All i can say really is that I wish life was a WHOLE lot simplier.

Recently I went to my brothers wedding (sadly as a male) and the wedding was great, the whole time I had a good time and it was nice to just let loose for a change and not really worry about all the problems in my life in general and with transitioning. Afterwards later that night I got a chance to reflect on everything and it made me really depressed. I have always enjoyed being with my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) and I just feel into a depression wondering how they would accept me (if at all) once i transition. Its scary to know that my mom and dad are supportive yet at the same time the rest of my whole family (brother included) could not be. So I started thinking the worst case scenerio where no one accepts me and the only connection I have to my family is through my mom and dad. I know many others also go through this and it sucks. I can't NOT transition just to keep a relationship with my whole family because then I myself am not truely happy. Ugh its just so frustrating.

A few days after that all happened, I found out from my job that I was going to return to my orginal job. Not because I had done anything wrong or did a bad job, but just because I was the only one reliable enough to handle the job. The hours SUCK because there are no set hours, I get 32 hrs all on 3rd shift and am on call the other days which could be 1st or 2nd or 3rd shift. It throws my whole sleeping schedule off and makes me angry because then I can't really do anything because I am on call all the time. And the absolute WORST thing is because I am paid at the places where I work, I am basically getting a 3 dollar an hour pay cut. That is the absolute worst thing because right now I am still able to afford everything (somehow) and have a little money left over. It will become super tight on finances if I do not negotiate a raise because, lets face it, transitioning isn't cheap. While waiting to talk to my HR person about my situation, I started going around and applying at a lot of other places (some even as tiffany). I have yet to hear anything back from any place but I am hoping to hear something by next week.

I haven't came online lately because Ive just become really frustrated with so many things that some of the little things have really set me off into a bad mood. I haven't been sleeping well and it could be for a variety of reasons, possibly my finances or the fact my doctors appointment for hormones is coming up or my job or this whole "double life" i've been living for the past um-some years is really starting to weigh on me.

I feel like everything is just moving so fast around me. The next couple months are rediculously busy for me because it seems like everyone wants to do things in the fall. I have a bunch of family trips coming up, looking at schools to go back to in order to get my CNA or something, birthdays (mine and others), and i feel like the first time Ill finally get a weekend to myself itll be either halloween (which ill probably have to work during) or the weekend before thanksgiving. I know everyone says you should take time for yourself but it feels like its IMPOSSIBLE. I can't just turn real life off and say "im taking a day for myself" because well to me thats extremely rude to others. Another problem with being over scheduled is the fact that I am already dreading how I am going to afford the holidays. Like I feel like I am a passenger in a car that the driver is going dangerously fast and I can do nothing to stop it.

Im hoping that things start to settle down like I thought they would after my brothers wedding and maybe my working 3rd shift will actually be better for me because I'll have a chance to really enjoy the night time and being by myself instead of surrounded by people.