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Hey, it might seems like rushing it abit, starting up a blog just after I sent a welcome thread up, but an idea struck me, and I can be very inpatient. This is actully a test if writing out about my life growing up, can help me find out if I ever felt misplaced in the wrong body.. So, you don't have to comment, but feed back and spelling mistakes are most welcome as I am not the best at gramma! I grew up in a "happy" home, my mom and dad and my two brothers, I was the youngest of the siblings. My parents got me late, I was born 6-7 years after the middle one, and ten years after the oldest. When I write I grew up in a "happy" home it Isn't meant that my parents was often fighting behind closed doors... That was not their style, those two argued like a movie, plates flying, screaming ( By the age of 5 I knew all swearing words back and forth) and passion. I mostly remember how my brother used to break out his door, when he heard me crying and my mom and dad argueing again, and he'd come and take me away, often this could be at night times, and we would be out untill both my mom and dad clamed down. Through it often was this way, my mom and dad loved eachother a bunch. And I do not blame neither of these, both my parents had lived a rough life. My mom was the only girl of a group of siblings, when she was about 13, her dad commited suicide by burning down their appartment, leaving my grandmother to feed and take care of 5 kids. I have alot of respect for my grandmother, and I love her with all my heart, but her kids who nearly had no supervision, besides my mother, who took over the "mom" role started doing criminal activities, not that my uncles are bad persons, you can't find people who're more lovingly then their are, and as with all my family, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. My dad grew up in a poor family aswell, being the only boy of two older sisters.. Doing his youth his mom hated him, aswell as his older sister who tried to strangle. He also felt into the criminal life style, and this is how I don't blame them. Anyway, on with MY life. As I grew up going to kindergarten I have no memory of me being "misplaced" I was a boy, with alot of engery and as most boys that age, I was a wild one. My earlist memories of anything about gender, was in third grade.. I used to play with these two girls, and I remember how much I loved it. I liked dressing out and pretending that we lived on "hogwarts".. I felt like I belonged when I played with these two. Well, as most things to in that age, I grew and I don't know if it was because of my mom and dad. Or if I was just too stupid to understand school, but I started getting into trouble, at the sixth grade I stopped doing homeworks, I never took an interest to school and I was starting to act like a "thug" (I think I was mostly convinced, that because my familiy was criminal I had a heritage to take over, and who needs poems when you gonna be a MC'er? ) Well when I hit the golden years at 13 years old. My life was already heading in the wrong direction, me and my friends, some I known from school, others I known since kindergarden. We started hanging out in the streets, just escaping our homes was a relif, my parents was finally divorced after 28 years of marriage, and I was to say it happy, that there was no fighting. But this also lead to me and my dad sliding further and further away from eachother.. I to be honest took out my frustations outside, I ended up fighting, stealing and basicly doing bad things, I've never been the person to think twice about my actions, so I never really stopped to think about myself, I went 110% straight down the highway, no stop signs (Speed of limit) I've done many bad things in my life, and I don't regret a single one anymore, past is past. (That was importent to say, since I've struggled with panic attackts) Well through this was the fast life lane, this was also my first records of not belonging in a body.. I remember having throughts about being a girl, I sometimes didn't feel right being who I was.. But as I was very good at ignoring my feelings, and push througths away I did it everytime.. Because that would mean I'm gay right? And you couldn't be gay in my group of friends. I had the same throught, coming over and over in my head as I grew up and I always pushed it away, untill a point, I was alone home, and I remember that I went to my mom closet, and tired on some of her clothes, and it was like kilo's floating from my shoulders. I got scared, and I took it off, placed it back and I felt bad about myself a long time after.. This lead to my increasing violently behavior and my eviction from my school. I was fifteen and a well known trouble maker within the city I came from.. I was sent to a school for "troubled" kids, wich meant victims of bulling, the bullies was grather to learn about life, in a hope to change our behavior. Now in this school, the teachers understood you and it lead to me wanting to take an education.. But I was still struggling with my "Demons" Throught I passed school, I was still the same fighting kid. I didn't care if I was going to jail for my behavior I was born to be criminal remember? Luckly, when I was seventeen, I got my first appartment and through I'll say it's bad luck, I also think it's the best thing that happed to me. I got a panic attack.. This lead to a struggle I've never had before, I was affriad of going out late at night, I didn't go to parties as alkohol lead straight to a new one, and this is where my criminal behavior stops.. But it's also the time I start to notice my gender "issue" I was still dressing boy, acting boy, speaking boy, but when I went on the internet, playing games I used it as a cover to be.. Who I felt as.. I told people I was a girl, and I started to spend alot of time online, as I felt right about it. I can't really describe to feeling, but I'm sure most of you know it anyway.. One thing lead to another, and suddenly I throught more and more about this girl thing.. It's only recently I've taken the curage to actully do something about it, I dressed and I loved it I felt so relaxed.. I finally took myself together and went to the doctor and got help.. But I still struggle with the feeling "What if I'm just crazy?" Looking through most transgenders stories they always been aware that they were girls, so I can't help to think I'm just a "wannabee" This was an overall story about my life.. Not interesting but it helps me in a way I can't explain. Well I hope you guys have a nice day, I'm about to go and cook some dinner :)

