Mohamed Gandhi said, “Be the Change you want to see in the world.” When he said that, I don’t think he knew the power he held in those words. Or perhaps he did. The first time I heard those words, was out of my own mouth as I read them from my laptop screen on a hazy summer Tuesday night. I had researched them in an attempt to pick myself up of the ground. I tried to mimic those words in every nuance of my life ever since, but it hasn’t helped. I want to sleep all the time. Not because I’m tired, but because nobody can ruin your day when you’re asleep. That might be because it’s actually night time, when I sleep. Or it could be because I’m by myself in my own mental fortress, but I digress. In my love of sleep I have realized two things. The first is that no matter how bad I hurt, Sleep always makes me feel better. It’s like a drug. There’s something to be said for that languid ache you feel when you’ve just woken up and you’re still too asleep to think. The second thing is, sleep can be a good excuse for just being a dick. Let’s face it folks not everyone’s personalities are ideal. I'll confess to that sin later.

A lack of sleep could be the reason you’re a douche. It’s a coping mechanism. You should still probably face the inevitable truth though, someone in our great big world thinks you’re a douche. My goal in life alternates between a true passion for striving for something great and trying to own the notion that I am never going to be the perfect person. I cry a lot. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m mad. I cry when the world feels like it is trying to tackle me to the ground and beat the shit out of me. That last thing can be an everyday feeling if you let it. Don’t let it. The world is not a nice place, if you didn’t know that yet than I’m sorry to have spoiled it for you. But, as we just discussed you’re a douche. So when the world starts being a dick, start a pissing match but be professional. I was asked why I’m such a critic of Transgender Media Representation and the answer is simple. We’re like gays in the millennials. We’re trying to depict a sun shine perfect example of who we are and how we can be:" Normal" and "Sexy". To the general populous this Idea may be ideal, but I still think it sucks. It sucks because what we’re showing to the Trans population is that you should look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model or Laverne Cox. Those are some high standards. Not every woman, Trans or cis, can realistically aspire to be Laverne Cox. There can be only one.

We as a society of slightly developed Monkey people, really feel a compulsion to set standards. By set I mean inflict. We inflict our concepts of beauty on others like weapons. People get dumped or judged because they’re “Not Pretty”. What does the aesthetics of a person really do for a couple’s relationship in relation to providing for their family?  Aesthetics does not ensure survival. Why focus on it? Again I will digress. My real point in all this is to start a strange kind of dialog about life, more specifically about Shame. I started writing these to put my life into a dialog I could share with other young transmen. So here is my confession I promised at the beginning. I’m not pretty. I’m not nice. I’m Trans. I’m the realist nobody likes. I would make a promise to post these in a more sequential order but I keep forgetting to actually upload them…Sorry. Sometimes I'm too busy thinking to remember how to human being. A positive post will follow this.