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Hi all, My birthday is technically still 2 days away, but since I have access to a computer right now I thought I'd do this now. It seems like a good moment to just reflect on the past few years. First a quick timeline! March 2015 - this isn't really the beginning of the story, but this is when I actually recognized that I am transgender, and then shared that with my therapist. There was about a year or two of cross-dressing and exploring that lead to this point. One vital take-away is that from this moment on a lifetime of depression went away. I'm not saying I haven't been depressed about things since then, but the underlying, existential depression I experienced until then was gone - I stopped asking myself "Why can't I just be right?" August 2015 - I began "presenting full-time" as a woman, both at work and everywhere else. Working at a school helped this as the school was pretty empty during the summer, so I had time to acclimate without a bunch of faculty and students around. Also during this month I started taking hormones. July 2016 - I left my job to go back to school. I had been planning to go to school anyway, but part-time. My employer needed to reduce staffing, so they offered a buy-out which made my school decision easier ("easier"). It was still a tough choice to make - I had been there 10 years, it was secure, I had no idea what would happen if I left. I eventually spoke with my best friend on the phone about it (he had moved out to LA recently) and he asked "in 5 years what do you want to be looking back at?" - my decision was made. August 2016 - I had my breast augmentation surgery. September 2016 - I started school, pursuing a Masters in Social Work at NYU. For so long I had been trying to figure out what I really wanted to do in life, this choice seemed so obvious after I made it, but I know I couldn't have made this choice before coming out and transitioning. December 2016 - I had my GCS - YAY!!! May 2017 - finished first year of school - YAY!!! And that brings us to today. A lot has happened, and I'm thrilled with it, but I know that more still has to happen. For one thing I don't think I've quite fully internalized my own sense of being a woman, at times I still feel like an imposter. I suppose after living for 48 years identifying as a man it's bound to take some time. My recent decision to stop wearing wigs helped - I had put too much of my gender identity into them. I still very much fear being alone forever. I often find myself thinking that no man will ever accept me as a woman and be in a relationship. There is something to it, there are definitely men who would run away from the idea of dating a transgender person, but I also know that some of that thinking is part of what I said just before about not fully accepting myself as a woman. There's work to be done. I wonder if my sister will ever come around. I'd prefer to think that I'm fine just leaving her behind, but I know I'm not. We never had a very, very close relationship, but we generally had a good relationship and I miss that. I also know that I made the choice, I told her I didn't want to hear from her until and unless she was ready to accept me as a woman, and I can't back away from that. I'm often unwilling to accept some things that are simply true and can't be changed - they all focus around the fact that I was not born a cisgender female, and I will never have been. As a result I will physically never be a cisgender female, I will never have the experiences that a girl has growing up, etc. It's silly to reject those facts, but I still try sometimes. So that's more or less where I am right now - see what happens in the next year :-) xoxoxo Chrissy

Hi Everybody I am really sorry I have not been in touch with my blog over the last couple of weeks I have rather busy. As I had a spare minute I thought I would update you all. First of all thank you for the kind words again it is really nice to know I have found a place for support as I transcend from Male to Female. Still trying to speak to the press in the UK still have had no luck with that but have tried to get in touch with some local PR companies to see if they can help. Waiting to get back to me. Looking forward to the end of next month as I get my first couple of tattoos I am having two ribbons on my feet. A pink cancer ribbon on one foot and on the other a ribbon with lots of different colours for two reasons 1) To celebrate being transgender and 2) To show support to people with have autism. Still using Charlotte but still trying to pick a Disney Princess or Nickelodeon name to use Finally a sad and happy story. First the sad story. As a child I always wanted to get slimed on a TV show but was put off when one day at school I was told by some bullies that I was too ugly to be on TV. When I told my therapist this she informed that a theme park not too far away was doing a slime event during the summer and as i was going to the park I thought maybe I could get the chance to be Slimed. Sadly a very ride staff member told me that it was just for kids (I know this not true). Also they said as I was trans people like me should not be allowed to do fun things like that. Thankfully I have complained and the company are trying to resolve this. But the happy event that happend was today when I was at practice for a superbike racing event this weekend. I love collecting autographs of both bike riders and car racers. Some of the riders asked if I was trans due to my make up and clothing. I said I was as they asked me in a really nice way. I was talking to them and they asked if I wanted them to sign the autograph to my real name or trans name. A couple of the riders said they were really jealous of both Trans and Gay people as they had the guts to be themselves and be proud of who they are. They also said they were jealous of us because we were so brave. This is from people who race 200MPH superbikes. But it made me feel a million dollars and I bet they do not know how good it felt they said that.

