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Aenon
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I really think I lost it this morning probably because I've been off my estrogen for a week(intending renew prescription soon). But coming into this room I saw only things contaminated with the past. Things that made me angry, or only reminded me of who I was trying to escape. Rather then taking the rational “im the walking away route.” I ignored the option ripped piece of masculine clothing off the hangers even broke a few in a fit of rage I screamed in random protest of growls and liberating grunts covering every inch of my room with fabric. An made plans to go out with friends this week end to burn it. But even though I made this intended progress what to do I do next. Do I really burn though I think this idea is best this is who I need to be to the point of being assured . I want to eventually have to have another day in some kind of work force . Because being paid out of some type of Tax break loop hole, or stealing to get medication is eventually gonna run out. Is it really possible I can justifiably lie on a application and say im just a woman with out the background checks,id's or body examination's to prove the otherwise so soon?Times like this I really miss college or times i really wish i had much more interest in suicide so i didn't have to consider all this.
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Life, meh honestly lately , ive lost a lot of respect for humanity, here in the states i look out side and instead of seeing the metro link i see the place i almost got beat last year for being different. I look at high school near by my home and instead see that place i was picked on for being different. I usually have the habit of crying easily or trying to commit suicide when things like this happen. So its not real suprize when January began i freaked out like all those times repeating over and over again one more year “of this another year of hell” an cried thinking maybe i should try to kill my just one more time.
But suddenly something hit me some thing hit me hard no seriously my keyboard fell on my foot that shit hurt. But yeah i kept crying repeating the same word as before after the other while hysterically falling in to a panic attack some might would consider a seizures . “Saying i hate myself and want to die..” But some thing in my head clicked “I WANT TO DIE” .Is there Really any thing any one can do worse then making me realize what i did .So i decided to kill myself. Not with knifes,bullets or blow torches. Socially I told my self. I'd use this year to save up enough money that i could fly out and get my surgery (me and doctors from Bangkok have been discussing for awhile). Then move it doesn't matter where i go or how i do it its just i cant stay here. Its not even just my Male to Female transition its that i really hate this f-ING town. I hate the smell, i hate how it wants to be the city, i hate the culture, I hate its religious background i have to talk myself in and out hating my friends I hate every thing about it. I need to get out .
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