Good morning wonderful people of TGGuide!

Today I have an appointment with my endocrinologist to get blood work, etc. done in preparation for HRT.  I haven't gotten the letter from my therapist yet, but it is being prepared, and she had me complete a consent form so that she can send it to the endocrinologist as soon as it's ready.  I also have an August 6 appointment with the endocrinologist, which may be (hopefully!) the day I get the prescription.

All that is just to lead in to some thoughts about depression and my overall emotional state.  I was looking back over last weekend at some older journals that I had - they go back a couple of years.  I was struck by how consistently I wrote about "feeling nothing" and how my life "felt meaningless," and on occasion how close I seemed to be to just giving it up.

I no longer have any of those feelings - but what really struck me was the fact that objectively my life hasn't changed, except for this (and I realize that's a big "except," but bear with me).  The point is that in terms of my job, my social life, my home life, etc., everything is largely exactly the same as it was (at work it may be a little worse).  But I no longer have the feeling that my life is meaningless.  I can really only attribute it to the fact that I'm now living authentically.  I noticed very early on (as soon as I openly acknowledged being trans) that my mood lifted, but it's now been months since then and nothing has changed.  Of course there's fear and anxiety about what this means for my future, but frankly that's much better than feeling nothing!

In moments when the fear and anxiety gets especially strong (which is less frequent than it was even a few weeks ago), and I wonder if I can really do it, the immediate counterthought is that I can't not do it, I know with absolute certainty that I CANNOT go back to where I was.

In the next few weeks I'm planning to put the "finishing touches" on presenting as a woman.  I feel ready for it, and the timing is particularly good in terms of work.  I work at a school and when I get back from vacation on July 27 (which is when I plan to "unveil" this at work) we start a period of a few weeks before the semester starts (and the summer session will be over), so I'll have a few weeks with things being pretty quiet here to get myself used to it before the throngs return (and believe me, based on where my office is located, I'm right in the midst of the throng, I'm not hidden off to a side).

xoxo

Christie