TiffanyS

Hello again everyone I've been wanting to post a blog entry to let everyone know how things are going and whats happening in my life but I haven't really gotten the chance with working two jobs and trying desperately to get out of debt (much to my own dismay). First of all yesterday I went to another doctors appointment for a checkup and to increase my dosage of estrogen and to get prescribed some mild antianxiety/antidepression medication. Everything went really well, eventhough when I first got there, the nurse that intially saw me was visibly uncomfortable checking my weight and takeing my blood pressure. I mean she was nice and didn't say anything but I could easily tell because she didnt make any eye contact, didn't speak very much to me, and left the room as quickly as she could. It didn't really bother me too much at the time but I thought it was pretty rude of her but thankfully my doctor was, as always, nice to me and really wanted to know how I'm doing and seems like she truely cares about me Recently I started talking to my work about the possiblility of me transitioning at work and much to my suprise, the talk went really well. My store manager emailed the corporate head quarters and they said that they are completely supportive of me and my need to transition. It was really great to hear that and now I am considering weather to stay at the store I am at or transfer to another store. I am debating transfering when my hair is a little longer, and my body has changed a little more. Im hoping to go through with my transfer around july or august or september. I figure with my increased dosage and the fact that I will have been on hormones for over a year that I should be able to pass by then, at least I hope so. Other than that, my life has been pretty tame. My brother finally came around and has started to accept me for being trans and wanting to fully transition. It took him a while but I think we can really mend our relationship to the way it was or possibly even be better than what it was. Im working on figureing out where I want to move to in the summer. Living with friends and my parents has been alright but I really need my own place where I can do what I want when I want and have total privacy. I think it would also be nice for everyone else because I do work such odd hours and the days I have off I won't be bothering anyone being awake at 3 or 4 in the morning. Also I've started to plan a career after I come out full time and I am planning on going back to school to get my nursing certification. I've talked with a lot of people and they say that the medical field is very accepting of transgender people and are very much an eual opportunity empolyer. So hopefully I will be able to start school early next year and be ready for a new career shortly after that. I know its a long time away but I can really use this time to work and save money and ready myself for the coming months and anticpate the coming changes in my life. Lastly I've stared going to more group meetings here and I've found them a lot more informative than I used to. Also i've seen a few other girls closer to my age showing up to them. Its nice to connect with other tgs who are closer to my age and really good to talk to them in person. Eventhough most are still earlier in their transition than I am but its still great to talk to them. Well thats all I have for now, hope everyone is doing well <3 Tiff

Sophie Im sorry you've been confused on soo many different things when it comes to transitioning. I think we've all been there at one point or another. One thing I took solice in, and a really important thing my therapist told me, is transitioning is a lengthy process. A lot of us see other trans people able to quickly go from step to step to step and it seems like they are fully transitioned and living in stelth in the matter of like 2 years (which is the minimum for most places and surguries i've seen). We each need to go our own pace so we can all be financially stable to transition and feel comfortable in our lives. I've talked to a few girls who always said that when they reach such and such stage in their transition they will feel better about themselves, but they don't cuz they didn't take their time to feel comfortable with the changes in their lives and telling their families and letting things have a chance to settle in. There is a way out of your "corner", it just takes time to find it. I think if you plan out your transition and write it down so you can look at it and feel comfortable with it and not feel like its too fast or slow. Cheer up girl <3 tiff

So another month down of hormones and the changes haven't been physical but definately mental. Maybe its a lot of stuff going on with me lately or the stress of whats to come, but I've been a mix of sad, angry, annoyed, depressed, flighty, and rediculously hyper. It could just be the fact that my living situation (or lack there of) is really starting to bother me, or the fact that every other week it seems like I have my brother sending me an email basically saying how I'm an aweful person and that its "unnatural" to do this to my body and how im going to tear our family apart. Its just so frustrating because I try to talk to him to get him to understand and respond to what he says but he either never reads my email or just disregards them. I try to call and nothing, I text him and nothing. I always knew transitioning would be tough and I heard all the stories from others talking about how their families didnt accept them, but the basic hatred for me from my own brother, the same one that once told me once that he'd always be there for me no matter what, i guess this doesn't count under the "no matter what". I've been back seeing my therapist again (how i can come up with the money Im still totally unsure of but im managing). Im happy to be going again and its a total relief. My therapist generally cares for me and is always looking out for me, as well as her intern. They really help me start to feel better and start to direct my life in a positive direction. Other than working way too damn much and finding time to sleep and have the little bit of social life that I have left, I've been a bum. I basically have just been watching old episodes of shows I've watched 100s of times before. I don't know if its cuz im just being lazy or if im looking for some sort of happy feeling that I once had when I saw the episodes before. Im anxious, scared, excited, optomistic, and all sorts of other emotions for the future. In a short few months my transition is going to hit the next level. Im really hoping to improve some of the relationships with my family and friends. On a happier note, Im hoping to go to SCC in atlanta come september. If I can get enough money together (which shouldnt be that big of a deal cuz its a good 8 months away) but I was curious if anyone else was planning on going to it. I've never gone to any of these conferences before but I thought it would be fun and have a chance to meet many others like us in person. If you are going, please send me a message. Anyways thats all for now. Sorry for this being a depressing entry, I just kinda needed to get it off my chest. My mom started calling me "eeyore" trying to cheer me up since i've been so glum lately. Im sure its just a mix of a lot of different things right now and ill be better soon <3 Tiff

