Jump to content
Transgender Message Forum

KarenPayne

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    1,320

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    180

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by KarenPayne

  1. KarenPayne
    The following has no real train of thought (dang female hormones ) but this is what's up

    Just received my packet from Doctor Bower, have started filling in forms and making appointments for EKG and HIV testing. Three weeks to go to formalization on name change. Going through the list of items I need to take with me to California and see that I need a ample supply of KY jelly. I decided to do NetFlix subscription, as being there for two weeks will need something to do when unable to get around. I know it’s getting real when just about every night I imagine myself being rolled into the room for surgery. Booked room for stay, normally $200 per night (yikes), discount rate is $155 which is $2000 total and I am use to places that charge (in my area) half that price, sure wish I had people in the area.

    Photos for the hotel.

    On the home front, I am picking up my final letter for surgery and document for name change/gender approval next Friday. Tomorrow I meet with my legal friend to get back money and Sunday off to purchase luggage as my current luggage is old and beatup or use UPS Luggage Shipping where they supply you with a cardboard suitcase then again I may not, will have to see.

    Just returned from the post office and made my payments of $28,000 for surgery. The cashier at the bank said, can I help you mam? Gave her my driver licence which is still my male one and afterwards stayed with mam.
  2. KarenPayne

    Getting noticed

    By KarenPayne,

    I find it interesting that my new car seems to draw a good deal of attention to me. Friday I decided to wash the car out in front of my house on the street simply because car washing places are not good for convertibles. Any ways a middle age man walks down the street and says hello, I say hello back, he keeps walking. Then about five minutes later he walks back up the street and says "you are breaking my heart, you look fine today girl". I immediately can tell no matter what I say he is going to use that as an open door to talk to me so I simply act like I don't hear him so there is no opening for him. I take a quick glance up and he smiles, I don't and continue washing the car. Then about 15 or so minutes later I am heading inside and there he is again. At this point any advances he attempts I would had gone into my mode of "you asked for this" meaning I would had taught him a lesson he would not soon forget if you caught my drift.
    Over the past few months I am surely learning how woman feel if similar situations and have sympathy for them and it appears it's on me too.
    Of course there are decent men too, at my friends house yesterday I was standing by my car and a twenty something man walks by, smiles and complimented me how I looked and that I had a sweet ride. I smiled, said thank you and he kept on going. Turns out I see him get into his car, a very nice BMW sports car.
    I can't stress this too much that once you are out, passing with no issues and look good that you are going to be hit on. Depending on your mindset most of us who transitioned will have no clue on how to handle these situations, not much different than a teenage girl getting hit on for the first time.
    Consider what you will say, how you will react beforehand so that you are not actin awkward and bring undue attention as this can be problematic if they get it in their head something is not right or you leave an opening for them to continue their attempt to seduce you and this is not what you wanted. Even if you want this you still need to be prepared so all goes well. There have been a few times when I first was out after surgery that I was a tad under prepared and learned from this. Now I even flirt for the right female or male.
    Food for thought  
  3. KarenPayne
    I am also a member of another cross-dresser/transgender site which is predominantly cross-dressers with a section for transgender. I frequent that site say once a week, sometimes every two weeks.
    I posted in the transgender area about my voice lessons and then the same day received a request to meet a member. Since I was heading in her direction to prom dress shopping with my best friend and her daughter I should sure.
    So this afternoon we were suppose to meet in front of Pandora's in the mall at 2PM but she was not there, said she was running late so Terry and I went for coffee then Victoria's Secrets shopping (Pandora, Macy's and Victoria's are my favs). While in VS I check my mail, she is in the mall so I said meet us at VS. I am going hog wild over thongs at this time but notice the line is super long so I decided not to purchase since she is meeting us shortly and not  a minute later there she is.  
    As the mall was super busy I suggested walking outside to talk. We chatted about many things including GRS and my condensed story as well as some of her history.
    She told me in these words "you are a pillar for the site". I thanked her. Then she asked, why are you taking voice lessons? I said to sound more female. Then the bombshell, (she response with) to tell you the truth your voice is female now. My friend Terry says, Karen has improved a lot in the past year (now the next part is hard to believe) since her surgery. I know that surgery does not change one's voice but I feel the change is mental, inside of me from talking female everyday for the past say 16 months. My voice coach tells me I need to work with her and I agree and then she goes on to say I am progressing faster than other clients woohoo.
    Next time this woman is in town she is taking me to dinner so we can chit chat more. 
    BTW She is from Canada where the process sounds extremely long to get GRS unlike here in the US.
    Anyways I am going to eat the great dinner Terry sent home with me, later!
     
