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Tilly's thoughts

A blog by Tilly in General

  • Entries

    13

  • Comments

    65

  • Views

    8,905

About this blog

My thoughts about what is happening with my life.

Entries in this blog

Wondering if my marriage is salvageable.

So, I have been paying attention to how my wife acts, she doesn't even want to look at me.  She will not kiss me at all, and only reluctantly allowing me ko kiss her forehead or cheek.  As much as I love her and want her to love me for who I am, I am really wondering if there is anything left there to save.  Even before I came to the realization of why I was so uncomfortable in my skin we had only had sex a couple of times per year over the past five or so years. When I tried to snuggle int
  • Tilly

First time sleeping alone.

Tonight is the first time my wife stormed out of the bedroom when I came to bed...I'm laying here crying wondering if this is the sign that it's over...If it's best for her then so be it, I have already know that I am not wearing women's clothes just for the sake of it, nor do I want to hurt anyone just because of this.  There is just no way that I could purge just to make her happy, but it's ripping me apart knowing that I am upsetting her.  She will not even talk to me right now.
  • Tilly

The ultimatum

Well my wife actually delivered an ultimatum, if I transition, she will divorce me.  Part of me wants to just get it over with, but I totally don't want to hurt my daughter.  I don't know if spending time with friends every so often as my true self will be enough.  She knows that I cross dress when i am with them and showed serious displeasure when I try told her. I wish I could have gotten an initial appointment with a therapist before April 3.  I really need professional help. Thanks
  • Tilly

Just some more thoughts.

When my wife caught me wearing a bra, she asked me if I was going to transition.  Before that moment, I had not even considered the idea of wearing women's clothing as anything other than a dirty little secret.  At the time, I stated vehemently, "No, I had no intention of becoming a woman,"  however, her question started my mind stirring.  I have been in turmoil for the week and a half since, but I am starting to come to terms with my gender fluidity.  The more I think about it, the more I start
  • Tilly

Ambushed by Pastor

OK, probably not a unique experience here, but, on Sunday I was at the apartment I still pay rent for to discuss some things with my wife, when as I am about to leave, our pastor shows up...I know she is doing it out of love, but it felt like an intervention.  As a result of this, I had no choice but to withdraw myself from everything with my congregation as of yesterday...it's sad, but i felt it necessary.  Tilly
  • Tilly

Moving forward

Well, I ordered Pueraria Mirifica, if it works as it is supposed to, I will start to develop a bit upstairs, along with some other benefits.  When my wife notices, I have a feeling she will just leave...or kick me out.  I think I am beyond caring because I am as calm about this as I have been about anything in quite a while. I love you all, Tilly
  • Tilly

I hate hurting the woman I love.

My wife asked me flatly if I am going to transition fully this evening.  I'm not sure if she meant surgically or not, but I had to say probably.  I hate making her cry, but I couldn't outright lie to her.  The time that I spend as Tilly is the happiest and most relaxed time that I can remember recently.  But I don't know if I can handle breaking my wife's heart.  I know that if I don't do this I am lying to myself, and it will hurt me worse in the long run. Yours in emotional pain, Til
  • Tilly

24/7 but not how I might have liked.

It is official, my wife and I are now separated.  I can now be Tilly all the time except at work...I think I am going to hold off on that change until the hair can match who I am...it is at least growing fast. My folks are coming to town next weekend, they know that the wife and I are separated, but I will talk to them about why then. With all my love, Tilly
  • Tilly

A difficult conversation

Well, I came out to my wife tonight.  The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed.  She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing.  I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized what my history and current feelings were.  I was so terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I
  • Tilly

Updates

So, my life is advancing in a predictable manner.  I'm in my third month of HRT, and absolutely loving that part of my life.   My divorce is also moving forward, but with a magistrate that is spouting anti-trans bull crap from the bench as well as including some of the same in his orders.  He listed in the temporary orders how I am to dress and act when around my daughter.  My lawyer agrees with me that these topics should be between myself, my daughter, and her therapist (although she is n
  • Tilly

Moving forward,,,again

It's been a while since I wrote here, so I thought I would fill in some of what's going on...I am doing well with myself.  My folks are coming to grips with me being me, and my sister is still my biggest cheerleader. Now for the moving forward bit.  I had my annual physical this past Friday, and my doctor is sending me to an endocrinologist for the purpose of starting HRT.  I am also still thinking about surgery, and now leaning in favor of surgery. Thanks for reading my randomness. 
  • Tilly

A small intro.

Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am.  Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short.  If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better. Ok, to get started, I am Tilly.  I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things.  My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have bee
  • Tilly

A weird fantasy

OK, I had a really weird thought cross my mind today.  I said before that I was surprised when I realalized that I was crushing on my best friend, now that is gone to a new level.  While I was snuggling into him, I had a daydream pass my brain that scared me at first, then made me smile and snuggle a little closer.  I thought about taking him as a girl would.  For a second I thought I was going crazy, but then i thought, 'hey, he's a nice guy, why wouldn't I.' Again, just my odd thoughts,
  • Tilly

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