Emma, at first when i was on hrt i wasn't noticing any of the changes or having any major outbreaks of acne. I still haven't had any acne problems, then again when i went through my first puberty i didn't have any problems with acne. So maybe im just lucky that way. The chest pains will slowly subdue and youll notice your breasts starting to grow, I don't know if you just get used to the dull pain (unless you bump them then youll notice some pain lol). My moods didn't start to get a little more rollercoastery until i was about 4 months on hormones. Its great to feel and experience things differently but at the same time its hard snapping at the wrong people or just being emotional for no reason. How long have you been on hormones? Are you on injectable or oral form? Let me know how you are doing k :)

2011 here we are. Hope everyone had a safe and happy new year and I hope everyone is still doing good with your new years resolutions. I broke one of the two of mine already but o well no big deal lol. Anyways this year will be a BIG year for me, much better planned out than last year. I really thought it through and while it felt like this tide was moving me along in my transition, I feel more in control now and happy about my transition. Now Im just playing the waiting game. Im not waiting for any certain life events, well i guess i am, im just waiting for my hair to grow out more so i won't need to wear a wig out. Come march I am going to be coming out to my work and telling them im trans and working with my job to hopefully be able to work as a girl, be a girl full time and finally feeling right all the time. After all I'm not going to have much choice come summer. Cuz the longer I am on hormones, the more my body will be changing and soon I won't be able to hid the changes. This is one of the last seemingly impossible hurdles to accomplish in my transition. I know that there will be a lot of hardships inbetween but when it comes to transitioning there are 5 early stages that are the hardest to overcome, #1 coming out to family, #2 coming out to spouse, #3 starting the transitioning process, #4 coming out to work, #5 start living full time. Except for the last two I have already acomplished the others and am ready to start my life living as a woman. I realized one thing though in the last couple of months I have been stuck working two jobs trying to pay for everything, Im currently stuck in apartment that is a lot more than i wanted to spend per month but that will end soon so I may be able to quit one job and still be fine, or keep both and finally be able to start more savings and be able to afford more things and save for srs. But thats not the point, I haven't had much of a chance to talk to my tg friends so i've made up for that by going online and chatting in my fav chat rooms. Let me tell you (and this is a good learning tip for all other transpeople looking for support) be aware of who you are talking to. The majority of men in chat rooms are mostly just looking sex. Even a lot of the "trans" people in the chat rooms, are normally their to try and hook up with trans girls. I put trans in quotation marks cuz a lot of times it seems to me like men posing as tgs to get more of a chance to chat with you. Its really tough to deal with sometimes. Like just the other day I had a rough day, my brother sent me an email telling me how much he hates the fact im trans and wondering why im hurting the family like that. Which really hurt my feelings and i needed to be comforted. Well one of the guys, who i thought was nice, was chatting with me and to cheer me up sent me a picture of his.........well man part. I didn't know how to react and i was upset and felt really bad about myself like he knows im suffering and still only cares about his own sex drive more than me. Later i was talking to another supposed nice guy who was starting to be supportive, then asked what i was up to, what i was wearing, was i wearing a bra, and if he could get a picture of me in my bra. Again i was angry and felt horrible about myself. So I thought I would post this, not just to rant or complain, but to help other trans girls and boys out there who are looking for people to talk to and warn them whos out there. Anyways I am doing great, life on hormones is fantastic and I am hoping to restart electrolysis in february. Hope everyone is going well. Don't be afraid to message me anytime or check out my vids on youtube, the link is in my profile. <3 tiff

When I think back about the last year, I really can't believe how far I've really come since this time last year. Last year around this time, I was in a committed relationship with a person who I thought loved me for me and accepted all my faults (wasn't the case), I was dealing (not very sucessfully) with my gender identity issue on my own and in my own way, my family life was very stable, and I was working a job that I thought was pretty good and treated me fairly. Fast forward a year and things are much much different. I started going to therapy for my gender idently, my therapist recommended me for hrt and I started taking hormones, I started doing electrolysis (hoping to continue in feburary after two months off), my relationship ended, my family is kind of a mess, I lost my place to live, I changed jobs and am working two jobs now, and I've made many friends online and in real life that accept and understand my gender identity issues. Even though there were some pretty big downs, Im really happy with my life. Im happy that Im transitioning and am excited to see what the results for me will be in three, six, and twelve months. Im much more comfortable with myself and carrying myself in everyday life when I'm out as tiffany and have learned soo soo much about being a girl in everyday life. So thats all for 2010, and now time to look forward to 2011. There are a few things that Im really hoping to accomplish. First Im hoping to have my real hair grown to the length im comfortable with so I don't have to rely on a wig. Second Im hoping to have a job or two as tiffany. Whether its where I currently work or someplace new, I just want to be able to work as the girl that I know I really am. Third, Im hoping to have my own place. This should be the easiest one to achieve cuz to be honest im sick of sleeping on friend's couches for a few nights. Lastly I want to be living full time by the end of the year or very close to it. This one will probably be the hardest to accomplish but I know since its something I really want, I'll find a way to accomplish this. Last but not least, I just wanted to say thank you everyone on here for reading my blog and commenting when you thought you would give me some advise on what to do or share stories about things you've gone through which makes me feel better that Im not the only one going through this. Special thank you's to JenniferNicole, Stephani, Serenity, Bonnie, Amie, BobbieJo, Rob, jennag, LisaNB, CarolineTyler, ValerieMae, Jesslyn, AshleySummers, and all the rest who i've talked to and replied to messages and who've responded to mine. You all mean the world to me and I love you all. Anyways, before I start getting all emotional I'll wrap this up, anyways I hope everyone had a great 2010 and hope everyone has a safe new years and I will talk to you all in 2011. <3 Tiff