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What about names? How do I pick a new name, that is like the hardest choice ever! Do I just girly-fy my name or pick a whole new one? Do I keep my last name? I imagine I would keep my last name, provided my family don't disown me when and if I tell them. I like Olivia, I knew an Olivia once, she was nice but I don't want to just cop out and pick any random one. I like anastasia because I read 50 Shades and loved it! I also don't want any of that silly nonsense like 'North West', what is that?! Tricky stuff, it'll be a long time before I need that fortunately so I have some time to decide. Thanks for reading :)

I think that with my blatant lack of make up expreience it's going to be a real hardship. I have some and some more coming (it's so expensive!) but not a clue how to do it really... I kind of know a little through watching people do it and a couple of youtube videos (the source of all my learning) but I imagine I'm going to look a state when I first have a go ;) I haven't tried any of it yet but I think the beard will be interesting to cover. Obviously I'm going to shave as much as possible first but I'll never get right down to skin. Another thing is contour? I have a man face pretty much and I believe this contour thing makes it look like you've got shape or depth? I don't know, I'll focus on not looking like a 4 year old just painted my face first ;) So I bought all the stuff I think I'll need. Foundation, eyeliner, blush, eyeshadow and some brushes, if theres anything I missed or some hints in how to use these items please do let me know :) Thanks for reading, any input would be much appreciated, in any aspect of this whole thing.

So, while I am at the beginning of my journey, I'm trying to think of everything. Right now I'm focuses on appearances and finding out how I might look. At some point I will try and test the waters outside, maybe go to the shop at first then venture out further. Before that I need to really know what to wear, make up, all that great stuff. So I guess my question is this, to anyone else out there that has already transitioned or anyone going through the journey too: What did you wear? How did you wear it? How did you know you were ready to go out? I look forward to talking to all of you Edit: Just wondering, if there are any cross dressers, drag queens or trans folk out there who have worn bras as a male? If so what did you stuff them with, I know you can get like fake breasts but just thinking of right now... Socks? I have tried socks I'm just curious...

Seeing that I have the time on my hands let make this one clear. For 5 days out of the month, I am on a lower dosage of estrogen, and it kinda makes me cranky as hell. Reason being is that I have decided to go the medically induced period cycle, and I know it is motha of all hell pain cramps, because I've always had these cramps from my 9th birthday. Some months it's good and I'm just cranky as hell. Other months it is so bad, I cramp and start crying from the pain. But I know it is now in tune with my body cycle and I will just have to deal with the cramps, being pissy to people, crying for no apparent reason, and being needy over those days. Oooh don't let me go into the don't touch me mode. Then not even Thor with all his strength will be immortal, as I will crush his spirit into a painful mere mortal death. What does this mean for me as in a whole with a relationship??? Okay, it's the first time we together and this cycle has come, so I warned him of the possible side effects. Yes, FX is on. What I believe and what Jazz's mom tells her in I am Jazz is right. Be honest about who you are, because there are evil people out there. And her parent's are constantly worrying about her ever finding love with a guy or girl that respects her. I also hope that she gets what she needs in life, and I hope that for me too. Would it have been easier if I was medically inducing my periods from a young age like Jazz, maybe. But on the other side, I would not have known that people can be so cruel because they don't understand the changes we as transgender persons have to endure just to feel whole. But I also hope that the earlier changes for the young teenagers are going to put them on a more level playing ground with the rest of the world. My cramps and my pms, on the other end of the scale is unique. As I don't think many transgender females naturally produced so much estrogen like I did which put me on an advantage to feel body changes on the inside that others had to wait to experience... Okay I struggled to grow breast, am still on only an A cup and at least the cups are the fuller A's then the partial A's they were. But I also knew that I would end up here. Because my family has breast sizes ranging from A cup to FFF Cups. The ones with the big breast are also the idiots in my family. I stood in the line for more smarts then a voluptuous body. No I am not saying that big breast and blonds are idiots by nature, only the big breasted women in my family are idiots. And they think that sex sells and men will do anything just because of some breast and giving them the cookie jar. I love that I can still creatively thing of names for things that would just sound to crude at any given moment. Okay, the last thing about me being on the period cycle of hormones are, I want my body to simulate a natural female body with hormones and in doing so assist with the development I am going through. And it has made a big difference from the 18 months of straight hormone high to period cycle. I have developed more, and it has kept my migraines more at bay. To all have a good day. Be safe, and think before you do. I have discussed this before I did it. Cheers for now Michele with love

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know why exactly. I've been in a rut this summer. The intense anxiety that I experienced in April came back on Tuesday. I had it all day into Wednesday morning. Almost went to the ER. I cried all day long. I did get Xanax and Zoloft. It will take a couple of months to get my levels right, I'm sure. I feel better at the moment, but it comes and goes. I had problems on Thursday, Friday and today. I know what the reason is. Gender Dysphoria. I don't know exactly what triggered it. However, I did spend time out this weekend, had a great time but had to go back to guy mode in order to go to work. So the reason is clear. I need to transition to full-time at some point.. The meds are just bandaid. So I had a long talk with my wife. I told her that I will need to transition earlier. She cried. But I told her that eventually this will kill me. The meds are just a bandaid to get by. She agreed. We talked about telling her family, our children, my work, about her getting a job, neighbors, me possibly moving out, surgery, finances. It was a tough, tough conversation. She did so well though. She is so calm, understanding an smart which is amazing considering what we discussed. Well I need to get to bed. I'll post more later. Love you all! Lisa

