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Relationships


JayM

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My first relationship was with a girl. At the time, I told myself that it was alright to be with a girl; in fact, I was supposed to be with a girl, because inside I wasn't a girl. I never told her that, though.

During my teenage years, I convinced myself it would be okay if everyone thought I was a lesbian. It was preferable to the truth. I looked female and, if I was with a female, I could play the more masculine role in the relationship. And I did. It was only years later that I realised that I had been using women in that fashion. Guilty secret.

My first relationship with a man happened when I was nineteen and at university. I never told him I had been with women. He had long blond hair and he had a slim build. He was quite feminine-looking, although I didn't think, at the time, that had an influence on me. But maybe it did.

I was also attracted to a woman named Pippa at university. She was the girlfriend of one of Mike’s friends. A year into the relationship with Mike, I discovered they had been secretly seeing each other. I split with Mike. Pippa found out that I knew and she ended her relationships with both men. And then we got together. But it didn't last long. Eventually I returned to Mike, after seeing a few people in between. I told some of those people that I was bisexual and invariably that caused problems. Issues that made me regret disclosing that aspect of me, too. I was still with Mike when I met my husband.

Looking back, I can see that none of my relationships were especially healthy. I was never very good at them. And I can blame all kinds of things for that but I know it’s me. My opinion of my own body gets in the way. I can playact at things for a while and then it gets too much to bear and I stop pretending. That means the other person in the relationship stops getting the things they need from me. And for a lot of people that’s a rejection and invalidation.

It’s funny that I know I need my own validation but I'm very good at dishing out invalidation to others. That’s wrong and I understand that now. And I also know now that I could never have received the validation I needed because my persona is based on lies and deception, because I've never really been straight with anyone.

Sometimes I wonder whether my attraction to women is real. Sometimes I wonder if I've constructed it to give myself opportunities to act out my male-role fantasies. Sometimes I wonder, because I've always been attracted to the male form even though I threw myself into relationships with women first.

And sometimes I think about something else that scares me. If I think about the possibility (an extremely remote one, I know) of undergoing gender reassignment surgery, and if I ever received the male body that I always wanted, I would still be attracted to men, first and foremost. And what gay man would ever want me, when there’s a whole bunch of attractive, real gay men out there that they could have instead? I would still be a freak. I'm always going to be a freak, no matter what my body looks like.

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In regards to GRS and relationships concerning real gay men, I believe you are on the right track with your thoughts. One time I was in a situation where intercourse was an option where there were two gay men and myself post-op and one of them made advances at me to enter me, not my vagina but my backdoor which first and foremost I am against, just not my thing. The point is sexual-wise I could be with a gay man if I submitted but zero, nothing in regards to relationship as in this situation it was all about the sex, no connection. I know and experienced friendship with gay men but nothing there relationship wise. I would guess the same would be possibly be true with your situation also but than again one never knows. Any ways I cherish my gay friends no different than my non gay friends. 

In regards to you being a freak, I don't think so but instead have less options (no different than me) for relationships. Sex is easy to come by but true and meaningful relationships are few and far between for us.

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Thank you for your comments, Karen. I have been told many times not to think of myself as a freak - and I must stop doing it - so I will take on board what you say about just having fewer options when it comes to relationships. I need to start thinking more positively. Thanks for reading.

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I agree with Karen, you're not a freak, but you sound quite confused, are you really bi-sexual or are you Transgender, or are you both? or do you want to be transgender? Most or at least many people have had confusing relationships in their early years, I almost had a gay relationship in my early teens but later the thought of being with a man, especially kissing a man turned me cold. I had many girlfreinds, but still liked to secretly cross-dress in the closet, but at all times I was attracted to females.

Now that I have embarked on being a transwoman am I now gay? - in the lesbian sense of the term, but after taking hormones for a prolonged period of time I now fantasise about penises, but not the rest of the being around the edge of the pubic area! But I suspect I'll never do anything about that fantasy.

Point is that it gets more and more confusing as time passes by and as one evolves...................I found it best to just be myself, enjoy and stop worrying.

The only constant that has been in my life over the last 5 years is my wife - now termed as partner - whom I love dearly.

I hope that this helps, by showing that you're not alone, not a freak, but just a human being............

Cheers,

Eve

 

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