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KarenPayne

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  1. KarenPayne

    Facebook

    By KarenPayne,

    I was contemplating on what I should do for Facebook, create a new account or change the current male one so I created a new one but then thought that this is going to be tough getting friends over to the new account and stopped after creating the new female account last week.

    While surfing through my male account yesterday I decided to delete the new female account and change the male account to female via gender option then changed from my male name to my female name. Walked away and upon coming back a while later had several people had messaged me, some saw it coming while others did not but so far all are supportive of the change which includes former girlfriends.

    One thing I have been monitoring is friend count, see if any unfriend me but so far none have which I am thankful for. If any do unfriend me that is their choice which I respect but also realize they were never my friend in the first place.

    Anyways one of my things is not to simply accept people as friends for the heck of it like some do, instead I only allow those whom I think will be friends, are fellow instructors and/or have common interest.

    There is one woman I met on My Space, always wanted to date her, in my eyes she is simply hot which does not mean the best looking woman out there, instead I am simply attracted to her and let her know that. We never met but over time became friends in a different way and then when moving to Facebook she friended me. I was pleasantly surprised to find her as one of the first friends to like my note that I was now female, gave me a warm feeling.

    Another woman whom I feel that we have met in other lives (and she actually was the one who brought this up) and dated also made it known we will always be friends. Funny thing about her while in bed together after making love she says (don't remember the exact words as this was back in 2006) "In a former existence I was the male and you were the female, married and very happy" and thought that was interesting that she firmly believed I was female before. About six months ago I told her I wanted to chat with her over the phone. She gave me her phone number (saying in case you don't have it anymore, which I did) and said give me a call tomorrow. I called her, we chatted for awhile then told her what was going on. There was a slight pause then she came back and said, I will kill you if you look better than me and then said, well we should go out shopping sometime. Talked for about an hour and felt really good that we could do this.

    I did get a few messages from various friends that had many questions which I am still need to reply too as there were many but all positive.

    Two of the people who congratulated me are national figures in the world of teaching self-defense and actually was surprised that one did message me while the other one I had no doubt.

    Looking back several months I would had never guessed this announcement would had been so positive and happy it has gone well.
  3. KarenPayne
    I get half way to the grocery store and realized nothing is needed but ended up going anyways to pickup vegetables for dinner tomorrow night. On the ways there is an adult book store which has many toys and decided what the heck and went in.

    So I make a bee-line for the female toys, and there are of course more for females then there are for males and took my time gazing. The salesman came over a few times, first time he said if you want me to open any package let me know and thanked him while the second time was to show me discounted toys.

    I truly had no plans to purchase anything but something got into me even though I like females, not males purchased a life like (even has veins) toy but first had the salesman open it should I could put my hand around it for seeing if it was not too wide. Up to the counter and he said "I want to check the batteries", I asked what type of batteries does it take? He said AAA and not to expect them to last long as they are only there to test the toy out. Then he said, I will give you new batteries at no charge, thanked him again.

    Came home and for lack of better words examined my newly purchased toy and think I will try it out after my last dilation session tonight. It should be interesting as the dilators lack any real characteristics of the real thing while the toy by all means does.

    Update: I did try the toy out and it's safe to say I like it.
  4. KarenPayne
    I went back to work on Monday and had a pretty good idea how it would be as in acceptance with other co-workers. After four days no surprises, everyone I worked with or came in contact with where fine with me.

    One women whom I use to work with many years ago, still works there but in another section came over this morning and chatted with me. She was happy for me and said I looked great.

    Another woman who is in my area but I do not have contact with came over this afternoon and started off with that she was fine with me using the ladies restroom as were everyone she had talked too. She was talking to one female employee who asked her “Who is the new employee” talking about me. Then she said that Kevin Gallagher (me) and Karen Payne (me) could easily be related. That was just too funny. Then she goes on to say that she (me) looks great in skinny jeans, I laughed then before I could say anything the woman talking to me says “I agree” and that you have a great butt and look even better in leggings (which I wore today).

    There were other conversations that we “glad to see you back Karen”, small chit-chat and that was it.

    There were a handful who walked right by me and thought they did not approve of what I did but four out of five later came over to my desk and said they did not recognize me while the other I only saw once so unsure of them.

    So the week has ended on a good note as tomorrow I work at home. I am feeling great now.
  5. KarenPayne
    I went to a surgeon this morning. I was directed to a examination room, five minutes later the surgeon (male) and his assistant (female) walked in, did an introduction then proceeded to review the forms I filled out. While going through the forms I said "I just had gender reassignment surgery two months ago" and both of their jaws dropped. I could tell it was genuine from their facial expressions. Both of them were shocked indicating they thought I was a cisgender female (they did not use cisgender term) and said they would had never guess this was the case. I responded with "thank you".

