I am a Woman.

A question was posted about God not answering prayer for this GID. I want to reply by saying:

If you have finally accepted who you truly are, than that enlightment may be God's answer to your prayer. It takes all of the courage in the world to deny the world but praise God for what he created in you.

I came out to my best friend of almost 20 years, He has rejected me. I knew it would happen and I can accept that. But I pity everything about him now, because of how closed he is to loving those who are different from him. It is not easy accepting changes in self and others but it is a necessary part in moving forward in life.

My life started with very innocent feelings regarding my femine qualities, than at puberty the feelings were mixed with testosterone and the changes that come with it. As I discovered sexual feeling accidentally I did become addicted at a point to sexual excitement. This excitement was always surrounded by the rare opportunities that I had to act out the real me (in fem clothes of course) The only time I felt the most like a boy would have been in those early years when the testosterone was so high. But even with my boyhood and into manhood I could never shake the very true feelings buried deep inside.

I went on to take on jobs, got married and had children, but this is how everything is unfolding now..

I am going to list all of the things that make me a woman and when taken together I think it will be obvious to anyone, what is really going on.

-My mother had been on heavy doses of estrogen before she got pregnant with me.

-My mother loved me so much, she always considered me a miracle baby

-She would never have any more children because of the estrogen treatment

-She contracted breast cancer at 55 and died from it at 58.

-I almost died as an infant from complications.

-I was deeply loved and probobly spoiled by my parents

-My parents raised me in the catholic church and were devout moral people.

-My parents were excellent parents.

-My parents gave me many opportunities to explore life

-My parents had an intense fear of rejection from the outside world

-My parents had great trouble accepting abnormal things because my parents were very simple people.

-I have always been a complex person and I gave my parents as much frustration as I did enjoyment because of my intensity and analytical methods.

- My father was a provider but a perfectionist

- My mother was everything to me and a collector of things

- I looked up to my father and always found him to be handsome.

- I looked up to my mother and felt she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

So now here is the list of what makes Me a woman

Since Birth

-I have always been attracted to good looking men like my father

-I have never acted on these feelings and don't intend to currently

-I have always been intensely attracted to women but wished so to be like them: not in as much in a sexual way but more of a deep friendship expressed by holding hands, kissing and hugging. Later in Puberty I made the sexual connection but it was not as important as the other things in life.

-As a little child I did not know about sex and I am happy for that, it kept me innocent a little longer

-I always loved color, give me all the color in the world. The rainbow was one of my most favorite pictures to draw.

-I have always loved the softest things on my skin. Silk, Rayon, Cotton. I wore holes in my blanket out by petting it so much.

-I loved playing with toys, but my favorite toys were the girs toys especially barbie, the make believe kitchen set, games involving fantasy, dollhouses, dolls, I loved all of it. The sad thing is that I never told mom. I was scared. I learned to accept the boys section and enjoyed what I could from it. I rarely ever bought toy guns and my very favorite toy of all was Legos. I loved to create my own world. And I loved pretending I was a real live girl.

-I always looked in the girls and womens sections for everything in store catalogs.

-Every day of my life I have gone to bed wishing I would wake-up a physical woman.

-I have lived the life of a man and that's what people see. But I really don't understand men because I am not one.

-I desperately wanted to be in dance recitals. I gave up because I could not wear the clothing that was correct for my gender identity.

-I loved hanging around the girls.

-90% of my friends were girls.

-I wanted to be with girls since birth it was not forced on me

-I did not really even like hanging around boys until puberty

-The boyfriends I had were a lot like me

Brian, Bob, Andy, EH, Andy G

-I have always fit in perfectly around woman

-Deep tendency for gossip

-temptations of envie and revenge

-Attractions to material things, trinkets, collectibles etc.

-Love for Nostalgia

-Romantic

-Always wanting to be the girl that could fit the glass shoe

-I am deeply offended by pornography

-I always want to be the woman when I did see Pornography

-I am a deep spiritual thinker

-I am sensitive

-I am emotional

-I am motherly (though this has definately been repressed)

-I am empathetic

-I love shopping and all that goes along with it

-I love beautful clothing

-I always go to a salon to cut my hair and this is what I want

-I love the ballet and other dance recitals

-I love the theatre and acting

-I always wished to be a ballet dancer.

-I wished that I could have been in a wedding dress at my wedding

-I identify with both Jesus and Mary, but have always freely prayed out to God directly.

-I have never had sex with anyone other than my wife

-I was a virgin until I was 24 years old

-I hated asking girls on dates, I was always too shy

-I have always felt embarassed to have to sometimes be in public without a tshirt on.