Following on from my previous entry whilst on holiday, we had a day out in southern Belgium, now most towns in the Ardennes have a castle, a church, a river, and a WW2 Tank (normally a US Sherman, although Houfalize has a German Panther but no castle!). La Roche en Ardenne must be a more important town than most as it has two tanks - a British Achilles Mk10 tank destroyer and a US Sherman, it's where UK and US forces met when pushing back the Germans during the Battle of the Bulge. But an even more important sign of the towns importance was the Bunting along the main street, it was made up entirely of bras, there was also a display on the town hall too. After walking around the town, we had a meal in an Ardennais restaurant, well if we have gone all that way, we want to sample the local food, rather than international food. We had Civet de Marcassin which is wild boar stew, and if you've never tasted wild boar and you like meat generally, you've missed out! Anyway photo's are of the bra bunting, I was amazed at it...............& of the WW2 reminders. Cheers, Eve

I've been sooo busy just recently, preparing for hols and also cramming in work, then going on Holiday to Luxembourg via the Channel Tunnel with our Land Rover and Caravan, stopping overnight in Northern France then driving through Belgium to Esch sur Sure where we spent just under two weeks. When we got back I had to attend a Charing Cross GIC appointment yesterday after catching up with two weeks worth of work e-mails, and then today again busy all day at work...............it's a hard life ! So Esch sur Sure, we pitched up the caravan and went out most days to other parts of the Ardennes including Germany and Southern Belgium which I think I'll cover with subsequent entries. The little village of Esch is situated on the River Sure which is a tributary of the Mosel (or Moselle en Francais), it also forms a large part of the border betweeen Germany and Luxembourg a bit further downstream. It's a in a lovely setting inside a loop of the river at the bottom (well aren't all rivers??) of a deep and steep gorge like valley, see the photo's and I hope videos if they can be attached? It rained a hell of a lot but it didn't spoil the holiday, we went out walking along the river and through the woods on the valley sides on days when we didn't go out farther afield via the Land Rover. Cheers for now, Eve IMG_1400.m4v IMG_1399.m4v

This afternoon I was talking to a female friend showing off my Miata and this guy looks out the car window and says yells to me and says "nice butt", had to be me because my friend was facing the other direction. Then the other day my neighbor tells me her husband saw me walking down the street but did not know it was me and said she has a nice butt then she goes, that's Karen. Funny in that I never got this before and know full well that taking hormones has zero effect on how one's butt looks so not sure why all of the sudden I am having men yell to me about my butt. What I can say even thought I am not into men that it's feels great getting these complements and is a confidence builder if nothing else. On a side note my friend whom I was with today purchased a new BMW sports car, seems that I was the fire to ignite her to purchase the new car. I think for the money my car was a better bang for the buck but will never tell her that as she spent $50,000 and I spent $30,000. In these matters best to simply compliment and leave it at that.

For anyone wondering how im posting all this so fast i have another blog (thegenderfiasco.wordpress.com), i felt like this might be a better place to do it, might get feedback and theres people here that have been through the same types of stuff. So anyway thanks for reading all the same :)

Clothes are a bit of an issue I think, well, for now. Its not like a man can stroll into the womens department and start trying on clothes, it's a lot of guesswork. For instance I want to see what my body might look like as a woman in womens clothes. This is tricky for a few reasons.. I don't own any womens clothes nor do I have access to any.I don't exactly know my size, about a medium I'd say. Whats that? 8? 10?Bras? Naturally if I do ascend into being a real woman one day I'll have breasts. I think I'm roughly a 34 back, cup size is a matter of preference I guess. Start at C and see where that goes.Now shoes. As a man I have relatively big feet, I can get my toes into a size 9 man shoe but are they the same? No idea, again wing it.That being said I love online shopping and eBay so I won't have to awkwardly walk around clothes shops pretending I don't know what I'm looking at because 'their not for me'. So I went on eBay and bought a top, leggings (comfy as hell), nice underwear and a bra that I imagine will fit. They should all be here sometime next week so I will probably document some findings on this here world wide web. Some advice for anyone out there in a similar position to me (if anyone out there reads this) , if you're buying anything like this then go online, you can get really cheap stuff on eBay to test your size then it's all done. After that you can get stuff wherever you want. Thanks for reading.

Happy Saturday everyone! I just finished my second full week with my new position and my mood is so much better than just a few weeks ago (when I wrote about feeling any lack of purpose). The new position involves managing the school's website and social media accounts. I thought what I had been missing was making a meaningful contribution, and that was true, but more specifically what makes this so good is that it calls on me to make independent editorial decisions, rather than just doing clerical work. Of course I get feedback on what I do, but I enjoy a lot of trust from my supervisor (and her feedback has all been very good and constructive - and reasonable considering I just started). So between my transition and my new position at work, things feel so much better! (The salary increase helps too - ironic that after becoming a woman they started paying me more). As a quick side-note, on Monday i'll be finishing off donating my male clothing, which also feels good (and admittedly I had worried a little about how i"d feel doing it). I found a group in NYC that provides services to people with AIDS, the clothing goes to those with limited resources, so I feel really good about that! And one correction - in my last post I misspelled my new middle name, it is "Anne," not "Ann." Final bit, I bought the cape below today (and a couple of fall/winter coats). Xoxo Christie