    After getting past this he asked me what exactly I was looking for. I indicated my desire was to have a breast size appropriate for my structure. He then had me sit a specific way and did a whole lot of measurements. Once finished with the measurements explained three different styles and shapes and made a recommendation on a size and shape. Then the assistant was curious how close was the recommendation to my breast forms, the size was the same but the shape was different. We then went into a discussion on how the implant shape would work on me.

    He did indicate I had a fair amount of growth from hormones.

    Size-wise looks like the low side of a C cup for me.

    The entire visit with them was about 30 minutes followed by getting an estimate which is pretty much what I expected, $7925.00 total. Everyone I have seen is in the same ballpark.

    I asked about doing this in May and was given May 21st as an open date. Will check with work to see if this works which I am sure it will then confirm the surgery date on Monday.

    So in two months I will have boobs :-)

    UPDATE: See the following thread for a chance on free breast forms

  6. KarenPayne

    Girls night out

    By KarenPayne,

    One of the woman I work with stopped me and asked if I would like to go out with the other woman in my section. There are six of them that every week they go out to dinner and have drinks.

    She said that they all discussed should they ask me, all of them have known me for years in my former male life so they kind of know what I am like. Any ways they all agreed that I should be asked.

    From the short chat with had it really sounds like it could very well be a good time and get in with these ladies. What is interesting is most of them are in their late to mid thirties which is much younger then me but that is not going to stop me from going out with them.

    I am very grateful that they did think about me and accepted me.

    On a side note I have noticed the difference in what woman talk to me about before and after transitioning in general, things I could only guess or even for that fact never guess. Like when I had my nails done in the past few months, the ladies there talk to me about those things that would never surface before I was Karen. So that is simply another aspect of a continuing journey and things to look forward too.


  7. KarenPayne
    One of my goals as mentioned in prior post and blog entries is to share my journey which hopefully contains decent information for others travelling down the same path. Thought it would be great to attend local group sessions to share my journey too but have not as most groups in the area are 30 to 50 miles away and are on week nights so that does not cut it for my schedule.

    Today I get an email from my therapist writing to ask if I would sit down with one of her clients who lives in my area living full time as a female. Seems she is at a loss for people to talk to and thought I would be perfect for talking to her as she is in a state which would be helpful for someone like me to talk with, listen and give advice too.


  8. KarenPayne
    I was out walking and thinking about passing and a post of dressing properly when out in the world.

    Thinking back to what was preached by long time crossdressers about “it gets better when you get out more” in respect to confidence in that one will pass. Thinking about this I have seen plenty of women that I could imagine with small changes in regards to physical characteristics would pass as male so why do those (and I was there too at one time) who see themselves as passing or close to passing have this immense fear of not passing?

    I use to think it was about how long one has been on this planet but every day I see gender lines crossed more and more so it cannot be about length of time we are here but that for the most part our global community is naturally born male and females are coming to terms with trans people. With that thought I would think that right now is a great time for those considering taking their first steps out the door to do so.

    Someone told me recently that she sees a lot of transgender people were she works in an art museum and that most are well versed in presenting themselves as female or male and that even if they don’t have the perfect female voice (like me) she does not find herself questioning their gender. She admitted to me that prior to me announcing my journey she was of a different mindset and I changed that. So if I can do this do can other transgender people but it does take confidence and that is part of “it gets better when you get out more” when coupled with practicing in front of a mirror and along with keeping up with mannerism of the gender you want to portray while out in public.

    Most people are too busy in their day to day life at the grocery store or department store in general to get caught up with you. When done right one simply blends into the background but when gone wrong like dressing inappropriately then we are in the foreground and open to scrutiny to those around us. Then again, you believe you have done everything right but there are eyes on you, is this a bad thing? Not always because they may be looking at you because they like what you are wearing on the shade of nail polish you have on. I have lost count of women coming up to me and saying “I love your outfit, where did you get it?” This is good but with that said be prepared to give them a reply or if your female voice is not up to it give them a simple smile.

    So perhaps you might consider taking a second look at getting out and about once you have done more than simply dressed up in a style that makes you feel great but instead dress as other females do and have done a fair amount of practice with mannerism, have thought about how you will reply to questions like “where did you get that outfit” or “how is your day going” where many will say okay but not make eye contact and I have learned that eye contact is extremely important as in a setting such as a grocery store the clerk may be bored and start a decent conversation with you, if no eye contact they may think you have a busy mind or that something is not right, food for thought.
  9. KarenPayne
    There is a person in my company who always talked to me prior to GRS then stopped afterwards. Finally she stopped me outside and said I have a question, "where do you get those cure outfits" So after replying we had a long discussion about my surgery and she said "you are very courageous" in how you came back to work and that you seem like you had always been female which I simply smiled.

