This Blog is to give support to those who have carried heavy guilt and shame their whole lives because many religions and cultures suggest we are disordered and an insult (abomination) to God. What follows "coming out" to a fundamentalist is the idea that God might work a miracle; that some how ones brain will magically become different and see things the way "normal" people do. In these next paragraphs I write for those of you who are troubled because you have lead good lives and worked hard to be the best you can be and yet because of this "one" thing we feel incomplete, secret and maybe even a little ashamed. The thoughts of wanting to right something that is wrong often dominates at least some portion of every day and at some times every moment of our life.

Many of you have begun to realize that there is nothing to fix on the inside. Rather, by re-working the outside package we better reflect what is on the inside. But when we try to do this we are often faced with rejection or just the fear of rejection from a culture that does not understand.

To me there is a similarity between "transition" and that of buying an old house or moving to a different apartment. Sometimes we redo our home by just re-painting rooms, and redecorating, other times we literally tear down walls. Some homes have so much work to do that we realize we will be taking each project according to priority a little bit at a time. Other times when time is limited and may go for a major reconstruction and rebuild from the ground up. Whatever the case our reason for doing all of this work is to make the home fit us and our personality. We want to be comfortable in a place where we sleep, work, and entertain at day after day after day.

If you have finally reached the point where you understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are on the inside then you are well on your way to inner healing.

Since most of us care what people think, we are constantly kept from reaching our full potential because of what a few people might say. When you reach a point in your life when you think you have heard it all, suddenly you recognize that if everyone left you today, it would just be you and God if you have that spiritual connection. If all you have is yourself, who are you then, what makes you happy.

I have believed in God my whole life. I pray every day to God in my own way. All of my prayers have been answered over the years, I think because of what I ask for: usually wisdom, strength, learning the real meaning of the word love, help in making decisions in life, self-esteem issues, peace of mind, longing for tears, etc., getting answers to some really big questions that I know only God has the real answers to.

I recently specifically asked God to help me find out who I really am. I asked God to help me with this identity crisis. I immediately started writing a diary which help me get the thoughts out and then God helped me by leading me to people who have had a similar experience as myself; through this website.

Two weeks ago I thought I was alone. Now I know there are more like me. We are troubled, we fear, we worry, we are anxious, we are excited, and we are sometimes severely depressed. Together we help one another see how our similarities and our differences come together to represent a new complex being. We are different and yet the same. We are special and unique with gifts and talents yet to be discovered if we are allowed to be free.

Earlier in my life I wondered about whether or not I should "Transition" to the gender I identified with. The thoughts never really left me and I continued to remain silent to the people in my life. Now years later I realize I have always been in transition. As to how far this transition will go, is yet an unknown, but I do know that however it turns out in the end, I will have the loving touch of God to comfort me.

What has really been helpful for me spirtually was to separate the purely sexual behavior (and often explicit material that can be associated with this issue) from the more innocent spiritual side of things. I found that much of the secret feelings and unhealthy deceptiveness began to diminish when I finally accepted myself as simply different. I realized it was necessary for me to let the person inside me be a part of the real world. It is the many little risks in life that prove to be good or bad only when you have actually put them to the test.

Before "coming out" to any difficult person, one needs to know in their heart what is right, between you and God. When you have resolved the person you are to yourself and feel accepted by your own moral self, you are no longer looking for opinions. Once the inner conflict is resolved and you know God accepts you. At that point, when you share yourself with the real world, you begin to find out who your real friends are.

The research I have done into Gender Identity Disorder has helped me realize some facts about myself.

I am a very sensitive person who tests and identifies completely with the female gender. Because I have a male body, people expect me to identify as a male. It is their expectations that caused me to take my feelings to the closet and repress this feminine self for many years. I became disconnected with myself, unhappy and even suicidal at various times of my life. As terrible as the roller coaster ride was I seemed to be able to pick myself up over and over again. Constantly trying so hard to be somebody that I was not.

But the mind cannot handle this forever. Sure, the outside world thinks the problem is solved, because they don't have to see the brokenness, they don't have to look at, what for them may be weird and out of place. Instead you live in anxiety the rest of your life and your own rejection of self begins a process of degeneration to your whole body from the inside out.

My transitioning started years ago as a baby from day one, when I stroked my favorite super soft baby blanket to when I played house with my friends, my first tap dance recital, when I first put on girls clothes, to when I got my first perm at a salon at 11 years old, to when I first shaved my legs. Every other year or so I became more and more comfortable with the little hints of feminine that I could accept in myself as being Ok for me.

Eventually all of these little changes I was making in myself added up and I realized that I was still alive. I still had friends, and most people never said a thing or didn't even notice. Currently I am almost completely dressing the way I want. Until two years ago, I had much guilt and shame about my secret and I would purge everything once in a while thinking I was cured forever. Finally, this year, I was able to realize that I would not be cured. God did not make a mistake with me. I am different but no less human then anyone else. There were plenty of other things in my life where I could find my sins, but this GID was not one of them.

We are living in a society that can finally give us the chance of a little added protection from abuse and discrimination. How we approach what is going on with us to others will have long term effects for generations to come. I have come out to my oldest child of 14 years and he accepts me brokenness and all. He doesn't completely understand yet but he knows that if he has something he wants to share with me in the future I will be there for him.

Everyone on this site who has written posts is helping me realize what a process this is. One day at a time.

Thank you everyone for sharing. I hope you will find a similar comfort in your life from the wonderful communications on this website.

Amie