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KarenPayne

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Blog Entries posted by KarenPayne

  1. KarenPayne

    I forgot

    By KarenPayne,

    One of my Facebook friends is my daughter's best friend who posted that she closed the front door and the security latch got wedged into the door preventing it from opening and asked for help. Since I knew she lived closed by I replied with "I will help if you still need assistance". She gave me her address, five minutes from my home. Went over, I knocked on the front door and she came around from the back door. When she greeted me (she had not seen me in five years) no reactions or comments on my new look as female. Looked at the front door, figured out I needed to pry the door and by thinking ahead of time brought a pry-bar with me. Took two minutes to free the door then a minute to hammer a metal strip back into place. Turned to her and said "done", she thanked me and I left.

    When I returned home she had sent me a private message

    You look great by the way! I suppose I figured out what your trip to California was about and wow! Congrats on looking awesome!!

    I guess she then scrolled through my Facebook notes and on one wrote

    You are so beautiful. Really. Just so you know.

    More validation for me. Perhaps this might nudge others down their chosen path of transitioning.
  2. KarenPayne

    Emotional

    By KarenPayne,

    Yesterday I went to visit my best female friend who unfortunately lives forty minutes north of me and does not drive. During non-peak hours it's a 20 minute drive. Any ways we were planned on going to the Portland Saturday market but I for some reason went to bed at 6:30PM Friday night and she was up dealing with an inebriated husband till 3AM in the morning. Beings I was up at mid-night and ended up texting with her the end result was no Saturday market as we both needed to take naps and ended up getting to her place around 11AM.
    So we went to a great mall five minutes from her place and did typical shopping and trying on clothes. Got to Pandora store (the only one in Oregon) and wanted to find a charm for my bracelet that had butterflies which can be seen in the picture above costing $40. After picking that one out my friend asked the sales person if they had any charms with a knife on it (if you have read my blogs this is about me and teaching edge weapon tactics) but no they did not. Then she says, how about one for best friends. Now I know at this point what she is doing, looking to purchase a charm for my bracelet and keep quite as saying you don't need to do this will not stop her. 
    So the third one I say something like, yes that one works for me and by looking at it my brain says "expensive". She says I want to buy this for her. 
    Side note, when you tell the sales person you want a charm he or she (dealt with both) will place the charm on the bracelet.
    He then takes both our credit cards to ring up the charms.
    At this point my friend breaks down in tears and know why, she adores me and has said countless times I am truly her best friend. So we embrace each other for a while then release. I look at her and she at me and we embrace again all the while she has tears flowing down her face. Of course that got me teary eyed too.  I was of course not keeping time on this but was an intense few minutes and the sales person did not try to interrupt us. 
    Even though a year ago I had been on hormones for eight months I was not that emotional, I had been a fearsome male who rarely if ever showed emotions and now over the past six months finding this happening more and more
    Leaving the store she told me not to tell her husband she had purchased the charm as he would not care for her spending that kind of money on non-family members
    We then went to lunch then back to her place where her husband was cooking dinner. Sat and chatted for about an hour then left for home.
    If you read this far the thing I wanted to say if nothing else is, it is so wonderful to have good friends. I have many friends but only four that I can say that are really and truly a friend for life. Besides my friend mentioned above I have after thirty years rekindled friendship with my brother's former girlfriend whom he dated in our late teens. I stayed close with her for another five years until she moved 3,000 miles away. We reconnected the week after my gender reassignment surgery for an entire day. Two weeks ago I said I would be purchasing a new sports car in the fall and driving down her way to visit my son. She has invited me to stay for a weekend which will be so wonderful. There are few people that will do this and I am honored to be her friend.
     
  3. KarenPayne

    Can I help

    By KarenPayne,

    Over the years I (and you most likely have too) have read countless stories of people transitioning with little or no support which is sad. With that said I would like to extend to those here if there is anything I can do shout out. If by chance you are having surgery with Marci Bowers in California with no support let me know, I will fly down for the day of surgery and the day after at the very least to provide support. I don’t want to see anyone take this path alone which is why I will do this and I pay my way entirely.