    Having success with most co-workers did kind of bother me that she had not talked to me but now we are. So that leave just one co-worker who has not spoken to me since surgery.
  10. KarenPayne

    My new norm

    By KarenPayne,

    It has been three months since surgery and my life is at a place I believe is my new/current norm. I have accepted that “it’s a man’s world” and that I have been accepted into the sisterhood.

    Things I can laugh or smile about in regards to the last three months. Only went to tuck my penis once (eek, where did it go, oh I remember now ~grin~), have embraced men opening the door for me. Other females treating me as if I have always been a female. My daughter called me this afternoon, I was very busy at work and said I would call back. When I called back she said my voice sounded different but not much. I then realized I was doing a B flat rather than a C# as I had a momentary lapse in voice control which I see needs attention. I had to ask, “did I sound female when you called?”, she said yes but it was a tad different then in the past. That made me smile as I was in at least partial control. I have said it many times, one must be vigilant with their female voice. So this is the second time, first time was reverse, my mother called and I went into my female voice and she had no clue who she was talking too.

    Something to cheer about, dilation is second nature in that the dilator goes in with one-third the lube it took one month ago and can penetrate fully in ten seconds where it use to be one minute to fully insert and another four minutes to be comfortable with the dilation tool inside of me. Dilation sessions are there times a day still for 15 minutes but there are times I go for thirty minutes. In two weeks I am down to twice a day.

    Since going full time I have not worn perfume but now enjoy it every day which is not from, “I am ready and fearless” but instead it stems from the changes to my mind and body from the longevity of HRT.

    What I find interesting and at the same time not interesting is my calm about breast implants in a couple of weeks. What I mean is, GRS to me was like going to the grocery store, no big deal and feel the same way about breast implants but who is being the fool here, I do think about this summer and finally able to wear a plunging neckline top and of course a bathing suit.

    One last thought, the memory of my surgery is quickly leaving my brain with no real memories unless I happen to look at one of the pictures taken in the hospital, was that me, oh my.



  11. KarenPayne
    About two years ago my best friend while out shopping with me purchased several pairs of Calvin Klein thongs then presented them to me when we returned to her home. I was both happy and sad, happy because I knew they would be worn at least once to celebrate while sad because it would be two years until they could be worn.
    Two years is a long time and the thongs ended up in storage which I just found this week and thought it would be great to try them on which I did and love them. Okay then I thought that I will need pantie liners and don’t remember seeing them in my local grocery store but went back and sure enough they do have them. So for the past several days I have been in thong heaven. Went out today to Victoria’s Secrets and hunted for thongs but I don’t believe it, I did not like any of them accept of course the ones that were too large (I wear size small). Off to Macy’s and they not only had what I wanted and better quality but were three dollars cheaper woohoo.
    So what is the big deal about thongs, by themselves absolutely nothing by themselves but just another point in fact that I am female (hear me roar lol). 
    I think that many who are on the path of transitioning to that gender, in this case, female sometimes look at the big picture and forget about the small things which in this case is clothing but is also about their environment and how (at least for me) overtime one can look back and see a trail of breadcrumbs that make up the total package of the new you.
    These little things that make up the package range from people opening doors to men flirting with you. A good example, I went to the mall and while waiting for my friend I sat down and was on my phone checking out Facebook and the man next to me turned and said, nice nails which was his opening to check me out. Yes I am into females which is not the point here. The point is that after two years of being out and three months post-op (and hormones) I truly act and react as a female. These things only come from being out in the real world, interacting with real people rather than sitting a home dressed. Now I am not saying someone who is not planning on transitioning should get out into the real world but those who are indeed moving towards GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). This is why part of the requirement is to live in the gender you are moving towards. Heck I never realized thinking back how challenging it can be to live every second of my life as female and would think most can’t fathom what it is like until you actually do it.
    So the thongs may seem like a small and insignificant thing but it depends on how you look at the big picture and then dissect what makes up the larger picture kind of like a jigsaw puzzle.  
    This is what I am into for what it's worth in thongs in black, red and while. My friend gave me one in yellow but I am not into yellow for undies. 

