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KarenPayne

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  1. KarenPayne
    Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore.

    Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs.

    Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life.

    Thinking of "difficult path", I think nobody can deny that at one time or another we entertain our worst nightmares. I will be the first to admit to this were I would go to bed with horrible thoughts that I would never become the female on the outside that needed to happen. I can not even imagine some peoples nightmares were getting to the point they need to be will never happen, not the right support, lacking in funds and no real support from family, friends and co-workers. Then on the other side of the coin we have physical transformation which provides a huge step in "the" journey but also have many downsides. Downsides (my fav) like dilation, w/o hormones your body does not naturally produce them. How about finding a partner to love, that can be a path filled with happiness or depression, a true roller-caster. Neither path is peaches and crème but for me I am truly happy (except for dilation) and welcome what lies ahead and prey that those travelling this path never, ever give up finding their true selves.

    In closing this in many ways has been an (in a good way)emotional day, this is what hormones do and I welcome them (except when my mascara runs).


  2. KarenPayne

    Ladies restrooms

    By KarenPayne,

    I have been using them for the past year. mostly public restrooms such as malls, restaurants and the likes.

    What is was surprised about was hearing women siting in the stall next too me and would say that 95% of them use the paper on the toilet to protect themselves while on contrast I would say it's almost the reverse for the men's restroom. Not that I am sitting there listening for that but for whatever reason this is the case. Anyways I always when available use the paper cover as one never knows who or what resided on the seat before me. Even I noticed I missed a few drops once or twice unlike (and this is a very distant memory) shaking the you know what at the urinal. So that got me think about a video on the web, a plastic device so women can stand and pee, they had a handful try it out and I think they were not impressed, neither would I be either.

    Now in the restrooms in my company there are these containers hanging in each stall which I have been using to hang my purse on for months now. Finally was curious enough to open the lid, yes, that was a bad idea and will leave it at that.

    Overall I am finding the women's restroom much cleaner than the men's restrooms but there have been a few times when I went into a stall and backed out as fast as my feet would move.

    One final note, in the ladies restroom in my area someone leaves three bottles of hand lotion, strawberry, lavender and vanilla. Two bottles are taped together, not sure why but love the idea of the lotions there.

  3. KarenPayne
    I at no time in my life contemplated suicide which I have learned recently through more than one source (on example came from a video I mention here) that 41 percent of people going under the knife will attempt suicide. Never would I had thought that there were many who actually regretted going under the knife as told in this web site.
    I would think that one reason for this is that a person with regret may very well had a ill equipped therapist that was not qualified to access transgender (or maybe they are not transgender at all) to be a candidate for gender reassignment surgery. Perhaps another reason might be that the person seeking gender reassignment surgery was able to fool a therapist into a diagnosing them as suitable candidates for  gender reassignment surgery. Thinking about it I can see that it would be easy to get away with fooling a therapist but wonder what those people think will happen by doing this?
    When I made the commitment to change gender I first spent time sitting alone questioning myself, self-evaluating myself to no end until I thought back that there were no in decisions, it was not about having sex as a female and knew full well this could very well be an journey that might spiral out of control with no return ticket to reverse the process. As stated in the letter of consent just prior to surgery the signature I penned says this is irreversible, no going back. For me, this was the green light I was looking for while others who realize after the fact they must of had blinders on. Was there do diligence done as I did?
    Bottom line is gender reassignment surgery is not for everyone even though some go to bed at night wishing they would wake up in the gender they believe they should had been at birth but were denied. There is a reason why there are classifications such as in the image below that a truly qualified therapist will classify a client in and not just mark them all as a true transsexual.
    You would think that after spending one year in the gender you think you should be that with every day that passes you would know if you can make it in that gender. One has that entire year to forge forward or retreat back to whence they came from a birth. 
    At the very least, sit down in a quiet place as I did and be true to yourself and afterwards take the test and if you land in in a category that says you are a true transsexual find a therapist that has experience with working with transgender people. Most likely you will then begin hormones prior to the therapist recommendation which is yet another check-point to move forward or backwards. Once the therapist approves you we are at the another point of decision, move forward or move backwards and remember, between the time you start with a therapist and finish with a therapist you are living live in the gender you want to be "forever" and forever is a long time to enjoy or learn to hate depending on your age.
    Choose wisely.
     

