I'd like to start by saying that I am deadnaming myself here. I hope that does not offend anyone here. You see, I don't think of myself as Rick any longer, that is past. But I believe, no matter who we are, we owe thanks to who we were yesterday; last week; last month; last year and so forth.  So please read on an remember I am referencing someone who I am very fond and proud of, even if he no longer exists. Thank you.

Soliloquy to Rick

Sitting comfortably one evening, I reflect on the debt I owe Rick for preparing me for what was to come. Without his courage and tenacity, I would not be here, and he would have inevitably fallen into deep despair. You see, a great tragedy had befallen Rick even before he was born. No one knew that of course, but an unfortunate twist of fate had cursed this child to a lifetime of torment in ignorance.

Rick grew up a good soul, in a good family with honorable values. That family had its share of tragedies though. By the time Rick was 5, he had lost his mother. Little did he know how that would affect him, and how much he would need her, only to be left with no one to fill that role. Perhaps if she had lived, Rick may have been able to avoid what was to come, but we will never know. Each of his siblings and his father had to deal with their own pain as well. The grief caused some to rebel, some turned to substances to quell the pain, and others to work to forget.  But Rick did not understand why his mother had been taken away. 

After his Mother’s death, Rick became emotionally empty, never being able to fill the void left behind. He learned he must be strong, so he built walls to hide any thoughts and emotions that might be too painful or shameful, especially with his family and twin brother. External normalcy became his façade. He himself could not face the pain so he tucked it away in a hidden part of his subconscious. It was then, early in life Rick had learned to develop defense mechanisms. It was a way to move on without ever having to confront the pain and emptiness that festered inside, to feel safe.

But soon thereafter, he felt something wasn’t right. He had no cohesive thoughts or words to explain what was wrong. Even if he had found the words, he could never have shared them out of fear of rejection. No, these feelings and thoughts were wrong. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Why was he drawn to things like female clothing? Why was he so jealous of the girls he knew? He tried his best to make it go away, hide it inside his emotional walls with the emptiness he still could not face, tormented by feelings he could not control, nor eradicate. The more he tried to dismiss them, the stronger they became. A force burned deep within him. Embers smoldering, like a dormant volcano. 

Rick was a good person, a strong person, and he tried his best, but he was flawed. All his strength and intelligence couldn’t stop him from succumbing to that force. It was soft at first, like a distant echo on the wind. He tried everything he could to make it go away, but no matter what he did, it never left him. He tried to be the person that everyone expected, a man, a husband and a father. He felt like this would finally cure him. But he failed miserably.

As an adult, that prenatal joke from so long ago had moved from his subconscious to his conscious thoughts. He finally found love in a wonderful selfless woman and her family, but he could no longer hide his torment from himself. As he grew emotionally, his prison walls were beginning to weaken. But he had to hide his secret from everyone he loved, even at the expense of a growing guilt on top of everything else. It must be hidden, it’s shameful, horrid too. No one would ever understand, and why should they, he hadn’t been able to grasp it himself. He lived a very lonely adult life, even with a house full of people who loved him and great friends. He fought back the emptiness from his youth by spending as much time alone as he could to help ease his growing anxiety. That deep down true essence of his spirit was stirring, and he felt that growing presence in his soul. He was frightened, but he couldn’t stop it from coming. Like trying to stop the concentric rings from flowing when a pebble is dropped in a pond, the fight was futile.

Over the years those echoes of whispers became stronger like a dog whistle, murmurings that only he could hear. “I’m coming. You have suffered long enough. I am ready to take over and weather the storms in your future, and to be strong for your loved ones, because I love them too. It’s time to give you the liberation from the chains that bound you, free to live honestly and openly”.  

Finally, after six decades, Rick found the courage to face his torment and pain. He stood tall and brave, no matter how painful, knowing he could lose everything. Even against those odds, he took a deep heroic breath and stepped aside as Rick’s authentic identity, a strong and confident female presence emerged. Slowly at first, like an actor peeking through a curtain to see what the audience was like. Eventually she was ready to take over. Not even sure of a name, she fought valiantly to right the tragic mistake perpetrated on her before birth.

She stood tall and declared herself Rachel. Rachel had been fighting her own battles, and the challenges were many, but with the support of her loved ones, her courage and bravery kept her moving forward. She knew that to face adversity she would need dignity and grace.

So here I sit, my tremendous and never ending gratitude goes out to Rick. He fought insurmountable odds, never giving up his survival until he had fulfilled his prophecy, and brought forth the true spirit from within. That cruel tragedy was finally made right.

I will never forget him. He can rest now.