     
  12. KarenPayne
    These are some of the cost to consider when ready to transition. I am sure there is enough to do an educated guess what it will cost you.
    Therapist, each month for one hour was $150 plus time off work and gas to travel 35 miles each way. Now that I have transitioned I have therapist appointments every three months which I think is a wise idea at least as in my case for one year post op. My first therapist worked on a sliding scale so I paid under $100 per session. A in between therapist I did not like charges $200 so it will vary. Doctor appointments and cost of lab work. It's hard to say as 99% of these fees where covered by my health plan. I do remember some were two-hundred plus every six months. Usually I paid a ten dollar co-pay to the doctor and around five to seven dollars for the lab work. Now if your insurance does not cover these fees then consider every six months you will dish out several hundred dollars for this. HRT medication, here it cost me four dollars for this and have not looked at what it would cost w/o health insurance. Electrolysis, prices vary from city to city, for example where I live it's $60 per hour while in Portland Oregon it's between $80 and $120. I recently replied to a post that I think provides good information on electrolysis. Electrolysis is one of the most tedious processes you will go through for transitioning and the most painful to many. Name change, in Oregon it's $110.00, Legal Zoom does it for $139, noticed California is about $600 so it can vary from state to state, Be prepared to spend a fair amount of time working with your employer who most likely will want you social security card done first. Then there is card cards (hope you don't have a lot), Macy's was horrible in that there process is not done well. How about Paypal, they are extremely easy to deal with. Clothing, if you are like me then out with all the old make clothing which means "shopping" which of course means $$$'s.   It will be tempting to go overseas for any surgery such as GRS, tracheal shave, breast augmentation but I would strongly discourage this since things can go wrong and you are left out fending for yourself. So expect to pay around $30,000 for GRS along with around $2.000 for accommodations, food tack on several hundred plus transportation which will vary dependent on rentals or cabs. I was lucky to have the hotel drive me anyplace and would even grocery shop for me. Marci Bowers includes the cost for your hotel room while in the hospital for surgery. This was something I was concerned about until they told me they do this. Heck the hotel room cost $252 per night. Airfare must be considered in the cost and getting to and from the airport. Marci Bowers supplies a limo for going to and from the airport. Even the little things add up such as paper towels and lubricant for dilation. Have you seen the price for KY Jelly?     
  13. KarenPayne
    ;
    Went to my best female friends family reunion and was a blast. Although I have known her for close to nine years have never met all the people who were there today, a rough guess of 30 family members and I left early, more were coming. I was seen (note I did not say treated) no different than any other cisgender female at the gathering. During the four hours I was there joined in to several conversations which was great as I much rather chit chat then simply sitting there only knowing her immediate family.
    In my last entry I touched on having a good support system. This woman has been there for me through both surgeries. Her three children treat me like family and her husband although had issues with me in the beginning has come around to accepting me. I have to say this family truly helped me leap a few hurdles during my journey.
  14. KarenPayne
    Today I was thinking about the real life experience (12 months test) that a person is required by the WPATH guidelines and how I seemingly did extremely well over 12+ months and believe this is partly from having studying female mannerisms, realizing  from many observations how female and male anatomies are different yet with the right preparation from watching cisgender females a cisgender male can compensate for what surgery can't give you which is the natural movements of a cisgender female and the lack of hips and longer legs. Granted that some of us have longer legs and have a more female curve but many don't.
    Watch a cross-dresser solely dressing for sexual gratification and we will see them wearing pencil style skirts while a male-to-female that has studied cisgender females may more often wear a skirt that flares out slightly to balance out broad shoulders. Sticking with hips and broad shoulders we can compensate by wearing high waisted jeans.
    I believe that no matter how well one does compensates with clothing a true telltale sign to others is when a beautiful woman walks down the street like a man, then questions begin to circle through their heads, is that a man or a woman? 
    The aim of studying female movement is so that you can come to possess it for yourself, so that is not copying what women do, but rather making it part of your natural being, as it is for other women.
    One thing that is seen between males and females when walking is men's feet generally are outward while female's feet are more inward. Take note of this when out in public and I am sure you will see this too. There are natural reasons for this that men do not possess yet one can mimic by imagining that you are walking along a line, but try to curve your feet into that line as you go, rather than letting them move parallel to the line. This should produce a slight, but natural-looking jiggle, that should help you to achieve an acceptably feminine gait.
    Thinking of walking, how about sitting, where are your leg's, spread apart as a typical male or knees close together or touching. Are you sitting forward or backwards, where are your hands and when talking are you talking with your hands?
    You simply don't practice and do but practice, practice, practice and evaluate until it becomes natural and the key here is to constantly evaluate one's self.
     