  4. KarenPayne

    Coming of age

    By KarenPayne,

    For so many years I would dress in the morning in tactical clothing which includes a firearm inside my trousers and a revolver at the ankle and would stay that way until bed time. Slowly this became coming home at immediately disrobing into female jeans or leggings and a female top with flats. Those days are completely gone now hurray for that other than use to taking 15 minutes in the morning to 30 to 40 minutes in the morning where the majority of this time is "what will I wear today" which turns into "that looks good" to "Oh, wore that two days ago" to "wore something similar yesterday" to "I think this will do but not sure about the shoes" Yeek. Yes I do the same thing with my undergarments too. The funny thing is as the weather becomes increasingly warmer (yeah in the nineties plus) I find myself when at home undressing down to a tank top, no bra and panites and keep my capris close by for when someone comes to visit. Also, no shoes (really).
    It is fun looking back in time to how life was for many years to evolve into "I'am getting closer" to "I have arrived". 
    For many travelling this path I can say with utmost certainty that baby steps are better than taking huge leaps from one gender to another gender. It gives one time to accommodate both the mind and body to your true gender. Think of it as a per-teenage girl growing up where they learn through the years to become a woman rather than one day declaring they are a woman. Same goes for female to male, lessons are learned and you are acclimated to that role.
    Some will think "I can't wait to be away from the day to day burden of this wrong body" but I urge you to take time to become accustomed to not only your body but also how people see you and people can tell (thinking male to female) when you do things out of place which goes back to my recent entry Feminine Movement.  I find myself doing cisgender things in the past few months that I was not in the past and see men noticing me more and more, you can tell "that look" which is "hottie" or "is that a man or female" and I am getting the "hottie" look more and more (and I like even more when females give me that look).
    So take your time and be the man or woman you are comfortable with.
    “Where should I go?" -Alice. "That depends on where you want to end up." - The Cheshire Cat.” 
    ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
     
     
  5. KarenPayne
    I have written multiple times about dilation in regards to lots of lube and yes, pain. Recently, five months after reassignment surgery I am down to a drop of lube the size of a quarter and finding intimate encounters are much better than dilation. When one has intercourse for at least 15 minutes this counts to one session of dilation. I am 90 percent into females and the remainder into couples. I became friends with a couple that had nothing to do with sex but after time did and do enjoy a threesome.
    The upside to using less lube is
    Takes less time to dilate Much less time to clean up Feels good to push a dilator inside seamlessly. For me, I have an excess of lube. So for those taking this journey I want you to know it does get better even though the first month or so you will want to quit which does you no good as things will close up and be left with no opening.
    Another thing I have noticed is there is more moisture and natural lubrication especially when aroused. I am still waiting for the ability to have a complete orgasm where at this point it's fairly intense and last a long time but feel it's not fully there yet and have heard from others it take between eight and twelve months.
     
  6. KarenPayne
    I get in the shower, wash my hair which is done every week and sometimes two weeks. Stare at myself in the mirror and think, I am bored with my hair color and need to change it to simply blonde rather than blonde with a tad of brownette.
    So I waited until my fav salon opened, two hours later and went in, chatted with my stylist and she told me what she would do for me. Well three hours later we finished up and I am very happy with the results (need to take a picture still).
    Two hours is when I need to get out of the chair, went outside and by accident my thumb touched my still wet hair and did not noticed for about 30 minutes, eek, damage done, my gorgeous nail was now smeared with hair coloring so once finished I went to the nail salon, for them it was less than five minutes. She uses a Dremel to remove the color, puts on a new top coat then one minute for the clear coat to dry. They never charge me so that was nice.
    Any ways those dang hormones are too blame for me spending $150 to get my hair done where if I simply had a touch up done the cost would be about 40-50 dollars. Girls, I would not have it any other way, just that over the past six months (and my hair stylist thinks the same) I am doing crazy things that pregnant woman do. Now I will really be upset if I get cravings for  pickles and icecream  
    EDIT
    Well I swear, started out the day in a black skirt, black tights, black top and flats for getting my hair done. Came home to wash the car and changed into tennis shoes, shorts and the same top. Now my brain says,  off with the shorts and bring on the capri's and red flats. I am such a girl.
  7. KarenPayne
    My background includes certifications in what I call common defense that does not require years of training but does requires that my everyday students (I have professionals in military and police students). Two years ago I went under the knife to transition and after 12 plus years of teaching I put a pause on teaching.
    Over the past decade or so I've read about people in the LGBT community murders, bullied and so on. This gave rise to me seeking out in the past few months a place to teach that would be okay with the establishment allowing me to teach.
    Friday night I was given permission by the most popular LGBT club (I know some here are from Salem so it's South Side Speakeasy( to use their large back room normally for a card club (poker I believe is the popular choice). I provided my bio to the owner, told him what I would be teaching and the cost. He was very happy with me putting on this class and said it's been a long time coming.
    Note that the cost is nominal, more to get the interested to come as I've done free classes before where my assistants and myself noticed differences in commitment between those who paid and those who did not. 
    If anyone here is within the Portland/Salem Oregon area feel free to respond to when the dates will be. My first idea is to wait until after most people have finished their vacations and have the class on a Sunday mid-day into the early evening.
    Lastly, hopefully others here that are capable of teaching such a class are doing so in their area.
  8. KarenPayne

