that I'm still waiting for a card from one bank. But at least I have access to my money again. I've changed my name and payment details with online sites such as Amazon, ebay, Beatport, Juno, Smashwords, and other places where I spend money on a regular basis. But the only one that's causing me a major problem is PayPal. They won't accept me trying to change my bank details, even though the name on my bank account has changed. I've amended a credit card on there but they won't allow me to amend the debit card I have registered with them, even though the name has changed on that debit card. And they won't let me delete it. AND they won't let me change my name!!! Not without a Photo ID. So I need to get my new passport or driving licence before I can change my name on my PayPal account. But what makes me laugh about that is that when I opened that PayPal account TEN YEARS AGO they never asked for Photo ID. So they didn't know what I looked like then and they don't know what I look like now. Why is PayPal being so annoying when all the banks and credit card companies and everywhere else have been so great? I'm thinking now that the easiest solution is to close my ten year old PayPal account and open a new one in my new name, which is, after all, my real name. But then I will have to go back to ebay and Beatport and Juno and Smashwords and... change my payment details again. it's a good thing that I like merry-go-rounds

Hi Veronica, He's younger by four years. But he's far more grown up than I am Cheers, Jay