     
  15. KarenPayne

    Exuberant

    By KarenPayne,

    Forward, this may very well be boring too some so be forewarned,
    I am having a so-so morning, it's hot, in the nineties and have enough of watching television so what's there to do?  I should wash and style my hair but it's too hot but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for blood work to see if my hormone levels are correct.
    So I decide to see if my stylist shop has time to wash, condition and straighten my hair and figure there will be a wait but as luck has it they have time. I knew going in that my regular stylist does not work on weekends so it would be someone else. 
    Never had the lady assigned to me done my hair. Told her what I wanted and off to getting my hair washed. After she washed my hair she recommended a deep conditioner which I said okay. Then off to drying and styling my hair.
    Well everyone knows that in a hair salon woman chat right. So I am with a new stylist I am finding it difficult to discuss things i.e. when we got on the topic of my regular stylist leaving I said it's sad she came here from down South for a man and things fell through. She starts talking about online dating with men, me, what do I say without telling her I use to be male and then think, she probably figured it out already but avoid talking about me a a male dating woman.
    Next we start talking about if I wanted my bangs cut and for whatever reason I have a memory surface about my ex-wife screwing up her bangs and want to tell the stylist and thought "oh hell" I will tell her. She I said I have a story to tell but need to reveal something first. I was male. She kepted on drying my hair for about thirty or more seconds and looks at me and says "no", "really". But you are so girly how can that be? I said that for a long time it was hard for me to feel I was female but after hearing replies such as your's I am not doubting it anymore.
    Now most of the time I can't see what she is doing to my hair and finally do. I said, how did you do that? She said "your hair lead me in this direction". It's subtle but I thought "hey it looks like Stevie Nicks" as seen in this photograph. I always like this style and never could get it. So I asked her how did you do that again and she showed me. So hopefully I can do this next time I wash my hair. 
    She then cut my bangs followed by showing my the back of my head to see my hair and says "you can't see it all as it's longer than can be seen in the mirror". I just adore the work she did and very satisfied.
    So I expected this to cost around 25-30 dollars but was charged 19 dollars, oh my God I could not believe it especially since she spent over an hour with me.
    Came home, looked in the mirror and all I could do was smile ear to ear. Have to say this has turned out to be a fabulous day.  
    Closing out, two things I thoroughly believe are so much of a boost to one's self-esteem is spending time at a nail salon and the second is spending time at a hair salon. 
      
     
     
  16. KarenPayne

    Getting noticed

    By KarenPayne,

    I find it interesting that my new car seems to draw a good deal of attention to me. Friday I decided to wash the car out in front of my house on the street simply because car washing places are not good for convertibles. Any ways a middle age man walks down the street and says hello, I say hello back, he keeps walking. Then about five minutes later he walks back up the street and says "you are breaking my heart, you look fine today girl". I immediately can tell no matter what I say he is going to use that as an open door to talk to me so I simply act like I don't hear him so there is no opening for him. I take a quick glance up and he smiles, I don't and continue washing the car. Then about 15 or so minutes later I am heading inside and there he is again. At this point any advances he attempts I would had gone into my mode of "you asked for this" meaning I would had taught him a lesson he would not soon forget if you caught my drift.
    Over the past few months I am surely learning how woman feel if similar situations and have sympathy for them and it appears it's on me too.
    Of course there are decent men too, at my friends house yesterday I was standing by my car and a twenty something man walks by, smiles and complimented me how I looked and that I had a sweet ride. I smiled, said thank you and he kept on going. Turns out I see him get into his car, a very nice BMW sports car.
    I can't stress this too much that once you are out, passing with no issues and look good that you are going to be hit on. Depending on your mindset most of us who transitioned will have no clue on how to handle these situations, not much different than a teenage girl getting hit on for the first time.
    Consider what you will say, how you will react beforehand so that you are not actin awkward and bring undue attention as this can be problematic if they get it in their head something is not right or you leave an opening for them to continue their attempt to seduce you and this is not what you wanted. Even if you want this you still need to be prepared so all goes well. There have been a few times when I first was out after surgery that I was a tad under prepared and learned from this. Now I even flirt for the right female or male.
    Food for thought  
  17. KarenPayne