    Two year anniversary

    By KarenPayne,

    It’s been exactly two years to the day since gender confirmation surgery. Looking back over the past two years I’ve notice as time rolls by (especially in the past six months) I’ve assimilated well into my new life.

    I have, and not a conscious decision becoming removed from online forums that focus on the LGBT community yet still locally involved with a group in town and in Portland. Why bring this up? Over the years I’ve heard that many who transition physically will distance themselves from the LGBT community and now from experience believe that (at least in my case) it’s not always distancing oneself from the community but simply settling into the new life. I’ve never been or will be that type of person who distances themselves from the community for any reasons other than subconscious reasons of feeling comfortable in my new life.

    Back at Christmas time I went on a dinner cruise (see image below) with a local Portland Oregon group known as the Rose City Girls where I’ve only met a handful before attending the dinner. I was amazed that at the girls I chatted with a dinner whom I had not met before all thought I was a cisgender female. One of the girls I met five or so years earlier didn’t even recognize me from five years ago until I told her and she said that I had changed a good deal and still was not sure I was that cross-dresser from years past. So that really confirms that I took the right path in life by making the decision to physically transition.

    Do I have any regrets? My thought had been, wish I had transitioned ten or more years ago yet what if I did, where would I be right now? Better not to think too much about this and simply move forward as the past is the past and nothing can change it. 

    Profession wise this month I went from a position at one state agency to another state agency one block down the road. Only the CIO know my former identity as she once worked at my former agency and had asked me two years ago to come work for them but the time was not right until the first of this month.

  9. KarenPayne

    Can not stand it...

    By KarenPayne,

    I am getting my armpits waxed on Friday and was told to not shave to two weeks. I look under the arm and see a small forest and can not wait until it's gone, screw saving the forest, I want smooth and silky. Nuff said.

    BTW This is my first waxing.
  10. KarenPayne
    I was concerned about my name change getting done on time as it has been 24 days since I started part two of the process and was suppose to be done in seven to ten days. Looked in the mail, nothing so I decided to head on down to the courthouse and see what was going on expecting to get a reply I was not looking for. Well I was surprised to learn it was slated to go out in the mail today. The two people work the desk pretty much got it done today and walked out as Karen Payne. Tomorrow my plan is to visit DMV to get a new drivers license so that I can now book my airfare for my trip in two weeks for GRS.

    Also had a meeting with my immediate team at work about my plans for GRS, all went extremely well. Tomorrow I come out to the section I work in then take the afternoon off for DMV.
  11. KarenPayne

    New cards

    By KarenPayne,

    Just returned from obtaining my new driver license that has gender as Female with my new name then went to my bank, changed my debt card over to Karen Payne.

    Do I feel different, no but happy it's done Do I feel one step closer, heck yes. The two people at DMV were so nice too me

    Ended up not able to sleep very well last night and had a bad dream that from start to finish of the name change process I had spelled my last name wrong. Woke up and had to check my license to confirm I did not make the mistake.

    Update, just ordered return labels and business cards with my new name
  12. KarenPayne

    Countdown

    By KarenPayne,

    Six days until surgery, feeling content right now. About the only thing that is a possible issue revolve around, did I bring everything I need?