Hi everyone, I took a somewhat unexpected next step on Friday - and it came with a pretty big bit of self-realization. Since I started wearing a wig regularly (going on 2 years now) I've been rather relaxed about haircuts. The last couple of haircuts were self-inflicted - I mean "self-done" - and so my natural hair has, I'm sure, not looked so great. But it didn't matter, nobody was seeing it - even if I just went downstairs for laundry, etc., I'd at least wear a baseball cap. It occurred to me that if I actually met someone and started dating, they would eventually need to see it. So I've known for a little while that I at least needed to get a real haircut and not keep doing it myself. At a practical level I wasn't sure how that would work - would I go someplace without a wig on to get it done? Unlikely. Would I wear it and take it off when I got there? That seemed likely, but possibly awkward. I had lunch with a friend on Friday (Bastille Day!!!) and mentioned all of this, and showed her a picture I had found on-line of a hair style that I thought might work for me (BTW, my hair is quite thin, and there is some male-pattern baldness, that's what's made going natural so difficult for me). She agreed with the style, and with my "plan" to go to Supercuts after our lunch. To help me along she insisted that I send her a selfie when I was done :-) I like that kind of thing, being "backed into a corner" helps overcome any last-minute jitters. So I went to Supercuts. There was one guy and two women doing hair - I was hoping not to get the guy - I didn't. I explained to the person who did my hair that the last cuts had been my own before I took the wig off, and I showed her the picture I found. I knew she couldn't do exactly what was in the picture, I don't have enough hair :-( But she got the idea, she knew what I was going for, and she did a great job!!! I had fully anticipated that I would put the wig back on when we were done, but then I didn't, I went home "natural" (and mind you this was in the city, so "going home" involved a 10 minute walk in Manhattan to the PATH train, a 20 minute train ride, then a 10 minute walk home). It's not my "fantasy" hair style, but I'm not likely to ever have that (see above re "not enough hair", plus I don't think the Farrah hairstyle is so popular these days). Below is a picture I took after I got home (so my hair was dry). A "pixie cut" as I came to learn is what it's called :-) Pardon the exposed bra strap and lack of any make-up! The self-realization happened because as I was walking home I felt a sense of liberation from not wearing a wig. I realized that I had let my wig(s) represent my gender - subconsciously I only felt like a woman with a wig on. Not that I won't ever wear them again, but I need to work through this (especially now that I'm on summer break, so I have some freedom to ease in). Friday night I had to make a trip to Rite Aid, so I decided to do it without a wig. Then yesterday when I went to play tennis I didn't wear it, and again today I went to the gym and the supermarket without it. It really does feel good, it feels like another step towards authenticity :-) ***Please know that I'm not criticizing wearing wigs!!! I know a lot of trans people do, and obviously I was for 2 years and probably will continue to do so. I just personally need to know that I'm fully me with or without it*** Here's a pic - And unrelated to this post - here is a picture of Cinammon. I got her a few days before my GRS (at Duane Reade when I was getting my surgery-related prescriptions), she went with me to Philadelphia for the surgery, was with me through the entire recovery and ever since :-) Particularly in the few weeks right after surgery, when I couldn't really write in a journal, I often talked with her about things that I was feeling...she's a great listener, she doesn't judge, she just smiles :-) xoxo Chrissy