    Perhaps in areas such as the East Coast other will assist if possible and if not I will consider making that trip too, after all I have been away from the East Coast way too long as my family keeps reminding me.

    Now I am going to shut up :)
  4. KarenPayne
    Today I was thinking about the real life experience (12 months test) that a person is required by the WPATH guidelines and how I seemingly did extremely well over 12+ months and believe this is partly from having studying female mannerisms, realizing  from many observations how female and male anatomies are different yet with the right preparation from watching cisgender females a cisgender male can compensate for what surgery can't give you which is the natural movements of a cisgender female and the lack of hips and longer legs. Granted that some of us have longer legs and have a more female curve but many don't.
    Watch a cross-dresser solely dressing for sexual gratification and we will see them wearing pencil style skirts while a male-to-female that has studied cisgender females may more often wear a skirt that flares out slightly to balance out broad shoulders. Sticking with hips and broad shoulders we can compensate by wearing high waisted jeans.
    I believe that no matter how well one does compensates with clothing a true telltale sign to others is when a beautiful woman walks down the street like a man, then questions begin to circle through their heads, is that a man or a woman? 
    The aim of studying female movement is so that you can come to possess it for yourself, so that is not copying what women do, but rather making it part of your natural being, as it is for other women.
    One thing that is seen between males and females when walking is men's feet generally are outward while female's feet are more inward. Take note of this when out in public and I am sure you will see this too. There are natural reasons for this that men do not possess yet one can mimic by imagining that you are walking along a line, but try to curve your feet into that line as you go, rather than letting them move parallel to the line. This should produce a slight, but natural-looking jiggle, that should help you to achieve an acceptably feminine gait.
    Thinking of walking, how about sitting, where are your leg's, spread apart as a typical male or knees close together or touching. Are you sitting forward or backwards, where are your hands and when talking are you talking with your hands?
    You simply don't practice and do but practice, practice, practice and evaluate until it becomes natural and the key here is to constantly evaluate one's self.
     
     
  5. KarenPayne
    I have written multiple times about dilation in regards to lots of lube and yes, pain. Recently, five months after reassignment surgery I am down to a drop of lube the size of a quarter and finding intimate encounters are much better than dilation. When one has intercourse for at least 15 minutes this counts to one session of dilation. I am 90 percent into females and the remainder into couples. I became friends with a couple that had nothing to do with sex but after time did and do enjoy a threesome.
    The upside to using less lube is
    Takes less time to dilate Much less time to clean up Feels good to push a dilator inside seamlessly. For me, I have an excess of lube. So for those taking this journey I want you to know it does get better even though the first month or so you will want to quit which does you no good as things will close up and be left with no opening.
    Another thing I have noticed is there is more moisture and natural lubrication especially when aroused. I am still waiting for the ability to have a complete orgasm where at this point it's fairly intense and last a long time but feel it's not fully there yet and have heard from others it take between eight and twelve months.
     
  6. KarenPayne

    Coming of age

    By KarenPayne,

    For so many years I would dress in the morning in tactical clothing which includes a firearm inside my trousers and a revolver at the ankle and would stay that way until bed time. Slowly this became coming home at immediately disrobing into female jeans or leggings and a female top with flats. Those days are completely gone now hurray for that other than use to taking 15 minutes in the morning to 30 to 40 minutes in the morning where the majority of this time is "what will I wear today" which turns into "that looks good" to "Oh, wore that two days ago" to "wore something similar yesterday" to "I think this will do but not sure about the shoes" Yeek. Yes I do the same thing with my undergarments too. The funny thing is as the weather becomes increasingly warmer (yeah in the nineties plus) I find myself when at home undressing down to a tank top, no bra and panites and keep my capris close by for when someone comes to visit. Also, no shoes (really).
    It is fun looking back in time to how life was for many years to evolve into "I'am getting closer" to "I have arrived". 
    For many travelling this path I can say with utmost certainty that baby steps are better than taking huge leaps from one gender to another gender. It gives one time to accommodate both the mind and body to your true gender. Think of it as a per-teenage girl growing up where they learn through the years to become a woman rather than one day declaring they are a woman. Same goes for female to male, lessons are learned and you are acclimated to that role.
    Some will think "I can't wait to be away from the day to day burden of this wrong body" but I urge you to take time to become accustomed to not only your body but also how people see you and people can tell (thinking male to female) when you do things out of place which goes back to my recent entry Feminine Movement.  I find myself doing cisgender things in the past few months that I was not in the past and see men noticing me more and more, you can tell "that look" which is "hottie" or "is that a man or female" and I am getting the "hottie" look more and more (and I like even more when females give me that look).
    So take your time and be the man or woman you are comfortable with.
    “Where should I go?" -Alice. "That depends on where you want to end up." - The Cheshire Cat.” 
    ― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass
     