    Anyways I plan on keeping a journal from arrival in California through out the time I am in California to the weeks following for recovery on the blog in my signature in hopes it will help anyone else following a similar path as me. Yes I know there are plenty of entries on the web for this but each story is somewhat different than the ones prior so this will be my experience.
  13. KarenPayne

    Oh what fun

    By KarenPayne,

    So I arrive in San Francisco, love the hotel room, went out food shopping then downed to twos of A1 coffee (I tend to only drink water and coffee) and then thought, how will I get to the pre-surgery appointment tomorrow morning?

    Open the phone book to Taxi cab companies, there are about 20 WHAT. I call one and they said, how can I help you ma'am? I told them what I needed in the morning but got a bad feeling so I thought why not ask the front desk to see which cab company they recommended.

    She says where are you going, gave her the address and said you do not need a taxi as you are from the Bower group. What time do you need to be there? Told her 8AM and booked me a ride. I then asked, how do I get back, they said call the number (gave me the hotel card) for the front desk and we will pick you up WOOHOO.

    Many people said I could get a room for about one third of the price and I said (but this is on trust) all facts given to me point to this hotel being in alignment with Marci's surgeries and from what has happen since I have arrived is even better. So for anyone using Marci, they give you many choices to stay but most have far less then this hotel and are not in tune with Marci.
  14. KarenPayne

    Deep waters

    By KarenPayne,

    Many times in my past life it was difficult or nearly impossible to find common ground to convey concepts and feelings to others without a conundrum in and of itself. Things change but the world in all its vastness stays small and elusive to these matters. This is where those who are members here can find common ground and try or do make sense of the issues, emotions and trials we endure. We touch each other sometime out in the open while other times silently and deep. In my own way try and invoke thought but also stay out of the dark waters yet elude to the fact caution is needed in somethings. And with that said I feel that there are some who believe their journey can be achieved through hopes and magic but you and I know that is not the case.

    We need to go to the deepest parts of our desires and rattle that cage and ask deep questions for without doing so we invite doom into the picture and that leads to very bad places where no one should have to go for leaving on one’s own accord may never happen outside of depression or worst.

    What do I mean by dark waters? It’s a bunch of little things that when combined together turns from being a ripple to a tidal wave. There are consequences for one who cross dresses or changing one’s gender that if one does not do the research may be in for the tidal wave. A consequences we all think about is “what happens if someone caught me dressed in the opposite gender” or you changed gender in mid-life and now for lack of a better phrase “a teenager again” learning things that might take years for someone to learn growing up and now one thought before the gender change it would be easy yet I know some who did not prepare beforehand. I was lucky to had done research and had gender coaches who helped me before going under the knife.

    Hopefully those who read this will take something out of these ramblings to heart and take time to flush out everything else in your head and focus on the matter of gender. Ask yourself “Who am I”, “Is my current path logical and sound”, “how will the decisions I make today affect me ten years down the road” or “how will indecision affect me ten years down the road”. Then take that ten years and change it to “the rest of my natural life”. Be honest with yourself.

    More times than I can count I spent time with myself and ask many questions over and over again until a solution was at hand and even laying on the table in the operating room I had no reservations because all my known issues had answers. Now with that said I would be lying to you saying I knew it all, nobody does so there are still some dark spots that have appeared to me but took time to overcome them.

    One last thing on dark waters. I grandchild ask his grandfather, what did you do in the war? Grand dad give the child a story that the child can understand and does not go into gory details or even that he soiled his pants (commonly known to soldiers as a battle crap) before going into battle. That is where I am coming from with gender reassignment surgery, myself or others generally do not go into all the details but there are some teenagers out there on youtube that will openly tell viewers that "if I had known" this would happen afterwards I would had thought twice about GRS.

    So do the chat with yourself and get your ducks lined up before moving forward.





  15. KarenPayne
    It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery.
    Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually no coverage for insurance and is out of state. Why thirty thousand dollars, because this is the high end while twenty thousand is the low end yet that is only bottom surgery so we can get to the higher end if say a skin graph is needed for better depth of your new vagina if the penis is not good enough to supply the depth. Many will opt for have their Adam's apple shaved which could tack on say two thousand, get the idea.
    Add on dollars for staying in a hotel, food, transportation and all the little things that one will need for day to day live then on top of this various medications prescribed to you several days before surgery by your surgeon. The average stay for out of state surgery, two weeks.
    The hidden cost will trickle in over the months after surgery for various services the hospital provided ranging from EKG test to what will appear as insignificant services such as one I got in the mail last night for $133.00 which is one of a handful over the past few months. Thinking of these (at least for me), months prior to surgery you should be receiving various documents from the surgeon's office that will either be up front or buried within statements that indicate there may be cost that are unforeseen such as blood work and other test.
    With that in mind rather than saving for the surgery and cost to stay there for two weeks make sure to save money for not only time away from work which is roughly five weeks but also the charges that will surely appear over the months after surgery. Better to over save then be surprised down the road where possibly every single dollar counts for surviving while recovering those five weeks and beyond. I am living proof as well as many who came before me that it's better to prepare for the unknown charges now rather than later.    
    On the other hand perhaps you have great insurance that covers most or all of the cost for surgery, there will still be things that i mentioned above that will not be covered like five weeks off from work, paying rent etc. so please be prepared beforehand.
     
