Outcast by Description

The plight of bookworms and nerds.

Since the beginning of my transition, its been noted that I seem to have lost all of my friends. Like they have outgrown me or I outgrown them. Among those of whom I meet, I stay far away and silent. After a while, they would ask of me to speak with them, be a friend or sorts. Then for some time to pass and they commit to betrayal of some form that hinders me to ever seek friendship again. Yes, I am different. Yes, I am not known to many as ever being popular. And yes, I had no support in my transistion other than health care. Trans care is very little, most are pushed into groups, in which I find myself unable to mold into. Either I don't understand the language or slang speech used abundantly, or I say something that makes others cringe because it "sounds white" to them. So, Ive learned to keep quiet & observe. Let no one hear too much out of my mouth. Stay in the shadows. I cannot fake a voice, sashé down a street switching my hips to illict that I'm a woman, wear fancy clothes or posses a flashy bag. I'm just normal. An outcast, a loner, and think that its better that way. Why should I seek friendship or support if its going to be detrimental to my growth? I rather neither. At 42, no new friends wil ever be in my vision nor in my seeking for knowledge. Its always been better that way anyway.