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Karen's thoughts

A blog by KarenPayne in General

  • Entries

    261

  • Comments

    690

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    129,780

About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog

Providing my local community classes on self defense

My background includes certifications in what I call common defense that does not require years of training but does requires that my everyday students (I have professionals in military and police students). Two years ago I went under the knife to transition and after 12 plus years of teaching I put a pause on teaching. Over the past decade or so I've read about people in the LGBT community murders, bullied and so on. This gave rise to me seeking out in the past few months a place to teach that

Cold hard facts moving forward with reassignment surgery

I at no time in my life contemplated suicide which I have learned recently through more than one source (on example came from a video I mention here) that 41 percent of people going under the knife will attempt suicide. Never would I had thought that there were many who actually regretted going under the knife as told in this web site. I would think that one reason for this is that a person with regret may very well had a ill equipped therapist that was not qualified to access transgender (or ma

I blame this on hormones

I get in the shower, wash my hair which is done every week and sometimes two weeks. Stare at myself in the mirror and think, I am bored with my hair color and need to change it to simply blonde rather than blonde with a tad of brownette. So I waited until my fav salon opened, two hours later and went in, chatted with my stylist and she told me what she would do for me. Well three hours later we finished up and I am very happy with the results (need to take a picture still). Two hours is when I n

Coming of age

For so many years I would dress in the morning in tactical clothing which includes a firearm inside my trousers and a revolver at the ankle and would stay that way until bed time. Slowly this became coming home at immediately disrobing into female jeans or leggings and a female top with flats. Those days are completely gone now hurray for that other than use to taking 15 minutes in the morning to 30 to 40 minutes in the morning where the majority of this time is "what will I wear today" which tu

Two year anniversary

It’s been exactly two years to the day since gender confirmation surgery. Looking back over the past two years I’ve notice as time rolls by (especially in the past six months) I’ve assimilated well into my new life. I have, and not a conscious decision becoming removed from online forums that focus on the LGBT community yet still locally involved with a group in town and in Portland. Why bring this up? Over the years I’ve heard that many who transition physically will distance themselves from t

Regular HRT checkup and more

Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore. Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of t

Ladies restrooms

I have been using them for the past year. mostly public restrooms such as malls, restaurants and the likes. What is was surprised about was hearing women siting in the stall next too me and would say that 95% of them use the paper on the toilet to protect themselves while on contrast I would say it's almost the reverse for the men's restroom. Not that I am sitting there listening for that but for whatever reason this is the case. Anyways I always when available use the paper cover as one neve

Keeping the vagina as it should be

I have written multiple times about dilation in regards to lots of lube and yes, pain. Recently, five months after reassignment surgery I am down to a drop of lube the size of a quarter and finding intimate encounters are much better than dilation. When one has intercourse for at least 15 minutes this counts to one session of dilation. I am 90 percent into females and the remainder into couples. I became friends with a couple that had nothing to do with sex but after time did and do enjoy a thre

Emotional

Yesterday I went to visit my best female friend who unfortunately lives forty minutes north of me and does not drive. During non-peak hours it's a 20 minute drive. Any ways we were planned on going to the Portland Saturday market but I for some reason went to bed at 6:30PM Friday night and she was up dealing with an inebriated husband till 3AM in the morning. Beings I was up at mid-night and ended up texting with her the end result was no Saturday market as we both needed to take naps and ended

Girl talk at adult toy store

I was coming home from the grocery store and thought "I have not been to the toy store recently, think I will stop in for a few minutes". So I walk in, young female sales person greets me "HI how are you doing today", I replied "Great", next comes "if there are any questions or if you want something opened let me know". I said, just browsing, nothing in particular. So I first go to the female toys, about two minutes go by and she comes over and said what do you think of this? She has what looks

I am officially Karen Payne

I was concerned about my name change getting done on time as it has been 24 days since I started part two of the process and was suppose to be done in seven to ten days. Looked in the mail, nothing so I decided to head on down to the courthouse and see what was going on expecting to get a reply I was not looking for. Well I was surprised to learn it was slated to go out in the mail today. The two people work the desk pretty much got it done today and walked out as Karen Payne. Tomorrow my plan i

