Looking back from a different place

Recently for me, there seems to be new ways of looking at things, from a very much different place than was previously the case. After reading Karen Paynes recent entry "Haloween" where she looked back a year or so ago, it sparked my thoughts about the past, dressing and early transition.

I thought about those who, like I did, like to wear female clothes around the house, wearing skirts and dresses, or leggings and tops, with outrageously high heeled shoes. This was part of my earliest practical phases of transition. And today without thinking about it too much, I just seemed to automatically visualise young kids dressing up in mommy's clothes and shoes, as small children often do, especially small girls.

So what? Well it seems to me that I was doing the same exact thing a while back (maybe not with my mothers stuff though!), looking back from my present vantage point I can see that I was practising for what was to come in my life, it was part of growing up as a transwoman.

Now, at the start of my escaping "the closet" 4 years ago, I had realised that I had to go through female puberty, and as such I had thought only in terms of physical changes and social changes and challenges. I can now see that the early private dressing in the "closet" was pre-puberty.

I have always and honestly stated that I didn't feel as if I was "born in the wrong body", but that only when I look back I can see that there were signs that I was "not right" as a male, and whether or not it's the hormonal changes that I am going through, I am unsure, but it amazes me how much of my past that I can now see, and especially the sense I can now make of my past. I did used to get vague feelings as a male of what it might be to be female, but they'd soon disappear and I just thought of it being idle curiosity, and my "closet" cross dressing as a fetish.

On the other hand, perhaps my past problem was to ignore vague feelings that I didn't have some form of proof for, is this called a lack of self-belief? Whatever, I'm now happy to be on my voyage of joyful discovery............

Cheers,

Eve