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My Saturday, August 8th, 2015....Shopping with Isabelle... It seems that every time I go out I get a little more gutsy... The first Friday of every month I attend a group meeting here in Gatineau with fellow MTF's and FTM's. Since I already started buying a new female wardrobe, this Friday was the first time I would attend wearing my new clothes...nothing too obvious. I wore jeans, sneakers, a nice American Eagle tee with pink writing and a long beige cardigan...on the bus! I don't really care what other people think and yes I did get a few strange looks but let's just say it blended well with the Guns N' Roses playing in my headphones lol! These meetings are awesome as they are a tremendous help with my dysphoria which is quite intense these days. I have not yet started hormones but am getting a referral to an Endocrinologist from my GP this Wednesday as he has approved my letter from my psychologist. I want to add I DO see a psychologist every two weeks and highly recommend this along with group meetings as the most important steps in self discovery. If you cannot afford therapy, groups are usually free and the help found there is phenomenal! Now for the shopping... Isabelle and I went the this popular shopping center downtown Ottawa. At first I wasn't sure what to buy but knew I wanted something more feminine than what I have so far which consists mostly of various tops and of course socks and underwear. We went to Nordstrom (yikes! $$), Pink, Victoria's Secret and I still wasn't sure what to get. Isabelle then had a really good suggestion... Since my body is still quite masculine...at 6', I weigh in at 220 (lost 80 lbs since last October and still losing) and have typical male love handles, very little butt, man boobs from teenage gynecomastia, she suggested I buy a maxi dress that fits and take a couple of pictures. We could then see the gradual effects of hormones by taking a picture wearing the same dress about once a month. Then as I drop the weight even more, buy another "goal" dress which is a little more snug and so on.. We went to a store called Sirens and with the fall clothes being out, there were very few XL size summer maxi dresses. We then went to Forever21 and there I found the perfect dress for this little experiment...a long blue pattern summer maxi which fits very well length wise but of course I do not fill it in quite correctly in a couple of areas.. We got home and I immediately put it on!. Wow is it ever comfortable...I know now that dresses will take up a huge part of my future wardrobe and can't wait to start wearing them more and more. My next purchase will be shoes and sandals and for this I will have to go to a tall girl store which we have in downtown Ottawa as I am probably around a size 13 wide in women's shoes. In the meantime, I dress in my feminine clothes all the time when not at work and practice makeup every chance I get...I love that stuff! All the above is far from being a "cure all" for my level of dysphoria as my psychologist rates my transsexualism as pretty extreme and know I will have to undergo all surgeries (the "bottom" surgery is paid for by health insurance here in Canada), but is does help a little with my intense daily anxiety and along with the therapy and groups, keeps me from completely losing it until I start hormones and go further in my "oh so welcomed" transition. Now I'm on holidays for this week and the music is creeping back.... Thanks for reading, Roxanne

I didn't think this would become a weekly thing, going in I assumed I would get tired of the show pretty quickly (being on E and all), but no, I'm not. The show really is getting better and better each week, and my respect for Caitlyn grows with it (she is exec producer, so nothing happening on the show is happening without her). This week they spent more time with the less fortunate trans people in San Francisco, and Caitlyn seemed sincerely moved and in fact did a couple of really great things for one of them! This episode was shot about 5 weeks before her ESPY presentation, so I could see where her sentiments in that came from. On the personal side - first the less important part - I was tweeting during the show and watching what others were tweeting - I did 3 original tweets myself, and got re-tweeted on all of them my Jenny Boylan, so I was pretty happy about that :-) I also got 2 of them favorited by Michelle Visage (RuPaul's co-host on Drag Race), also pretty exciting. On the more substantial side - I had already decided that this was the week that I was going to wear my wig to work, and then skirts (tomorrow for the skirt). The show was so inspiring that it really put me over the top in terms of doing it. I came to see what I was doing as more than just a part of my personal journey (though obviously that's important too!) but also as a measure of activism. There are still so many trans people who simply can't live out their lives the way they want, so I think it's important for anyone who can to do so (to the extent they're comfortable with it of course), so that we can gradually change the overall society and give others more room to live their lives. That's what Caitlyn is doing in a very public way, and it's something I can do in a less public way, but it's still a contribution. Visibility = Power (as the Lesbian/Gay movement has shown). They also had an interesting conversation about voices. Candice Cayne apparently just has a fairly natural feminine voice, and Chandi Moore just talks the way she talks and won't change that. Jenny Boylan made the comment "This is as far as we'll go, everyone else just has to meet us there." I really liked that comment. And Caitlyn, who had been worried about her voice, eventually said that it's not so important how she sounds but what she says. Anyway - time to work now :-) xoxo Christie Here's a picture from work today...

Warning - this is a boring post. Thank goodness, lol! I am doing better since my last post. Things have stabilized. I talked with my wife today and she was warm and reaffirming. I've been biking a lot. I rode 50 miles yesterday and almost 80 miles today with a friend from my support group. I am getting ready for the Reston Century in two weeks. Still have more work to do, if I am going to make it. But I feel better about my chances. I did go to my therapist appt two weeks ago, but have missed a couple support group meetings as well as "going out" events. Part of it is that I've been out of town quite a bit, on vacation or travel. Things should settle down bit after my kids go to school. This summer has been much busier than I expected overall. In fact, I missed three weeks of electrolysis appts. I'll miss again next week as well. I went to an appt to get blood work this week, for the first time since starting Estradiol. Everything came out normal, however I don't know what my levels are yet. I have a follow-up appt scheduled next week, but will need to reschedule to the following week. I hope that all is well with everyone. I am feeling much better. Hope that will continue and hope that all is well with all of you. --Lisa

Well I don't know we're to start this is my first blog . So I guess I will start with a little bit about myself . Every since I was a little boy I had these thoughts in the back of my mind and then that led to me trying on girl clothes at first I did not know how to take this but I felt more comfortable in girl clothes and know matter how much I new it was not normal I new I could not tell anybody because I could not deal with the disappointment that my parents and friends would have or me so I tried to suppress it in the back of my mind and do what the world thought was right and be normal. Well as time passed I grew up into a teenager I had a lot of identity problems, and I new who I was on the inside but I could not be that person on the outside because I did not know how to deal with the humiliation from the rest of the world and from family and friends so what did I do I suppressed it some more by this time I got really good at hiding my feelings and not opening up to people like I should. And as more time passed I got married and had three kids and I know that now matter how much I wanted to tell my wife the thoughts that was going through my mind I knew she would not now how to deal with something like that so I didn't tell her and that lead to a divorce because I did not want her to be disappointed in me for wanting to be a woman. Well hate to cut the story short but it's late and a girl's got to get her beauty sleep so goodnight and I will try to finish my story soon love to all and goodnight again.

Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe. After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly. And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead. I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother). But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with. I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment. In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole. If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you. DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE. And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time. Much love... Michele

Why tears. Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman. Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too... I'm a fighter after all. Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night! I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so. Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised. Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children. But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety. Now for my tears... I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears. So some apparent reason this has always eluded me. I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over. I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated. Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode. But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago. Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving. I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me. But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much. Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person. The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone. At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone. Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to. GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place. Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends. Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day. Michele is out......