     
  8. KarenPayne
    ;
    Went to my best female friends family reunion and was a blast. Although I have known her for close to nine years have never met all the people who were there today, a rough guess of 30 family members and I left early, more were coming. I was seen (note I did not say treated) no different than any other cisgender female at the gathering. During the four hours I was there joined in to several conversations which was great as I much rather chit chat then simply sitting there only knowing her immediate family.
    In my last entry I touched on having a good support system. This woman has been there for me through both surgeries. Her three children treat me like family and her husband although had issues with me in the beginning has come around to accepting me. I have to say this family truly helped me leap a few hurdles during my journey.
  9. KarenPayne
    Last year was my first interview, today was my second. 
    Last year they did the interview in Microsoft Studio were nobody sees this until pushed to the web. Big difference this year, they brought all their equipment to the main Microsoft building where there are thousands of people walking by and the camera is hotter without the AC of the studio. During the prior video you heard a question being asked then I would answer. This year they ask a question which is masked out, I repeat the question coming from me then answer the question (yeah, spooky). 
    Any ways I talked only about transgender when it came to non-personal but a passion I have  for the community. I will provide a link here when the video is done.
  10. KarenPayne
    The following is scary to say the least. 
    Ten days ago I was there for a male to female having reassignment surgery. The surgery lasted too long in my opinion and that the reason was the surgeon caused a rectovaginal fistula. A friend of hers was told (but not me) that she had gas coming out the vagina on Friday and the friend got her to call the hospital who said they would get back to her but never did.  I did not hear about this until this morning, she text’ d me and said she was concerned. I went over and got her to take pictures and send them to the surgeon. Now this is 10 AM this morning, he said to come in a 5 PM. seriously, this is one bad thing after another.

    I learned that while she was in the hospital the care provided was unprofessional from assisting her keeping clean (they would not clean her breast or bottom) to providing sedatives for pain (I had sedatives pushed into me non-stop). Just the other day I learned that OSU, the hospital here in Oregon had a bad reputation for how transgender people were treated and that they were in a transition period to overcome the bad reputation.

    Any ways, just received a text from her, they are keeping her tonight. I did not inquire why but a decent guess is because of the rectovaginal fistula.

    Now with all this mentioned, she had no real choice being on social security, out of work, never being able to afford surgery. Couple this with extreme dysphoria and a surgeon who has done six reassignment surgeries prior is a recipe for what happened. It really is a catch 22 per-say, boxed in with a one way pass to live with the dysphoria or roll the dice with a surgeon with little experience.

    One last thing, when I arrived at her house she was drinking some dark drink. I said, it’s close to 100 degrees outside, you are just out of surgery and need to stay properly hydrated so I went out and purchase a 24 pack of bottled water and insisted she drink this rather than chocolate milk. One must realize that after a major surgery such as this the body is in recovery mode for many weeks to follow and must treat your body well.

    Lesson to take away, if you don't have the funds to obtain reassignment surgery you may very well be in the hands of people who may perform a bad procedure and as with this person have poor aftercare. If this is you, pay attention to your body after surgery, don't dismiss even the little things, call them out to those who are taking care of you and this might simply save your life.