     


  4. KarenPayne
    I was coming home from the grocery store and thought "I have not been to the toy store recently, think I will stop in for a few minutes".
    So I walk in, young female sales person greets me "HI how are you doing today", I replied "Great", next comes "if there are any questions or if you want something opened let me know".
    I said, just browsing, nothing in particular.
    So I first go to the female toys, about two minutes go by and she comes over and said what do you think of this? She has what looks like a normal dildo but then said "hold on to it and shake it". Well I was not expecting what happened next. I said my favorite toy was, pointed to it. She says, I see you have a high end taste. I came back and said, sure makes traffic jams more pleasant.  (note, there are no other customers in the store).
    She walks away with the interesting toy, I move down and start to check out the strap on equipment, I look up and she is about four feet from me so I said, which one do you like? No hesitation, she pointed out the one she uses and we get into a discussion over other ones. Must have pulled out four of them and LOL we are both pulling them up over our jeans, mind you both of us are standing in the backend of the store with strap-ons having a discussion and a male customer walks in. She say "Want to play", customer "Jaw drops",. me, I turn around and we kiss. Male customer, "oh my". So she takes off the toy and calmly walks up to him and said "what can I do for you today", male customer "I am lost, after seeing what you two did I completely forgot what I came in for.
    I walk up to the door and said to her, "was nice meeting you", she, "same here, winks her eye", him while looking at her, "you don't know her?", her, now I do.
    So did I leave empty handed, all depends on one's perspective.
     
  5. KarenPayne

    Girls night out

    By KarenPayne,

    One of the woman I work with stopped me and asked if I would like to go out with the other woman in my section. There are six of them that every week they go out to dinner and have drinks.

    She said that they all discussed should they ask me, all of them have known me for years in my former male life so they kind of know what I am like. Any ways they all agreed that I should be asked.

    From the short chat with had it really sounds like it could very well be a good time and get in with these ladies. What is interesting is most of them are in their late to mid thirties which is much younger then me but that is not going to stop me from going out with them.

    I am very grateful that they did think about me and accepted me.

    On a side note I have noticed the difference in what woman talk to me about before and after transitioning in general, things I could only guess or even for that fact never guess. Like when I had my nails done in the past few months, the ladies there talk to me about those things that would never surface before I was Karen. So that is simply another aspect of a continuing journey and things to look forward too.


  6. KarenPayne

    Girls night out

    By KarenPayne,

    Several months ago I mentioned being invited for a girl’s night out at work but never materialized until last night. We planned on five of us meeting at a nice upscale local bar inside of a prestigious hotel at 5PM while myself and one other of the woman started early at 3:30PM. The two of us chatted about of all things manicures and pedicures for about thirty minutes until another of the ladies arrived at around 4PM followed by a third not soon afterwards while the last one arrived at 5PM.
    While four of us where there one said think of this as Vegas, what happens and is said here stays here. So that lead into various chats about other people at work which where both positive and negative. After several drinks were consumed things got way crazy and fun. I told them a story about one of my co-workers whom I have been working with for 18 years who still calls me Kevin purely by accident now and then. He did this over the past two days and with two new people in our group so it came to a head and I said to the new employees, guess you figured out what’s going on. They looked up and said no. I said prior to January of this year I was male. Got the typical response, I had no idea. When finished telling the story to the ladies they said if they were in the new employees shoes they would not had guessed I was male before. Next thing I see, it’s almost 8PM so myself and two others leave while the last two are waiting for rides from their husbands.
    I love the next part, I am wearing all black, top and skirt and while walking out of the bar I am getting men turning to look at me and just before exiting the bar one man gives me a nice big smile. Walking out I realized that one does not simply get looks at that moment but would guess they had been looking at me while sitting down with my friends. That was indeed a good feeling to be noticed this way.
    So I will chalk this up to a great evening.
     
