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Following on immediately from my previous entry regarding paint, which I should have posted 3-4 days ago. I think I might have developed a sixth sense, this is completely contrary to what some of my friends inform me, that they didn't think I had any sense at all! However I've digressed, apologies, over the last 8 months or so I have had feelings predicting things happening, starting with the thoughts that I needed to buy National Lottery tickets because I'd win, I did and yes I have won small amounts several times since, I am still left with the feeling that I will (not might) win a sizeable amount in the near future. That as a one-off feeling didn't really make me consider the female intuition thing on it's own, but this intuitiveness seems to have now grown to predicting where the traffic will either turn off, of carry on the same road in front of me when I'm driving. Of course I don't rely on this "intuition" other than not bothering to overtake the vehicle in front if I percieve that it will shortly change direction. Yes I drive too fast, compared to most others, it's an ex-biker thing, and also an ex-male thing too I suppose, but other vehicles do get in my way!! However back to this weird intuition, when I look back at my life I can see (and I discovered this in my teens which strangely is when cross dressing started) that if I desired something badly enough, It would happen eventually by one means or another, either by luck or eventually by my own efforts. An example would be in my early biker years wanting a decent motorcycle (in those days decent meant non-Japenese!), I had to do this by my own efforts with a small amount of luck thrown in. I started off with cheap junk and through repairs , renovations, and trading up ended up with a superb Norton Commando with engine modifications including increased capacity to 920cc, I just wanted that bike so much that it happened, but luck played it's part on the way with opportunities to sell high and buy low. The same can said of my transition from male to female, although at the start I just thought that I had a kinky fetish, I wanted to be able to wear certain provocative clothing and footwear that females wore, hell that was a real desire seeing girls dressed that way day in and day out, and eventually here I am, I've done that, and passed on to dressing comfortably as a female. I also had desires for boobs, well don't most males!, but no I mean my own, I always wondered what it'd feel like to have my nipples sticking out 4-5 inches in front of my ribs, and wobbling when walking etc., OMG this is sounding more and more like a fetish to me! LoL, however I desired them and they happened. So are desires and intuition linked or did the intuition happen because of hormonal changes, I'm not totally sure yet but I surely hope that the intuition thing increases, I love it! in fact I desire it. Cheers, Eve

In my previous entry I said goodbye, fully thinking that would be the case. A few fellow members have asked me to reconsider, and to be honest, after a week or so I did feel that I had "painted myself into a corner", I now feel that the paint has sufficiently dried to allow myself out, and continue with my entries. So apologies to anyone annoyed at this! Cheers, Eve

These last few months, I've been in a rut. A real rut. And on occasion this rut is deep, dark and I've had claw myself out of it. Thankfully, I've had friends who have been pulling me out of it, checking on me even though I have not asked for help. Often there is a great deal of shame in admitting that I need help, pride that I can conquer things on my own and also the feeling like I am troubling others with my problems. Though there are times where we all must walk alone with only the Lord Jesus holding our hand, it does not have to be that way. There are people there to help, just ask. Unfortunately, those who need the help, are in most cases, the least likely to ask. This weekend I went to the funeral of my cousin, who took his own life. He was struggling, but most in the family had no idea that this was going on. Several years ago, he lost a child, he lost his mother (my aunt) and recently his daughter has had struggles. I knew about her struggles. I was corresponding with her after reaching out, but had no idea that her dad was having difficulties of his own. They have no knowledge of my struggles and even though my mom knew what was going on with my cousin, she didn't tell me because she knew of my struggles and didn't want to burden me further. Does any of this make sense? The only conclusion I can draw from this is that we need to reach out and stay in contact with others who we care deeply about, because some day they may be gone. We also need to reach out to those people we don't know, who we suspect are having difficulty. My cousin did all sorts of things for complete strangers. He once bought new glasses for someone he saw at a restaurant who had duct tape holding together his glasses (even though he barely had enough money of his own). He constantly helped and lended a hand to anyone who was in obvious difficulty. The guy he bought glasses for, that story stands out because he posted something on Facebook. Well, I am heartbroken. Everyone is. I've having a difficult time accepting what happened.

Last Wednesday was a good day. In the province of Quebec, even though medical services are covered by our provincial insurance, it is practically impossible to get a family doctor to follow us for any issue, problem or in my case, transition. I have to thank my psychologist... about three months ago when she wrote my letter recommending HRT and eventual GRS, she sent a copy of these to a doctor whom she knew specialized in treating LGBT folks. Well it didn't even take two days and to my surprise, the doctor's receptionist called me and scheduled an appointment for the August 12th and informed me the doctor would be taking me on as a new patient...I was floating with happiness!! So I went to my appointment last week and he proceeded to give me a full physical then proceeded to go over the letter from my psychologist with me. He immediately followed up by sending me for blood work and renewed prescriptions I was previously taking, then again immediately sent a fax to an Endocrinologist in Montreal for HRT recommending he start me on it asap. Two hours later I received a call from Montreal letting me know my appointment is set up for October 21st. It's a little while away but ok since I'm learning we cannot be in a rush during this amazing journey called transition. I have to say just knowing I'm finally going to start HRT has helped tremendously with my anxiety. I'm not shy to dress in public, mind you only casually as I haven't dared to publicly wear skirts or dresses yet but will go out wearing makeup and feminine tops. So before going to the movies with my step daughter Isabelle last Saturday, we stopped at Winners and I ended up trying on 32 different feminine articles of clothing and ended up buying some tops, a nice black dress, maxi skirt, leggings, joggers, sleepwear and a few other things... So now I'm wearing only female clothing when not working while at home and will start going out en femme more and more. I'm shy about wearing the skirts and dresses before HRT effects kick in but will eventually work up the courage to do it... I just wish I had more butt and boobs lol. Thanks for reading! Roxanne xoxo