     

     
  11. KarenPayne
    Since I am having random issue with writing here on my new laptop which I thought were fixed I am writing on the following site. It took just about 5 minute to write this out which is way to long

    http://paynekaren.wordpress.com

    By no means does this mean I am leaving here but simply can not fathom writing in pain after surgery like this
  12. KarenPayne

    New territories

    By KarenPayne,

    Last week I received a friend request on Facebook from a man I don't know. Usually I only allow either people I know or people that are connected to my current friends. Well not sure if this one was a mistake or not as of today.
    It started off immediately, each morning he would message me asking how I was doing and would respond in a way that nothing could be construed in any way that I was interested more than being friends.
    This morning it became apparent he wants to date me. There are several issues here, the first is me (do I need to explain lol) which I fully disclosed this morning about my gender in which I spelled it out. He comes back and says "are you a male" and I responded in more details about having zero male parts. I expected no reply and for about three hours no a peep. At this point I believe this is done but I then get a new message indicating he wants to continue which leads to issue number two. He lives in New York which is on the opposite coast. Now before going farther, this is indeed new territory as I am much more attracted to females than males.
    When I look at a cisgender female I see beauty not just in the physical shell but in their being. When I look at a man something comes out which is primal, void of any conceivable notion of love which I get with cisgender females.
    Even with that my mammalian brain in a warped sense is driven to like men but at the same time feel like a female pray mantis that eats her mate after sex (not I did not say make love). Now that is a statement in and of itself and wonder what a therapist reply to that would be?
    I am starting to think if he progresses with his actions with intent to date I will need to politely tell him I am not interested.
     
  13. KarenPayne

    Swingers club

    By KarenPayne,

    Excited, going to a swingers club tonight. Last week I was given the tour and saw that it was just as much about sex as socializing. Tonight my plan is to socialize, get to know people and unless something intense happens will leave it at that.
    One of the things that I liked right up front is they don't give out their address until they exchange a few emails then invite you in before hours, 6 to 8 where the club officially opens for members at 8PM. For females the cost is twenty dollars per month. I was up front with them about being post-op, that was a non-issue with them but will be the first one. After the tour of the club the owner asked if I had any questions. I asked, should I come right out and tell members that I was formerly male. He said it was up to me but also said if he were me simply use good judgement and side on not telling them unless there happen to be an invite for playing with someone.  
    Wearing a cute long sleeve (top drapes over the outer shoulders so no bra), just above the knee dress with Italian thigh highs with the black under the back with a garter belt, very little makeup, light eyeshadow and medium red lipstick.
    Update report
    I arrived at the club 30 minutes beforehand, was greeted by the president of the club and his wife and was introduced to several other early birds. I was asked if ready to join and said yes. Filled out a payment form, $15 for two weeks as a trial member. After two weeks the price for a month for light membership is $15 per month and full membership for $20 per month.
    How things went down, during the evening I was approached by a men in his early forties, talked with him for about an hour and saw he was interested. He went off to say hi to several other members then before his seat was cold had a female come over and chatted with me, next up three men who ended up getting into likes and dislikes sex stuff. They were both extremely interested in me and used the term "attractive woman" which I replied with (this is my way), thanks for the compliment but I see myself as average. One came back and said, you (me) are not average but very attractive. So I smiled and continued with the topic at hand.
    I was asked about me participating and said, not tonight as I want to learn the ropes. Of course the next question was "will you be back next weekend?", I said yes and will be ready to join in.
    Somehow we got talking about orgasams and I said that while sitting here talking I got off slightly by slightly pumping my hips while sitting down which I added could go for a long time but not to a full climax yet very satisfying just the same.
    I think one of my coy move was pulling up my dress in front of many men to adjust my garter belt. I slowly slid the dress up to my privates without showing them and spent about three minutes adjusting them. That got me more men coming over and saying hi.
    Oh, after about thirty minutes after arriving the president's wife chatted with me, first about a painting on the wall which the model had thigh highs which then had us talking about sexy underwear. She said at one point, I am so curious about seeing your vagina. I said, let me know when you want to see it and she said thanks. 
    At this point we got into my current status as female, she said (as was indicated last week) to side on not telling members I was once male as my looks and voice (see made a point on the voice that it was female). Only disclose if I believe not telling would offend someone. The club is not about forging relationships outside of the club but instead to have a good time in the club. With that there are always the exceptions, one man said he was looking to get married again (oh lord, that's not me) and was looking at me.
    There was a cross-dresser there with his very supportive wife. My assessment of this person was, this is all about sex, not about passing. (S)he might pass, borderline but the voice was all male and not a completely clean shave. I will say this couple was a delight to chat with. 
    BTW As told by more than one member, the club was setup to where females have the power per-say rather than men. There are some pretty heavy rules for anyone violating a female at the club. Permission is needed before physical contact and that females generally start things off e.g. there is a gang-bang event once a month where females are given wrist bands that they hand out to men who they want to be involved. Last week was gang-bang event, had six females going at it and heard it was great. I did not attend but did indicate I wanted to be in the event next month.
    Last thought, I believe my hair style was perfect, at the last minute I put my hair up in a pony tail and left strands of hair dangling down in the front which accented well with my black dress, and the black dress was the perfect choice for the night with the Italian style thigh highs, garter belt and FM (Fuck Me) black heels. 
    Second update March 16th
    Today I received an email from one of the men I met, gave me his phone number, asked if we could meet again this weekend. So now I am contemplating my next action. 
     