New cards

Just returned from obtaining my new driver license that has gender as Female with my new name then went to my bank, changed my debt card over to Karen Payne. Do I feel different, no but happy it's done Do I feel one step closer, heck yes. The two people at DMV were so nice too me Ended up not able to sleep very well last night and had a bad dream that from start to finish of the name change process I had spelled my last name wrong. Woke up and had to check my license to confirm I did not

Countdown

Six days until surgery, feeling content right now. About the only thing that is a possible issue revolve around, did I bring everything I need? Anyways I plan on keeping a journal from arrival in California through out the time I am in California to the weeks following for recovery on the blog in my signature in hopes it will help anyone else following a similar path as me. Yes I know there are plenty of entries on the web for this but each story is somewhat different than the ones prior so t

Oh what fun

So I arrive in San Francisco, love the hotel room, went out food shopping then downed to twos of A1 coffee (I tend to only drink water and coffee) and then thought, how will I get to the pre-surgery appointment tomorrow morning? Open the phone book to Taxi cab companies, there are about 20 WHAT. I call one and they said, how can I help you ma'am? I told them what I needed in the morning but got a bad feeling so I thought why not ask the front desk to see which cab company they recommended.

Some habits come back to haunt

Many years ago prior to my real life test I would go out dressed with no fear except when leaving and returning home. If I was wearing any type of heels that made noise as most do I would avoid landing on the heel and tippy toe inside my house. Have not done that for many years. So today I wear a nice pair of business style pumps and while walking along a hallway found myself tippy toe for a few steps. I thought to myself, WTF then had one of those moments "yes this was from back in the day when

Going to be interviewed

From yesterday until Thursday I am in Seattle Washington at Microsoft offices part of recognizing MVP (Microsoft Valued Professionals). This morning I "liked" one of the tweets and the woman must have looked at my Twitter profile and asked if she could interview me where the interview would be posted on one of Microsoft web sites. Of course I accepted and once the interview has been uploaded I will provide a link here but be forewarned it's geek topic    On the ways back to my hotel I was added

Over planning for surgery is best

It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery. Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually n

Be safe today

This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking. If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards. Happy Fourth!!!  

Deep waters

Many times in my past life it was difficult or nearly impossible to find common ground to convey concepts and feelings to others without a conundrum in and of itself. Things change but the world in all its vastness stays small and elusive to these matters. This is where those who are members here can find common ground and try or do make sense of the issues, emotions and trials we endure. We touch each other sometime out in the open while other times silently and deep. In my own way try and invo

New unexpected path in my journey

One of my goals as mentioned in prior post and blog entries is to share my journey which hopefully contains decent information for others travelling down the same path. Thought it would be great to attend local group sessions to share my journey too but have not as most groups in the area are 30 to 50 miles away and are on week nights so that does not cut it for my schedule. Today I get an email from my therapist writing to ask if I would sit down with one of her clients who lives in my area

Irritated

About three months ago, I contacted an acquaintance who practiced law but had to quit because of serious health problems. She indicated that I wanted to start my name change to contact her. Four weeks ago, we met for coffee and discussed the process, she asked for $100 to start working on it. Now I know some will say this is a lot but “wait for it”. The following weekend she asked me to fill out seven pages for the process. Got it done then gave it back to her. At this time, she asks for anothe

Female Voice

I have thought for some time now that my female voice was decent and will take voice lessons in the spring. Well today I was surfing through some videos online for after GRS thoughts and decided to click on one that was about male to female voice exercises. The person said to get Pitch Lab and work on keeping your voice between B flat and C sharp. I looked at the app, it’s free so I downloaded it. Afterwards upon opening it up there are a ton on in-app purchases but no need, the part I needed is

Interesting conversation this week

There is a person in my company who always talked to me prior to GRS then stopped afterwards. Finally she stopped me outside and said I have a question, "where do you get those cure outfits" So after replying we had a long discussion about my surgery and she said "you are very courageous" in how you came back to work and that you seem like you had always been female which I simply smiled. Having success with most co-workers did kind of bother me that she had not talked to me but now we are. S

Mental well-being

At my last therapist appointment, she learned that the printer was out of ink and would mail my letter out. She also mailed a copy down to Marci Bower, which I am grateful. I would have been okay if I never read the letter but just the same happy to read her assessment and fully agree with her assessment. Reading “This client is an attractive, bright 57-year old transsexual woman” made me smile. Sometime ago we discussed continual appointments after surgery. She had mentioned that some neve

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