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I believe many here can sympathize with how you feel and is unfortunate that this happens. Myself like many others have travelled your path to one extent or another, some can deal with it while others can't and a cross road lays ahead where one path lies desperation and the other path which is usually difficult brings some semblance of relief or complete utopia. Should I take door number 1 or door number 2. And door number 2 can be very painful for the first few miles or the entire trip. I took door number 2 and never looked back while others have taken door number 2 and had partial or full regret. My saving grace was that even though I was rudely given a male body with a female inside I could for 50 years adapt for about 90 percent of the time to be somewhat happy and even over joyed at times until the female cried out to escape which until recently I could control then she demanded let me out and I complied.

And that's a thoughtful comment Christie........... I suspect that it's a combination of factors, but at what percentages will vary between individuals... But I'm not sure that your third point is quite right with perpetuating female stereotypes? for me it's more like emulating other females, behaviour and visually. But at what percentages do I put the three factors, I think that it varies with mood. Drilling down a little deeper isn't expressing your tue self as female, emulating females anyway? I've always found deep questions have answers like quicksand, they constantly shift, and different nuances to the questions and answers come into play................. I've got to stop now before I go mad, I just gotta be me......! Cheers, Eve xoxo

I can really relate to that, but have never explained in such summarised terms..............

I recently started a more serious conversation in therapy about what this (transition) really means. I'm not questioning it at all, i'm just trying to figure it out some more. Reading some of the thoughtful posts on here certainly helps, but doesn't get me all the way (and I realize "all the way" might not feel like far enough). I think the real question is how much of this is (1) expressing my real self (excellent), (2) overcoming habits from trying to live as a man for so long (good), or (3) perpetuating female stereotypes (not so good). Still much to figure out and learn xoxo Christie

Have you considered spending time with a therapist?

Last but one of your entries that I've read, it's like going backwards in time, peeling away layers.................. You've really gotten the bug to explain yourself, and get your secret offloaded............. Eve

Yeah I was fearful of rejections too, after being rejected by girls, and used by some others, it made me quite introspective in my late teens.........I expressed it as anger in my biker days from late teens to mid twenties, leading a misfit irresponsible lifestyle taking drugs etc..................I wasn't really happy, I never understood what happy was. Later when I tried talking about such things as sex change with my mother she poo-pooed it, even though I never let on that I was curious because I wasn't a "normal" typical male. Lets cut to the chase, It's only now that I feel happy after coming out as a Transwoman. It seems to me that you'll only be happy when you come out as a Transman.......leastways it seems to me to be your best shot at happiness. Cheers Eve

Your postings are very interesting this is the 4th or 5th in row that I've read, and itseems to me more and more that you really have to transgender, living a lie is unbearable. I had something similar not quite a lie, but a secret that I cross dressed in "The Closet", and couldn't bring myself to tell anybody, it was awful but I thought that I could control it. When I fnally came out to my 2nd wife it helped a lot but untill I came completely out to everyone the secret was an unbearably heavy burden on my soul, think of Frodo Baggins aka "the ring bearer", it felt kind of similar to me. Shame and guilt, hell yes, I felt all that but now it's gone and I feel free, happy, even joyful, I'm open and honest now, free of my earlier baggage.......... Cheers, Eve

I couldn't bring myself to like the above it's so sad, but I really feel for you. It sounds to me as if you need to be honest with yourself and others and stop blaming yourself, of course you're angry you've had to conform to other peoples ideas of what you should look like, behave like and be. But you're none of those things, be yourself, or you'll never be free of your torment of thinking you're a bad person. Other peoples ideas of what and who you should be?.........shit, that's their problem, let them get over it. We've all got to be who we are..............really. It's hard at first to let go of what society expects of us, it seems so scary and strange, even frightening at times, but it gets so much easier as time passes, I hope that you do find yourself and become yourself. Cheers, Eve

I agree with Karen, you're not a freak, but you sound quite confused, are you really bi-sexual or are you Transgender, or are you both? or do you want to be transgender? Most or at least many people have had confusing relationships in their early years, I almost had a gay relationship in my early teens but later the thought of being with a man, especially kissing a man turned me cold. I had many girlfreinds, but still liked to secretly cross-dress in the closet, but at all times I was attracted to females. Now that I have embarked on being a transwoman am I now gay? - in the lesbian sense of the term, but after taking hormones for a prolonged period of time I now fantasise about penises, but not the rest of the being around the edge of the pubic area! But I suspect I'll never do anything about that fantasy. Point is that it gets more and more confusing as time passes by and as one evolves...................I found it best to just be myself, enjoy and stop worrying. The only constant that has been in my life over the last 5 years is my wife - now termed as partner - whom I love dearly. I hope that this helps, by showing that you're not alone, not a freak, but just a human being............ Cheers, Eve

Yes, there's been remarkable LGBT progress in the UK since 2000, last Sunday I went to a pilot transgender swimming session ata Birmingham swimming pool, it was great, no aires and graces, peoeple were all friendly, M to F's and F to M's, full time pre-ops, post ops, and cross dressers, I suspect there might have also been some non-gendered or gender neutral people too. When I came out and started my real life experience it was both exciting and a nerve wracking experience, but similar to yourself work was fine. Some of my neighbours stared at me though and haven't spoken to me since, but hey ho, that's their problem, not mine. Cheers, Eve

Thank you for your comments, Karen. I have been told many times not to think of myself as a freak - and I must stop doing it - so I will take on board what you say about just having fewer options when it comes to relationships. I need to start thinking more positively. Thanks for reading.