     
  7. KarenPayne

    Give yourself a break

    By KarenPayne,

    Smiling and laughing can but not always brighten attitudes and well being. I was one for ignoring this for many years but have in the past few years learned to be a happier person both before and after GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) which I think can lead one away from being sad or depressed.

    I could not believe how much "The Other Woman" movie could make me cheerful and smile. Perhaps that is not your cup of tea, may be instead it's treating yourself to a lovely dinner with cheerful friends/family. One of the worst things we can do is sit around doing nothing, getting into a depressive state so find something to do that will make you happy.

    Me, I am heading out with several friends to hike for several hours :-)

    Take care of yourself~~~
  8. KarenPayne
    Just received my confirmation for a limo which will pick me up at my hotel and drive me to the airport in style. Have been here for 12 days that mark the beginning of my new life and even though I have missed home I have to say all those who have helped me do the transition here I am very grateful too.

    As I have mention several times that this is simply a stepping stone in my journey that by no means complete it is simply the most expensive aspect of this journey.

    One of the promises I made to myself was to get a new tattoo after surgery but never made a decision on the artwork. So far have narrowed it down to either a small butterfly or single small rose in the pelvic region. I already have four tats where on average I contemplate for a few weeks followed by seeking our a design over several weeks then submit to my artist whom I ask to adjust to my thoughts.

    My next thing to work on is losing 20LB which I could not do in the past few months because of an issue with my leg and have physical therapy lined up in March. I had the same problem 25 years ago and had it fixed until two months ago.

    Something I have been thinking about too (the decision has been made a while back) is restructuring my self defense classes and adding focused classes for LGBT and woman only classes. The only thing holding me back is having a place to do the classes so more likely than not will take these classes on the road. I am going to work off a sliding scale in regards to cost of classes where cost will be greatly reduced for those who can not even afford my classes so the goal is to train anyone who wants training no matter their ability to pay.
  9. KarenPayne
    From yesterday until Thursday I am in Seattle Washington at Microsoft offices part of recognizing MVP (Microsoft Valued Professionals). This morning I "liked" one of the tweets and the woman must have looked at my Twitter profile and asked if she could interview me where the interview would be posted on one of Microsoft web sites. Of course I accepted and once the interview has been uploaded I will provide a link here but be forewarned it's geek topic   
    On the ways back to my hotel I was added to a special group on Twitter which has nothing to do with my transition and then got a message from the chef making remarks that he liked me.
    Tonight they are having us (2,000) to one hotel for a party, should be interesting so I am off to change into a nice business like skirt, medium conservative heels and cardigan. 
  10. KarenPayne
    Over the past year I have been sharing my journey which hopefully was of some use but now I am need of concentrating on another aspect of my life with requires a good deal of attention so during the next few weeks will be limiting my time here and will stop visiting here shortly. Hopefully I can make it back here in the future. For those interested I will be keeping up from time to time on my WordPress blog. Lastly, it has been wonderful getting to know people here.

    Best wishes for those on their journeys!!!
  11. KarenPayne

    Good cause

    By KarenPayne,

    I noticed WarrenG wrote in his status a link to assist him in his funding for surgery. Like Warren, many require this and think it is commendable he is reaching out to our community for support.

    Every little bit helps in such a cause and if you have a few dollars to spare would have you consider this as a way of assisting.

