Well to begin with, i always felt like there was something different about me. When i was young i would sometimes look in the mirror and wonder what it was like to be a girl, but at the time i didn't give it much more thought than just "what if". When i started going to middle school i was paying a little more attention the the girls clothes. I remember thinking "why don't they make stuff that pretty for us"? Puberty went by pretty much unnoticed. Not sure if that's normal for some TG's but no real problems so i don't often question why i don't remember puberty. Anyway, around age 14 or 15 i found an old dress in the back of a closet. I tried it on and looked in the mirror. When i saw myself i got really self-conscious and confused so i tried to repress it and keep it out of my head from then on. I can recall a few times between then and now that i did a little more experimenting(panties, bras and eventually dresses again). It was still very scary and confusing and the shame kept me from talking to anyone about it. A few years ago i met an Australian woman named Caitlin (which is how i chose my name. Her idea and i loved it). I felt a connection with her that i never felt with anyone before and eventually i felt safe enough to tell her all my innermost secrets. She couldn't have been more supportive. After several long and deep talks(and a few dress-up sessions) over the past few years i have become much more comfortable with myself and i can identify myself as TG (tho i have to admit i don't like the title) without shame. I even found the courage to tell my best friend. She didn't take it too well at first but has accepted me for me. I asked Caitlin to marry me not long ago and she said yes . I'm looking forward to the many changes this new life is gonna bring. My mother is undergoing treatment for leukemia at UCLA so for the sake of keeping her stress to a minimum i have decided not to come out to my family yet. I'm not looking forward to the reactions but i will cross that bridge when the time comes. I know i can expect to loose alot of my family and the thought of that is so depressing. I love my family and there is not 1 relative that i am prepared to loose. My fiance tells me if they don't accept me then its their loss. Well thats the problem. Its not just theirs. Its my loss too. But which is worse? Ridicule from the ones you love most or the constant torture of hiding yourself for fear of ridicule? I have lost so much sleep just trying to find that one answer. But in the end the only one that can answer that is me. Maybe it wont be as bad as i think (coming from a baptist family i can imagine some pretty harsh scenarios) But for the first time in my life i like me and i don't want to give that up. Thanks for reading
Kaitlyn
