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Woke up with doubts...but...

Chrissy

Entry posted by Chrissy

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Good morning everyone,

Before I get to the main point, I have an anecdote from last week (I share this with a couple of people already) - I was going to be hanging out with my friend Mindy on Friday night, so at lunchtime I went to get some wine (to go with the nachos we were planning).  When I was at the store I heard the clerk say to me (I wasn't facing him at that moment, but I was the only customer in the store), "If you need any help maam just ask."

I woke up ridiculously early today suddenly filled with doubts.  It was bad enough that I wished I could just get up and go to the gym (unfortunately, or fortunately, the gym wasn't going to be open for another hour).

This may have been triggered by a diary entry I did last night in which I decided I should actually look head-on at the things that I fear about transitioning.  It was a little comforting when i did it (putting things concretely on paper almost always makes them seem more manageable), but I clearly put the ideas in my head, and upon waking they were bad again.  So what do I fear?  Undoubtedly nothing that almost everyone else hasn't thought of, but here is my list:

*What if I need to find a new job, how easy or hard will it be?

*Will I be able to find a relationship?

*Will my friendships really stay as strong as they are with the "new reality" (this one assumes full transition to female, anything short of that won't endanger any of my current friendships)

*Will I face other forms of discrimination, and even violence?

*Are there a bunch of things I'm not even thinking of?

*Can I even afford it?

*What if it wasn't the right choice?

Now some counterpoints (the thoughts that kept me moving this morning):

Job - my current job is pretty secure, and my employer is very good as far as non-discrimination, so hopefully finding a new job isn't a near-term issue

Relationship - I haven't had a serious relationship in about 15 years, so not being able to find one as a woman wouldn't be any worse, and if I'm finally being true to myself it might be easier

Friends - yes, my friendships will change, but they'll stay stronger (I can already see a couple of my friendships getting stronger!)

Discrimination - no real counter to this, it's tragic, but it happens and I'd have to deal with it then

Things I'm not thinking of - probably, but that's why I keep reading blog and forum entries here, and why I'm going to start going to a local support group

Cost - I either can or I can't, but I have to do as much as I can

Right choice - no matter how bad I felt having doubts this morning, I felt even worse when i thought about going back.  I still don't know how far I'll go, but there is work to do.

Which brings me back to the "maam" anecdote at the beginning.  If I have doubts I just need to remember how good it felt to hear that :wub:

 

xoxo

Christie

 

 

 

 

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KarenPayne

Sounds like you are doing the correct thing by listing out the good and bad which is critical when making the decision to move forward, stop or regress back to your binary gender. In regards to cost, when I made the decision to move forward what happen was I made the decision to take money I had simply saved for stuff and make it my surgery money. If I did not have the funds then I would had simply created a tight budget to afford the surgery. So if money is an issue and you want to move forward the best place to begin is to look at what you make each month and cut out the fat.

Cutting out the fat, for instance, for me I looked at what I was spending and realized that I spent eight dollars for breakfast. I then rearranged and now it cost me three dollars which does add up. I smoked which cost me $200 per month ($2,400 per year), yes a big savings there and it again adds up. I purchased a lot of shoes that was another cut I would make. Picking one item and looking at it in the short term does not get you much until you look at say one year’s savings. Doing this makes it easier to afford what it takes to transition.

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Chrissy

Thanks for this feedback!  One thing I'm trying to do is get as good an estimate as possible about the costs, that would make it much easier to see how I can work it.  But I do know that financially I can probably do it.  There's definitely fat in my budget (breakfast was also one that I recently worked on - i used to get breakfast out every day, now I have a couple of boxes of cereal in my office that i eat when i get here).

I also just took my next step - I emailed my closest friends to say that I'm now going by Christie ^_^

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Sara17

Hi Christie,

I think having doubts and second guessing our decisions... ANY decisions... is just part of the human condition.

That being said, this:

no matter how bad I felt having doubts this morning, I felt even worse when i thought about going back.

probably says a lot. :)

Best wishes to you,

Sara

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