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11/27/2014 I was up late the night before talking to my sister more about what I've been going through these past two and a half months. She just listened, didn't ask many questions. Looking back I wonder if I kind of lost her in the conversation. But I let her know what I'm feeling inside, some of the things that I talked to the therapist about. And let her know that if I don't get on top of this, I will probably need to transition. I think she understands but did not know what to think. I'm sure that hearing this from her older brother is strange. We talked about one of the reasons why I have not transitioned, that it is tough to be a woman. They (we) are judged so much by how we look, weight and appropriateness of attire. Women are actually more verbally critical than men, though men do judge more quietly. Anyways, it is constantly feeling like one is or needs to be on display just to go to work, shop, etc. I plan over the next several months or so, trying to get out more, so that I can engage more socially will other non-tg's, get used to getting dressed and wearing appropriate clothes, etc. Just so I know how to handle myself with grace. I am going to need to learn how to do this regardless of what happens. 11/28/2014 We spent most of the day driving back from my mom's. It gave me a lot of time to think. I am thankful for so much, that I sometimes worry about any future decisions to transition. Mentally, I have to stop doing this so that I can give myself an honest assessment of where I am at and what I should do without imposing barriers. Remove the barriers and focus more on what I should do or need to do. At my support group, there was someone there that said, "sometimes you just need to be a bulldozer". I think that recognizes the fact that I will never come to terms with all of these mental barriers I impose on myself and I just need to plow ahead. Plow ahead to what is more my question right now. --Lisa

I have this thing for acronyms made out of names. Here's one for my transgender name. I only added the number on my user name to differentiate from others named Jennifer. J is for just. I want to be a just and fair person like Jesus was and still is. I aim to follow the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do for you. The first E stands for encouraging. I want to encourage--not force--people to accept the unconditional love of Christ and the reason he bled and died for us. He knows what we struggle with. The first of the N's simply means nice. I am striving to be a nice and pleasant person. I can get mean-spirited, but I am not happy being that way. I'm a work in progress, and the Master helps me. N number 2 means nonjudgmental. I'm working on that one, because I'm not the Judge. That job is Jesus' and His alone. I is for inspirational. I want to positively inspire the people around me. I love it when I can do it in a positive manner. Forgiving is the F word in this list. Jesus is the perfect example of that. Easier said than done, I know, but I want to do better. When he was bleeding to death, Jesus said "Father forgive them. They know not what they do" The second E is for enduring trials. Life gives us unpleasant things to deal with, no matter who we are and what we believe or don't believe. I need help in dealing with bad things without falling to pieces. Please help, dear Lord. Finally, R means reverencing the Lord. I owe Him my utmost respect. He's done more for me than I deserve, even before I was ever born. Even in the midst of my own struggles and confusion, I look to Him for the way through. I hope this lifts and inspires all who read. I love you all, and Jesus loves you more. Blessings and peace on everyone.

About three months ago, I contacted an acquaintance who practiced law but had to quit because of serious health problems. She indicated that I wanted to start my name change to contact her. Four weeks ago, we met for coffee and discussed the process, she asked for $100 to start working on it. Now I know some will say this is a lot but “wait for it”. The following weekend she asked me to fill out seven pages for the process. Got it done then gave it back to her. At this time, she asks for another $300, which covers the $111 fee and her time. What she plans on doing is handling the process start to finish. She said, last Thursday she needed to met with me again. I have not heard a peep from her. Last night I pined over how much time it would take if she contacts me this week and could not sleep thinking about after submitting three documents and posting one in the court room I needed yet another two weeks to complete the process. I decided today screw it and begin the process myself as the money is not that important but still peeved she did this. Took about 30 minutes to fill out forms, pay the fee and post a document on a corkboard. My date to start the next process is 12/14/2014. Then another two weeks followed by Social security then drivers license. This is what I need to get done before I head off to California. In retrospect I should had done this myself but thought that giving her my business we both get something out of this. Personally I am the type of person who gets to appointments early, when a friend needs help I give it and know full well that others are not always the same. Any ways I needed to write this out as it truly has been bugging me and helps a little to write this out. Good news is I am back on track rolling along like a unstoppable freight train. End of rant.

Since I am more able to express/explain myself on paper or online, I decided that since I'll be in town that I should get my butt in gear and suck up my pride. So, I did research. I wrote emails. And...I wrote a letter to my therapist. I'm gonna share it, since I figured it might give others ideas, and hopefully what I did was right. "Dear _____, I hope your Thanksgiving went well and you didnt get buried in all the snow. I talked to a few online friends about my last visit with you, and decided it would be best to write things down rather than forget or lose my nerve later. I'll admit the realization of "without a goal, there is no destination" stung a bit, and instinctivaly as if I were being given up on. I have little to no clue what I ultimatly want/need, and I felt lost and hopeless without having valid reasons for visits aside from simply someone to talk to. Sometimes I have a hard time verbally expressing whats going on in my mind and it hinders my trail of rational thought. So my first thought were simply "Even she isnt sure how to help me, I cant even help myself" So, in short I've done A LOT of thinking; and having these few days off work is helping. I've come down to a few goals I'd like to work out. 1-Manage my anxiety 2-Stop selfharm 3-Be a happier person (4)- Be Me. Fully transition into my proper gender, and live life as who I am. If it costs me my relationship, I'll need to learn to accept that. I have contacted ______ via email in regards to cost, regulations, and state requirements for my double incision bilateral mastectomy, and am awaiting a reply. Battle plan: 1-Get serious! More research, and be more confident and less reserved. 2-If needed, see a surgeon for estimates 3-Start hormones if needed 4-Surgery!!!!!! 5-Live the full lifestyle 3 years 6-Change name 7-Just be happy! I dont like being miserable. But I cant be happy by waiting on my butt for things to change. "Be the change you want to see in the world" Gandhi I'll still need help, I'm not foolish enough to think that I can do it alone. But sometimes I might need to be reminded that I need to act or nothing is going to change. I'm not ready to give up yet, and I hope you arent ready to give up on me either. See you Tuesday, _____" So I'll fold it neatly. I'll put it in an envelope, and I'll drop it off at the office on my way to the bank. She'll have it on-hand, she can read it, and come up with her own battle plan by the time our visit comes up. Wish me luck, Warren