    Donate here
    http://www.gofundme.com/giveWarrenaHand

    For the record I made my donation today.
  12. KarenPayne

    Great day

    By KarenPayne,

    One of my old co-workers who retired several years ago wanted to hook up so I said how about lunch.

    We met at a great Mexican restaurant, ate and spent an hour talking. Then we went across the street to the local mall, hit Starbucks then walked around the mall for about five lapse talking about everything under the sun. Finally say down and chatted some more.

    She confided with me that she wanted to get together before this but felt like I might take it as her hooking up with me. Of course she is very aware that could not happen.

    It was great chatting with her and we agreed to get together and go shopping in two weeks. Gave each other hugs and went on our way.

    Earlier in the day I received a call from my workplace who indicated that my new security ID badge was ready. So I went into work, got the new badge, very exciting to see my picture and Karen Payne below it, think I stared at it forever.

    On the way out asked a question and was directed to another employee who when done talking commended me on my transition and that her son just "came out" to her and that she accepted him for whom whatever he was. We had a discussion that included my analogy of "frog in the water" and several other recommendations. Have to say that was a very good chat.

    So now it's that time to dilate, later :-)
  13. KarenPayne

    Great weekend

    By KarenPayne,

    This past weekend I spent with a group like minded people who love driving Mazda Miata's. Friday we drove what the average person would consider a dangerous drive where in 19 miles there are 170 turns where the majority are marked at 20 MPH and we took them a good deal faster (the fastest was 70 MPH and the average was 45 MPH). Friday evening we have a group dinner with about 120 people. Saturday we drove two drives, one in the morning and one in the afternoon (Friday's drive was an all day event).
    When we returned on Saturday to the hotel I wore for the first time a bikini and was hit on by three men, that was a good feeling and was fun flirting. Saturday night was another dinner and I decided to wear a nice evening gown with heels (I seldom wear this attire) and had two of the men from the afternoon hit on me again.  It's nice being at this stage of my life not needing to worry about anyone even considering my former life and truly didn't think about it till now and decided to write this entry (as usual, as the thoughts enter my brain writing them down).
     
     
  14. KarenPayne
    I get half way to the grocery store and realized nothing is needed but ended up going anyways to pickup vegetables for dinner tomorrow night. On the ways there is an adult book store which has many toys and decided what the heck and went in.

    So I make a bee-line for the female toys, and there are of course more for females then there are for males and took my time gazing. The salesman came over a few times, first time he said if you want me to open any package let me know and thanked him while the second time was to show me discounted toys.

    I truly had no plans to purchase anything but something got into me even though I like females, not males purchased a life like (even has veins) toy but first had the salesman open it should I could put my hand around it for seeing if it was not too wide. Up to the counter and he said "I want to check the batteries", I asked what type of batteries does it take? He said AAA and not to expect them to last long as they are only there to test the toy out. Then he said, I will give you new batteries at no charge, thanked him again.

    Came home and for lack of better words examined my newly purchased toy and think I will try it out after my last dilation session tonight. It should be interesting as the dilators lack any real characteristics of the real thing while the toy by all means does.

    Update: I did try the toy out and it's safe to say I like it.
  16. KarenPayne

    Hair salon

    By KarenPayne,

    Since I am leaving for a week long trip in Seattle I wanted my hair to look great so I went to the hair salon to have a professional conditioning done and bangs trimmed. 
    They wash my hair, put the conditioner in then under a dryer.
    When I get out from the dryer one of the regular stylist comes over and says "I didn't see you come in or see your name in the computer, how are you?" We chatted for a bit then we get talking about sex and trade a few stories having great jiggling going on. This leads into her asking me, is sex better as a man or a female? I said the male side is pretty much the majority of pleasure is when climaxing while as a female my entire body is involved and last longer but not very much sensation inside as most is from my clit but this may change as my surgeon indicated it may take up to a year to have sensation inside.
    Then we get into a conversation about how she feels about men in general and we go down that path with me providing perspective from living on both sides of the fence.
    One of the other stylist heard me at one point talking about my new Miata and one thing lead to another and I took the one (whom I mentioned above) out for a spin in my car. As she was getting out of the car she said she always enjoys talking with me which made me feel good.
    So now I need to do some packing even though I don't leave for my trip until early Sunday morning I am the type to be ready well in advance.
  17. KarenPayne