-I always sit down to go to the bathroom

-I hate going into the mens bathroom

-I use a stall whenever possible

-I am extremely nervous in the mens bathroom

-I do not trust men

-I fear what men often do to women

-I express myself naturally in feminine ways

-When I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I hide my penis to see things how it should be

-I am very creative

-I am extremely musical

-I love everything about the Arts.

-Cleaning the house and chores are very natural for me

-I love to cook but have been repressed in that area for years.

-I have no desire for hunting, and hate even kiling flies

-squiggly squirmy animals make me jump out of my seat

-I would scream a lot if my vocal chords aloud it.

-I loved reading Gone with the wind and Identified totally with Scarlet Ohara

-If I got into reading love novels I would never put them down

-My greatest turn on is that which is poetic and in words

-A well written greeting card will easily make me cry.

-I cry easily in movies

-I cry often for no reason

-I enjoy romantic movies, but I always Identify with the girl

-Being a girl is natural for me it takes very little effort.

-I am not embarassed being dressed as a girl, I just fear what other people think of me.

-Styled hair, make-up and colorful clothes, always make me feel better and prettier

-I like to be pretty

-I like to serve others

-I can't stand just giving people directions I have to get involved

-I always wanted to be a housewife

-I desperately wanted to actually give birth someday.

-I am never comfortable in mens groups made up of real men.

-I am uncomfortable around most gay men unless they exhibit soft female traits.

-I absolutely love hugs and could never get enough

-I have a heart extra heart beat that only corrects itself when my wife holds my hands or connects with me in some other way.

- I loved to be touched and stroked. I have very sensitive skin

-I love to have all areas of my body touched gently

-I experience very intense and sometimes prolonged orgasms

-I feel love for many people and compassion even for those who do not like me.

-My greatest prejudice is against those people who are so disgusted of me.

-I absolutely love baths

-Shaving my legs and body hair is very natural for me

-I hate the hair on my body

-I have some breast development and I welcome it.

-I am fond of my legs, eyes, mouth ears, and my nose is a little big but still lovable

-I have always been uncomfortable with my penis and my greatest dream is to have it turn into a vagina.

-The penis is in the way of a lot of natural interest that I have. Ballet, Gymnastics, Ice Dancing, Swimming, Bicycling, and Horse back riding.

- I want to experience more in life before I get to old.

-I love my children deeply in a very motherly way.

-I have not rejected being a male, I have never been one.

-Transition to a Female seems like a natural thing to do the science wasn't there years ago. it was only a dream.

-Every day I have dreamed about having my mind and body match

-I am not sick

-You cannot change my mind without killing me (then my feminine soul will move on)

-If you want to pray for a miracle, pray that I wake up in a female body.

-I am willing to die before I would ever deny my true self again.

What normal balanced man would have the above feelings.

I would like to know how a real man would describe his life experience...

I was considering one final possibility in this conflict of mine. If society accepted people like us as simply different, my internal struggles would not be as significant. The only difference between myself and a XX woman is the outside package.

As of now I am a beautiful woman on the inside of a male package. If society uses what is between the legs for its segregating than the only real solution for me is surgery. I have no problem with it accept that it would be a shame to loose the sexual feeling down there if things go wrong. However, I have enjoyed a lot of sex in the past and to me I would rather spend 90% of the rest of my days enjoying being a complete woman rather than 90% of my time wishing I could be. I desperately want room down there as well. Rid myself of the discomfort forever.

As for family and friends. If they do not accept me, then they unfortunately are the ones with the problem. There is nothing else I can say. I have been spending so much time trying to fit in as a male that it has caused my body to finally give up. My mind seems to be producing its own estrogen, telling me that it is finally time to let go of the pain and start to live out the person I really am.

As I say goodbye to the outer shell of who I was. I will still be the same on the inside. However I will be having new experiences on the outside that will allow me to experience more friendship with the ones I love. I long to be with other women, they are my source of love and companionship, being in the wrong body inhibits my abilities to make this connection with them. As for men, I really never made many friends with them anyway. I'll keep the ones I can connect with and forget the ones that don't care about me, just the way it happens in real life.

As for my wife. I will never stop loving her. If she still sees the person she needs to see on the outside regardless of my physical changes, I see no reason to break ties with that commitment. I love her very very much.

I have shared many words today but they are straight from the heart. I must let go of the pain and give it all up to God, for he loves me as a I am, my spirit, the Woman in Me.

Amie