Dreams have a way of telling you things right? Well it'll be nice if everyone were like Daniel from the book of Daniel, and just naturally interpret them at the drop of a hat. For I wasn't gifted in that area, *sighs* along with other things like discernment. But things have a way of working themselves out I guess. Anyway, I had this dream last night, and it was really nice for the fact that I prayed to God to literally tell me in a dream if it was "ok" to transition and just be who i am, for I am as you guessed it by now, pretty spiritual. Not religious, spiritual. I have a relationship with God, or try to anways, instead of looking over my shoulder to see if he's going to hit me. I sometimes feel that way too, so don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm totally afraid of what God could do to me when I do this. So I asked him. And this is what I viewed as his little "heavenly sent revelation maker".

I was at this really fancy out doors party. I had a gf for some reason and I was in my male body dressed in fem attire. Well, she guided us to this dinner table as I was watching everyone just give me this look of puzzlement, like they couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. But I was walking with my gf of two minutes when we came to our table. Remember the gay guy from As Good as it Gets? Well he was there, with HIS wife, gf, sister, or something just sitting there waiting for us to come by so he could finally meet me. We just talked and ate for awhile, but the scene switched to us leaving and I got caught up behind for some reason, and was left alone with everyone just looking at me as I was walking to look for them. This group of men were sitting outside just checking me out. One of them came to me and said, "Dang babe, give me a ring you pretty thing!" And I turned around and started to walk away. Then he caught up with me and stopped in front of me. He started talking to me about something, as if we'd been friends for a long time or something. Then the unexpected happened. He slapped me across my face! And walked away. So I was left alone in my hoodie, put my hands in my pockets, and walked off on the verge to tears. Then I woke up! That's it. I know it's not much but that was my dream. But I think I know what it means. Some of it anyways. And it all started today.

Today I was pretty much put to shame by one of my friends. If you read my first blog you would know that I am a musician singer songwriter, and I sing my own songs as a guy. So my friend sees me as this soon to be found artist who has great potential to do something great with my life music wise. He doesn't like the fact that I want to be a girl tho. Even tho I told him it's not the case that I want to be anything. It's simply the fact that I just am. Well we were drinking some Cape Cods, those that don't know what those are, it's just vodka and cranberry juice. Which is very tasty if made just right, i might add:) Anyways we got to the point of me, as Kate. I used to refer myself as two people, cause it made me feel better that I had no control over my situation, making it easier to just accept that I am who I am cause of this girl inside of me wanting to live the rest of my life. I would also state that this person that they see is just a society formed individual who shoved the real me down as far as he could so as to be accepted by the world. This is just how I felt. It's a bit different, but I'm still like learning, so hand me a frickin' bone here:p learning how to explain it I mean, btw. Anyways he can't and never could accept the fact that I wanted to " fix" my situation. So last night we were drinking and we got on the subject of my transitioning and how it could effect him as a heterosexual man. He said a certain thing that really hit home. "How are you going to make money as Kate?! Nobodys going to accept a freak, man! Screw Kate! (which wasn't the exact words he used) She's going to screw up your life! You need to start thinking about what you want and what she wants!" I mean it was a really harsh way of putting it but he was right about one thing. He literally slapped me in my face with reality, and I was on the verge to tears. I told him I just wanted to be me. And he told me to just do it in my "private time". I couldn't imagine redoing the closet transgender sharade my whole life, no offense to you if you are, it's just not something that I want:( But I DO need cash flow, and I DO need to plan a future for myself. My plans as a guy were to be a musician and somehow pursue "my" dream to become famous or something. Haha. I realize how horrible that plan is, btw. I quit school, high school, and never went back. I mean if I go back, which i am definetely going to, I would rather go as myself than to lie to another 100,000 people or so. (I exagerate a bit) Seeing how it will be another change for me, and the career path that I choose to take. Which I personally believe that my feminine side brings the best out of me. I mean as a still closeted guy I wasn't even considering finishing high school better yet college. But I am now, and I think it would be a good move. They'll be new experiences, new friends, and I will have a very wide selection of things to consider doing for the rest of my life. But is that throwing the first dream that I am allready ready for away? I must tell you, I have recording agents wanting me from a handful of places. And they aren't small, plus I'm not bragging, I'm simply telling you what I am willing to sacrifice for my dream (no quotes:p)

So I think that's what the dream was about. Feeling alone cause I chose friends that were oblivious to what I was going thru and just left me in the dust? I don't know. It's more the fact that I felt sad and alone cause I felt like I was the only person like that at the party period. And I am. I wake to face only me in the mirror. Not the person I am happy to be, but it doesn't take away the fact that's who I am right now, or at least percieve to the world. It's like that old saying, "work with what you got". I will always feel alone in places where there isn't anyone there that has the slightest idea what I'm going through! I can't explain it to everyone I meet. It just brought some deep thought to what I was allready thinking. That dream I mean. I just jumped in this new life as quick as I could. I mean as soon as I knew, I was telling anyone I could get ahold of that would be the most receptive, that i was trans. I was proud at first. But now it's all of this work and heartache of loads I haven't even seen yet! But like all of you I am willing to take my "cross" and live the life I want to live, regardless of what happens. Things are easier said than done tho, wouldn't you agree?