  16. KarenPayne

    Be safe today

    By KarenPayne,

    This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking.
    If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards.
    Happy Fourth!!!
     
  17. KarenPayne

    Emotional

    By KarenPayne,

    Yesterday I went to visit my best female friend who unfortunately lives forty minutes north of me and does not drive. During non-peak hours it's a 20 minute drive. Any ways we were planned on going to the Portland Saturday market but I for some reason went to bed at 6:30PM Friday night and she was up dealing with an inebriated husband till 3AM in the morning. Beings I was up at mid-night and ended up texting with her the end result was no Saturday market as we both needed to take naps and ended up getting to her place around 11AM.
    So we went to a great mall five minutes from her place and did typical shopping and trying on clothes. Got to Pandora store (the only one in Oregon) and wanted to find a charm for my bracelet that had butterflies which can be seen in the picture above costing $40. After picking that one out my friend asked the sales person if they had any charms with a knife on it (if you have read my blogs this is about me and teaching edge weapon tactics) but no they did not. Then she says, how about one for best friends. Now I know at this point what she is doing, looking to purchase a charm for my bracelet and keep quite as saying you don't need to do this will not stop her. 
    So the third one I say something like, yes that one works for me and by looking at it my brain says "expensive". She says I want to buy this for her. 
    Side note, when you tell the sales person you want a charm he or she (dealt with both) will place the charm on the bracelet.
    He then takes both our credit cards to ring up the charms.
    At this point my friend breaks down in tears and know why, she adores me and has said countless times I am truly her best friend. So we embrace each other for a while then release. I look at her and she at me and we embrace again all the while she has tears flowing down her face. Of course that got me teary eyed too.  I was of course not keeping time on this but was an intense few minutes and the sales person did not try to interrupt us. 
    Even though a year ago I had been on hormones for eight months I was not that emotional, I had been a fearsome male who rarely if ever showed emotions and now over the past six months finding this happening more and more
    Leaving the store she told me not to tell her husband she had purchased the charm as he would not care for her spending that kind of money on non-family members
    We then went to lunch then back to her place where her husband was cooking dinner. Sat and chatted for about an hour then left for home.
    If you read this far the thing I wanted to say if nothing else is, it is so wonderful to have good friends. I have many friends but only four that I can say that are really and truly a friend for life. Besides my friend mentioned above I have after thirty years rekindled friendship with my brother's former girlfriend whom he dated in our late teens. I stayed close with her for another five years until she moved 3,000 miles away. We reconnected the week after my gender reassignment surgery for an entire day. Two weeks ago I said I would be purchasing a new sports car in the fall and driving down her way to visit my son. She has invited me to stay for a weekend which will be so wonderful. There are few people that will do this and I am honored to be her friend.
     
