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I'm not really sure if this is allowed or if I will be in trouble for this later, but I wanted to try. I havent many others to talk to right now, and I'm about to do a bit in my/our journal as well to let him know that this is being done. I know this may seem very strange to some of you, or all of you, but I feel as if I will go insane if I do not make my presence known to at least those within this site. Facebook is not a good place for me I believe. At least, most parts of Facebook. And I am not comfortable making my presence known to many within that site due to fear of rejection or possibly disbelief in my existence. I am not sure why this particular site seems more comfortable, but it is at the present time and I'm sure if needed....This blog post may be deleted at a later date if it is so desired. I believe that Ren has expressed his knowledge of myself although I do think that he has perhaps kept himself in denial to it, in fear of seeming a "freak". I assure him that this situation does not render him as such but of course, in this generation, appearance and mentality seems to be the root of reputation. I suppose this is a sort of experiment to see how my "coming out" will render in his life or if I should simply remain his ghost. But I wanted to introduce myself regardless, on the off chance that I happen to assist in his writing and the manner of speaking seeming rather odd for his personality. To at least clear up a little confusion as to his "style" of writing if and when it is occasionally altered. As he has become more and more aware of my existence, he has surprisingly been more willing to allow me participation in daily activities. So I expect to, hopefully, become more acquainted with this "family" within Transgender Guide. My name is Alexandru Dorian Vlk. I am twenty three years of age, male by all available descriptive purposes considering our outter shell, and yes; I am perfectly in agreeance to the status of being transgender. Although I do not personally identify as transgender myself as it is rightfully Warren's shell and not my own. I am merely a tenant. I am open to conversation and available to answer any questions, and I accept the pronouns of masculinity and the shortnames of all Alex, A, and A.V. Please do not believe me a figment of created imagination, as I do fully assure you otherwise,though your beliefs are of your own and I am not one to try and sway you from them. I am simply, as I previously stated, making myself known. I do greatly hope that this will not cause any unintended chaos or disruption, as it is not something in my wishes. If I am to contribute to this blog, if it is so allowed by Ren, then I will initial or sign with my own name at the beginning of paragraphs so that you may dissociate my thoughts and the such from Warren's. This is a bit new to myself as I am not normally allowed to front, but it is something that I intend to practice, if only in private if it is so desired. I want to brush up on my typing and writing skills, and perfect' my shorthand in due time. Matka vám žehnaj , A.

Honestly, dysphoria sucks so much. Its just like you have this shadow following you and constantly saying. "You're never going to pass as a female/male!" "You have a pair of boobs and a vagina/penis, so you can't be the other gender!" All those awful things. I look at myself in the mirror and it just. . . It sucks. I can barely even look at my body when I'm in the shower. I can't bind, and I can't pack because there's no way my mom or dad would allow me to. And I hate going to stores and having to walk into the girls bathroom. When I am hanging out with my friend Haylee and her mom (who supports me being trans and calls me the appropriate name and pronouns --plus she's bisexual and has a girlfriend--) allow me to go into the men's room if I need to go. Her mom also allowed me to shop in he men's/boys section for clothes. All I got was a jacket. If I had gotten anything else my mom would have flipped. But back to dysphoria. Its a pain in my ass, it really is and I just want it to go the hell away! It sucks, and I break down a lot because of it. I have three people to help me through it though, well, four actually. I've got Haylee, her mom, my Long Distance best friend Tyler and my boyfriend Chris. Chris is transgender too but has gotten most of his transitions done and has been on testosterone for about a year I think. Can't remember. . . I am trying my best to stay strong through all of this. I have to be strong or else I will get nowhere if I just give up now. And I don't intend on giving up anytime soon.