     
     
     
  14. KarenPayne

    Haunting thoughts

    By KarenPayne,

    This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world.

    Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more.

    Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate "what if" there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor.

    Right now I am flooded with emotions.
  16. KarenPayne
    I get in the shower, wash my hair which is done every week and sometimes two weeks. Stare at myself in the mirror and think, I am bored with my hair color and need to change it to simply blonde rather than blonde with a tad of brownette.
    So I waited until my fav salon opened, two hours later and went in, chatted with my stylist and she told me what she would do for me. Well three hours later we finished up and I am very happy with the results (need to take a picture still).
    Two hours is when I need to get out of the chair, went outside and by accident my thumb touched my still wet hair and did not noticed for about 30 minutes, eek, damage done, my gorgeous nail was now smeared with hair coloring so once finished I went to the nail salon, for them it was less than five minutes. She uses a Dremel to remove the color, puts on a new top coat then one minute for the clear coat to dry. They never charge me so that was nice.
    Any ways those dang hormones are too blame for me spending $150 to get my hair done where if I simply had a touch up done the cost would be about 40-50 dollars. Girls, I would not have it any other way, just that over the past six months (and my hair stylist thinks the same) I am doing crazy things that pregnant woman do. Now I will really be upset if I get cravings for  pickles and icecream  
    EDIT
    Well I swear, started out the day in a black skirt, black tights, black top and flats for getting my hair done. Came home to wash the car and changed into tennis shoes, shorts and the same top. Now my brain says,  off with the shorts and bring on the capri's and red flats. I am such a girl.
  17. KarenPayne
    I’ve recently joined a closed group on Facebook where the majority of male to female members will post pictures of themselves and ask if they pass physically. Just about every since member who post and ask if they are passable indeed passable.  Having been on this journey would like to offer a small piece of advice which is forget about passing physically and focus on your female voice.
    When I or any heterosexual male or female encounters a female without thinking “are they really female” expect a softer voice then a male voice. When the female speaks in the same tone as a male that will make the heterosexual male or female wonder or think “is this really a female”.
    My guess is many male to female transgender or cross dressers realize this already but want to stress that this can not only lead to people wonder about you but also may very well cause them to be embarrass and infuriate them to incite a mindset to cause you physical harm.
    There is only one method to circumvent this when out in public which is to practice speaking as a cisgender female does. For many it’s not easy, like myself I had to practice, practice, practice. The most difficult part as one gets older is to not only train your voice but also to retrain your brain.
    Example, as you close to finish speaking your brain says “now I can relax” and attempts to to back to the male voice if for no other reason that it’s easy while speaking in a female tone is hard work especially keeping a conversation going.
    If you can afford to take voice lessons even for a few sessions this will assist in building a proper foundation for what you need to do later to keep up appearances both with your physical looks and sounds that come out of your mouth.
    Several times a month I go out with several cross-dressers and transgender groups in my area and I’m the only one, say out of twenty that use a female voice. All of them speak like men and if they didn’t speak the majority would pass one hundred percent as cisgender females. Do they go out in public? Several do yet are known to locals as cross-dressers and never will pass.
    For the next part a little history.
