Content tagged 'thankful'
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By Blair, postedRoad On Recovery
A life of Parties, sex,drugs and crime + how i ended up arrested.
1 year ago today I posted on my social media a picture of my everyday makeup routine ''My daily makeup routine, getting ready along with the difference between my wig an d real hair''.
I remember looking back to this day a year ago posting it on my social media, very confident, very content with my life. I honestly felt as if i had it all and that i was meant to do something special in life and be part of something great, But who knew only to follow would be the downfall of my existence filled with shame and regret only to end up wandering the streets making poor decisions, my body drastically not reflecting anything of my past self and coming to a crashing point in life of parties, drugs and crime. Today when i got the alert of the memories of a year ago posting this picture an idea came to me. If a year ago i had posted this then a year later (today) would reflect and continue on with the stages in the pictures to capture my downfall and not only for my own self reflection but to show you how a general healthy woman can go from my pictures from above to the new collage only to follow a year later...
There are many many things i have done along my road of parties, drugs and crime however there is one incident in particular that really sticks with me day after day now that i am on my road of recovery and that is the night of my arrest. I don't know why and i certainly don't know how in that moment it seemed like a good idea but all i know is that it happened and that in a moment especially when riddled with a drug educed mind and body that in a split second you may find yourself making a decision that will stick with you for times during and after your relapse. One night, or on the fourth or fifth night for that matter awake and on yet another bender i found myself with my 'friend'' on the streets wondering around town, realistically not actually doing anything but somehow the amusement was there and the plans of when and how to get home along with pure safety was something that seemed to be neglected in our mushed and fried mines. Whilst typing this it almost is shocking to me to see how it wasn't shocking in the time of when i right, the priorities and what seemed to be important at the time. Our minds or mine for that matter knew one thing and one thing only and that was the party and to keep the excitement and pure rush continuing and never ending. So with that description fresh in mind it just so happened that it somehow jumped from 11 that night to 3 the next morning and that was when it suddenly became clear to us, after becoming so dehydrated and hungry because that as well not being a priority as well after 4 or so days of little sips and nibbles that it was in fact that late and now buses and trains where not running and we had no way of returning home out of the cold and now raining night/morning. If things were not worse enough both our phones had died so now there was no way of calling a taxi or anyone else for that matter to pick us up. It just so happened that the only place open within any form of walking was a 7/11 but yet serviced by a man who refused any plea to help us call a taxi, not even off his own mobile phone. This resulting in a more aggressive and angered mood led me to continue my search for a way home. On my search just not that far down from the 7/11 came across a construction site where a group of homes where being built. What i thought was a bright idea, allowed myself over the fence in search of a power point to charge our phones with the newly bought phone sager from the 7/11 man who's only help was to purchase one. I figured half of the houses were built and opened up so that i could sneak in and briefly charge my phone. Well apparently the police did not think this was such a brilliant idea and wanted to remove the trespassers from the new construction site. My breaking and entering spree was shorted with the arrest and removal of me and my 'friend''. The realization of the possible criminal charge scared me to my core. It suddenly came to me now that if i was faced with a criminal record, that i would soon be faced with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. Always having to tick the box yes when asked if i had committed a criminal offense, always having to legally tell an employer when in a job interview or in a application to attend university. Whilst detained in the back of the police car it all came crashing down around me. All of the times on my relapse i had never had any crippling realizations of the consequences of my actions so everything seemed fine, i see this night now as a pivotal moment in my time coming to my road on recovery. Luckily and thankfully and a lot of tears the police officers understood my story of that night (leaving out the details of drugs though) allowed us off with just a warning and informed me that there would be no charges and therefore no criminal record and we were free to go. The night did end with the kind police officers driving us home as well. Though i still continued to riddle my body and mind with crystal methamphetamine days and weeks after the incident of that night. I hope my readers or whoever is actually reading this that you don't judge me to harshly. I do allow myself some slack as I do have to be kind to myself and begin to accept who i was, what i did before i can move on and thankfully i am slowly every day doing so and am begging to love who i have yet again have become regardless of who i was. Before i move on to my week update i wish to say i do in no way endorse or make excuses for crime and the stories of my relapse but only wish to be honest and to discuss what it is that got me to those points in my life because it helps me become at peace with the things i have done so that i can continue on my road on recovery plus i hope that it can provide some insight into a person who was on a life of parties and drugs and possibly hope anyone who is still on that path to see what it is you can become or be faced with if you continue down this journey and to show simply that if i can turn it around so can you.