    Saturday drive

    By KarenPayne,

    Yesterday met up with the local Miata club, normally there are about five or six cars but yesterday there were 15 cars. With that there were many new people I got to meet and not one of them as with the members I met already had anything to say about me other than what someone would say to a cisgender female.
    We start off with a sit down in a restaurant for about 10 to 30 minutes chit chatting then hit the road normally for one to four hour drive through the countryside. Each time  so far it's a different route. 
    Yesterday I asked, how long of a ride is it today? I was informed it would be pretty much the entire day.
    We hit the main highway for about two hours then off into the backcountry for about an hour at which time we took a rest stop. I was the car directly behind the lead car, had not met him till yesterday. He said that my driving was great but at one point he lost sight of me. I told him that the others were lagging behind so I wanted to keep sight of them. He said, they know the way and they would caught up to us here.
    He then said I was a tad back during the last leg of the run and I said I thought it was the right distance between cars. He said, heck you can get closer. So then everyone was ready he said "the boss is getting back in the car and heading off" I jumped in my car and with the thought in mind that I could stay close to him I did.
    For the next 40 to 50 minutes we ran through some pretty exciting twist and turns in the road, got to the next spot to meet up with the rest of the group, got out of our cars and I said I think they must be about 15 minutes behind us when he asked me how far do you think they are behind us?
    He then told me about how he learned to drive like he does and then said I was a natural. He said "no matter what I did I you were right on my tail where many others would never keep up with me.
    It was 13 minutes by the time the others caught up and they said, it's time for lunch so off we drove another 20 minutes and hit a bar. While eating two of the seasoned members told me I am ready to lead the group on a run whenever I am ready (yes I was smiling big time).
    As I see it my driving skills throughout my life were crippled only by the cars I had and their ability to do regular style driving. Ever since my second run with the group I have been right in the world I should had been decades ago.
    Any ways on the way home I was asked if I wanted to be the lead driver and did so which was great. I will admit what I need to be lead driver at the start is learning the routes which is going to take a few more runs.
    When I returned home my car was absolutely dirty so I washed it, had a quick dinner and went to bed early happy how the day turned out.
    The milestones are piling up nicely for less than a year after surgery.
     
  18. KarenPayne
    Met up with the local Miata club this morning. They meet for coffee and then go out for a drive that last anywhere from an hour to three hours. Today seems my car was the center of attention as it’s the latest model. The drive after coffee was great, the lead driver picked out a fantastic route that had many enjoyable curves. Afterwards he told me several times that I did great with the turns, better than he thought I would do. Have to say out of the six members I met they are very nice people with excellent driving skills. When I say excellent driving skills that means they handle the curves well and today I have to say “it’s all about the curves”.  I was right behind the lead driver and noticed that he rarely hit the brakes on what some would call challenging curves in the road at a decent speed. I later found out that he does not use the automatic function of the car but instead only the paddles which I have not even begun to explore but will be doing so shortly. Anyways it was a great morning and looking forward to next Saturdays drive.

      

  19. KarenPayne
    So it's time for bed and I can't sleep so I start watching an episode of a show that was recorded. After a bit I feel tired enough to attempt to sleep. After laying in bed for about 30 minutes I realize this is not happening. Back to watching television. About another 30 minutes later I feel it's time to sleep and try again. Guessing 15 or so minutes later I am still having difficulties.
    I then remember that sleeping on my stomach use to work and matter of fact slept on my stomach all my life until five years ago because of a surgery prevented it and became a side sleeper. Why not give it a try I thought. First problem, my breast get in the way and it's not helping me to sleep so I figure out how to position myself via how my arms are positioned and I think it's working. Then out of nowhere my vagina gets excited I think "not now" so I re-position myself on my side, dang feelings persist. If there is one thing I have learned about down there is once the feeling starts it's not going away anytime in the near future. About the only thing I can do is work it out and think well when still male after orgasm I could sleep. It was a risk and mind you I like orgasm but really, right now, no no no. Well it seems that I did what was needed and did finally fall asleep. I have to laugh because I like those feelings but not that intense, and they were intense unlike before when going to sleep they are barely there and when really tired non-existing.
    For the life of me can't figure why they started as there was nothing in my head that would arouse me and laying on my stomach should not have started them. Would welcome any thoughts on this.
  20. KarenPayne
    One of my friends on Facebook shared a link where transgender people are sharing their stories. So I decided too and found it difficult to confined the story to 400 words but finally did. Once approved I will post a link back here. Anyways I am committed to this and spreading the word especially to those over 50, and older that it's possible to do this.
    http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today
     
  21. KarenPayne

    Slimming down

    By KarenPayne,

    Happy to report that I am having excellent results losing weight. Over the past two months have lost all the weight I put on since gender reassignment surgery which was 20 pounds. I do believe my eating habits were good most of the time but think that hormones played a factor here coupled with a pre-existing thyroid issue.
    To get where I am, greatly increased water consumption, run one hour four nights a week, no fast food were contributing factors.  
    My weight history, was 130LB in 2000, thyroid issues kicked in and went to 160LB because the doctor could not control it but they finally did. For almost 10 years I kept gaining weight but to look at me as a male there was no pot belly or tell-tale signs of my weight. Hormones did not help in any of this. Back in September I weighed 198LB.
    Currently I am at 178LB and my goal is 140LB before the end of this year but will accept 150LB nothing higher.
    Over the past few weeks I have been telling people about me losing weight and get the stock reply, you are thin why do you want to lose weight. My reply is for health and to feel better slipping into skimpy clothes.
    So for the past several years I worked at gender surgery and I was tenacious until surgery was done. I am applying the same for losing weight.
    Now it's out there which is another motivator and hope that what I have done and currently doing might inspire others if they don't see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. 
     
