Everything posted by Anichka
Anichka added a topic in Significant OthersHello, I'm AnichkaHello, I'm Anichka. My husband of 26 years is going through the transition from male to female. She is on HRT and has legally changed her name. She wants to have the surgery. She has been out since January of this year, although we have known since January 2014. She told me back then, but I was so devastated that I cried for months so she tried to go back to dressing and acting like a man. I knew it wouldn't work, but I so wanted to believe that it would! So in January 2015 she told me that she just couldn't do it anymore and I told her that she should do whatever it is that she needed to do to be happy. More than anything I want her to be a happy, fulfilled person who is comfortable with who she is. Unfortunately, that means that I am very unhappy much of the time. I am grieving for my marriage to my husband and trying to figure out where I go from here. I have been supportive of my new partner in everything she wants to do, except I was not willing to renew my marriage vows for our 25th wedding anniversary because I don't know what I'm doing. I have gone with her to get makeovers, shopped for new clothes and makeup, gone to LGBT events, have been reading and talking about it frequently. We have told our immediate families and gradually, our friends. We are in marriage counseling, and we both have therapists, but I'm not a lesbian and I don't feel attracted to my partner in the way I was attracted to my husband. I know that she is the very same person inside yet she is very different now. Even her personality has changed in many ways. Sometimes I believe that I can live the rest of my life with her, and other times I think that there is just no way I can do this. I am still very emotional about all of this. She thinks that I shouldn't be finding this so difficult because she is the same person inside, but I loved the outside person too. He was tall, dark, and handsome and I loved the way he looked. I loved the way he dressed and I was so proud to be with him and to show him off. I loved the hair on his body and the roughness of his hands when they were against my skin. I still love her very much, and we had a really good marriage. My husband was my soul mate, and inside, she still is. We finish each other's sentences and often have the very same thoughts which we end up speaking in unison. It's a little spooky.
I am lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. I'm 58 years old and this isn't exactly how I pictured the last years of my life. I want to be happy too. My partner has been on disability for 12 years and I stood by her all that time through all kinds of things like 8 surgeries, ECT, chronic migraines, depression, while dealing with my own clinical depression. I have worked the whole time to try to keep our lives on an even keel, but I am exhausted. She has supported me emotionally most of that time, as much as she can. When is it my turn to be happy?
I'm a mess, huh? Any other caregiving, supportive spouses out there with some advice for me? Or someone who just understands or wants to talk?
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