  18. KarenPayne
    Many years ago prior to my real life test I would go out dressed with no fear except when leaving and returning home. If I was wearing any type of heels that made noise as most do I would avoid landing on the heel and tippy toe inside my house. Have not done that for many years.
    So today I wear a nice pair of business style pumps and while walking along a hallway found myself tippy toe for a few steps. I thought to myself, WTF then had one of those moments "yes this was from back in the day when I would tippy toe back into my house.
    Luckily nobody saw me do that because that would be awkward.
    So later I walk into the section I work in and one of the ladies there said "Karen", I turn to see what she wants. She says you are wearing FM heels! I said what? she repeated herself and she smiles. Okay, tell me what FM means. She said they are F*** ME signals in regards to my heels to men. I countered and said, there is nothing sexy about these heels. She said it doesn't matter they are still FM heels. We both had a laugh then I said, what if I change into my flats. Without skipping a beat she said, then after a smoke too (you know, many have a cigarette after sex) and we both laughed again. So after lunch I walked into her cube with flats on as I always have a pair in my car trunk (or boot) and did not say a word. She finally looks down and cracks up. Me thinking "I nailed it". 
  19. KarenPayne
    From yesterday until Thursday I am in Seattle Washington at Microsoft offices part of recognizing MVP (Microsoft Valued Professionals). This morning I "liked" one of the tweets and the woman must have looked at my Twitter profile and asked if she could interview me where the interview would be posted on one of Microsoft web sites. Of course I accepted and once the interview has been uploaded I will provide a link here but be forewarned it's geek topic   
    On the ways back to my hotel I was added to a special group on Twitter which has nothing to do with my transition and then got a message from the chef making remarks that he liked me.
    Tonight they are having us (2,000) to one hotel for a party, should be interesting so I am off to change into a nice business like skirt, medium conservative heels and cardigan. 
  20. KarenPayne
    I was coming home from the grocery store and thought "I have not been to the toy store recently, think I will stop in for a few minutes".
    So I walk in, young female sales person greets me "HI how are you doing today", I replied "Great", next comes "if there are any questions or if you want something opened let me know".
    I said, just browsing, nothing in particular.
    So I first go to the female toys, about two minutes go by and she comes over and said what do you think of this? She has what looks like a normal dildo but then said "hold on to it and shake it". Well I was not expecting what happened next. I said my favorite toy was, pointed to it. She says, I see you have a high end taste. I came back and said, sure makes traffic jams more pleasant.  (note, there are no other customers in the store).
    She walks away with the interesting toy, I move down and start to check out the strap on equipment, I look up and she is about four feet from me so I said, which one do you like? No hesitation, she pointed out the one she uses and we get into a discussion over other ones. Must have pulled out four of them and LOL we are both pulling them up over our jeans, mind you both of us are standing in the backend of the store with strap-ons having a discussion and a male customer walks in. She say "Want to play", customer "Jaw drops",. me, I turn around and we kiss. Male customer, "oh my". So she takes off the toy and calmly walks up to him and said "what can I do for you today", male customer "I am lost, after seeing what you two did I completely forgot what I came in for.
    I walk up to the door and said to her, "was nice meeting you", she, "same here, winks her eye", him while looking at her, "you don't know her?", her, now I do.
    So did I leave empty handed, all depends on one's perspective.
     
  21. KarenPayne
    Just when you believe you are done with all things related name change and gender changes.
    I am still getting mail that has my former name and the senders are from state government and have changed my name and gender at the federal and state level. 
    As a Microsoft MVP comes with it a handler who is someone that can assist you in ways that the average person does not have access too and is completely free. I told my handler in January of my transition, no problems there but kept sending special email messages to my old identity email account. Just got a new handler this month and they without asking transferred my address to my current female email account.
    So it's been seven months, one more down, still many to go if you can believe that it does take time to change all parts of one's identity. So when you are travelling down this road note that it does take time for some entities to caught up.
  22. KarenPayne

    Irritated

    By KarenPayne,

    About three months ago, I contacted an acquaintance who practiced law but had to quit because of serious health problems. She indicated that I wanted to start my name change to contact her. Four weeks ago, we met for coffee and discussed the process, she asked for $100 to start working on it. Now I know some will say this is a lot but “wait for it”. The following weekend she asked me to fill out seven pages for the process. Got it done then gave it back to her. At this time, she asks for another $300, which covers the $111 fee and her time. What she plans on doing is handling the process start to finish. She said, last Thursday she needed to met with me again. I have not heard a peep from her. Last night I pined over how much time it would take if she contacts me this week and could not sleep thinking about after submitting three documents and posting one in the court room I needed yet another two weeks to complete the process. I decided today screw it and begin the process myself as the money is not that important but still peeved she did this. Took about 30 minutes to fill out forms, pay the fee and post a document on a corkboard. My date to start the next process is 12/14/2014. Then another two weeks followed by Social security then drivers license. This is what I need to get done before I head off to California.

    In retrospect I should had done this myself but thought that giving her my business we both get something out of this.

    Personally I am the type of person who gets to appointments early, when a friend needs help I give it and know full well that others are not always the same. Any ways I needed to write this out as it truly has been bugging me and helps a little to write this out. Good news is I am back on track rolling along like a unstoppable freight train.