     
  22. KarenPayne
    My version of tucking requires two items, patience’s, some pain (maybe) and persistence in the beginning.

    Item one is called a gaff from “The Breast form store” in the smallest size possible. My waist, 32 inch which falls in to the medium size so I went to a small size gaff. Item two, Spanx compression boy shorts (same sizing idea as the gaff) where there are two types, non-compression and compression version.

    Procedure, pull up the gaff to just above the knees, pull up the boy shorts over the gaff. The next part at first should be done sitting down but after a few trail runs you (like me) should be able to do the following standing up.

    While sitting down with the gaff and boy shorts in position with one hand do a Vulcan greeting (you know from Star Trek, Mr. Spock “Live long and prosper”). In this position, the penis goes between the ring and middle fingers. Now pull the testacies into your body and here there is a region where the testacies will slip into the inguinal canal which at first may be difficult to place the testacies into and to be honest depending on the sensitivity of the penis it may become erect. If it becomes erect stop everything and relax until the erection subsides.

    Once the testacies are in place, with the other hand tuck the penis between the legs and move both legs together. Quickly pull up the garments into place, as tight as possible and know with pushing things into a tight area may hurt so don’t move right away if this happens. The boy shorts will extend up to your naval, I suggest folding them down so they are almost like a bikini bottom.

    From here spend time as per above around the house. It’s been over twenty years since I started this but vaguely remembering after about a week there was zero pain involved.      

    Additional things to work into the above, a panty liner inside the gaff when it’s very hot weather which helps to keep things dry.

    When done as laid out above you should be able to wear skin tight jeans and leggings without any sign of a penis or testacies.

    The Spanx boy shorts last time I purchased them were 44 dollars, not cheap. Two gaffs go for twenty dollars. That is a real investment and when I say investment the two items will last over 12 months when washed and cared for. This means if you tuck every day you will need at least one extra of both.

    I have two Spanx boy shorts in size small, still in the original packaging, never opened. Well now I have a vagina they are sitting in my closet hanging there. So what is a girl to do with the two pair, one black, and one tan? Any suggestions?
    When done right expect this
     



  23. KarenPayne

    Swingers club

    By KarenPayne,

    Excited, going to a swingers club tonight. Last week I was given the tour and saw that it was just as much about sex as socializing. Tonight my plan is to socialize, get to know people and unless something intense happens will leave it at that.
    One of the things that I liked right up front is they don't give out their address until they exchange a few emails then invite you in before hours, 6 to 8 where the club officially opens for members at 8PM. For females the cost is twenty dollars per month. I was up front with them about being post-op, that was a non-issue with them but will be the first one. After the tour of the club the owner asked if I had any questions. I asked, should I come right out and tell members that I was formerly male. He said it was up to me but also said if he were me simply use good judgement and side on not telling them unless there happen to be an invite for playing with someone.  
    Wearing a cute long sleeve (top drapes over the outer shoulders so no bra), just above the knee dress with Italian thigh highs with the black under the back with a garter belt, very little makeup, light eyeshadow and medium red lipstick.
    Update report
    I arrived at the club 30 minutes beforehand, was greeted by the president of the club and his wife and was introduced to several other early birds. I was asked if ready to join and said yes. Filled out a payment form, $15 for two weeks as a trial member. After two weeks the price for a month for light membership is $15 per month and full membership for $20 per month.
    How things went down, during the evening I was approached by a men in his early forties, talked with him for about an hour and saw he was interested. He went off to say hi to several other members then before his seat was cold had a female come over and chatted with me, next up three men who ended up getting into likes and dislikes sex stuff. They were both extremely interested in me and used the term "attractive woman" which I replied with (this is my way), thanks for the compliment but I see myself as average. One came back and said, you (me) are not average but very attractive. So I smiled and continued with the topic at hand.
    I was asked about me participating and said, not tonight as I want to learn the ropes. Of course the next question was "will you be back next weekend?", I said yes and will be ready to join in.
    Somehow we got talking about orgasams and I said that while sitting here talking I got off slightly by slightly pumping my hips while sitting down which I added could go for a long time but not to a full climax yet very satisfying just the same.
    I think one of my coy move was pulling up my dress in front of many men to adjust my garter belt. I slowly slid the dress up to my privates without showing them and spent about three minutes adjusting them. That got me more men coming over and saying hi.
    Oh, after about thirty minutes after arriving the president's wife chatted with me, first about a painting on the wall which the model had thigh highs which then had us talking about sexy underwear. She said at one point, I am so curious about seeing your vagina. I said, let me know when you want to see it and she said thanks. 
    At this point we got into my current status as female, she said (as was indicated last week) to side on not telling members I was once male as my looks and voice (see made a point on the voice that it was female). Only disclose if I believe not telling would offend someone. The club is not about forging relationships outside of the club but instead to have a good time in the club. With that there are always the exceptions, one man said he was looking to get married again (oh lord, that's not me) and was looking at me.
    There was a cross-dresser there with his very supportive wife. My assessment of this person was, this is all about sex, not about passing. (S)he might pass, borderline but the voice was all male and not a completely clean shave. I will say this couple was a delight to chat with. 
    BTW As told by more than one member, the club was setup to where females have the power per-say rather than men. There are some pretty heavy rules for anyone violating a female at the club. Permission is needed before physical contact and that females generally start things off e.g. there is a gang-bang event once a month where females are given wrist bands that they hand out to men who they want to be involved. Last week was gang-bang event, had six females going at it and heard it was great. I did not attend but did indicate I wanted to be in the event next month.
    Last thought, I believe my hair style was perfect, at the last minute I put my hair up in a pony tail and left strands of hair dangling down in the front which accented well with my black dress, and the black dress was the perfect choice for the night with the Italian style thigh highs, garter belt and FM (Fuck Me) black heels. 
    Second update March 16th
    Today I received an email from one of the men I met, gave me his phone number, asked if we could meet again this weekend. So now I am contemplating my next action. 
     
