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I find it interesting that my new car seems to draw a good deal of attention to me. Friday I decided to wash the car out in front of my house on the street simply because car washing places are not good for convertibles. Any ways a middle age man walks down the street and says hello, I say hello back, he keeps walking. Then about five minutes later he walks back up the street and says "you are breaking my heart, you look fine today girl". I immediately can tell no matter what I say he is going to use that as an open door to talk to me so I simply act like I don't hear him so there is no opening for him. I take a quick glance up and he smiles, I don't and continue washing the car. Then about 15 or so minutes later I am heading inside and there he is again. At this point any advances he attempts I would had gone into my mode of "you asked for this" meaning I would had taught him a lesson he would not soon forget if you caught my drift. Over the past few months I am surely learning how woman feel if similar situations and have sympathy for them and it appears it's on me too. Of course there are decent men too, at my friends house yesterday I was standing by my car and a twenty something man walks by, smiles and complimented me how I looked and that I had a sweet ride. I smiled, said thank you and he kept on going. Turns out I see him get into his car, a very nice BMW sports car. I can't stress this too much that once you are out, passing with no issues and look good that you are going to be hit on. Depending on your mindset most of us who transitioned will have no clue on how to handle these situations, not much different than a teenage girl getting hit on for the first time. Consider what you will say, how you will react beforehand so that you are not actin awkward and bring undue attention as this can be problematic if they get it in their head something is not right or you leave an opening for them to continue their attempt to seduce you and this is not what you wanted. Even if you want this you still need to be prepared so all goes well. There have been a few times when I first was out after surgery that I was a tad under prepared and learned from this. Now I even flirt for the right female or male. Food for thought

(Because this is too long to get to the point, I added the end at the top, and the rest can be considered background information. Sorry it's all over the place) Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet. I am done with them, and their BS. I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10. ------------------------------------- My whole family exists of three people: Grandma (who lives a few hours away), Mom and Sister (who is married and has a daughter). My dad died 4 years ago, and he was the glue that held us all together as a unit. When I was a kid, my mom was pretty crazy, throwing things at people for no reason, beating all of us, name calling. I am pleased to say she has mellowed out now with her crazy antics. My sister and I were never close. I always looked up to her, but she never wanted me around. She always belittled me, embarrassed me, beat me. As adults, we rarely talk. My sister still refuses to call me by my new name because it's "not legal" and sees nothing wrong with that. This was a few months ago, and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her until she apologized. Before my dad died, my parents, sister and brother in law would always go to ball games, go on "family vacations" and always had BBQ's. I would never receive a call asking to join them in anything. I would always hear about all the fun they've had together at Birthdays or holidays, or those rare times I was actually invited over. All of the birthday and holiday plans are planned around my sister and brother in law family schedules, and mine aren't even considered. I work with a different schedule every week, and that makes it difficult to plan things. Especially when I go out of my way to make sure I have the Monday off then all of a sudden, the in laws need to have that day, so family plans get cancelled, and I don't get to go after all. Or travelling with the baby is so inconvenient, but then they do anyway. Or the bro in law has a sports game he needs to watch/attend or play. The next "story" is one example of many similar situations. The Thanksgiving when I was in 10th grade, my brother in law's mom invited my parents to their house for dinner. My mom just said, "we've been invited to go, so you have to come up for something on your own." A few hours later his mom called me and asked if I wanted to join them, as she didn't realize I was by myself. I came out to my family as trans shortly before my dad died. Mom and Sister have a hard time respecting my trans identity, they keep up the tradition of excluding me in planned "fun" things. We even made a plan to show up at the funeral home to view my dad as a family, and when I showed up 30 minutes early (to be sure I wouldn't be late), they were already in there. Two years ago, I had enough and completely cut them out of my life. Mostly, I just didn't answer the phone or show up for my mom's birthday, my birthday or Christmas. My mom had called me after midnight sometime in January and I told her how terrible I felt with the way they treated me. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. She "didn't remember" the bad things she did when I was a child. In fact she called me a "little prick for lying" The next week, she had a heart attack, and me being me, I showed up to the hospital for support. My mom and I made a plan to start fresh. I thought it was going pretty well too. I made a post here about when Caitlyn Jenner came out and her interview, and my moms reaction. Things started to look up. My mom has this thing where she will make plans with me to visit Grandma, but then cancel them for my sister. Mom doesn't drive the freeways, so she would need to be driven. She has made multiple plans to come to me, then I drive the 2 hour drive. We have never actually done it, because she tells my sister, then all of a sudden, sister is driving. Sister has no room in her car because of the baby seat. Did I mention, I don't have a car, so I can't get to see Grandma as much as I would love to. The last time this happened the bro in law had a baseball game on the day mom and I planned to go, and because of that they switched days completely, and my mom didn't want to go two days in a row (which I understand that), I blew up and told her I had enough of them dictating the dates of these events, especially since we already had plans. Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet. I am done with them, and their BS. I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.

For years I drove sensible cars for family at one point then later for travelling and teaching. Been thinking about getting a sports car and trading my Toyota 2005 Camry in for one but could never justify selling the Camry because it just runs and never breaks, only routine maintenance like oil change and tires for the most part. Been checking out the Mazda Miata for a while and was told by a co-worker that the 2016 models were worth waiting for. So last month I got on the list and last night was informed one was in, top of the line (and the price tag to go with it, $30,000). Took it out for a test spin this morning and I had to have it so I purchased it and went out driving in the country for an hour or so. Note I kept my Camry as it is a great investment and know full well it will come in handy a lot. There are so many features and creature comforts such as voice control, bluetooth, GPS navigation, controls on the steering wheel in all makes you feel like being in the cockpit of a sophisticated airplane. My first choice would had been red but red sports cars get noticed on the highway and I always drive 80 MPH in the 65 MPH highway, never been ticketed (knock on wood), second choice was black and third was yellow so in my mind I am very satisfied with the color. Please note that I came from a $20,000 a year paycheck to $100,000 paycheck that was not easy and now truly enjoying the year 2015. With no disrespect I hope this may light a fire under one or more people thinking they can never transition or have a decent life style because if you truly put your mind to something it is achievable. Click to enlarge

Ok people, sorry for the bummer of a subject line, but a week of insomnia isn't conducive to optimism It could be from my shoulder surgery, but as each day passes that seems unlikely - it's not hard getting comfortable anymore, I just stay wide awake. I think it is, indirectly transition-related. It's not because of transitioning, but because the transition had been so all-consuming for awhile that I had put aside other concerns. Now that i'm acclimating more to transitioning (though not completely yet), i'm faced with the feeling again that so much of my life feels like a vast, empty wasteland, no matter what way I go, or if I don't go anywhere, it's all the same nothing. Transitioning in this context takes on a new feeling - if i'm going down I might as well go down as me and not a fake sorry for the downer entry - needed to get it out Christie