Okay, I will admit and submit to my foolhardy wish for winter. Yes, I did crave a nice snowfall. Some nice puffy snowbanks would have been nice, ON CHRISTMAS. But now that it's Janurary, the sudden drop of -3F weather and ice covered everything is getting really old. It's not that I dont like the cold (hell, I've been going to work in my work sweater and work boots as my only bundling up causes lol) But the fact that it rained directly afterwards and coated everything in inch thick ice is really old. I didnt buy winter boots this year because I didnt feel I needed them. Realistically, I still dont think I need them, considering I'm wandering on ICE and not five feet of snow that we usually have by now.

ANYWAY, Enough of my whining XD Things have been alright over here for the most part. Rather non-dramatic unless you count the chaos going on with my baby brother Kai. I'm so lost as to what to do to help him. CLEARLY he's not safe with my mother, but I cant take him here either. I'm not a legal guardian, plus I live with my boyfriends family so I really cant just pick him up and say 'live with me'. I dont own the place and it wouldnt be right. Plus he's still doing school and whatnot. But I could SO EASILY turn my mother in to the state....

I finally got the whole story on what was going on. Kai is depressed, that much is obvious. I feel so bad because there's nothing I can do about it because he lives so far away from me. He has next to no friends aside from who is on the internet, and he cant talk to them very often because my mom lives off the grid. Literally. They have no running water, no plumbing, and the only electricity they get is when it's windy and powers their windmill. They live 2 miles up a one-way dirt road with no neighbors and in the middle of no where. That's how my mom likes it. She's lived in places like that every since my dad died, and dragged us kids along with it. She tells people how happy her family is and how great everything is and how much her kids LOVE living in those areas. It couldnt be farther from the truth but no one gives a damn! I want to go on her profile and rant and rave SO BAD about how [BAD] of a mother she is, and let people see the truth of her PERFECT FAMILY. But they all think I'm the crazy one anyway so they'll think nothing of it  It's so frustrating!!!

Anyway, Kai was extremely depressed and all my mother seemed to care about was the fact that the dishes werent done. So Kai...tried committing suicide by cutting. And when my mother got involved and found out what was going on, instead of sitting down and trying to be sympathetic and help, she said this....

"If you're going to kill yourself, fine. But I have three requests. Dont do it in front of your brother, Dont blame it on me, and Do a good job with it because I'm not taking care of you if you turn yourself into a vegetable."

ARE YOU  KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!? YOU DONT TELL A SUICIDAL CHILD TO GO AHEAD AND DO IT AND MAKE SURE THEY SUCCEED!!!

I'm so lost...I want to call DCF and tell them about Kai's lack of schooling, the abuse, the suicidal tendancies.....But what would happen from it? Mom would know who told them depending on who she'd told this information, and then what? I'd be banned from seeing Kai, or Kai would go to a foster home (and wouldnt last 10 minutes on his own there), or they'd just leave it be and Kai will either commit suicide or my mom will beat him to death. She claims she's not abusive but I know better from my own personal experiences! She's beaten near every one of us kids, and although none of us had broken bones from it, the emotional and physical trauma she's caused is NOT small! I dont know what to do to help....If I call someone, Kai will be in danger. If I DONT call someone, Kai STAYS in danger...I'm so lost ;( 

In other news...Apparently Alex is becoming rather popular on facebook (which is okay i guess) and I've been so tired and stressed lately that I just let him take over 80% of the time. But now that we've become (unfortunatly) aware of more than just him in there, life's getting hectic. So apparently (according to someone else I'll mention) there are five. Including Alex. One of which is a female, who we've named Abby. (She said she didnt have a name and wanted one so Alex and my friend Destinee named her). She's....interesting. And frustrating. Very feminine and insists on trying to put make up on me or wearing feminine things and it drives me crazy  Sometimes I wanna strangle her, she's so annoying! Alex tollerates her but I think he feels the same way. She's fronted a few rare times but never for more than an hour. Thankfully. But there is one other I'm aware of that almost costed me my relationship last night. Justin (my boyfriend) and I went to the theater to watch Star Wars. (No spoilers, but fantastic movie! BUT, be prepared for a disappointment as well.) After the movie, we went out to eat and sometimes (especially if he's hungry and tired) Justin gets kinda cranky. He was getting annoyed at the restaurant/pub because the food was taking a long time after we waited 20 mins to be seated, and he had to go and put more quarters in the meter so we wouldnt get a parking ticket. So he was reasonably annoyed. But I sort of dozed off and felt a switch coming on, but assumed it was just Alex so I let it go and didnt think much of it. Apparently it wasnt Alex, it was someone else. (Lesson learned: ask first, switch after.). This one is apparently younger than me, more timid, male, and almost has a childish sort of attitude. Like a submissive "Little". He apparently was upset about Justin's attitude and when Justin got up to use the restroom, he showed obvious signs of not feeling comfortable and was all pouty or something. A couple who sat at a table nearby (gay couple, maybe they felt sympathetic because we looked like a gay couple ((in my mind we are, in justins we're not.)) ) wove for him to come sit with them instead, probably assuming we were in an abusive relationship. AND HE ALMOST DID! He was going to get up and go sit when them instead and ignore justin completely!!!!! UH, NO!?!?

Thankfully Alex took over and prevented it and told me about it after. This whole MPD thing is getting out of hand!!! I dont want to see a therapist and have meds shoved down my throat but if this keeps progressing and getting worse, I'm not gonna have much of a choice. I'm gonna have to go  It's stupid because this stuff usually happens when life is stressful and traumatic right? I dont feel traumatized! Granted, I'm slightly stressed about the Kai thing, but I thought Alex and I had it under control! Ever since taking those muscle relaxants to try and sleep, this has gotten worse. There are nights when I cant even sleep because all I hear is inaudible noise from everyone talking up there. Its driving me crazy!!!

In other news.....I finally organized my penguin collection lol. I have a small shelf area (two actually, one atop the other) of penguin things. Cups, figurines, an adorable penguin musical thing, boxes, snowglobes and etc. But one thing I've also collected a lot of over the years with christmas and birthdays is STUFFED PENGUINS! LOOOOOVE it but I only really sleep with one in particular; the first one I ever got. It was a gift from Justin when we went to see real penguins for the first time. I named him Jack and he sleeps with me lol He's an African Penguin (Jackass penguin. No joke, it's the actual nickname on account of their braying noises). But I now have fourteen other penguins and some are NOT small. One is even three feet tall! All have names, because I'm pathetic XD.

But I bought a shoe organizer thing that you hang on the wall and so they all have their spots hanging above my bed. Love it. It's the little things  

Anyway, my brain is killing me (Headaches for the past three weeks. Not sure what from but sometimes I literally hide in bed all day because it's legit throbbing >.< )

Love and Respect to all you ppls,

Stay safe,

Ren