Good morning everyone! We're having a nice breezy, rainy day in NYC today (which is fine for Monday). I've been thinking about my gender and sexual orientation a lot recently, specifically as they relate to each other, and wanted to put my thoughts out here to see if anyone has some ideas on the topic First, I do realize that gender and sexual orientation are different things, and they we do all have both of them. What I've been thinking about lately though is that for quite awhile I've identified and "lived" as a gay man. Given my recent acknowledgment that I am transgender, it's made me wonder if i am a gay man or a straight woman, and what that means in day-to-day terms. But even before that, I wonder now if the reason I was "came out" as a gay man was because I was misreading the reality that I am transgender. When I was growing up, in particular around the age of puberty, I didn't really have any idea of the existence of transgender people. At best there were stories about people who had sex change operations, but those stories were usually portrayed as freakish, and they certainly didn't explain why the person had done it (at least not anywhere that I saw). Mind you this was the early to mid 70s. So my theory/hypothesis is that I interpreted my feelings as being gay because I knew what that was, and it seemed like the best fit for them. Even that I covered up for a long time, it wasn't like being gay was accepted at that time either, but at least I knew what it was. It would also fit with my dating history, which is very, very limited. It makes me wonder if one of the reasons I don't date much is that I don't want to date gay men, I want to date straight men (I hesitated saying that - seems like it could come across as homophobia?). There have also been several straight men who work at the gay bar that I go to and I find myself especially drawn to them - there is the cliche about gay men who want to turn straight guys, but I don't want that, I want them to stay as they are and love me! I'm going to leave this here for now, in part because I should start working, and in part because I just put something out there that I haven't even mentioned in therapy yet - need to hit "Publish" before this feeling of vulnerability stops me xoxo Christie

First, if any of you haven't heard the Junior Vaquez remix of Whitney Houston's "Step by Step" - you should check it out This has been a productive week in terms of coming out for me. I've now told all of my closest friends (in person or in writing) that I am transgender. In most cases it wasn't a surprise to them, and the support has been universal. My favorite light-hearted response was from my friend Chris (who is my closest friend among the group) who said "Woo hoo! Does that mean I'm hip?" (he does magic, so I leave it to each of you to decide if it's possible for him to be "hip"). The most substantive positive response was "This is celebratory news. Please let me know how I can be a friend/supporter/ally/whatever you need. I know there's lots swirling around, and if you need to chat/bounce things off anyone, you've got an ear and a hug in me;) Truly. Thanks for sharing, and as you continue, please let me know how best to support. There are lots of feelings around pronouns/language. I'm adaptable to whatever works for you. I love you as the person you are and am grateful we are friends." Followed by an offer to start calling me "Christie" if I wanted (I don't do that in my day-to-day life yet, I don't feel like my external presentation matches that - but the fact that it's now come up probably means it will happen soon, at least in my personal life). I've also told both of my supervisors at work, and a co-worker with whom I'm fairly close (and found out from her that another person was picking up some hints already - and was positive about it, which was very good considering she is over my 2 direct supervisors). On the personal side, productivity came in the form of not trying to figure out "an answer" - my initial reaction (to many things) is to think that if I just think about it for awhile, and ask the right questions, I can come up with an answer right away. Well that's not going to happen here, the only way I'm giong to find an "answer" is to keep taking steps until I reach whatever destination is out there for me (or not, there might not really be a destination - as I write this I realize there probably isn't!). So my approach now is to just look for steps that I can take - take them - see if they feel comfortable - then take another step - repeat... There was a negative event at work, but one that lead to positive. I overheard several students (overheard is an overstatement, they were talking loud enough that one could think they were trying to talk to me from a distance), they were joking about the idea of a male (I couldn't tell who they were talking about beyond that) wearing a dress to a student event that night. It wasn't something I could directly address (I'm staff at the school), but I did mention it to my boss, who apparently brought it up with her boss (the one I mentioned earlier), who suggested that they should probably incorporate sensitivity training into student orientation (and I believe she's sincere, she's not the type to just talk about it). So that was good - but the really good part is that it inspired me to try to take more steps to be out at work. It would be inappropriate for me to address the students directly about the issue, but if they ultimately get the point that I am TG it might make them think more about what they're saying. Well, that's all for now - oh, tonight I'm telling my sister, first family member... xoxo Christie

So, I had a follow-up appointment this week at Whitman-Walker. My blood tests came back normal, they received my recommendation letter from my therapist. I was prescribed T-blockers will get blood work again in three weeks and then if all goes well, start Estrogen two weeks after that (May 13th). So I have my script and I will pick it up tomorrow. I can't wait to get moving on this! All of the dark hairs did fall out two weeks after the laser. In the meantime, I don't need to wear so much makeup, which is awesome and makes me feel so much better. I had my therapy appointment. A lot of things happened this month that we covered. I am also going to start carrying recommendation and safety letters with me. Recommendation letters are for medical appointments, as needed. The safety letter if I get into a jam, particularly with law enforcement, for some other authority, should I need it (like getting pulled over). We also talked about coming out to my children, my pastor. After two years, my wife still hasn't seen me dressed. That is something I need to work on to set up a time with her to see me. I may just need to surprise her, but that is a last resort. I would rather not do that. I hope that everyone has had a good week. I love all of you! Lisa :)