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Hi everyone, Just a quick update - on Wednesday my therapist said she would write the letter I need for the endocrinologist, and I have an appointment to see him on August 6 (I made the appointment before having the letter knowing that there would be some lag before I could actually get an appointment, he's apparently very busy). I know there are some tests they'll have to do first, but my medical history at least doesn't seem to have any counterindicators to HRT. So I'm hopeful that by mid to late August I'll have started. Every thought that I have about it is positive - it makes me feel happy, content, sometimes excited - never hesitation. I think having some time pass since the school-wide announcement went out, and the fact that I'm presenting more and more female, has allayed much of the fear that I felt earlier. It's gotten to the point where it's strange to hear or use my prior name! (I'm also starting to look into a legal name change). One thing that I'm a little hung up on right now is rest rooms. The schools position is simply that I should use whichever rest rooms I feel are appropriate. The problem is that I still feel like I'm presenting somewhere in the middle, so I think I feel a little uncomfortable using either! (they are planning to add a gender-neutral rest room, which I'd probably start using until I feel that I sufficiently "pass"). Then of course there are rest rooms in other places! Ugh. Interestingly, the bar that I often go to recently moved (and changed it's motif a bit - it's now officially a "drag bar"), and they now have "Men" and "Women" on their restrooms, which they didn't at the previous location! It seems like step backwards to me :-) That's where I am now - I have a few more days off before going back to work, a little more time for introspection before rejoining the working world! xoxo Christie

Dysphoria was hitting hard today. Has been for the past few days, actually. Although today while I were at the store, someone in the line behind me called me Sir which was awesome. But it was too hard to enjoy it when I were in pain. I refuse to go anywhere anymore because it hurts...I cant wear my binder anymore. My chest size has AGAIN gone up. Bumping me from a DD to a DDD size. I'll admit, its soul crushing. It made me want to curl up in a ball and cry until it eventually killed me. It hurts....the weight, the binding, my ribs...It just hurts so much. And there's nothing I can do about it. It hurts not only emotionally but physically, more than I could possibly express. My ribs ache like never before, and going to my doctor about it was only a punch in the gut. "Only thing I can suggest is stop binding. There's nothing else I can do to help other than your muscle relaxant meds I gave you..." she said. I dont hate her for it, she's doing what she can. But there's only so much she CAN do. On top of that, its fourth of July. But here I sit, home by myself, because my boyfriend went with his family to the family BBQ...which I cannot attend without a fight breaking out about me being transgender being a cry for attention. His sister-in-law even had the balls enough to message him with "im here if you ever need to talk about it". Like...really!? Thanks, I know he would appreciate talking to someone now and then, but what about me!? The person the family is shunning!?!?!? I want my surgery....I want it so bad and there's nothing I can do about it. No loans I can take out I can afford to pay off. They all want 300$ minimum for monthly payments, and I'm lucky to have 20$ in my pocket. I found a place where I can get it dont for 4500$ instead of the 9000$ but its all the way in the bottom of the country. I cant do that....Everything I want or need is so far out of my reach that it just makes me want to curl up and say **** the ****ing world, I'm done. I cant even bind anymore. And I cant afford a new binder. Even if I could..it hurts......so wtf is the point....... Only good news is if I change my VT birth certificate to Male, all of NH's documents has to honor that and change things to Male. But, again....what the **** is the point when I'm got DDD breasts that I can no longer hide? Feels like I'm slowly mentally killing myself here....And there's nothing I can do about it. Warren

This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking. If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards. Happy Fourth!!!

It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery. Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually no coverage for insurance and is out of state. Why thirty thousand dollars, because this is the high end while twenty thousand is the low end yet that is only bottom surgery so we can get to the higher end if say a skin graph is needed for better depth of your new vagina if the penis is not good enough to supply the depth. Many will opt for have their Adam's apple shaved which could tack on say two thousand, get the idea. Add on dollars for staying in a hotel, food, transportation and all the little things that one will need for day to day live then on top of this various medications prescribed to you several days before surgery by your surgeon. The average stay for out of state surgery, two weeks. The hidden cost will trickle in over the months after surgery for various services the hospital provided ranging from EKG test to what will appear as insignificant services such as one I got in the mail last night for $133.00 which is one of a handful over the past few months. Thinking of these (at least for me), months prior to surgery you should be receiving various documents from the surgeon's office that will either be up front or buried within statements that indicate there may be cost that are unforeseen such as blood work and other test. With that in mind rather than saving for the surgery and cost to stay there for two weeks make sure to save money for not only time away from work which is roughly five weeks but also the charges that will surely appear over the months after surgery. Better to over save then be surprised down the road where possibly every single dollar counts for surviving while recovering those five weeks and beyond. I am living proof as well as many who came before me that it's better to prepare for the unknown charges now rather than later. On the other hand perhaps you have great insurance that covers most or all of the cost for surgery, there will still be things that i mentioned above that will not be covered like five weeks off from work, paying rent etc. so please be prepared beforehand.