    I joined a cross-dresser group who are located 40 miles from me back in 2000. At that time I was not even trying to transition in the public and never made it to any of their events which are several times a week. Another group opened in my immediate area and they have one member who belongs to the other group (40 miles away). The decide to meet here in my town in a gay bar, I thought, great, finally get to meet them.
    Went to the bar, walk in and there is this thirty something cisgender female with a guy sitting at the bar, she looks at me and says, hi gorgeous, you smell sexy. I said thanks, got my drink and sat down. Five minutes later she come over to my table, sits down next to me and we start chatting. Shortly there after the one cross dresser group walks in, they are all wearing prom dresses (the theme of the evening, not be thou). I wave at them, remember they don’t know me and they stare until I wave them over. I introduced myself and the night was fantastic. Later on the leader said that when I waved and she looked over she thought we were two cisgender females and was dumb founded that I was post-op as my voice passed with no hints of male.
    Fast forward to last weekend, the leader of that group was suppose to be down by 8:30 but arrived at 7:30 (I've been there since 7). I greeted her and said, thought you would not be here until 8:30? She said, I know you don’t stay late and wanted to talk to you which I thought was cool. Had a great conversation to say the lest. Another member who didn’t know I was trans or post-op was told by another member and was shocked at how well I controlled my voice.
    Pause: Although my voice is not a 100 percent it’s fully passable. Even to this say I do warm-up exercises because my brain will still fall back into old habits.
    With that I want those who have decided to read this far to know that it’s not easy (some may disagree but they are the minority), one must be committed to not only appearing as a female but make efforts to speak the part too. 
    Have you heard Autumn? https://autumnasphodel.com/222/transgender-female-voice I feel the same as her in regards to mindset. There are plenty of resources on the web so thre is no excuse not to try.
    The power of the mind is incredible
     
  18. KarenPayne

    Passport

    By KarenPayne,

    About just under two months I applied for my passport, three weeks later I was informed my birth certificate was not good, so I called, asked what needed to be done which was provide another one (which I had) and sent it to them. I never changed my original so it still says M for gender.
    Today I am now a proud owner of a US passport with F for gender.
    There was never anything mentioned about my gender change, only a birth certificate not being correct because it did not have my mother and father names on them while the second one did.
    Last thing is getting my papers back as they are originals but they did send an email indicating my pass-book is still yet to come and hope that is when my documents are returned to me.
    So for those following the same or similar path as me all I can say is gender change is a non-issue with the right documents e.g. Marci Bowers supplied me with the proper document the week after surgery.
    I now want to travel to England, Canada and the Philippines this year.
  19. KarenPayne

    Mornings

    By KarenPayne,

    For 99% of the days since surgery I have bad mornings. Most of them I wake up way too early. Many of them I feel nausea to some extent and just down right crappy. Usually take a two hour nap within two hours of waking up.

    I have noticed the past few days that I am starting to feel better.

    What really makes me feel normal is right after morning dilation and a nice hot shower.

    Anyways thought others going down this path might be alerted to you too may experience this too.
  20. KarenPayne

    Teaching today

    By KarenPayne,

    I was asked by a group of six to teach a empty hand defensive class today. My only limitation was to not go to the ground as I am still healing. Many of my techniques end up with me locking up an attacker in a manner that I can call the police and keep them at bay with just my legs and be on top of them.

