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No surprise it was very painful at the back of my vagina and let me say, time pasted very slowly and did controlled breathing the entire time. I am no wimp when it comes to pain and would say I can not wait till this size dilator is fitting without any pain. Edit: Second time was less painful.

Well, each year this time I'm faced with the same feelings and emotions, that got amplified after my father passed away. February strikes, everything seems fine, and as the nears the last week emotions run wild, literally and figuratively. Okay, my birthday and I have never seen eye to eye. Yes, I know it's just a day, but somehow it manages to find a way to screw me over. This years isn't so big, but I can't find a place with available space, so romantic weekend away is spoilt. To understand my avoidance with planning or being out on this day should be explained with these 3 examples. 1 and 2 days that were important to me, were destroyed with the most important person not being there for me. My crown birthday and 21st. My dad had the privilege of being at all his childrens except me, not even 1 of them. I was forced to have a 21st and each and every attempt to escape I broke something. So no luck. Then a day with a 3 in 1. No pity required as I found out my will to live was greater than expected. My 16th birthday was filled with fights and me just wanting to cry. Yes, this fighter knows the value of crying. From that it changed into a knife being squeezed against my throat so I would resist the urge to fight as I was robbed and minutes later a firearm being pointed at me to rob me once again. A few hours later, getting stopped by an old man trying to persuade me to get into his car, turning into a fight, changing to a car speeding towards me and knocking me temporarily out. This guy raped me and while busy I came to. He tried to strangle and kill me but the fighter in me took over and the anniversary is here again. Now, I rarely think of it, because I survived and I fought to keep my life. Now pity isn't and will never be wanted. It happened and it's a part of me, I admire for my survival instincts, and hate because it's supposed to be me day. It also made me a better police officer to handle rape victims. And I hate people that fake being raped. Now every year something happens to make it memorable, but for a negative reason. I can only say 2 days were fun. 1 I got my driver's license on my 18th birthday, and I was used as a body chocolate and whip cream platter on my 30th and the beginning felt like rape. Conclusion for me and my birthday is. Stay away, it's just trouble.

See my blog entry Sex Orientation Scale at http://karenpayneblog.com/ and for some this will be new while others it will be somewhat new.

In The Bible, Apostle Paul talks, very vaguely of a thorn that was given to him, a messenger of Satan to buffet him. He never tells us what that thorn was. He does tell us he asks God three times to take it out, but Jesus tells him "my grace is sufficient for you" God told Paul that the strength of God is made perfect in weakness. Paul learned how to use his thorn as a way of keeping himself humble. "so, Jennifer," you may be asking. "How does this relate to you and your being transgender?" Well, this feeling of being transgender seems to bother me if I let it do so. I feel shame for feeling opposite of what my fleshly gender is, and I have begged and pleaded with God for years to take it from me. The more I beg, the deeper the thorn slices into me. Then, it suddenly occurs to me that this could very well be God's unique way to draw me closer to Him and learn submission. Paul learned to delight in infirmities, rather than feel sorry for himself. He accepted the strength of God being perfected in Paul's weakness. God strengthens me in my weakness, as well. I find that my being transgender actually draws me closer to Him. Here's how this works. God has three manifestations: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I am created in His image, and I have three manifestations: body, soul, and spirit. Here's how I break this down. My body is masculine, and I assume my male name and functions. Jesus calls Himself the "bridegroom." He is going to marry His church, His body of redeemed believers, and I am one of them. Since he is after our soul and spirit, and since our earthly bodies are temples that house our soul and spirit, then I let the inner me assume the female role. My soul is a woman named Jennifer who is engaged to be married to Jesus when he comes and takes His bride home. My spirit is Jennifer already joined to God via the Holy Ghost who leads me. I know the above was really deep, and there's a lot to digest, but I will do my best to sum it up for you. My flesh is undeniably masculine, and my inner woman is represented by my soul that is being redeemed and being made ready for that eternal marriage in heaven, and my spirit, that innermost part of me rejoices in her husband. My "Jennifer self" knows of no greater man than Jesus Christ who died on the cross, not just for her, but for all, and those of us who accept redemption from our sinful nature can enjoy eternal life with Him, for we, the saved, as a result of being born again, will live in a perfect world without end and without problems of any kind, and our flesh will no longer hurt us, for we will have perfect bodies. To sum it up even more, my inner woman is spoken for. Jesus is the right man for me. He's the only husband I'll ever need. That truly is a unique way God has me think of the transgender part of my existence. I think I smell roses.

As I come out among other fellow trans people, I'm finding out just how large the "umbrella" really is. There's such a wide variety. I used to think you had to have hormones and surgery in order to be transgender, but I know that's not the case, necessarily. Everybody's different. I'm too poor to afford hormones and surgery, and I don't like pain. I do not cross dress, and I'm not criticizing anybody who does. If you saw me, you'd see a perfectly masculine body, and my voice is likewise male. Okay? What's so transwoman about you? It's my innermost feelings. Couple that with the fact that I like the sound of girls' names more than guys' names, and I've always wanted to be called by a female name. Additionally, I find myself, more and more, as I get older, wishing I could use the ladies' restroom, never mind my parts. I cannot pretend to be against the thought of lawmakers trying to make it legal to choose the bathroom you'd be most comfortable using. I am through with pretending, and yet I tremble at the thought of the backlash I'd receive. I mean, I find myself wishing I could be justified in using the ladies' room, simply because I sit... Also, I get my strongest inner woman feelings around guys. I virtually always feel like a girl amidst guys. I can't explain myself. Other than that, I like my short hair and other male features, though I sometimes wish my voice was higher. This is why I consider myself a transgender female, though I don't look or sound the part. This is why I love this website. I can leave my real name out of it and identify as a girl, never mind the features. My inner man is a woman.