My week has had so many ups, more than the downs i can confidently and happily say. I am proud to report that i now for the last 4 days have upped my runs/walks to 2 a day, now at a whopping total of 73.72 kilometers. I again wish to stress to anyone who was on the same path or wishing to getting clean and wanting drug sustaining measures that a run/walk at the start and end of your day is so rewarding not just for your body but for your mind and soul to. At the beginning of my week i came across Delta Goodrem's new album 'Wings of the wild''. This is my latest album i LOVE to listen to whilst on my run. It has so many songs that i hear as being so relevant to my situation i am in. Her lyrics in songs such as Dear Life, Heavy, I'm only human and Encore have given me such strength not only to push on in my run and achieve more kilometers out of it but in the rest of my day and road on recovery. I highly suggest to everyone and all my readers to listen to her album today! This week i am so thrilled to announce that i continued to work on my relationships that i talked about last week PLUS on more and unexpected relationships. This week i did highly want to focus on building brides with my sister Chloe. It started of slowly with texting during the day to see how she was, keeping up with her if anything was happening and showing little acts of kindness. During the week i opened up to her and informed her of my decisions and plans to go to detox and rehab. This to me was so unexpected but i just felt ready to let her in, i also felt this was pivotal in our own road to recovery as it showed her i was willing to let her in which showed trust and faith in her to and hopefully allowing her to allow me slowly back into her heart. I feel this week we have already done so well; she cleaned out her room this week and I after coming out of a bath found clothes all over the lounge room with a surprise 'happy early Christmas, take whatever you want''. This honestly meant to much to me. It may sound small to others but i've always felt like since my transition that it was my fault for how strained my sisters and i have become. I always senses a reluctance and a bit of a discord between us. Her giving me all of her clothes that she no longer wanted and chose to give them to me showed that she was willing to embrace me and just showed a level of acceptance. This was not just clothes and this wasn't just a gift it was so much more so i thank you Chloe xxx. Surprisingly my other sister Kayla, we have re connected and begin our own road to recovery as well. I was so touched to wake up and find she had reached out to me with saying that she was proud of my recovery and that she had read my last blog post and thought i was doing well. This was a great morning indeed. Just the fact that she 1, reached out to me first and was the bigger person and 2, read my blog post and kept up to date with me without even being told or asked shows a enormous level of love and care. We met up yesterday for a day out, i haven't enjoyed myself as much as i did yesterday. She shouted me to a breakfast, lunch AND a day of shopping. We laughed and shared stories of our time away from each other and our plans for the future. My plans for detox and what not and her going to New Zealand and bungee jumping off the highest point there (which i am enviously jealous, that is if she goes through with it haha). I am glad i have both my sisters back in my life and it is something that keeps me sober every day as if i do have an urge i simply look all that i am getting back and have in my life and what i would be giving up if i did give into temptation. The rest of my week was filled with seeing my councilor, my dad and celebrating with friends.
I am thankful every day for my sobriety and second chances. Often in life and during our busy days, especially in the society that we live in we often (if not skipped or missed) have moments that are meaningful to us but often move on with the rest of the chaos in our life. I love writing my blog and weekly update because it allows me to reflect on the week i've had and yet again truly feel all the love and positive things that i got to experience and truly be thankful for them. I once read a quote and its another thing that find pivotal in my long term sobriety and that is to 'Start each day with a grateful heart''. I find this to be so true as if we have nothing to be thankful for and we if we do not have gratitude and love in our hearts then what life are we truly leading. If i don't have something to be thankful for then i am not living and not experiencing everything i truly can. I end with a quote from Deltas album and that i really want anyone on the same journey hopefully to take away from it that don't give up, keep pushing through the hard times and continue to be thankful and grateful as it may be easy in the time but don't give into a momentary weakness as u will give up a long term happiness.
''Wouldn't it be easy to turn the page, and wouldn't it be easier to just through the book away'
Days sober- 18
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Five weeks to go until I meet the endocrinologist. I look at the calendar once a day. I started journaling a month ago to help with my anxiety. It helps but I always want to share it with others, as if my life is just that damn interesting. Three weeks ago I began seeing a therapist. I knew that I was supposed to see one for transitioning stuff, but I feel like I’m just rambling for fifty five minutes. Beth assures me that is what I’m supposed to be doing. This last Friday, Friday Jun 26th, 2015. Bans on Gay marriage were deemed unconstitutional in the United States. It fills me with relief to know that when I find someone I can marry them, no matter what gender they are. I have a physician now as well. Her name is Stacy. She’s very nice and very compassionate. I feel like I have doctors I can trust and that luxury is not lost on me. Stacy made the referral for the endocrinologist. I have to go to Yale New Haven Hospital. They have a Transgender Clinic. I started working out. My attitude has changed. I’m no longer easily discourage or enraged. I bought a new phone. I’m in love with it. I’m excited for my next year of college. I’m beginning to plan my move in February. I know what I want, and that’s half the battle. Now to just start saving. I began writing up scripts for the Trans-a-Saurus Rex. I think that’s going to be my summer project. 52 of them on for each week. I know that other people don’t understand me, instead of being hurt or angered by it, I’m just disappointed. I’m not half a girl, I’m not technically female. I’m Male everywhere it counts, Or so I’m told. I think I’ll write one comic for every incident in the 2014-2015 year. That should be like 60-ish. Time to make art. I’m happy. I didn’t know that I could ever feel this way. Hope changes a Man.
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