This time of year is traditionally known as the holidays, and my experience is that we should spend it with our families. Our culture is descended from traditional nuclear families, Judaeo-Christian religion and binary gender identities, and it’s time we took this day back from those who demand we practice their traditions. I hate Christmas, but I don’t think there’s anything humbug or Scrooge-like about my hating Christmas the way I do. I don’t think my heart needs to grow three sizes like the Grinch. The reason I loathe Christmas so much is that I resent living in a society that assigns you a Christian identity by default, unless you explicitly state otherwise. Jehovah's Witnesses, who don't celebrate Christmas, are afforded respect out of their own sense of Christian tradition. But non-Christians who don't fit the narrative of conformity are not given the benefit of the doubt. They are often coerced into recognizing and often celebrating a religious holiday that has no secular equivalent, that they are not given the option of not recognizing. The “war on Christmas” conspiracy theory is ironic and frightening being that Christianity began in a state of persecution. But today, all efforts to reflect the plurality of religious belief in our public institutions, including atheism and non-belief, is opposed by Christians who resent being told that they can’t impose their religion on others. In my experience in my family, Christmas has a "copy-of-Mein-Kampf-in-every-home-in-Nazi-Germany" quality to it. You're expected to put up at least a begrudging recognition of Christmas, in your own personal space, even if you have no love for Christmas at all. This is invasive. I don’t identify with the European-American visuals, decorations, music, and Christmas-themed entertainment of Christmas, and I am distressed that our culture has passively integrated retail promotion into daily celebration of something I legitimately don’t want in my life. Recognition of Christmas is a ubiquitous expectation of everyone, regardless of whether or not you fit the narrative of being a Christian. In my childhood it felt very suffocating. Many people are still trapped in a religious bubble where they have no choice but to pretend they are happy being immersed in Christmas when they don’t want to be. Most of what I dislike about Christmas is not bitter, resentful atheism. I have said before I am atheist, but I feel that is changing. My new, tentative theism has nothing to do with Christianity, and I am still pro-abortion, pro-freedom of gender identity and sexual orientation, pro-decriminalization of marijuana and sex work, and pro-recognizing sex work as real work. Christians have no right to claim me as one of their own. They have no right to say their beliefs are validated because I have possibly changed my mind. When I finally had a choice as an adult living on my own, I realized nothing about Christmas appealed to me, regardless of what I wanted to believe. Here are some examples. My living space is beautifully decorated all year round. I do not believe Christmas decorations are particularly pretty. They would diminish what I surround myself with and I am proud of. If I want to have a special look to my place for a special occasion, I would not put up a tree or anything particularly associated with Christmas. I like some parts of some Christmas music like Handel's Messiah, but I expect a lot of beautiful music to come from religious sentiment. I do not like a single post-industrial Christmas carol, which are almost all about retail promotion. I consider post-industrial Christmas music to be aesthetically and artistically inferior to non-Christmas music. I'm a post-20th-century believer in labour laws that respect individuals rather than a privileged class. There is something wrong with Christmas being a universal holiday on it's own. It is too specific towards one special group of Christians. I'd rather see a December statutory holiday that, for example, is the first Monday after December 21. Christians should not have the right to impose the arbitrarily-set birthdate of Jesus on others. But currently, this is the privilege they have. I think it's time we took it away.

So, I joined chorus because I enjoy singing. But we have concerts during the winter and spring. I found out last week that we had a chorus concert coming up on December 16th. We have to wear something formal to, and you know what that means. Dresses and suits and all of that fancy stuff. Im not into dresses or skirts, but I know my mom is going to try and force me into wearing a dress. I don't want to either. My boyfriend told me to refuse, and that is what I am going to do. And if that doesnt work then I will say: "if my dad wears a dress then i will," and i doubt my dad will put on a dress and go to see me at my chorus concert in a dress. Although it might piss off both my mother and father that i refuse to wear a dress, they have to realize that they cant control everything I do.

Me to my dad: "I suffered from a relapse of anorexia nervosa this fall and summer" My dad: "who's fault was that?" Me: triggered, feeling suicidal, hating the world, getting no help