    Generally speaking for these types of classes I have one concept to teach and also allow the students to agree say on one common attack and work that into the concepts I teach. Lastly, I demonstrate what I call "Counter-for-counter" which in short means if they did "this" I do "that" and if they then do "something else" I counter and we can keep going as long as it takes but keeping in mind this is under 10-15 seconds which many think is cool but is not easy to learn which is why I push practice and repeating my class.

    Oh, can't forget to show how to get out of being tied up with duct tape.

    One of the students today is a repeat, a black belt and is always trying to counter my counters which is cool but so far have failed to come out on top. I really like this type of student because they challenge me to be better and every class I learn something new "Always a student, sometimes a teacher" is something I fully grasp and embrace.

    Now what should I wear :rolleyes:
  21. KarenPayne
    Over the past year I have been sharing my journey which hopefully was of some use but now I am need of concentrating on another aspect of my life with requires a good deal of attention so during the next few weeks will be limiting my time here and will stop visiting here shortly. Hopefully I can make it back here in the future. For those interested I will be keeping up from time to time on my WordPress blog. Lastly, it has been wonderful getting to know people here.

    Best wishes for those on their journeys!!!
  22. KarenPayne
    Be forewarned what follows is sexually explicit and there is no need to warn me about what I did as I am an adult and know the risk.
    The intent here is for others to learn from my mistakes, nothing more nothing less. I take no pride in what follows and hope others will learn from this.

    So Friday I was feeling frisky but not enough to act out on these feelings as I was comfy at home. So I used my toy and pleasured myself early evening and throughout the night the sensations lingered, went to bed and was a pleasant sleep. Woke up Saturday morning and read something that got me a little excited so I decided to use my toy while dilating. Next thing I know it’s an hour later, did not want to stop but did. I am now thinking I need to find a man as I am about to go crazy needing something more than my toy. I have several men whom I have sexual encounters with, none were available yesterday morning, not until later in the evening. Well I needed it now and then.
    So I have been in the past to an adult club where I have hooked up with one man several times and was hoping he would be there. Did not get dressed up sexy, never do, they see me coming and the penises stand in salute.
    So I sit down in a room playing porn. The man I was seeking was not there. Figured since I just paid ten bucks to get in I would sit back and play with myself and maybe the man might come in later. 
    It took all but two minutes and I was surrounded by a group of men with their penises out. One was very polite and asked if he could touch me. I nodded and he proceeded to caress me which felt good. After a while he wanted to get inside of me and I acknowledge his intent and he put on a condom. He tried several times to enter me but failed then turned to another man stoking away and said (I think) “do you want this”, he nodded yes and I nodded yes. He put on a condom and tried to enter me but could not. Then as I see it this is funny, he gets between my legs and strokes his penis against my belly and after about 30 seconds let’s out a moan, turns and the first man asked if he had orgasm and nodded yes. All this time a man next to me was attempting to shove his penis into my mouth and I must have refused a dozen times. Along comes a younger man, built extremely well, he does everything right before entering me and has zero issues and lasted at least ten minutes.
    When leaving the place I was not in a very good mood even though I finally got what I was after it was not enjoyable in that I had to go through two pigs to get what I wanted and decided no matter how aroused I get will never, ever go back to such a place.
    Guess what, my urge is back today and I am keeping my legs closed. What I now wonder is how cisgender woman deal with this when they get aroused and a play toy is not enough. I doubt they run off to an adult arcade to get satisfaction.
     