     
     
     
  24. KarenPayne

    Passport

    By KarenPayne,

    About just under two months I applied for my passport, three weeks later I was informed my birth certificate was not good, so I called, asked what needed to be done which was provide another one (which I had) and sent it to them. I never changed my original so it still says M for gender.
    Today I am now a proud owner of a US passport with F for gender.
    There was never anything mentioned about my gender change, only a birth certificate not being correct because it did not have my mother and father names on them while the second one did.
    Last thing is getting my papers back as they are originals but they did send an email indicating my pass-book is still yet to come and hope that is when my documents are returned to me.
    So for those following the same or similar path as me all I can say is gender change is a non-issue with the right documents e.g. Marci Bowers supplied me with the proper document the week after surgery.
    I now want to travel to England, Canada and the Philippines this year.
  25. KarenPayne
    The following is scary to say the least. 
    Ten days ago I was there for a male to female having reassignment surgery. The surgery lasted too long in my opinion and that the reason was the surgeon caused a rectovaginal fistula. A friend of hers was told (but not me) that she had gas coming out the vagina on Friday and the friend got her to call the hospital who said they would get back to her but never did.  I did not hear about this until this morning, she text’ d me and said she was concerned. I went over and got her to take pictures and send them to the surgeon. Now this is 10 AM this morning, he said to come in a 5 PM. seriously, this is one bad thing after another.

    I learned that while she was in the hospital the care provided was unprofessional from assisting her keeping clean (they would not clean her breast or bottom) to providing sedatives for pain (I had sedatives pushed into me non-stop). Just the other day I learned that OSU, the hospital here in Oregon had a bad reputation for how transgender people were treated and that they were in a transition period to overcome the bad reputation.

    Any ways, just received a text from her, they are keeping her tonight. I did not inquire why but a decent guess is because of the rectovaginal fistula.

    Now with all this mentioned, she had no real choice being on social security, out of work, never being able to afford surgery. Couple this with extreme dysphoria and a surgeon who has done six reassignment surgeries prior is a recipe for what happened. It really is a catch 22 per-say, boxed in with a one way pass to live with the dysphoria or roll the dice with a surgeon with little experience.

    One last thing, when I arrived at her house she was drinking some dark drink. I said, it’s close to 100 degrees outside, you are just out of surgery and need to stay properly hydrated so I went out and purchase a 24 pack of bottled water and insisted she drink this rather than chocolate milk. One must realize that after a major surgery such as this the body is in recovery mode for many weeks to follow and must treat your body well.

    Lesson to take away, if you don't have the funds to obtain reassignment surgery you may very well be in the hands of people who may perform a bad procedure and as with this person have poor aftercare. If this is you, pay attention to your body after surgery, don't dismiss even the little things, call them out to those who are taking care of you and this might simply save your life.

     

     
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