So I wanted to dye my hair and so something I've never done. I was curious what colors to do and etc, then I saw a message from a good friend you know who you are! But you said something that caught my attention. "Stay Frosty". I love jack frost!!!!!!!!! Even the old legends So blue it is!!! This required some bleaching which I've never done. But, here's how it went! Opinions welcome lol before: after bleach: after: Not sure how I feel about it yet lol If I'm still not 100% thrilled with it, I had planned ahead and bought my usual black dye to fix it at a later time. I think next time I'll just stick to my black hairdye, much less hassle and OMG THE STAINS IN MY BATHTUB!!! Took another 2 hrs of scrubbing to get internet privileges back..... Your bud, Warren

So today was my first endo Appointment. It did not go as I'd hoped, but not for the reasons i thought. I knew that I would not start testosterone today. Let me be clear about that, right away. I was however hoping that I would find out when I get to start. I got lost on my way to the clinic because Yale New Haven Hospital is a Zoo! New Haven is a terrible smattering of crazy drivers and one way streets. Think of it like as tiny New York filled with even more assholes. I was late even though I set out to be 20 minutes earl I was twenty minutes late. Got charged 6 bucks for parking at the hospital. Maybe I'm just a country bumpkin, but Charge me as I'm trying to get medical treatment, WTF? By ten minutes in it was clear that I wouldn't be starting soon, there was discussion of who diagnosed me with gender identity disorder? Was I not being clear enough? How hard do i have to hate myself before people help with the problems I actually have. I'm sick of doctors appointments and of doctors. As she explained what my body would do on T, i got the slight inclination that she was nervous. I'm not blindly jumping into this, it's not that I'm claiming I knew everything she told me but i did know I'm not gonna be a supermodel. I have no misconceptions that I may end up looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame and that T may make my insulin resistance worse... I don't give a damn. Also if one more person informs me that I'm overweight I'm going to lose my shit! (Is there some secret to weight loss that will help me lose 60 lbs in a week or month?) I have been patient I waited three months just to speak to her! Just not a good day at all. I'm so disappointed. Also i have the final draft of my spoken word poem I will post it soon.

Thinking in line with my last post on "use it or lose it" I thought it was appropriate to tell you about a viberator that in my honest opinion is a must have. I know several woman that is a viberator and most have the larger ones for penetration while one woman I know uses one that is for clitorial stimulation. I have been using a medium size penis shaped viberator that is average length of a penis and decent girth. It does the job but takes a while to climax. It can be used with or without lubricant but two months ago I needed lube. So with me being constantly aroused last night and today I needed something better. When I say constantly aroused I mean in the car driving to the store, in the store also. The cause was how my underwear was rubbing up against my sensitive area. So I am looking at the various mini-viberators, they start out at $29, then to $39 then finally $59. The sales lady asked if I wanted any of them opened so I could inspect them which I did. Then I was just about ready to purchase the $39 one she said there is one more and it's very popular, the Tango. She said it is rechargeable via a USB cable, has eight settings and if you hold the on/off button to turn it off it will remember the last setting used so one does not have to cycle through the settings. I went and did some grocery shopping, came home and setup the Tango to charge which in the manual says 90 minutes but was finished in 30 minutes. So now I get undressed thinking this could be great or a let down. Played with a few settings and hit on one that does heavy vibrating, stops for a split second, does a different vibrate then back to the start again. Didn't know it at the time but when I found the "right spot" guessing in five minutes my toes were curling, spasming to the point I was going to pull it off but decide I am hooked and this is so much better than it's big brother, the penis shaped dildo. Let me say this, I can easily do without being penetrated by a penis with this lovely and incredible viberator. Yes skin touching skin is best but there are times when I am alone and horny and not wanting to get dressed, depend on the other person in the mood etc. The viberator is well constructed, just the right size and oh my God, the tip is flat on one side and goes to a point and I can not describe in words what the shape does for me but gives me a extraordinary orgasm bar none. Only down side is the price is $89 but it's worth every single penny. Check it out even if you are not interested in purchasing one to see what it looks like. I will say the site is boring yet that's fine when the product is fan-f**king great. http://we-vibe.com/tango

Not much to update until my consultation aside from someone accusing me of having HIV for being trans and refusing to allow me to serve them a drink because they "werent sure of transgenderism is contagious as it seems to be spreading like HIV and filth". Yay me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK_jvDoBll0 my new video Warren Also, going to dye my hair. Not sure what color. Past colors in below photos: Open to suggestions