    Hallelujah

    By KarenPayne,

    Over the past few weeks I felt at times I should had some orgasmic feelings down below and was just getting ready to contact Marci asking if this was normal to have clitorous sensation to nothing at all even with manual stimulation. I was told that don't expect much until the nerves grow back and was fine with this but wait a minute, why was it there then went away.

    Well without going into details I was asked by a man about sexual desires in a email. While writing back I felt the sensations which was about ten minutes ago and they are still there thank goodness.

    So my reason for posting here is that others might have similar experiences and want them to know if you had it and it went away perhaps (and I am guessing this here) it is from a lack of sexual thoughts being provoked. Now there is always the chance you will never have these sensations which is why those who are considering GRS is to make sure you choose wisely to the surgeon you select.

    I can not even begin to imagine going through the rest of my life without those sensations it would be horrible to say the least. It has been about 15 minutes and the sensations have not gone away yet


  18. KarenPayne

    Halloween

    By KarenPayne,

    I use to find halloween a sanctum for no-bars outings before gender reassignment surgery. Would dress up, go to work then out to parties or bars and be extremely happy in that nobody would bother me, a male dressed as a female.
    My first time in Oregon, I dressed in a just above the knee skirt, white blouse and high heel pumps that I would call very business-like where many employees did not recognize me. Heck even one hit on me.
    This halloween will be my first as a female and the year before it was during my real life test.
    What I am doing this year? For the first time in 15 years giving out candy to neighborhood children early evening and then off to a local bar to meet up with a female friend. In one respect drab, no exhilarating push of adrenaline coursing through my veins for the sheer thrill of dressing as a female but instead perhaps my costume might be enough, a twenties flapper.
    For those who have not gone under the GRS knife and plan on going out, best wishes to you!!!      
  19. KarenPayne

    Halloween

    By KarenPayne,

    This morning I went down to chat with a fellow co-worker, asked him "I wonder if people here will dress up today?". I asked because not every year they will, kind of hit or miss. He was unsure same as me.
    He then told me that a former co-worker told him that I killed it one Halloween (way back in 1996) when I dressed up as a female. I vaguely remember until this jogged me memory. I had dressed in proper business attire, mid-size high heels, black stockings, black dress, just above the knees, while blouse and black blazer. As the story goes (because I didn't know this) was that this former co-worker arrived and thought to herself, who is that woman sitting in Kevin's desktop. She didn't say anything, waited for me to turn around and took a minute to realize I was dressed as a female.
    Any ways the former co-worker told my present co-worker I killed it in that it was not apparent that I was "me" until she stared at me for a minute. 
    That brought a smile to me today, twenty some years later, I will take it
     
     
  20. KarenPayne

    Haunting thoughts

    By KarenPayne,

    This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world.

    Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more.

    Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate "what if" there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor.