  23. KarenPayne
    It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery.
    Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually no coverage for insurance and is out of state. Why thirty thousand dollars, because this is the high end while twenty thousand is the low end yet that is only bottom surgery so we can get to the higher end if say a skin graph is needed for better depth of your new vagina if the penis is not good enough to supply the depth. Many will opt for have their Adam's apple shaved which could tack on say two thousand, get the idea.
    Add on dollars for staying in a hotel, food, transportation and all the little things that one will need for day to day live then on top of this various medications prescribed to you several days before surgery by your surgeon. The average stay for out of state surgery, two weeks.
    The hidden cost will trickle in over the months after surgery for various services the hospital provided ranging from EKG test to what will appear as insignificant services such as one I got in the mail last night for $133.00 which is one of a handful over the past few months. Thinking of these (at least for me), months prior to surgery you should be receiving various documents from the surgeon's office that will either be up front or buried within statements that indicate there may be cost that are unforeseen such as blood work and other test.
    With that in mind rather than saving for the surgery and cost to stay there for two weeks make sure to save money for not only time away from work which is roughly five weeks but also the charges that will surely appear over the months after surgery. Better to over save then be surprised down the road where possibly every single dollar counts for surviving while recovering those five weeks and beyond. I am living proof as well as many who came before me that it's better to prepare for the unknown charges now rather than later.    
    On the other hand perhaps you have great insurance that covers most or all of the cost for surgery, there will still be things that i mentioned above that will not be covered like five weeks off from work, paying rent etc. so please be prepared beforehand.
     
  24. KarenPayne
    I was concerned about my name change getting done on time as it has been 24 days since I started part two of the process and was suppose to be done in seven to ten days. Looked in the mail, nothing so I decided to head on down to the courthouse and see what was going on expecting to get a reply I was not looking for. Well I was surprised to learn it was slated to go out in the mail today. The two people work the desk pretty much got it done today and walked out as Karen Payne. Tomorrow my plan is to visit DMV to get a new drivers license so that I can now book my airfare for my trip in two weeks for GRS.

    Also had a meeting with my immediate team at work about my plans for GRS, all went extremely well. Tomorrow I come out to the section I work in then take the afternoon off for DMV.
  25. KarenPayne
    These are some of the cost to consider when ready to transition. I am sure there is enough to do an educated guess what it will cost you.
    Therapist, each month for one hour was $150 plus time off work and gas to travel 35 miles each way. Now that I have transitioned I have therapist appointments every three months which I think is a wise idea at least as in my case for one year post op. My first therapist worked on a sliding scale so I paid under $100 per session. A in between therapist I did not like charges $200 so it will vary. Doctor appointments and cost of lab work. It's hard to say as 99% of these fees where covered by my health plan. I do remember some were two-hundred plus every six months. Usually I paid a ten dollar co-pay to the doctor and around five to seven dollars for the lab work. Now if your insurance does not cover these fees then consider every six months you will dish out several hundred dollars for this. HRT medication, here it cost me four dollars for this and have not looked at what it would cost w/o health insurance. Electrolysis, prices vary from city to city, for example where I live it's $60 per hour while in Portland Oregon it's between $80 and $120. I recently replied to a post that I think provides good information on electrolysis. Electrolysis is one of the most tedious processes you will go through for transitioning and the most painful to many. Name change, in Oregon it's $110.00, Legal Zoom does it for $139, noticed California is about $600 so it can vary from state to state, Be prepared to spend a fair amount of time working with your employer who most likely will want you social security card done first. Then there is card cards (hope you don't have a lot), Macy's was horrible in that there process is not done well. How about Paypal, they are extremely easy to deal with. Clothing, if you are like me then out with all the old make clothing which means "shopping" which of course means $$$'s.   It will be tempting to go overseas for any surgery such as GRS, tracheal shave, breast augmentation but I would strongly discourage this since things can go wrong and you are left out fending for yourself. So expect to pay around $30,000 for GRS along with around $2.000 for accommodations, food tack on several hundred plus transportation which will vary dependent on rentals or cabs. I was lucky to have the hotel drive me anyplace and would even grocery shop for me. Marci Bowers includes the cost for your hotel room while in the hospital for surgery. This was something I was concerned about until they told me they do this. Heck the hotel room cost $252 per night. Airfare must be considered in the cost and getting to and from the airport. Marci Bowers supplies a limo for going to and from the airport. Even the little things add up such as paper towels and lubricant for dilation. Have you seen the price for KY Jelly?     
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