    End of rant.
  23. KarenPayne

    Female Voice

    By KarenPayne,

    I have thought for some time now that my female voice was decent and will take voice lessons in the spring. Well today I was surfing through some videos online for after GRS thoughts and decided to click on one that was about male to female voice exercises. The person said to get Pitch Lab and work on keeping your voice between B flat and C sharp. I looked at the app, it’s free so I downloaded it. Afterwards upon opening it up there are a ton on in-app purchases but no need, the part I needed is free. So I try it out, I pretty much nailed the acceptable range woohoo. Even though I nailed it I know there is still work to be done but happy to know I am on the right track. Back in 2008 when meeting with a doctor for hormones (did not start then until last November even though she approved me) she indicated that my voice did not need much work and should be easy to have a very good female voice with practice. I think the main obstacle is the need to change back and forth but not after my surgery.

    We all know you can look female but when our mouth opens and the female voice is not there all is lost. Don’t know about anyone else but IMHO you need to work on it. There are times I will warm up by saying meow, each time raising my voice to what I think is acceptable. I learned this from a u tube video.
  24. KarenPayne

    Mental well-being

    By KarenPayne,

    At my last therapist appointment, she learned that the printer was out of ink and would mail my letter out. She also mailed a copy down to Marci Bower, which I am grateful. I would have been okay if I never read the letter but just the same happy to read her assessment and fully agree with her assessment. Reading “This client is an attractive, bright 57-year old transsexual woman” made me smile.

    Sometime ago we discussed continual appointments after surgery. She had mentioned that some never come back after they get their letter. My thought is that anyone who goes through a life-changing event no matter how mentally stable they are needs to keep an open mind and continue their visits with their therapist. I made an appointment for 6 weeks after surgery and if all goes fine I will still make follow up appointments say three months out then assess how I am doing plus her assessment.

    I have read posts on the web from people who are post-op that they become depressed, unhappy or uneasy. My thoughts at this time, not me but you never know.

    I hope that others who follow the same path I am will take this to heart that we need support and do not take it upon themselves to say “I will get through this by myself”.
  25. KarenPayne
    Be forewarned what follows is sexually explicit and there is no need to warn me about what I did as I am an adult and know the risk.
    The intent here is for others to learn from my mistakes, nothing more nothing less. I take no pride in what follows and hope others will learn from this.

    So Friday I was feeling frisky but not enough to act out on these feelings as I was comfy at home. So I used my toy and pleasured myself early evening and throughout the night the sensations lingered, went to bed and was a pleasant sleep. Woke up Saturday morning and read something that got me a little excited so I decided to use my toy while dilating. Next thing I know it’s an hour later, did not want to stop but did. I am now thinking I need to find a man as I am about to go crazy needing something more than my toy. I have several men whom I have sexual encounters with, none were available yesterday morning, not until later in the evening. Well I needed it now and then.
    So I have been in the past to an adult club where I have hooked up with one man several times and was hoping he would be there. Did not get dressed up sexy, never do, they see me coming and the penises stand in salute.
    So I sit down in a room playing porn. The man I was seeking was not there. Figured since I just paid ten bucks to get in I would sit back and play with myself and maybe the man might come in later. 
    It took all but two minutes and I was surrounded by a group of men with their penises out. One was very polite and asked if he could touch me. I nodded and he proceeded to caress me which felt good. After a while he wanted to get inside of me and I acknowledge his intent and he put on a condom. He tried several times to enter me but failed then turned to another man stoking away and said (I think) “do you want this”, he nodded yes and I nodded yes. He put on a condom and tried to enter me but could not. Then as I see it this is funny, he gets between my legs and strokes his penis against my belly and after about 30 seconds let’s out a moan, turns and the first man asked if he had orgasm and nodded yes. All this time a man next to me was attempting to shove his penis into my mouth and I must have refused a dozen times. Along comes a younger man, built extremely well, he does everything right before entering me and has zero issues and lasted at least ten minutes.
    When leaving the place I was not in a very good mood even though I finally got what I was after it was not enjoyable in that I had to go through two pigs to get what I wanted and decided no matter how aroused I get will never, ever go back to such a place.
    Guess what, my urge is back today and I am keeping my legs closed. What I now wonder is how cisgender woman deal with this when they get aroused and a play toy is not enough. I doubt they run off to an adult arcade to get satisfaction.
     


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