    Right now I am flooded with emotions.
  21. KarenPayne
    The week started off with me finding a really cute (age appropriate) top that I love so I purchased two of them. I have a habit where if I like something be it clothing or not if it appeals to me two or three are in order. Then I received my results from my hormone test done last month. The results indicate that I am midways, smack in the center of the scale in three separate test.
    Early on in the week I became friends with a younger woman (43 years old) whom I fibbed about my age, said I was 50, don't all woman lie about their age. At one point she said I looked younger than 50 which I then had to tell her the truth that I would be turning 59 shortly and was perfectly fine with her. She has invited me to her place next weekend for a BBQ and think she will become a good friend.
    Today I made plans to visit Portland's Saturday Market with my best friend but she has issues with a kidney stone so instead will be meeting with an old female co-worker. Will most likely then visit my friend with the kidney stone as were I am having lunch with the other friend is 10 minutes away.
    Thinking of the weather in recent weeks, I have been stripping down to the bare minimum for the over 90 degree weather, no bra nor panties while home wearing a comfortable  summer dress or tank top and panties. What a change from last summer when I had to tuck that thing between my legs which in hot weather made if difficult to keep tucked and comfortable. Did I mention this is the perfect time for thongs, so far I have purchased at least a dozen thongs in various colors and pattern. I don't wear them everyday but tend to wear them more so on the weekends as during the week it is nearly impossible to change pads often enough as I am fairly moist down there and tend to need pad changes several times a day even with good quality pads. Before surgery I was concerned a little that I would not be self lubricating but thankful that I am and more so when having erotic thoughts. I was told that at some point it may be somewhat uncomfortable in regards to stimulation of my clit in daily life. Believe it or not I was driving down the road and made some movement that got me so aroused that I had to pull my car off the road until the arousal went away else I could not concentrate on driving. That is such a wonderful feeling that unlike arousal of the penis this sticks with me for sometime and is slow to go away.
     
     
  22. KarenPayne

    Heading home

    By KarenPayne,

    It is finally that time when I can leave California and so happy. There was one glitch, about an hour ago Alaska airlines diverted my flight from one airport which is ten minutes away to another one which is 1.5 hours away. Called the limo service and they said they would take me to the other airport.
  23. KarenPayne

    Healing note

    By KarenPayne,

    It has been nine days post surgery noticed the following which I really should had mention two days ago.

    Date of surgery, no black and blue at the site, near end of day two, ugly black and blue. Two days ago, zero black and blue, two tiny areas that are medium red under the site and each day are getting smaller and smaller.

    Pain, I was out all day where we were sitting 95% of the time, after about six hours or so one side of the public area was bothering me and had to readjust how I was sitting which lead to no pain. That reminds me, need to take a selfie down there which I have been doing every three or four days.

    On a side note, was chatting with Monica and she truly has good things to point out to me, this time something I knew already but somewhat took it for granted and these people should never be taken for granted which are the registered nurses that go above and beyond what we believe they are there for. Then of course there is my surgeon who I elected to use with much research as this is a huge things to do. In the end my choices were super sound and so happy about this.


  24. KarenPayne
    First off, wish I’d thought of this earlier in life yet there is no bad time to start. I’ve been coloring my hair from dark brunette to blonde to dirty blonde and the consequences were thinning of hair but no hair loss (thank goodness).

    Decided it was time to combat the issue with vitamins and several hair mask and conditioners. It’s been one month now and have seen noticeable difference is the health of my hair. Downside is on the weekend I spend an hour dedicated to pampering my hair.

    I’ve also started having a professional facial done once a week and have noticed healthier skin.

    Couple the above with from fast food diet to one deal with meat a day with the rest salads and streamed vegetables.

    I think the above will pay dividends as time goes by with emphasis on leading a healthier life style.    

    Last but not least, since two more things, I never go out without a hat and sunglasses even when it’s not sunny. Maui Jim's prescription (progressives) sunglasses were my choice as I like the trial pair given to me along with testimonials from customers of more than ten years. Of course dependent on what I’m wearing I wear good sun block/screen lotion. 

    PS It's been over a year without any makeup other than a product which promotes healthy skin which has a slight makeup characteristic to it. 
  25. KarenPayne

    Holy cow

    By KarenPayne,

    Went to the grocery store this morning and while heading down one of the aisles a co-worker was crossing the aisle, look right at me and did not notice me. That was indeed a good sign as you can not fake not recognizing someone I had worked with for 15 years verses the look that someone gives you that they are ignoring you, at least in my book.

    This happened two other times in the past year so guess I am on the right track.
×
×
  • Create New...